Do I tell DH or keep it a secret?

[myhorriblesecret]

I have never told anyone this but it's getting to the point where I can't think of anything else. I feel sick and disgusted at myself. I'm married with a DS. This happened while I'm married but before DS was born.

I was on a night out at a busy pub. We had already had a few drinks before getting there. We ordered drinks and the last thing I remember was a man coming over and sitting at our table.

Then I have a blurry memory of being in a nearby hotel bar. The next thing I remember is waking up and realising I'm naked on a bed and the man is having sex with me. I vaguely remember trying to get up and get dressed. Then nothing until I woke up at home the next morning.

I had loads of texts and missed calls off my friends who said I just disappeared. They don't know what happened or where I went.

I've kept this is for so long but it is eating me up inside. My DH had always said he had zero tolerance for cheating. I don't want to lose him but I find myself really wanting to tell him what happened.

What do I do? Was this cheating? My head in all over the place. Should I keep this to myself forever and not upset DH. It would kill me if he left me

I have been through something very similar. I ended up telling DH (years later) and his reaction (or lack of) upset me further. He’s a good person but I don’t think he knew how to process it or support me. I think I probably should have talked to a professional as others have suggested as it would have helped me to process my feelings.

Sorry you are going through it, it’s very hard

Thank you everyone. The knot in my stomach has loosened after reading all your posts. Will definitely speak to counsellor, I'm seeing her next week. In an ideal world, I would tell DH because it doesn't feel right keeping it from him. I'll see how it goes next week then have a think about it.

I'm amazed at the posters encouraging OP to keep her sexual assault secret as if it's something to be ashamed of, she is the victim & deserves support from her partner.
None of you would suggest the same for any other type of assault. You are part of the problem ffs!

@dworky

I'm amazed at the posters encouraging OP to keep her sexual assault secret as if it's something to be ashamed of, she is the victim & deserves support from her partner. None of you would suggest the same for any other type of assault. You are part of the problem ffs!

OP absolutely deserves support from her partner. What's your plan for if she doesn't get it, and her partner accuses her of cheating, or point blank refuses to believe her?

OP doesn't owe anything to other people's conception of what "should" happen. She is best placed to gauge how her partner may react and whether she is strong enough to tell him and risk any possible consequences.

@dworky
Are you genuinely victim blaming and blaming women in general for the reaction of others to their rape. WOW
Most people offering advice from experience

Why aren’t you angry with the men

Get STI testing, talk to your counsellor if you feel you can.

It certainly sounds like you were spiked & raped. I'm so sorry. It's completely up to you if & when you tell your DH about this. This wasn't a choice you made.

@dworky

I'm amazed at the posters encouraging OP to keep her sexual assault secret as if it's something to be ashamed of, she is the victim & deserves support from her partner. None of you would suggest the same for any other type of assault. You are part of the problem ffs!

Totally agree with you. You're not vivtim blaming at all. Op I hope you get the support you deserve

I think you need to have a word with your counsellor first and foremost.
You started this thread thinking you had cheated or at least that this is the way your DH would see it.
You need to work on all those feelings first. I’d also say that you need to be absolutely sure yourself that this was rape (and it was!!). You need to believe it iyswim.

Then, have a think about telling your dh. You should be able to share something like this with him. And he should want to support you

Just searched @Candleinthebreeze. What a surprise it's a man. I wish I didn't have to read what you have posted

My eyes have rolled so far back in my own head I think I’m going blind
Just wow

I think your priority should be working through your trauma with mental health professional. Your husband doesn't need to know at this point.

@myhorriblesecret
Don’t rise to the bait.
Fucking hell people, be kind.

Candleinthebreeze so if this were to happen to your partner, your first thought is to quizz her if she's the right type of victim .

@Candleinthebreeze, what a nasty bastard you are. I'm reporting each and everyone of your posts.
I hope you are not a partner of anyone who might be subject to what OP has gone through.

Oh Lord, you were spiked. Don’t know what else to say but so sorry.

This happened to me about 15 years ago. The gaps in memory are very typical of being spiked. It's terrifying and horrible. I was single when it happened to me and dealt with it alone but about six months after I just lost it and cried for two hours when my Mum said something completely unrelated.

I'd recommend going to a rape crisis counsellor first, then go to your DH after if you feel strong enough.

@myhorriblesecret

Thank you everyone. The knot in my stomach has loosened after reading all your posts. Will definitely speak to counsellor, I'm seeing her next week. In an ideal world, I would tell DH because it doesn't feel right keeping it from him. I'll see how it goes next week then have a think about it.

At your next counselling session I would suggest prioritising discussing how you will tell your DH about this. This will really help you and prepare you for the conversation.

You didn't cheat love, you were raped. I am so so sorry that this happened to you.

Easy to spot the man on this thread, disgusting. Op as soon as I read your first post I thought spiked. This was rape and absolutely not your fault. So sorry x

@myhorriblesecret, please don't listen to the troll. They have no bearing on what you have gone through. There are plenty of (genuine) people here supporting you.