Do I tell DH or keep it a secret?

[myhorriblesecret]

I have never told anyone this but it's getting to the point where I can't think of anything else. I feel sick and disgusted at myself. I'm married with a DS. This happened while I'm married but before DS was born.

I was on a night out at a busy pub. We had already had a few drinks before getting there. We ordered drinks and the last thing I remember was a man coming over and sitting at our table.

Then I have a blurry memory of being in a nearby hotel bar. The next thing I remember is waking up and realising I'm naked on a bed and the man is having sex with me. I vaguely remember trying to get up and get dressed. Then nothing until I woke up at home the next morning.

I had loads of texts and missed calls off my friends who said I just disappeared. They don't know what happened or where I went.

I've kept this is for so long but it is eating me up inside. My DH had always said he had zero tolerance for cheating. I don't want to lose him but I find myself really wanting to tell him what happened.

What do I do? Was this cheating? My head in all over the place. Should I keep this to myself forever and not upset DH. It would kill me if he left me

Oh, bugger, sorry for the embarrassed face....

I'm amazed at the posters encouraging OP to keep her sexual assault secret as if it's something to be ashamed of, she is the victim & deserves support from her partner.
None of you would suggest the same for any other type of assault. You are part of the problem ffs!

If OP thought her partner would be 100% supportive then she wouldn’t have started a thread and just told him 🙄

OP should tell him. But there’s a chance he could either think she is exaggerating and cheated (which is why she’s worried about telling him) or he may not have the desired response time her and make her feel worse.

She should absolutely tell him eventually but I think first it’s important to work it through herself with a councillor without the added person involved.

OP how long ago was this?
I would be ringing the bar and the hotel asking for CCTV. I would also ask your friends if they took any photos that night. I would then be taking this to the police.

Don't let a victim-blaming bloke derail OPs thread.

Spiked and raped. I am so sorry this happened to you.

If you do decide to tell Dh be very clear you think you were spiked

Oh ffs I was going to say 'there's always one' but really, WHO would read the OP and spout that kind of victim blaming SHITE.

FLIRTING? A little flirting? Was there flirting? Fuck off.

I wouldn't say anything to your partner but maybe seek counselling for this asap. It sounds like your drink may have been spiked or you were raped. Sorry this happened to you.

This is rape OP, it sounds like you were spiked. Regardless if you were spiked or not, you clearly weren't able to consent. Only you know your DP, but it certainly doesn't sound like cheating to me, if you think it would ruin your relationship then I would cut yourself some slack and stop feeling guilty. Speaking to your councellor sounds like a good idea.

Op, do your friends know this man? Or was he a complete stranger.

I'm so sorry this happened to you

No i wouldnt tell husband.
As much as most men say they understand, most actually dont.
Then theres the why did you take so long to tell him.
Sorry to say its a secret you need to keep.
I hope youve had tests for sexual diseases/pregnancy ect, to be on the safe side .

Candleinthebreeze has made a very good point.

OP has already said her DH wouldn’t accept cheating which is why she hasn’t told him and I have a feeling he would ask the same questions as the above poster if that’s how she truly feels. I don’t think she should have to deal with that on top of everything else so it’s better to keep it to yourself until you’ve mentally dealt with a bit more.

Very much sounds like you were drugged and raped. I'm so sorry. I think it would help to seek counselling by a specialist ASAP. They may help you decide but in all honesty, i wouldn't tell him. Not at the moment anyway, maybe after you have had counselling help and they can help you see this wasn't your fault.

It's happened to me, a very long time ago and I told nobody, blaming myself. It took 20 + years before I even recognised it as drugging, abduction and rape. Make yourself the focus for now. You can get over this.

@MNHQ, you need to get on to the reports here.

@Candleinthebreeze You're a complete shithouse of a human being, you know that right?

@WonderfulYou so are you a rape apologiser then?
That's what you post is suggesting.

You haven't done anything wrong. It looks very much like you were drugged and then raped by this man. A give away is zero contact afterwards. If you had gone consensually with this man you would more than likely have exchanged numbers etc. also your friends saying you disappeared is another red flag.

I don't think you have anything to gain by telling your DH. He will be hurt you haven't told him before now. He will question if it was rape. It is common for victims to be blamed by those closest to them, saying you must have made yourself vulnerable with alcohol.

Talk to a proper rape councillor rather than your general councillor in the first instance to help you processed what happened to you. You can always talk to your current councillor about it after that. Good luck OP I hope you find your peace

You were raped. You did not consent to sex. You have no reason to be disgusted with yourself.

Nor do you have any obligation to disclose that you've been sexually assaulted to anyone, even your husband. It is something that you can keep to yourself or that you can tell your husband about - whichever you think will be best for you. I agree that counselling might be a good first step to help you clarify whether you want to tell him or not.

Wishing you all the best .

I would be ringing the bar and the hotel asking for CCTV. I would also ask your friends if they took any photos that night. I would then be taking this to the police.

Very easy to say when it's not you. There are reasons that the vast majority of women do not report. Not least that the process is often as traumatic or more than the rape itself and even of the small percentage that report, about 98% don't even get prosecuted or the perpetrator is acquitted.

The chances that CCTV would be useful even if it survives are miniscule. The chances that reporting would prove to be a helpful process for OP, also tiny. Which is not to say she shouldn't do it. It's also worth discussing with Rape Crisis and OP's counsellor. But the vast majority of women do not report and that is for very good and sound reasons. OP's first concern has to be her own recovery and survival.

@Candleinthebreeze the ‘only one thing’ you should want to know if you’re ever in the unfortunate position to hear such awful news is how you can best support your partner.

@delilabell

I couod not be with someone who wouldn't accept what happened to me / the support I needed?

Great, but this thread isn't about you!

It's sad, but a lot of men wouldn't understand, especially having not been told at the time.

@Candleinthebreeze, FOTTFSOFATFOSM. You are a despicable human being. I'm embarrassed for you.

@Candleinthebreeze

I could of encouraged him to drug and rape me?

so are you a rape apologiser then?
That's what you post is suggesting.

@Sideswiped don’t be so fucking disgusting!!

I’ve said if that’s how a man thinks then OP shouldn’t tell him yet. Which she’s already chosen not to do for that very reason.

How the fuck is that me being a rapist apologiser??!!

I’m not going to reply again in this thread,

Good, off you fuck then.