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Original poster

Guy I'm dating said he is open to dating others

142 replies

Fairylights246 · 29/12/2021 07:25

I have been dating a guy for about 6 weeks. We met through mutual friends, and it had been going so well. Even though it has been a short time, we are in contact every day, have been in that can't stop talking to you phase, texting all day every day, until early hours of the morning, long dates, so much affection...it has felt very much like a relationship very quickly really.

He is always telling me he can't stop thinking about me, that he really likes me. He said he has told his friends about me, mentioned me to his dad. I have also told my friends about him, as I just felt so excited and positive and had such a good feeling!

He has gone abroad for Christmas and New Year as he is not from the UK. So he has gone to see family/friends etc. Even whilst he has been away the contact has been great, always telling me about his day, what he has been up to, etc. He sent me a Christmas present in the post.

I had no worries about him going away, and it seemed he was really serious and invested in me.

I don't really know why I brought the discussion up yesterday, I felt so confident that he had no interest in dating others because or how he was with me. But nonetheless I asked him.

He said he isn't taking anyone else at the moment, and he isn't looking for dates because he is interested in getting to know me, but that he is open to dating others until he comes back to the UK, and that if a girl fancied him when he is in his home country then he would like to meet her...what?

Why does it make a difference if he is in his home country or not? Not looking for dates but if someone happens to like him then he will want to see if he can get his leg over whilst on holiday??

I said I was surprised by this response after how he had been with me. I said that if a guy told me he fancied me, I would say I am not interested because I am dating someone already who I really like. I said that I felt if he really liked me as he had said he did multiple times why would he be open minded to dating other people?

He then said that he was open to discussing exclusivity but that he said it didnt seem fair whilst he was away for us not to see other people. It has only been a few weeks! Can he not cope without sex or female attention for that long? And how can he say all those romantic and loving things...literally sending me paragraphs of how much he likes me but then still want to date others if the opportunity presented itself?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 29/12/2021 12:37

Can he not cope without sex or female attention for that long?

Good question, seems he doesn't want to.

Are you ok with that?

ps

I am 50 so really not familiar with this “exclusivity” thing, it always used to be that you dated one person at a time.

I'm early sixties and 'the talk' was absolutely a thing in my circle. Dating was going out with someone specific rather than just in a group of friends, seeing a movie and definitely no full sex, or even really taking clothes off. It was perfectly normal to date more than one person, until we were ready to have 'the talk' to agree to be exclusive. The next milestone was sexual activity which was only after 'the talk'

Genevie82 · 29/12/2021 12:40

OP, I totally agree with @Aquamarine1029. He’s seeing someone else that he properly sleeps with casually whilst he’s away and doesn’t want to be a total lying twat to you so is dressing it up like this. He’s just a superficial immature guy but you’ve got to take a step back too - 6 weeks is very little time to know someone and you’ve already invested so much emotionally.
Tell him it’s not what your looking for and bin him off. I would imagine if you ask him directly if he’s slept with anyone else whilst you’ve been seeing each other the answer will tell you everything you need to know 💐 it’s a lucky escape OP!

Notwithittoday · 29/12/2021 12:42

In the bin with him

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/12/2021 12:46

He’s seeing someone else that he properly sleeps with casually whilst he’s away and doesn’t want to be a total lying twat to you so is dressing it up like this

I wouldn't even give him that much credit TBH - it reads to me more like someone who feels entitled to do absolutely whatever he wants, and is sharing this with OP so she can't complain later

As said, he's backtracking now she's dared to suggest this isn't ideal, but that doesn't change the basic truth that he's a player who's unlikely to change

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 29/12/2021 12:56

Yuk!

He's wrecked it. Opened his mouth, player himself, ruined it.

I'd be surprised if you could even look at him without hearing him say that he was happy to shag anyone whilst in another country and then come back and discuss being exclusive with you.

Having his cake and eating it.

Yes, very honest of him. And deeply unattractive. A 100% effective contraceptive.

Nogardenersworld · 29/12/2021 12:57

6 weeks is too early to expect exclusivity, in a normal relationship.
But it’s reasonable with the messages hes sending you. So clearly these messages aren’t genuine they are love bombing.

Now you’re forcing him into exclusivity
Hes still happy to shag other people.

Know your worth

gelatodipistacchio · 29/12/2021 12:58

I would bin.

Notamaidenname · 29/12/2021 13:03

@Fairylights246

I can see both sides to this and hear what you are all saying.

It is very early days, and in a different scenario I would not be bringing up exclusivity so soon, especially with the person being abroad. BUT because of the way we have been together, the level of affection, attention, Christmas present, daily contact, talking about future plans when he gets back, plans for his birthday, etc... I felt things were progressing and that we were both serious.

I made the assumption he was on the same page as me, due to his behaviours and words, which he was very much driving...

He said he was going to talk to me about when he came back to the UK, but how do I know if that is true, and why am I suddenly good enough to be exclusive with when he is here, but not when he is on holiday?

I havent even heard from him today. Even though the last thing I said to him was I needed time to think, but doesnt feel like he is trying that hard to make it okay!

Hes got shagging to fit in before he gets back to you

Hes in trouble now, so he may as well

It’ll all be covered under ‘but I told you we weren’t exclusive’ when he comes back and you won’t have a leg to stand on

Hes going to talk to you is he?
When suits him
When he’s back
On his terms
.. after he’s had time to do what he wants

lemonyfox · 29/12/2021 13:29

He likely has a regular hook up/FWB in his own country that he already has or currently plans to have sex with whilst over there.

At least he's being honest...

billy1966 · 29/12/2021 13:37

You were being played OP.

I would put money that he has been with other people during your time together.

You are an option, not his priority.

Be wise, move on.Flowers

Choccyaddict4eva · 29/12/2021 13:43

He love bombed you OP. Too much happened too soon. If he was truly genuine he would never have said what he said about meeting someone else on holiday. Massive red flag- let him go, and learn from the experience. Sorry this has happened to you!

BluePlatt · 29/12/2021 13:55

But you've been so starved of love, it felt like 'finally, someone sees me and gets me!'. So you fell for him, and showed him your wounding - your need for love. Someone who was not so much in need of love would have found him very creepy and weird. I used to be like you, and now I'm not - so I know the truth of that

^i agree this happens a lot, very insightful. Also, sometimes the social pressure to be in a “relasshionship” is felt more strongly by women, so sometimes fantasy comes before reality.

Anyway, he doesn’t respect you OP. Either he’s completely oblivious to his own ridiculous and hurtful actions, or he takes you for a fool. Possibly both.

Original poster
Fairylights246 · 29/12/2021 13:56

I asked him if he was having sex or dating anyone else and he said no. He said he hasnt dated anyone else apart from me since his last relationship ended. That he isn't looking for dates, but if someone liked him he would want to meet her? How good of him, so not actively searching but won't say no if the opportunity arises!

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 29/12/2021 14:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

MadMadMadamMim · 29/12/2021 14:13

I'd dump him. You kept your dignity earlier when you told him that his idea wasn't going to work for you. Stick to it.

It's utter crap for him to start backtracking and pretending he's up for a conversation about not shagging other women! Particularly as this conversation will clearly happen after he's spend his holiday time abroad doing exactly what he likes.

It would have tainted things for me and I'd politely end it. He's not who you thought he was.

EarthSight · 29/12/2021 14:31

@Fairylights246

I asked him if he was having sex or dating anyone else and he said no. He said he hasnt dated anyone else apart from me since his last relationship ended. That he isn't looking for dates, but if someone liked him he would want to meet her? How good of him, so not actively searching but won't say no if the opportunity arises!
He comes out with gems, doesn't he?

Six weeks is early but you've already had sex, yet, he's not willing to put any woman off until he's 100% super duper sure he's in a relationship, a decision instigated by you.

If you didn't instigate this conversation, I would how long he'd be happy bumbling along for.

After all, why would he choose only 1 jar of sweets when you could be sampling everything from the sweetshop?

tarasmalatarocks · 29/12/2021 15:24

I’ve never ever had to have an exclusivity talk even with 2 marriages and a live in relationship of 4 years— I took it as gospel if I saw them more than a couple of times and I think they did too— is he American? They seem to do this

eveningbubble · 29/12/2021 15:42

you need to get rid of him fast, I am not that old either and this exclusivity chat is bollocks. He is dipping his dick into someone else and wants you to be ok with that and stay on pause for him. It is really really grim. The person who really wants you won't do that. Recast your net OP and find someone worthwhile, there are decent men out there.

ufucoffee · 29/12/2021 15:43

He was testing the water to see if he could get away with shagging around whilst having you on the back burner. It's backfired on him and I don't blame you for feeling like you do. Dump him.

SunflowerTed · 29/12/2021 16:54

Get rid. Not to be trusted

gsaoej · 29/12/2021 17:05

Get rid.

If he was falling in love with you, no way would he consider random shags. He wanted to cheat on you and make it ok but informing you. And yes, in a sexual relationship, it’s very much cheating.

Mumof3confused · 29/12/2021 17:08

I agree with @gsaoej if you are really into somebody, you don’t really have eyes for anyone else in my opinion.

Thirtytimesround · 29/12/2021 17:16

I’m sorry OP. That sucks.

Different people have different approaches to this kind of stuff, but if I was having sex with a guy I was dating and then he mentioned that he didn’t yet consider us exclusive, that would be the relationship over for me. It’s just too unsexy (and incredibly disrespectful). Either you’re a fuckbuddy, or a girlfriend he’s faithful to. Sounds like he saw you as a fuckbuddy he was auditioning to be a girlfriend while he kept looking around. But romance and love just doesn’t work like that! Then he tried to backtrack when he realised that you might stop sleeping with him. Yuck.

I don’t think it’s a question of ‘should you end it’ it’s whether the relationship can be what it was now you know what he was thinking all along. Basically whether you still adore him. I wouldn’t.

RantyAunty · 29/12/2021 17:17

He's likely shagging someone over there already.

I don't know why people keep saying he's been honest.
He hasn't been honest at all.
Everything he was doing from the very beginning was dishonest when he clearly knew he would be keeping his options open.
But only managed to say that when he's already gone on holiday and likely already shagged someone else.

Bin him.
You thought things were progressing nicely.
He was just doing a mindfuck on you.

BackBackBack · 29/12/2021 17:22

I'd ditch. But then the whole date everyone and everything until you go "exclusive" has never been for me. And it's fine if you don't want that either.

Sounds like being with him means having to put up with him fucking other women until such time as he decides he's exhausted all of his options and settles for you. And if you're ok with that then it's fine. But it's also fine for you to not be ok with it. In which case he needs to accept that being with you means being exclusive and not shagging around. And if either of you don't like the other's terms then you aren't compatible and should go your separate ways anyway.