Guy I'm dating said he is open to dating others

[Fairylights246]

I have been dating a guy for about 6 weeks. We met through mutual friends, and it had been going so well. Even though it has been a short time, we are in contact every day, have been in that can't stop talking to you phase, texting all day every day, until early hours of the morning, long dates, so much affection...it has felt very much like a relationship very quickly really.

He is always telling me he can't stop thinking about me, that he really likes me. He said he has told his friends about me, mentioned me to his dad. I have also told my friends about him, as I just felt so excited and positive and had such a good feeling!

He has gone abroad for Christmas and New Year as he is not from the UK. So he has gone to see family/friends etc. Even whilst he has been away the contact has been great, always telling me about his day, what he has been up to, etc. He sent me a Christmas present in the post.

I had no worries about him going away, and it seemed he was really serious and invested in me.

I don't really know why I brought the discussion up yesterday, I felt so confident that he had no interest in dating others because or how he was with me. But nonetheless I asked him.

He said he isn't taking anyone else at the moment, and he isn't looking for dates because he is interested in getting to know me, but that he is open to dating others until he comes back to the UK, and that if a girl fancied him when he is in his home country then he would like to meet her...what?

Why does it make a difference if he is in his home country or not? Not looking for dates but if someone happens to like him then he will want to see if he can get his leg over whilst on holiday??

I said I was surprised by this response after how he had been with me. I said that if a guy told me he fancied me, I would say I am not interested because I am dating someone already who I really like. I said that I felt if he really liked me as he had said he did multiple times why would he be open minded to dating other people?

He then said that he was open to discussing exclusivity but that he said it didnt seem fair whilst he was away for us not to see other people. It has only been a few weeks! Can he not cope without sex or female attention for that long? And how can he say all those romantic and loving things...literally sending me paragraphs of how much he likes me but then still want to date others if the opportunity presented itself?

Bin! On to the next.
It's fine not to want to be exclusive after 6 weeks, but the fake love bombing and bullshit would be a hard no from me.
Honest to God, don't put up with it. I can't bear game playing.

Personally I would walk away from this situation

I appreciate that it has only been 6 weeks, but he has been quite full on, and knew he was going abroad. The respectful thing to do (if he cared about you as much as he insinuated) would have been to initiate the conversation about exclusivity before he went as he’s clearly open to dating others.

He has been honest, but being honest doesn’t mean you get to say what you want with no consequences. If his actions have given you second thoughts about him, that’s fine, honesty or not. You want different things

I think guys like this do tend to look for “the one” back home too

He wants an open relationship and you don’t, so this won’t work. There’s nothing wrong with open relationships but you both need to be on the same page which you aren’t.

@Fairylights246

The thing is, I said to him, right okay, well that isn't going to work for me. We have had sex and I said I personally don't want the person I am having sex with to be dating others.

He seemed to be backtracking saying he is open and happy to talk about being exclusive, that he really likes me, he wants to "clear this up", and he tried calling me, and said he wanted us to discuss our boundaries, and sorry if I was upset, he just wanted to be honest.

And I feel like okay he doesnt want to lose me, so now seems open to discuss being exclusive, but I would just feel like I forced him into it? And I just feel like if he really liked me like he said he did then he would of wanted to be exclusive anyway without me having to say I'm walking away??

It just makes everything he said feel meaningless

There is a lot of pressure /encouragement from many dating coaches / relationship forums online to keep dating, keep open to other offers at the start, American-style, and it's hard to know what's "normal" nowadays - depends which forums you're on! Look at any thread on mumsnet and you'll see often people encouraged to LTB for all sorts of reasons, but elsewhere, you'll see different attitudes. You're the one in this and only you can make that call. He sounds like he's a good communicator. You've shown him your boundaries and he's stepped up. If you get on well, I would not write him off on that basis, just make clear that as far as you're concerned it's exclusive or nothing now. FWIW this time last year I was seeing someone casually and we were both open to seeing other people. I think in some ways we did that just to prove a point, because of both being recovering from long marriages. I think that he saw someone else while on holiday and I had a couple of other dates too. Then things moved on naturally and now it just wouldn't happen. I think this can be part of the natural course of a relationship for some people.

I’m too fucking old. This exclusive bullshit is very love island. For most of my generation, having sex with someone means you’re supposed to be in a relationship, not dating and shagging around… unless it was a ons or a series of them. And if it’s a ons, it’s something, which should have been crystal clear. He’d have been known as a two timing love rat and thrown back in the sea, possibly being told to eff off first. So I’d tell him to eff off if he expects you to be ok while he shags someone else.

literally sending me paragraphs of how much he likes me

There’s your red flag. He sounds like the type that has these paragraphs stored in the notes on his phone, and copies and pastes them to whoever he is love bombing at the time.

Bin him off.

In some countries your not exclusively dating until you have had the chat. He was honest with you and is interested in you. If you want to be exclusive then just say that is what you want and then if he is into it then great. I don't see the big deal.

I'm sorry but this is just how he is ... with any girl who is attracted to him and who he is interested in. He made you feel special but now you know better the wider context. I'm sorry. He's simply not worth it. Wish him well and move on.

I would end it with him and explain that his attitude has put you off.

I have a daughter who is still young but approaching her teenage years. I really hope she is able to be open with me and I can have some influence on how she values herself in relationships. I'm going to say to you what I would say to her. As a mother who loves you and wants the very best for you, you are worth so, so much more than this. Move on x

He’s just full of shit. Tells you all the nice things until he feels he’s got you reeled in and then moves the goalposts to suit his dick.

His ‘honesty’ is not to be commended here. He’s basically telling you that even when he’s really into you and can’t stop thinking about you’, he’s up for fucking other people.

The one upside is that now at least you have the full picture of what life will be like with him. Up to you what you do with that information. Personally I would bin.

I’m in the fence. But if he really really liked you he wouldn’t want I date anyone else….however 6 weeks isn’t a long time and if you haven’t had the exclusive talk….

A man who sees you as a long term partner will 100% ensure you have no doubts about your relationship. He made you think that he was 100% into you with his words, but his actions (I'm open to dating others) are completely contrary to where you thought you were heading.

He's just not that into you unfortunately, no matter the connection you felt on your side, he clearly doesn't feel the same. He's keeping his options open to see if anything better comes along and you'll always feel like the second choice regardless if he agrees to "exclusivity" now. 'Tis absolutely shit, but you live and learn.

I don’t see the problem. He’s honest with you and it’s massively early days and you haven’t discussed exclusivity. I had this rule when I was dating and would date until it was exclusive! I’m not a massive player or a cheat so I don’t see this as a red flag at all (I’m female)

As an additional comment, every woman dating should keep dating these days until you have the exclusivity chat - and be honest about it too. It’s a great strategy to focus the minds of your would be suitors. Very silly to assume exclusivity in the days of online dating - and if it’s important for you to not sleep with someone who is sleeping with others, then the onus is on you to bring this up before you have sex.

You’d also be silly to assume that you’re now “forcing” him to be exclusive. Truly cutting off your nose to spite your face with that kind of attitude.

@Allsorts1 would you of told your friends and family about him too? and the fact that he told her he was thinking about her all the time, in constant contact. I think it's a bit shit of someone to act like he was really into her then drop the bomb as soon as he was abroad not to be exclusive.

I totally get it's fine not to exclusive straight away but in that case you don't act so full on with the person you're dating.

Whoa - you've been dating for six weeks and he's been away for over a week of that already. I think he should be running from you!

@dumplings1 well, I did discuss all my prospective suitors and their relative merits with both friends and family in my dating days, but mostly for the fun of it - but you’re right I didn’t love bomb anyone.

However maybe he is really excited about her but it has literally been 6 weeks, he’s had this holiday home planned, maybe he has unfinished business with a few women there and he didn’t want to commit to anyone right now even if he sees massive potential with them. Lots of explanations that don’t necessarily mean the answer is to block him and never speak to him again!

At the end of the day, if he was a bad guy he just would have kept “love bombing” OP from afar rather than being totally upfront.

Aw I’m sorry OP 💐
The thing is, whatever happens now it’s spoiled isn’t it. Tainted.

I can see both sides to this and hear what you are all saying.

It is very early days, and in a different scenario I would not be bringing up exclusivity so soon, especially with the person being abroad. BUT because of the way we have been together, the level of affection, attention, Christmas present, daily contact, talking about future plans when he gets back, plans for his birthday, etc... I felt things were progressing and that we were both serious.

I made the assumption he was on the same page as me, due to his behaviours and words, which he was very much driving...

He said he was going to talk to me about when he came back to the UK, but how do I know if that is true, and why am I suddenly good enough to be exclusive with when he is here, but not when he is on holiday?

I havent even heard from him today. Even though the last thing I said to him was I needed time to think, but doesnt feel like he is trying that hard to make it okay!

@User2638483

Aw I’m sorry OP 💐 The thing is, whatever happens now it’s spoiled isn’t it. Tainted.

Yes it does feel tainted :( just feels like the special ness has gone, but also everything he has said and done now feels so meaningless

He has love-bombed and fast-forwarded you. You can use a search engine to understand what has happened. Or go to Natalie Lue's Baggage Reclaim website and search there. She is brilliant on dating - take a look at her 'stages of dating' - it will be really helpful to you.

To him, it was all just words. He gives good date. This has nothing to do with age, it is to do with being dating-aware. I'm late 50s, and when I'm dating, I assume the person is still dating others unless we have discussed otherwise - which in general I do before I sleep with someone.

Because chances are, I want to sleep with someone before I have decided if they are suitable boyfriend material - which would in general take at least 3 months. You can see how someone can pull the wool over your eyes for 6 weeks - you need time to allow a person to unfold, but obviously don't want to be shagging someone who is shagging someone else.

Then if it turns out they are - well it's an easy dump. This one is an easy dump too. He just tricked you into becoming involved too soon - you never would have done it if he hadn't come on so strong - that is always a red flag - who did he think so highly of? Cos he didn't know you.

But you've been so starved of love, it felt like 'finally, someone sees me and gets me!'. So you fell for him, and showed him your wounding - your need for love. Someone who was not so much in need of love would have found him very creepy and weird. I used to be like you, and now I'm not - so I know the truth of that.

There is some terrible well-meaning bad advice on here. He has played you. He is now going to see if you have few enough boundaries to add to his harem. Because now, at whatever time, and however the 'discussions' of exclusivity go, you can bet your life in the future you will hear 'well, you knew I was dating other people/ I would have dated other people but you forced me into exclusivity too soon' or a variation on the theme.

He isn't going to try very hard, because he doesn't think he has to. Your brain is seeing the flaws in him. Your heart is trying to talk your brain out of it.

Don't do it. Get rid.

Sorry Op. what a twat.
Have respect for yourself and let this one go. You don’t even need to justify yourself, just say it isn’t for you.

I made the assumption he was on the same page as me, due to his behaviours and words, which he was very much driving...

I believe it's called lovebombing on here, and assuming something about a person you've known for only a short while can be unwise

At least he was honest I guess; the backtracking will be merely to keep you onside, but his real intentions are known so now it's up to you to decide if it works for you
Personally I'd throw him back ...

Theres a massive difference between a man being basically polite but non committal 6 weeks in and exclusivity being a discussion to be had and a man sending reams of romance and telling friends and family and exclusivity being a 'discussion'. The former is understandable. No great declarations have been made. The actions match the words and feeling. The latter is a bullshit merchant. He cannot be trusted. At all.