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Original poster

Guy I'm dating said he is open to dating others

142 replies

Fairylights246 · 29/12/2021 07:25

I have been dating a guy for about 6 weeks. We met through mutual friends, and it had been going so well. Even though it has been a short time, we are in contact every day, have been in that can't stop talking to you phase, texting all day every day, until early hours of the morning, long dates, so much affection...it has felt very much like a relationship very quickly really.

He is always telling me he can't stop thinking about me, that he really likes me. He said he has told his friends about me, mentioned me to his dad. I have also told my friends about him, as I just felt so excited and positive and had such a good feeling!

He has gone abroad for Christmas and New Year as he is not from the UK. So he has gone to see family/friends etc. Even whilst he has been away the contact has been great, always telling me about his day, what he has been up to, etc. He sent me a Christmas present in the post.

I had no worries about him going away, and it seemed he was really serious and invested in me.

I don't really know why I brought the discussion up yesterday, I felt so confident that he had no interest in dating others because or how he was with me. But nonetheless I asked him.

He said he isn't taking anyone else at the moment, and he isn't looking for dates because he is interested in getting to know me, but that he is open to dating others until he comes back to the UK, and that if a girl fancied him when he is in his home country then he would like to meet her...what?

Why does it make a difference if he is in his home country or not? Not looking for dates but if someone happens to like him then he will want to see if he can get his leg over whilst on holiday??

I said I was surprised by this response after how he had been with me. I said that if a guy told me he fancied me, I would say I am not interested because I am dating someone already who I really like. I said that I felt if he really liked me as he had said he did multiple times why would he be open minded to dating other people?

He then said that he was open to discussing exclusivity but that he said it didnt seem fair whilst he was away for us not to see other people. It has only been a few weeks! Can he not cope without sex or female attention for that long? And how can he say all those romantic and loving things...literally sending me paragraphs of how much he likes me but then still want to date others if the opportunity presented itself?

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 29/12/2021 18:54

Throw this one back- he's not a keeper

Pinkbonbon · 29/12/2021 19:02

He is a love bomber. You can't rryst anything they say because it's all fake. They aren't actually really into you. They just act really into you to get you to lower your guard, trust them more and fall fur them fast.

Then it's a shock when the real them shows through. But that's who he is. Someone who has been bullshitting you to lower your guard. And fully intends to do the same to anyone else should the capture his fickle fancy.

cansu · 29/12/2021 19:03

I think I would wait until he is back to discuss. All this shit about being pen to discuss exclusivity is bullshit. If I were having a relationship with someone, I would assume that neither party would be dating or having sex with someone else.

TedMullins · 29/12/2021 19:10

The exclusivity thing isn’t just men messing women around. I’m a woman and I’ve made the mistake of getting in too deep too quickly in the past, so now I’m mentally healthier I wouldn’t want to agree exclusivity after only 6 weeks. Him sending you gushing paragraphs about how much he likes you is misleading though, I definitely wouldn’t do that!

BluePlatt · 29/12/2021 21:02

A bit off topic this one - but I do find some of the modern dating terms “ exclusivity agreement” and “friends with benefits” more something to be expected in the corporate/business world, and find that an interesting development; something that’s been transported across the States I guess. I believe how Language is used tells you a lot. ‘Open to Exclusivity Discussion’ sounds like a start up business pitch, let’s say one I would not be investing in! Or you could say by way of response that you in fact have a number of other offers in the table and you’ll have to get back to him on that one and you must do lunch one day yada yada yada...

Yellowhighheels · 30/12/2021 07:46

Whatever individuals' views are on exclusivity 'chats', this man has said and done enough in the short time you've been together to suggest he was seriously into you, which in a romantic sense would preclude him from being interested in other people if real, regardless of any discussions or agreements. We don't send reams of genuinely loving messages to someone if open to other offers. Therefore he doesn't sound genuine.

It's very hurtful but you know now what he's like and can maintain your dignity and tell him his previous actions don't match his words so therefore you want to leave things. As you say, it's spoilt now, I wouldn't be able to trust him.

Posters often pile on with OPs like this to declare 'he's definitely shagging someone else'. Don't upset yourself thinking about this, or trying to get to the bottom of whether he has. Nobody here knows that. It doesn't even really matter. The point is that he hasn't shown himself to be trustworthy or solely interested in seeing how things go with you for now. For him, overwrought romantic words and gestures don't hold a lot of meaning. When it comes to the nuts and bolts, words don't mean much at all- he's now obfuscating deliberately. What is a 'discussion about exclusivity'? If you wanted the same thing, it would just be a quick check and agreement.

I don't think you've misjudged things, I think you've been led on. Ok, 6 weeks isn't long, but 6 weeks of measured interactions with nothing to suggest strong feelings would be one thing, him behaving as though this is a rare whirlwind romance is different.

Suppose the lessons learnt are to check about exclusivity earlier, before sex, certainly. Doesn't have to be a big discussion, just 'I wondered whether anyone else is on the scene or you're still open to that? I don't like to sleep with someone I'm dating if so'.

layladomino · 30/12/2021 10:28

I completely understand how you feel Op. The problem isn't that he doesn't want to commit to exclusivity after 6 weeks (that in itself might be OK if both agree) but that his words to you up to this point are at complete odds with his suggestion that he's open to dating others. So you're understandably questionning which version of him is the genuine one.

User2638483 · 30/12/2021 10:36

@Fairylights246

I asked him if he was having sex or dating anyone else and he said no. He said he hasnt dated anyone else apart from me since his last relationship ended. That he isn't looking for dates, but if someone liked him he would want to meet her? How good of him, so not actively searching but won't say no if the opportunity arises!
I’d be curious to know at what point would this change for him?

When does he think he would he not feel that he would like to meet someone if they liked him?
When a certain amount of time has elapsed? When he was ‘sure enough’ about you?

Or would he perhaps always feel this way? Surely potentially even more so after a few years when the relationship has settled down and/or there was a rough patch!

His honestly is…..sort of interesting! It’s almost as though he didn’t expect you to be upset about it.

Wavypurple · 30/12/2021 10:38

Oh god run

DivorcedAndDelighted · 30/12/2021 16:11

I’d be curious to know at what point would this change for him?

When does he think he would he not feel that he would like to meet someone if they liked him? When a certain amount of time has elapsed? When he was ‘sure enough’ about you?

That's actually a really good question, and if I find myself having a "relationship status" chat in future, I think those questions could form part of a useful discussion. Thanks!

GuiltParty · 30/12/2021 16:37

I think his answer is telling in that he doesn’t seem concerned that you might meet someone else and he could lose you. He clearly feels secure that you’re not going anywhere and are therefore just an option at present.

TheFoundation · 30/12/2021 16:43

I think that you don't have matching expectations, and that part of the dating process about working out whether you match in this, and many other ways.

The issue here, for you to look into moving forwards, isn't 'Why would he do this bewildering thing?!' but 'Why am I so invested that this bewildering behaviour bothers me so much?'

flowersforbrains · 30/12/2021 18:04

@GuiltParty

I think his answer is telling in that he doesn’t seem concerned that you might meet someone else and he could lose you. He clearly feels secure that you’re not going anywhere and are therefore just an option at present.
Very true.

Makes you wonder what his reaction would have been if you had revealed that you had been seeing other people yourself during this six weeks. What's good for the goose and all that........

immersivereader · 30/12/2021 18:07

He's edging his bets. Probably already sleeping with someone over there. And laughing his socks off at how overinvested you are.

'home country' wtf

immersivereader · 30/12/2021 18:07

Oh god run

^

This, really

AgentJohnson · 31/12/2021 07:50

love bombing whilst also hedging bets.

This

Now he’s backpedaling to reel you back in. Urgh!

Crazykatie · 31/12/2021 08:33

He’s probably got a wife and kids back home who depend on him sending back a few quid a week, for them there is no choice, you do have a choice.

Marineboy67 · 31/12/2021 08:54

I think it's a case of having two cakes and wanting to eat them.
He's trying to ease his conscience by telling you this. I would put good money on the fact he's probably getting his leg over abroad. Sadly your never going to know the truth and any trust that you had started to invest in this will be gone. Not a good foundation to start a relationship from....Time to move on

Zerrin13 · 31/12/2021 08:56

Its 2022 tomorrow and woman are being treated even more like they are just on this planet for mens gratification. More so than I can ever remember and I'm old!
Bin this smooth talking twat off. Any talk of discussing exclusivity is a complete joke.

FrancescaContini · 31/12/2021 09:04

I’m also too old to have experienced the trend of the “exclusivity” talk. It never used to be “a thing”. Either you were seeing someone or you weren’t - that was it.

OLD has created the sweet shop mentality and the current trend for “keeping someone on the back burner” while chatting with others. Personally I would walk away if a guy I thought I was dating even raised the issue Confused

hivemindneeded · 31/12/2021 09:09

@Zerrin13

Its 2022 tomorrow and woman are being treated even more like they are just on this planet for mens gratification. More so than I can ever remember and I'm old! Bin this smooth talking twat off. Any talk of discussing exclusivity is a complete joke.
It's the prevalence of porn online. I think a huge section of the male population has lost the urge to fall in love, has forgotten or never learned how to be emotionally close to a woman or appreciate how rewarding genuine intimacy is, and how much better shagging is when you love someone. I feel sorry for them. they are like little porn bots scuttling around the planet trying to get their leg over with zero ability to maintain a rewarding, loving connection with anyone.
CouldThisReallyBe · 31/12/2021 09:20

Childish I know....but I'd be purposely 'missing' his next call and then responding 24 hours later with 'sorry I was out on a date'.

In all seriousness....he's sending you mixed messages. That alone would be a deal breaker!

supercali77 · 31/12/2021 11:14

I watched a great seminar the other night on anti love culture. It boils down to...culturally we have no loyalty to anything any more. We don't buy something for life. We are endless consumers searching for the next aquirement. With OLD we have endless choice. Where is the impetus not to keep consuming in romance as in everything else. And actually this is more pertinent for women. Women do not depend upon a man any more financially and socially. They also have more leverage in terms of sex. With this as the sea in which we swim, how does loyalty in love and romance survive. The only way I can see is that you have values and you never deviate. As a collective its womens moment actually. If we all stop accepting this low standard behaviour...it stops.

EchoFallsRose · 31/12/2021 13:46

This will most likely not be a popular opinion but if I was to start another relationship, I would not want exclusivity, meaning I’d be happy to have a long-term FWB, or an open relationship.
This situation seems different though, in that OP wants an exclusive relationship.
Monogamy is good but in my opinion having a life-long partner and giving your all to just one partner for the rest of your life is in my opinion unnatural. Obviously it works for many but not all.

flowersforbrains · 31/12/2021 18:40

@Zerrin13

Its 2022 tomorrow and woman are being treated even more like they are just on this planet for mens gratification. More so than I can ever remember and I'm old! Bin this smooth talking twat off. Any talk of discussing exclusivity is a complete joke.
I've thought this quite a bit recently. So glad I am old and happily married.

It's actually very sad. You see these old married couples and they talk fondly about how they courted. I can't see today's generation doing that when they are in their 70s and 80s.