Do I tell DH or keep it a secret?

[myhorriblesecret]

I have never told anyone this but it's getting to the point where I can't think of anything else. I feel sick and disgusted at myself. I'm married with a DS. This happened while I'm married but before DS was born.

I was on a night out at a busy pub. We had already had a few drinks before getting there. We ordered drinks and the last thing I remember was a man coming over and sitting at our table.

Then I have a blurry memory of being in a nearby hotel bar. The next thing I remember is waking up and realising I'm naked on a bed and the man is having sex with me. I vaguely remember trying to get up and get dressed. Then nothing until I woke up at home the next morning.

I had loads of texts and missed calls off my friends who said I just disappeared. They don't know what happened or where I went.

I've kept this is for so long but it is eating me up inside. My DH had always said he had zero tolerance for cheating. I don't want to lose him but I find myself really wanting to tell him what happened.

What do I do? Was this cheating? My head in all over the place. Should I keep this to myself forever and not upset DH. It would kill me if he left me

Those of us advocating not telling dh have sound reasons for doing so. You honestly can't predict how your partner would react to this monumental news. It doesn't make someone the wrong kind of man because he can't process it in a way that makes the victim feel better. It makes them human. Shit happens, and self-preservation is necessary.

OP, you say the assault was before your DC was born- I assume you are certain on paternity?

Please seek some support for this- a close friend? Your mum? Pick someone you know won't doubt your story and will be your counsel before you confide in your DH- you need someone in your corner just in case. If you decide not to tell DH that's OK- you didn't cheat. Only you know your DH; mine would struggle to get past something like that I think and I would feel the rapist had stolen another part of my life. Don't let him do that if it's a risk.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

No this is not cheating. You are not to blame and you have not done anything wrong.

I repeat this was not your fault in any way; the blame squarely lies with the man who raped you. Your drink was spiked and that would also account for your lack of memory for some hours afterwards.

At the very least I would urge you to contact Rape Crisis and seek mental support. I would consider also talking to the police about this crime committed against you. Chances are this man has struck before and will likely do so again; any information you can give them about the bar visited and hotel will be helpful to them.

This.

You poor woman.

This is NOT your fault.

Please seek help.

From what you have posted OP, definately speak to your counsellor. Based on what you have said about your OH, if I was in your place I wouldn't be telling him. It's not your fault it was outisde of your control what happened, however everyone when they hear something filters information differently. You say his line is cheating. In his shoes with that filter it might be all he gets is another man had sex with my wife. Even if he still understands it wasn't your fault, that could still harm your relationship.

Not to mention it sounds like this happened a while back? Not sure how long its been as you haven't said but then there is the....why did it take so long to tell me...do you not trust me etc. Its how any partner would feel regardless of situation.

Thats my take on it. Obviously you know your husband best and more importantly what you can live with.

For me I wouldn't want to risk blowing up my life on something that happened to me and give that a-hole who did that another way of hurting me. Thats just me though

You have nothing to feel bad for. This wasn't your fault.

How have you been with your partner?

Will he know something has happened / changed?

I think you should have time to think. Maybe chat to your councillor or someone you know. Then tell your husband. If he will leave you because of what happened then let him fuck off!! You will at least know what kind of man he is.

[quote Queenoftrivialpersuit]@over2021
Really!!!!!!
I literally cannot believe this thread. It blows my mind[/quote]
What is it you find hard to believe?

Sounds like you were spiked
100%
Honestly , I would not dream of telling your partner until you have spoken to a
Professional to work it out in your head first

You didn’t cheat x

DH is definitely the father (it happened months before I conceived) and I've been tested for sexually transmitted diseases- all clear.

My thoughts are based on personal experience. I was raped while dating my now DH. I did not tell him until 18 months later. A few thoughts:

• Number 1 priority has to be to look after yourself, and speak/work through this trauma with a professional (I did not until much later, a decision I now regret)

• Why do you want to tell him? In my case the aftermath was having such a huge impact on my life, I felt I had to let him know. Really think about why you want to tell him, to have clarity about that

If you do tell him:

• After I told my DP, he was in total shock for a period of time. Obviously he had a lot of questions. On advice, I was advised to write down what I wanted to tell DP, that allowed DP to read, think, process it better. As soon as that conversation starts, it's easy to get away or lose the core information you want to share.

• One big question is why I did not tell him at the time, and only why telling now. I had thought about that and explained why

• The other big question, from my DH was who did it. I could not answer that (stranger)

My learnings from telling him:

• It caused him a huge amount of stress, worry, concern. If you look you the term secondary survivor for more information.

• There were a lot of follow up questions, as wanted to know more about what happened, how I felt, how I am feeling now, etc.

Overall I am glad I told him (even thought there are pros/cons). If my DH had been raped, then I'd like to know that.

Good advice on here. I would go for counselling too. You haven’t done anything wrong. I honestly wouldn’t tell your husband. You haven’t cheated but it could alter things forever if you tell him. Sending love xx

@Stiffcondomhat

Those of us advocating not telling dh have sound reasons for doing so. You honestly can't predict how your partner would react to this monumental news. It doesn't make someone the wrong kind of man because he can't process it in a way that makes the victim feel better. It makes them human. Shit happens, and self-preservation is necessary.

This

This is difficult to answer really as none of us know you or your husband. What sort of a person is he?

I just ran it by my husband - he's a kind, decent and thoughtful man. His answer surprised me a little - he said that, for him, there are two separate issues. One is the crime that's clearly been committed here and the other is your husband's feelings which should be neither here nor there really in comparison to the crime

So he would want to know but immediately afterwards - when it can be reported. He said he would wonder why he hadn't been told immediately and this would give him a slight stumbling block. Not in a thinking of cheating type of way, but in a 'what is it about me that meant you couldn't tell me this and ask for my support?'

I explained to him that sometimes women just can't find it in them to confide this stuff for all sorts of reasons and he didn't really get this.

I'd like to add that this isn't 'A man speaks!!!' but I was curious to know what a really decent bloke would think.

So none of us know your husband. How is he likely to take it? From my own point of view, I would tell my husband purely because of the situation was reversed I would want to be told and I'd feel sad that he'd gone through so many months/ years carrying this burden when by telling me, I could help to diffuse it

Please don’t say anything your husband may think you put yourself in a vulnerable position where this happened to you. Only you know your DH but I fear his reaction may not be the one you hope for.