Do I tell DH or keep it a secret?

[myhorriblesecret]

I have never told anyone this but it's getting to the point where I can't think of anything else. I feel sick and disgusted at myself. I'm married with a DS. This happened while I'm married but before DS was born.

I was on a night out at a busy pub. We had already had a few drinks before getting there. We ordered drinks and the last thing I remember was a man coming over and sitting at our table.

Then I have a blurry memory of being in a nearby hotel bar. The next thing I remember is waking up and realising I'm naked on a bed and the man is having sex with me. I vaguely remember trying to get up and get dressed. Then nothing until I woke up at home the next morning.

I had loads of texts and missed calls off my friends who said I just disappeared. They don't know what happened or where I went.

I've kept this is for so long but it is eating me up inside. My DH had always said he had zero tolerance for cheating. I don't want to lose him but I find myself really wanting to tell him what happened.

What do I do? Was this cheating? My head in all over the place. Should I keep this to myself forever and not upset DH. It would kill me if he left me

@WonderfulYou, have a look at your own post. You suggested OP should not tell her partner because of how they might view her. Is that not victim-blaming?

@Candleinthebreeze
Well you have derailed it! So congrats. Man makes rape victim all about him and his ideas.

Read some of your posts as well. You fucked your MIL. A secret to take to your grave. Just wow.
That’s the level of man you are

I wouldn't tell

Well my car was stolen last week but I won’t report it because I left it out on my drive, all shiny and tempting. I guess I was just asking for someone to force it open and help themselves to it, right @Candleinthebreeze? Disgusting

@myhorriblesecret please don’t listen to anyone who says it was in any way your fault. It breaks my heart that you’ve had to read some of these posts.

I'm a man and I am shocked by Candleinthebreeze. He has inadvertantly given out more information about himself that he realises. Despicable.

I am so sorry you went through this, another vote for this sounding more like spiking and rape than cheating…but I’d not tell your husband. Even the tiniest tiniest bit of doubt will eat him up, destroy his trust in you and could ruin your marriage. Even if it’s just ‘why didn’t she tell me at the time if she was raped’

@WonderfulYou, have a look at your own post. You suggested OP should not tell her partner because of how they might view her. Is that not victim-blaming?

@Sideswiped the majority of the replies on here have told OP not to tell her partner!

I said she needs to deal with it first herself with a therapist before telling him incase he thinks like the PP and questions her.

How is that victim blaming?!!

@delilabell

Answers on this are so so sad. Op was raped. Why wouldn't she tell her dp about something catastrophic that is affecting her mental wellbeing?

I agree

This is a massive event in OP's life. It may change her fundamentally, but yet she has to protect him?

Turned inward, this could have the power to fester inside, and chip away at the OP's mental health and wellbeing.
Or she could resent her DH because of the perceived idea that he wouldn't be able to cope.

Maybe he can't, but that doesn't change the fact that this terrible crime has been committed, and you were the victim.

How on earth can you ever take a stab at healing from this is you keep it a secret? I do think you should get therapy first though.

I'm so sorry this happened to you
💐

@Candleinthebreeze

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Hideous man.

You are the problem.

That doesn't sound consensual.

I would not say anything it could ruin your marriage and the lovely family unit for your son.
Just talk it out with your councillor and hopefully they will help you deal with your turmoil and help you realise it is not your fault.
Please don't say anything once it's been said it can't be unsaid x

@Klinkerbell

Mine will not be a popular opinion but I would absolutely not tell your DH. Very very few men understand rape. Many still view it as sex rather than assault. You will put yourself through another trauma by telling him and could turn your life upsidedown.

This was a horrible thing that was done to you. You are a victim. This is not something that you did that you need to confess.

Please talk to a rape counsellor. Please protect yourself and your MH.

This is absolutely what I think . You were raped and should get counselling. X

@WonderfulYou, do get over yourself. OP has every right to feel she can tell her partner about what happened. You and the others you 'quote' are making it sound like a dirty secret, when she was a victim.
Can you not see how damaging that is?
@myhorriblesecret, I'm sorry you've got entangled in this.

@Candleinthebreeze

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You are an apologist for a rapist.

Fuck knows what you've done that 'helped' rape victims, but I'm pretty sure it did anything but help.

You need help & stop inflicting yourself on victims.

do get over yourself. OP has every right to feel she can tell her partner about what happened. You and the others you 'quote' are making it sound like a dirty secret, when she was a victim.

@Sideswiped we’re just trying to put OPs feeling first. Obviously partners shouldn’t have secrets and as I’ve said she should eventually tell him but she’s the most important thing right now so she needs to deal with it herself before worrying about her relationship.

She’s been through enough.
Telling her she has to tell her husband when she obviously isn’t ready else she would have done it by now, is seriously not helping her.

@Candleinthebreeze, let me break it down for you:

The "events immediately prior" to the OP's rape are 100% immaterial. Had she not been drugged (as seems pretty obvious), had she beckoned this scumbag over to her table and Olympically flirted with him all the way to the hotel room up to one second before penetration was about to take place, and then changed her mind, if at that point he proceeded, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN RAPE. Yes, her behaviour would have possibly been thoughtless, irresponsible, selfish, provocative, blah, blah, but the one thing it wouldn't have been is AN EXCUSE FOR RAPE.

Now, we know it didn't happen like I'm describing it at all - it sounds very much like the OP was unwittingly drugged and raped - but I'm driving the point home with a sledgehammer to try to get through your thick, misogynistic skull. To say anything else, to ask for mitigating factors like the length or willingness of the flirting, is to be a victim blamer and a rape apologist.

Take this in and remember it for future reference. We are sick of having to explain this shit over and over again.

@myhorriblesecret

I'm sorry you had to read some of these posts 💐

You were spiked & raped. You did not 'ask for it' or do anything that even approaches 'flirting'.

I agree with the posters saying the best people to speak to will be rape crisis, then, if you want to, you can speak to your therapist about whether or not it's best for you/your marriage to disclose this rape to your husband.

Please look after yourself and understand that it's NOT your fault!

OP, I commiserate with you and wish you the best working through this awful, awful thing that was done to you. I would not advocate discussing it with your husband until you have processed it a bit more and keeping your own counsel until and if you're ready. You very much could not dictate the terms of your rape, obviously, but you can and should feel free to call the shots about what happens from now on.

@WonderfulYou, in that case we are in agreement that OP should not feel blamed. That was the point of my post, that OP should feel able to tell her partner.

Hi op. It sounds awful, both because you were drugged and raped but also because you feel you had to keep this a secret.

I would definitely tell my boyfriend because I know he would believe me and be on my side and support me. I think I even would have told my shitty jealous ex. But you have to do what would feel better for you.

I know it was a while ago but I’d seriously try and collect some sort of evidence or find out who it was.

You don’t need to do anything with that information if you don’t want to but in the future you might change your mind and the more time passes the more difficult it will be to find out what happened.

@MrsTerryPratchett

You were either too drunk to consent or spiked. You didn't cheat. Whether you tell DH or not is your business because you can choose to share about an assault or not. I would tell mine but he's a pretty good bloke who isn't a rape apologist or sexist arse.

I'm so sorry.

This ☝️

You have been raped , get some counselling
Call some help lines , you need to be listened to and heard, you have buried this for too long .
Do tell your husband but tell him when you are ready , so not yet.
It sounds to me like you are coming to terms with a very Traumatic experience , so talk to experienced counsellers first

I'm sure you have married a man who cares for you deeply he will be upset and may express this in different ways
Take it all slowly you have plenty of time.

Best wishes and good luck on your journey

I wouldn't tell your husband as your relationship may not be able to come back from this. However, I would endeavour to get some therapy to help you deal with what has happened!