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Original poster

Guy I'm dating said he is open to dating others

142 replies

Fairylights246 · 29/12/2021 07:25

I have been dating a guy for about 6 weeks. We met through mutual friends, and it had been going so well. Even though it has been a short time, we are in contact every day, have been in that can't stop talking to you phase, texting all day every day, until early hours of the morning, long dates, so much affection...it has felt very much like a relationship very quickly really.

He is always telling me he can't stop thinking about me, that he really likes me. He said he has told his friends about me, mentioned me to his dad. I have also told my friends about him, as I just felt so excited and positive and had such a good feeling!

He has gone abroad for Christmas and New Year as he is not from the UK. So he has gone to see family/friends etc. Even whilst he has been away the contact has been great, always telling me about his day, what he has been up to, etc. He sent me a Christmas present in the post.

I had no worries about him going away, and it seemed he was really serious and invested in me.

I don't really know why I brought the discussion up yesterday, I felt so confident that he had no interest in dating others because or how he was with me. But nonetheless I asked him.

He said he isn't taking anyone else at the moment, and he isn't looking for dates because he is interested in getting to know me, but that he is open to dating others until he comes back to the UK, and that if a girl fancied him when he is in his home country then he would like to meet her...what?

Why does it make a difference if he is in his home country or not? Not looking for dates but if someone happens to like him then he will want to see if he can get his leg over whilst on holiday??

I said I was surprised by this response after how he had been with me. I said that if a guy told me he fancied me, I would say I am not interested because I am dating someone already who I really like. I said that I felt if he really liked me as he had said he did multiple times why would he be open minded to dating other people?

He then said that he was open to discussing exclusivity but that he said it didnt seem fair whilst he was away for us not to see other people. It has only been a few weeks! Can he not cope without sex or female attention for that long? And how can he say all those romantic and loving things...literally sending me paragraphs of how much he likes me but then still want to date others if the opportunity presented itself?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 29/12/2021 08:49

At least he’s being honest. He really likes you, but he’s clearly not interested in a committed relationship.

Drop him a note saying that this isn’t for you - block and move on.

SVRT19674 · 29/12/2021 08:55

The talk about exclusivity, it is a thing now, it seems. I just think it´s bullshit. When someone asks you out in a dating setting you are exclusive, six weeks or not. I am sooooo glad I am not dating, and especially happy I am not young in this day and age. I am very sorry for my daughter though, what kind of crap men she is going to meet.
This crap is not for you, don´t waist any more of your time. .Bin, move on.

Suprima · 29/12/2021 09:03

I don’t want to kick you whilst you are down, because it is shit and he was making all of the right ‘noises’ but you put all of your eggs in one basket- to the extend where he absolutely knew he was the golden goose.

You should be multiple dating too until commit is established. This doesn’t mean shagging others- dating, chatting, getting to know what is out there. Look back on your actions- were you always available for him? Prioritised his time and communications? Also, did you date properly- do nice things and activities? Or was it texting sweet talk? Also, I know we have urges that we want scratched- but once you sleep with a man, he does think he’s ‘got you’.

You seem to have made it very clear that this guy is basically your boyfriend after a month and a half and he has got cocky. You haven’t done anything wrong- he’s just unveiled his true colours earlier as a result.

Him now saying he is open to dating others is him testing you- are you going to keep shagging him and texting him even though he has told you this? He’s a drama queen.

There isn’t really any coming back from this- if he wanted to be your boyfriend, he would have asked you to be exclusive already. If he saw you as a serious partner- he wouldn’t be saying that he is opening to dating others.

Block, delete, move on. Don’t get into texting monologues- he doesn’t give a shit and it isn’t going to give you any ‘closure’. There’s nothing to be closed.

houseonthehill · 29/12/2021 09:03

I thought this approach was normal in some dating cultures? Or not unusual, leastways.

ElectraBlue · 29/12/2021 09:05

Get rid.

You can be sure he is dating other women, in his home country but probably also here.

Texting mean little these days and men seem to do it even simply because they are bored. It is not a sign of real feelings. Same with the presents.

He is being charming to keep you interested but he was that keen on you he would not openly be seeing others.

Branleuse · 29/12/2021 09:10

i think this is how some people date in the beginning. Its a bit sex and the city. Isnt it the new york way of dating? In many ways it seems sensible, but youd need to be on the same page. He was honest with you, but if it doesnt work for you, then that is fine. As much as i think it seems sensible, i dont think id want to do this either. I dont like feeling like ive got genuine competition all the time

Mermaidwaves · 29/12/2021 09:17

Yes agree with PP that texting means nothing, men can tap away all day long on their phones, it gives a false sense of intimacy because they can text multiple women that day, it's not the same as real time spent together developing a bond.

I would stop texting him until he returns to the UK, by engaging in this he will think you are ok with what he's proposed.

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 29/12/2021 09:21

@Fairylights246

The thing is, I said to him, right okay, well that isn't going to work for me. We have had sex and I said I personally don't want the person I am having sex with to be dating others.

He seemed to be backtracking saying he is open and happy to talk about being exclusive, that he really likes me, he wants to "clear this up", and he tried calling me, and said he wanted us to discuss our boundaries, and sorry if I was upset, he just wanted to be honest.

And I feel like okay he doesnt want to lose me, so now seems open to discuss being exclusive, but I would just feel like I forced him into it? And I just feel like if he really liked me like he said he did then he would of wanted to be exclusive anyway without me having to say I'm walking away??

It just makes everything he said feel meaningless

You’re absolutely right. Don’t devalue yourself by putting up with this shit. He’s showing you early on who he really is, behind the love bombing. Don’t ignore these warning signs. I would send him on his merry way. You deserve so much better than this.
flowersforbrains · 29/12/2021 09:30

Who you thought he was and who he really is are two different things. He's just told you that.

I wouldn't spend any more time or energy on him. It's tough but I can pretty much guarantee that this will continue to go downhill.

When I met DH it was such a massive breath of fresh air. He really was 100% into me. Everything he said and did backed this up. At no point did we have the 'exclusivity' conversation because we didn't need to.

I'm a bit older so really don't understand all these entitled men. Women need to establish very clear boundaries and not put up with any old shit.

EarthSight · 29/12/2021 09:37

He then said that he was open to discussing exclusivity but that he said it didnt seem fair whilst he was away for us not to see other people. It has only been a few weeks!

Thus is so funny, but I'm sorry it's turned out like this.

Sounds like he was enjoying the infatuation and excitement phase BUT he was keeping his options open.....so he must not like you that much or has commitment issues.

Wonnle · 29/12/2021 09:38

Out of interest where has he gone ?
Given the travel chaos being reported .

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 29/12/2021 09:47

'Discuss exclusivity'

Fuck off.

NynaeveSedai · 29/12/2021 09:52

6 weeks in, he's just having the exclusivity talk. If he's saying he's willing to be exclusive don't cut off your nose to spite your face just because it wasn't his initial thought at this point.

Janeisalion · 29/12/2021 09:52

I would say he has already been going on 'dates' whilst away and just covering his back.

He has got you dangling a bit now havnt he OP.

BluePlatt · 29/12/2021 09:53

Interesting about the texting. I tend to agree - texting is cheap, free in fact, and a boon to bored, empty headed lotharios who thrive on random attention from women.

I also LOL at the “open to discussion on exclusivity”. What a load of waffle! Also this modern “dating” language seems utterly cold to me.

But obviously you must be hurting right now OP. Flowers. I would draw right back or better yet bin this one. He doesn’t value you. Next time, maybe take more time to get to know someone, as people don’t always show their strange, ruthless or entitled side straight away. It’s easy to be carried away by the idea of romance or whatever our agenda is, than looking clearly into the reality of the real, actual person.

Mumof3confused · 29/12/2021 09:56

That would be a no from me, call me old fashioned. Also the ‘sending paragraphs about how much he loves me’ etc, some of what you wrote about how he showers you with this kind of affection is a bit of a red flag, too.

Nietzschethehiker · 29/12/2021 09:58

I think ultimately he is being honest which is not a bad thing but I would feel the same as you and simply decide he wasn't the person for me.

I don't necessarily think he is doing anything wrong. It's extremely early days and he was upfront. By the same token you are free to decide you've found something in him that makes him incompatible with you.

I do think I would see it as a difference of view on what I want in a relationship and its a big enough thing that I would be done.

Noone is wrong as such but he very much would not be someone I would continue with.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 29/12/2021 10:00

Get rid

furbabymama87 · 29/12/2021 10:03

He's a bullshitter. There's no point even trying to work him out. Just bin and move on.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 29/12/2021 10:06

Agree it's good that he's being honest. But if he's not sure about you after 6 weeks enough to still want to date other people, I'd call it a day. You deserve better.

HaggisBurger · 29/12/2021 10:11

He’s telling you who he is. Listen.

TheCreamCaker · 29/12/2021 10:11

You've only been seeing each other for 6 weeks - no time at all, really. He wants to shag around, should the opportunity present itself. You can either go along with that or stop seeing him. I know which one I'd do..........

Suprima · 29/12/2021 10:12

JFC- this man is not being honest

He has shagged the OP, fed her romantic text essays and legitimised their situationship by telling her that he has told family about her, etc. - when in truth, he doesn’t see her as a potential girlfriend at all.

As I have said- the comment about wanting to date others is a test. He’s seeing you will eat the shit sandwich of him dating others in the hope that one day he ‘picks’ you, and you get to be girlfriend.

You don’t want to be picked by this man.

Ohpulltheotherone · 29/12/2021 10:12

You’ve been dating 6 weeks and haven’t had the exclusive conversation yet. Therefore actually I don’t think he’s in the wrong to still have one eye on potential other dates. You asked and he gave you an honest answer - he doesn’t see your situation as exclusive yet and whilst that is the case, he’s still open to dating others in theory.

The whole “Id only do it whilst I’m away and not when I’m back” is strange though. I’m not sure about the logic behind that one.

You clearly just have different expectations of the dating phase - I don’t think either of you are wrong but you need to have a frank conversation when he’s back.
Exclusive means exclusive regardless of country / holiday / season….

If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt then do it, him having a different definition of dating to you doesn’t make him a bad person. But you must make sure you have the same definition and expectations of the next phases

DowntonCrabby · 29/12/2021 10:13

BIN, he doesn’t respect you. You’re worth more than this. Flowers