Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Guy I'm dating said he is open to dating others

142 replies

Fairylights246 · 29/12/2021 07:25

I have been dating a guy for about 6 weeks. We met through mutual friends, and it had been going so well. Even though it has been a short time, we are in contact every day, have been in that can't stop talking to you phase, texting all day every day, until early hours of the morning, long dates, so much affection...it has felt very much like a relationship very quickly really.

He is always telling me he can't stop thinking about me, that he really likes me. He said he has told his friends about me, mentioned me to his dad. I have also told my friends about him, as I just felt so excited and positive and had such a good feeling!

He has gone abroad for Christmas and New Year as he is not from the UK. So he has gone to see family/friends etc. Even whilst he has been away the contact has been great, always telling me about his day, what he has been up to, etc. He sent me a Christmas present in the post.

I had no worries about him going away, and it seemed he was really serious and invested in me.

I don't really know why I brought the discussion up yesterday, I felt so confident that he had no interest in dating others because or how he was with me. But nonetheless I asked him.

He said he isn't taking anyone else at the moment, and he isn't looking for dates because he is interested in getting to know me, but that he is open to dating others until he comes back to the UK, and that if a girl fancied him when he is in his home country then he would like to meet her...what?

Why does it make a difference if he is in his home country or not? Not looking for dates but if someone happens to like him then he will want to see if he can get his leg over whilst on holiday??

I said I was surprised by this response after how he had been with me. I said that if a guy told me he fancied me, I would say I am not interested because I am dating someone already who I really like. I said that I felt if he really liked me as he had said he did multiple times why would he be open minded to dating other people?

He then said that he was open to discussing exclusivity but that he said it didnt seem fair whilst he was away for us not to see other people. It has only been a few weeks! Can he not cope without sex or female attention for that long? And how can he say all those romantic and loving things...literally sending me paragraphs of how much he likes me but then still want to date others if the opportunity presented itself?

OP posts:

2022beesknees · 29/12/2021 07:31

He sounds an idiot. Bin.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 29/12/2021 07:33

I'll probably get disagreed with here but I think it's nice that he is being honest with you. So many men these days are sneakily shagging others whilst demanding loyalty from the woman they are dating - at least you know and can do likewise without feeling guilty.

If you want an exclusive long term relationship though, then obviously, he's not the one.

What country has he gone home to?

ShesComeUndone · 29/12/2021 07:34

He sounds grim. I am only forty but I find the way men treat women today baffling. When I used to date (90s and early 00s) that response would have just resulted in me hanging up the phone and being glad he had shown his true colours before I had invested too much time in him.

Don’t let men get away with this nonsense. They can get sex and women too easily nowadays and both seem to be losing their value to them.

wotchalike · 29/12/2021 07:36

Well, he's honest, I'll give him that!

Personally I'd be super upset and end it. I'd assume that he wasn't that into me, wanted someone back home for his real long-term relationship, and just wanted a short romance with me.

Having said as much, six weeks isn't that long (especially if you haven't talked about being exclusive), and I'm sure a lot of people would secretly feel this way without stating it out loud.

Sorry OP, it's rubbish when this sort of thing happens.

SNUG2022 · 29/12/2021 07:39

Sounds like he knows there is a woman back home that he hooks up with when he's there. Or he goes out with his mates and would have a one night stand. Either way, this man wouldn't be for me. You're right, when you are interested in someone it is all about them. I'd have to end it as it wouldn't do my mental health or self esteem much good.

Original poster

Fairylights246 · 29/12/2021 07:39

The thing is, I said to him, right okay, well that isn't going to work for me. We have had sex and I said I personally don't want the person I am having sex with to be dating others.

He seemed to be backtracking saying he is open and happy to talk about being exclusive, that he really likes me, he wants to "clear this up", and he tried calling me, and said he wanted us to discuss our boundaries, and sorry if I was upset, he just wanted to be honest.

And I feel like okay he doesnt want to lose me, so now seems open to discuss being exclusive, but I would just feel like I forced him into it? And I just feel like if he really liked me like he said he did then he would of wanted to be exclusive anyway without me having to say I'm walking away??

It just makes everything he said feel meaningless

OP posts:

dumplings1 · 29/12/2021 07:43

I expect he's already found his next victim in his home country, probably someone he already knows and is telling you out of guilt.
He's love bombing you to keep you hooked and trying to convince you that dating around is ok after getting that close to you, just because he wants to shag about! it's not ok. Don't allow it, he's the kind of guy if you let him will keep on with this shady behaviour, you wouldn't be able to trust him.
If he was genuine, you are right to think he wouldn't want to play you.

Crazykatie · 29/12/2021 07:43

A boyfriend should be exclusive, if he isn’t he is a sex partner as long as it suits him, being honest puts all the responsibility back on you.
He will get bored of you and move on, maybe already has.

rrhuth · 29/12/2021 07:44

Bin.

I don't like all the love bombing whilst also hedging bets.

You need someone better.

2022beesknees · 29/12/2021 07:46

The sense of entitlement these days among some men, it's depressing. It's like someone opened up all the candy stores and left the doors open and all those little boys assume they can just walk in and take what sweets they like.
I think that if he were a real man (and not a little boy) he would have identified the point at which he thinks you and he can have a meaningful relationship and he would have raised the (oddly strange to me) exclusivity talk without you having to prompt him.

Dozer · 29/12/2021 07:48

Words are cheap!

‘Open and happy to talk about being exclusive’ is just waffle.

As exclusivity is important to you, it would’ve been better to have the conversation sooner.

It’s not ‘forcing’ anything to state that you’re only interested in a relationship with someone who’s not seeking to have sex with or date others.

Moonface123 · 29/12/2021 07:48

Be very careful, l work with alot of young men who are not from Uk, some are married, engaged etc and yet openly date over here because they can get away with it.

Cheetosyummy · 29/12/2021 07:52

When I met my H, he was talking to other women at same times. We started getting to know each other ( dates only, had no sex for first 2/3 months)
He was to fly to meet a women in EU, he talked too online before me.
He already bought the tickets and I felt a bit puzzled as he planned to meet someone and he already met me in person.
In the end he did not go as he said it wasn't fair on me.

Aprilx · 29/12/2021 07:55

@Fairylights246

The thing is, I said to him, right okay, well that isn't going to work for me. We have had sex and I said I personally don't want the person I am having sex with to be dating others.

It just makes everything he said feel meaningless

You are spot on. There is no “feeling” like you just forced it here, you definitely just forced it. So no, he was not serious about you, because if he was you wouldn’t have needed to have done that.

I am 50 so really not familiar with this “exclusivity” thing, it always used to be that you dated one person at a time. But even making an allowance for changing times, I would expect exclusivity after six weeks and once sleeping together.

Bin.

FlamesEmbersAshes · 29/12/2021 07:56

‘Open and happy to talk about being exclusive’? What? It doesn’t require a big discussion does it? Just him to not shag other people.

He’s shown you who he is. And early on too, before you got too invested. I’d move on from this one.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2021 08:00

He's already shagged someone else, I guarantee it. Get rid.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 29/12/2021 08:02

He's been honest with you, he wants to play the field , that is his perogative I suppose. Nothing U.R there .
Find someone who wants a committed relationship with you . The U.R would be you ignoring this, and crying into your coffee a year down the line because he is cheating.
Cut him loose op and find someone that deserves you !

TellMeItsPossible · 29/12/2021 08:04

You are treating him as a potential life partner, he is treating you as a disposable toy. Bin him before he gets back, block everywhere, etc.

It sounds like things got very intense, very quickly, which is often the hallmark of a user. (Or worse) You're well rid.

And ignore the apologists on the thread, OP. There's nothing admirable about disingenuous behaviour dressed up as "honesty." If he didn't want to be exclusive with any one woman he should have said so from the start.

gannett · 29/12/2021 08:11

It just makes everything he said feel meaningless

Yeah this is the key thing isn't it.

I wouldn't necessarily expect exclusivity with a guy I'd been seeing for 6 weeks.

I would expect exclusivity from a guy who'd been sending me paragraphs of sweet talk! Like, if you're going to do romantic gushing at least fucking mean it. And if you don't mean it after 6 weeks that's fine but don't bullshit me.

He's a bullshit artist who exposed himself with a weird moment of honesty - at least you know now OP.

FabulousMrFifty · 29/12/2021 08:18

@wotchalike

Well, he's honest, I'll give him that!

Personally I'd be super upset and end it. I'd assume that he wasn't that into me, wanted someone back home for his real long-term relationship, and just wanted a short romance with me.

Having said as much, six weeks isn't that long (especially if you haven't talked about being exclusive), and I'm sure a lot of people would secretly feel this way without stating it out loud.

Sorry OP, it's rubbish when this sort of thing happens.

Sorry, tend to agree with this, especially if you have not had “the chat “ yet

Mermaidwaves · 29/12/2021 08:18

This exclusivity thing is such bullshit!! It just used to be assumed, men and relationships have really deteriorated this last generation.

I think he's been love bombing you, the connection you feel isn't genuine, he probably does this to all women. I think some men quickly learn if they love bomb you they get to sleep with you quicker and get you hooked.

Him being honest is bullshit too. He thinks he can do exactly what he likes because he has you hooked now but hey! He has been honest with you right? He told you that you weren't exclusive, he can date others until you have the big talk.

How much longer is he away for?

FabulousMrFifty · 29/12/2021 08:22

When to have the talk
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4379451-When-to-have-The-Talk

Journeynotdestination · 29/12/2021 08:22

I couldn’t continue after that admission I’m afraid. I’d back way off from him or even end it. You need to set your boundaries strongly to not get hurt dating & this would be a dealbreaker for me. Sorry OP, what he’s said is absolutely shit.

firstimemamma · 29/12/2021 08:28

"Open and happy to talk about exclusivity" hahahaha, what a knob! I agree with everyone else, get rid. You can do better op.

jelly79 · 29/12/2021 08:41

I'll go against the grain

You have been dating for 6 weeks and he has been away for by the sounds of it a couple of weeks. You assumed exclusivity and asked him. He was honest. But now he knows how you feel he is happy to discuss it

I get that you are upset that you weren't on the same page but the fact that you hardly know each other it was a possibility

Be true to what you want of course but I don't think he is necessarily a villain here

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6