Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell DH or keep it a secret?

139 replies

myhorriblesecret · 29/12/2021 20:04

I have never told anyone this but it's getting to the point where I can't think of anything else. I feel sick and disgusted at myself. I'm married with a DS. This happened while I'm married but before DS was born.

I was on a night out at a busy pub. We had already had a few drinks before getting there. We ordered drinks and the last thing I remember was a man coming over and sitting at our table.

Then I have a blurry memory of being in a nearby hotel bar. The next thing I remember is waking up and realising I'm naked on a bed and the man is having sex with me. I vaguely remember trying to get up and get dressed. Then nothing until I woke up at home the next morning.

I had loads of texts and missed calls off my friends who said I just disappeared. They don't know what happened or where I went.

I've kept this is for so long but it is eating me up inside. My DH had always said he had zero tolerance for cheating. I don't want to lose him but I find myself really wanting to tell him what happened.

What do I do? Was this cheating? My head in all over the place. Should I keep this to myself forever and not upset DH. It would kill me if he left me

OP posts:
TooTiredForThis2 · 29/12/2021 20:29

Seek counselling for yourself so you can process what happened, and then decide whether to tell your husband.

This is not cheating. This is non consensual sex, it's rape. Rape is never the victim's fault. The decision to abuse lies with the abuser only.

Did you ever get checked out for any STI's? Just something to think about doing if you haven't already.

Sideswiped · 29/12/2021 20:31

Make sure you have prevented a pregnancy that could occur from this. You would always be wondering unless you got a DNA test.
The rest is up to you. In your shoes, as someone who wasn't in a position to give consent, I'd look at it as non-consensual.
Do you report it? I don't know. But you do have a choice.
You have my sympathies. Thanks

Original poster
myhorriblesecret · 29/12/2021 20:32

I'm currently in counselling for another matter but I think I could tell the counsellor. I just feel dirty and like I've done something terrible.

OP posts:
Queenoftrivialpersuit · 29/12/2021 20:34

No no no no no
You have not done anything wrong in any way shape or form.
Talk to your counsellor. Though I would also talk to a specialist in rape crisis.

Nothing is your fault. Nothing

HailAdrian · 29/12/2021 20:34

Don't say anything, it's not your fault, try and start seeing it that way Flowers

delilabell · 29/12/2021 20:35

Answers on this are so so sad. Op was raped. Why wouldn't she tell her dp about something catastrophic that is affecting her mental wellbeing?

urgenthelpplsas · 29/12/2021 20:35

You may have been spiked.
You were definitely raped.

Anothermumm · 29/12/2021 20:35

I would hope your DH would understand from your story that you didn't consent and were very likely spiked OP. I'm sure this would be a very difficult thing to get through as a couple but can you really imagine going through the rest of your life without telling him? Only you will know if you think he would be able to get through this with you or it would be a step too far. As PP suggest, I think it's important you seek support to come to terms with what happened to you and know it wasn't your fault Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2021 20:37

@delilabell

Answers on this are so so sad. Op was raped. Why wouldn't she tell her dp about something catastrophic that is affecting her mental wellbeing?
Because the only thing that's important right now is her well-being. If there's a chance that her DH wouldn't react exactly as she needs, or if he came in with his own issues, that would be a huge issue.

FWIW I would tell DH but I wouldn't have told exH because he would have made it about him.

ImmutableSexQueen · 29/12/2021 20:37

No, something terrible was done to you. It wasn't your fault. But yes, talk it through with your therapist before you decide about telling your DH something that might change your relationship forever. It shouldn't, and maybe he'd be nothing but supportive, but there is no way to predict his response. You need to be secure in yourself first.

Queenoftrivialpersuit · 29/12/2021 20:37

@delilabell
Only op knows her DH.
Sadly men tend not to be ok about these things. Why do you think rape is used in war. It’s not for sex.

DaisyStPatience · 29/12/2021 20:41

Your head is messed up because you know on some level you were raped - not because you cheated. Maybe part of your brain is trying to convince you it was cheating because it gives you some control back and makes it something you did, rather than something that was done to you.

Feeling ashamed and guilty and like you're the one to blame is totally expected after being raped, btw. It doesn't mean any of those feelings are warranted.

Lots of people don't realise they've been raped or sexually assaulted until years after the incident.

delilabell · 29/12/2021 20:41

I couod not be with someone who wouldn't accept what happened to me / the support I needed?

AcrossthePond55 · 29/12/2021 20:45

In your situation, no I wouldn't tell. You didn't 'cheat', you were drugged and raped. And the chances of finding the perpetrator is practically nil. So what would be the point? Plus, depending on the type of man your DH is, this will either hurt him unbearably because of what you went through or he will blame you and make your life hell.

Talk to your counselor. They are legally bound to keep your confidence. Work it out with them. And if the counselor says in any way that you need to tell, find a new counselor.

AdviceOnLife · 29/12/2021 20:48

Op I am so sorry this happened to you.
You are in no way at fault. You were raped and in no way did you cheat at all.
I think it's a great idea to talk to you therapist. Be guided in your own time.
And if you do decided to tell DH you could maybe ask the therapist if you could do it in a session together if that would help. I don't know if that would help or not but it could be an idea.
I honestly hope you are able to get the support you truly deserve. Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2021 20:48

@delilabell

I couod not be with someone who wouldn't accept what happened to me / the support I needed?
Can I really politely ask you to stop me-railing? This isn't a thought experiment it's OP's life.

OP, talking to your counsellor sounds like a good idea. If referral to someone else is a good idea, they can.

B0J0ker · 29/12/2021 20:49

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP and that you've kept such a traumatic thing to yourself for so long, it's bound to eat you up.

Absolutely NOT your fault at all. I think if a friend was asking advice about your situation I would suggest they had counselling and then decide whether they wanted to share the details with a DP, or anyone else, after they had received the counselling.

It may be that after receiving professional advice and help it doesn't consume you quite as much, or in the same way, and you subsequently choose not to share, which is perfectly ok.

You might be too fragile to share with your DP now. He could unintentionally ask an insensitive question or make a knee-jerk comment that would make things difficult for you both to navigate. Even just "why didn't you tell me before" could leave you feeling dreadful about HIS feelings and it's not about how HE feels.

Absolutely NONE of this at all is in any way your fault and I really hope the advice on here helps you going forwards.

Bjarnum · 29/12/2021 20:51

I fully understand your wish to tell your OH - please don't. The man who abused you should not also be allowed to finish your marriage and destroy your relationship.

delilabell · 29/12/2021 20:53

@MrsTerryPratchett I'm not derailing at all. I'm saying to op that if she feels it would help HER to tell her husband then she should.

Lilymossflower · 29/12/2021 20:55

You were spiked and raped. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

You need to get a counsellor asap so you can work through the feelings and not feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. But telling DH at this point would not be the right thing to do. Tell a counsellor.

Also, thank you for telling us. You can move forward from this Flowers

LetsStartAgain111 · 29/12/2021 20:55

Please do talk to your counsellor. It sounds like you were spiked as others have said.
It's not your fault at all.

Do you think your husband would be supportive if you told him?
Are you worried of how he would react?

You haven't cheated. It sounds like this scumbag knew what he was doing.
Have you ever spoken to your friends about it since?
Do they remember anything else at all from that night or seeing the man there?

I really hope you're ok and that you get the support you need.

PinkiOcelot · 29/12/2021 21:02

@delilabell re-read your first post. You didn’t say that at all. You said You couldn’t be with someone who wouldn’t accept what happened.
The only thing with that is, you wouldn’t possibly know how your partner would react until you’d actually told them.

OP, I think if I were you, I would discuss it with your counsellor and see how you feel afterwards. It honestly was not your fault. Sounds like you were spiked and raped. Could you also maybe talk to one of the friends you were with that night?

blisstwins · 29/12/2021 21:03

I would get help and also not tell my husband, at least not straightaway

Animood · 29/12/2021 21:04

@myhorriblesecret

I'm currently in counselling for another matter but I think I could tell the counsellor. I just feel dirty and like I've done something terrible.
Yes this is a really really good idea OP.
stalkersaga · 29/12/2021 21:05

I second recommendations of PP. You were the victim of a rape. It was not your fault and you did not cheat.

If you feel able please work up to telling your current therapist and you could also think about seeking support from Rape Crisis. From that basis, you can discuss what you want and need to do for yourself and whether or not this includes telling your partner.

For what it's worth - I was in a very similar situation years ago, except I knew my rapist. I did tell DH and I did not report. He never blamed me, he knew I hadn't cheated, he supported me. It was hard for him too but I made what I consider a full recovery. Unfortunately not every man would have reacted that way. What's best for you is the only thing you need to worry about here. I wish you all the best.