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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell DH or keep it a secret?

139 replies

myhorriblesecret · 29/12/2021 20:04

I have never told anyone this but it's getting to the point where I can't think of anything else. I feel sick and disgusted at myself. I'm married with a DS. This happened while I'm married but before DS was born.

I was on a night out at a busy pub. We had already had a few drinks before getting there. We ordered drinks and the last thing I remember was a man coming over and sitting at our table.

Then I have a blurry memory of being in a nearby hotel bar. The next thing I remember is waking up and realising I'm naked on a bed and the man is having sex with me. I vaguely remember trying to get up and get dressed. Then nothing until I woke up at home the next morning.

I had loads of texts and missed calls off my friends who said I just disappeared. They don't know what happened or where I went.

I've kept this is for so long but it is eating me up inside. My DH had always said he had zero tolerance for cheating. I don't want to lose him but I find myself really wanting to tell him what happened.

What do I do? Was this cheating? My head in all over the place. Should I keep this to myself forever and not upset DH. It would kill me if he left me

OP posts:
Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 29/12/2021 20:07

So sorry this happened to you op. Could your drink have been spiked?

Stiffcondomhat · 29/12/2021 20:08

From what you've said it sounds like you were raped and I'm very sorry that happened to you. It was not your fault.

However, for me personally telling my husband something similar happening to me has irreparably damaged our relationship

CrushedPistachios · 29/12/2021 20:08

Do you know the man?

I don’t think I would say anything.

MountainAshley · 29/12/2021 20:08

It does sound like your drink was spiked. I am sorry this happened to you.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 29/12/2021 20:09

My first thought was you were spiked.

Queenoftrivialpersuit · 29/12/2021 20:09

Well you were raped it sounds like.
I would contact rape crisis and talk it through with them, it might give you a clearer sense of what happened if you can talk it through.

None of this was your fault, though I can see how you have begun to blame yourself because it’s so complex.

Original poster
myhorriblesecret · 29/12/2021 20:10

Yes looking back I think my drink was spiked. I would never do something like that normally, even being very drunk.

OP posts:
Wigglegiggle0520 · 29/12/2021 20:10

No it’s not cheating OP. Sounds like you were drugged and raped. I’m so sorry Flowers.
Please consider speaking to rape crisis or speaking with a good friend. No wonder it’s eating you up.
I really hope if you do tell your DH he is understanding and supportive.
It wasn’t your fault and you did nothing to encourage it Flowers

Stiffcondomhat · 29/12/2021 20:10

I would seek counselling independently if I were you.

blissfulllife · 29/12/2021 20:11

I agree with pp. counselling and then decide. Sorry this happened to you x

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2021 20:12

You were either too drunk to consent or spiked. You didn't cheat. Whether you tell DH or not is your business because you can choose to share about an assault or not. I would tell mine but he's a pretty good bloke who isn't a rape apologist or sexist arse.

I'm so sorry.

SirVixofVixHall · 29/12/2021 20:12

I agree that the gaps in memory, and the situation, point to you being spiked and raped.
I am so sorry OP.
You can call Rape Crisis if you want to talk it through anonymously with someone understanding.

Viviennemary · 29/12/2021 20:13

I would have counselling. Don't tell your DH.

Queenoftrivialpersuit · 29/12/2021 20:17

Only you know your DH.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/12/2021 20:17

No this is not cheating. You are not to blame and you have not done anything wrong.

I repeat this was not your fault in any way; the blame squarely lies with the man who raped you. Your drink was spiked and that would also account for your lack of memory for some hours afterwards.

At the very least I would urge you to contact Rape Crisis and seek mental support. I would consider also talking to the police about this crime committed against you. Chances are this man has struck before and will likely do so again; any information you can give them about the bar visited and hotel will be helpful to them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/12/2021 20:19

Rape Crisis phone number is 0808 802 9999.. They are open between 12:00-14:30 and 19:00-21:30 every day of the year

Animood · 29/12/2021 20:19

I'm sorry but this sounds like you've had your drink spiked and you've been raped.

Forget telling DH for now. Get yourself into therapy to talk it through. Decide whether to tell your DH after you've processed what happened yourself.

If it's going around your head you can call rape crisis on 0808 802 9999 or website rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/

If you don't have money you can go and tell your GP what happened and be put on the list for therapy on the NHS. If you have the £ id strongly recommend going private asap.

For what it's worth, being raped isn't cheating, it's a criminal offence.

ChristmasRobins · 29/12/2021 20:20

I’m so sorry, op.

Just wanted to say that you can choose to tell your husband or not on any basis you like. It doesn’t imply anything about him or you and you can take all the time you want to decide.

cansu · 29/12/2021 20:21

Sounds like maybe your drink was spiked. I would not be sharing this with your dp. It is unlikely to lead to support and could make your situation worse. However, you might want to get some counselling for yourself.

Klinkerbell · 29/12/2021 20:22

Mine will not be a popular opinion but I would absolutely not tell your DH. Very very few men understand rape. Many still view it as sex rather than assault. You will put yourself through another trauma by telling him and could turn your life upsidedown.

This was a horrible thing that was done to you. You are a victim. This is not something that you did that you need to confess.

Please talk to a rape counsellor. Please protect yourself and your MH.Flowers

ThePoint678 · 29/12/2021 20:24

As others have said - You were raped. That isn’t your fault. Don’t tell your DH. Get counselling.

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/12/2021 20:25

This sounds like rape after being drugged not cheating. Please find someone to talk to about this, you deserve some support.

Queenoftrivialpersuit · 29/12/2021 20:25

I have to agree, I know very very few men who could understand rape. Let alone deal with the consequences without apportioning blame.
It’s a sad tale of the world we live in.

StrikingMatches · 29/12/2021 20:28

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. As others have said it sounds like you were spiked and raped.
Only you know your DH. What do you think he would expect you to do once you had told him? I know mine would expect me to go to the police and pursue an investigation. Is this something you would want to do?
I would second others suggestion of professional counselling, perhaps as a precursor to telling my husband, but only if I thought he could handle the information.

LadyCatStark · 29/12/2021 20:28

I wouldn’t tell him because you were raped and it could end up costing you your relationship and your son’s security. It’s not your fault.