DH goes silent and moody if I eat bad food

[PinkBauble]

NC for this. There is a bit of a backstory to this- I have been with DH for 16 years. When we met I was a slim size 12 (I'm 5'7). Just after we got married (together 4 years at that point), I qualified into a stressful profession and my eating habits spiralled. I began bingeing and my weight increased. Within a year I had put on 5 stone. It caused a lot of problems, and my self confidence became non-existent. DH confessed he did not find me as attractive or fancy me as much. I did ask him and put him on the spot but that was hard to hear.
For the last 11 years I have battled with my weight. I had DD1 8 years ago and when I was on maternity leave I signed up to weight watchers, joined a gym, and lost 4.5 stone. However, when I went back to work (full time) my stress levels increased, I wasn't able to go to the gym as much as I had been, and I began bingeing again. I then had a miscarriage and this really made me turn to food even more. I fell pregnant with DD2 fairly quickly after the mc, and managed to remain a fairly healthy weight. When she was born, I couldn't do what I had done on my previous maternity leave as I had DD1 too, and I really struggled with bingeing. A few times I managed to lose a few stone but I always put it back on again.
I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive.
I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, and my GP is trying to get me help, but there isn't anything in my area other than a talking telephone therapy service, which I've done several times for general anxiety and found useless. I'm on quite a high level of medication for anxiety.
I'm currently about 7 stone over my ideal weight (according to BMI guidelines), and still struggling to control bingeing.

Over the last few years, I've noticed DH getting grumpy, snappy and moody if I eat "bad" food in front of him. He will say he doesn't understand why I'm doing it if I want to lose weight, and gets very irritable and impatient if I ever try to explain my anxiety or bingeing to him. He thinks it is as simple as just "not doing it" ie bingeing. If I stick to a diet and go to the gym, whether it's slimming world, weight watchers, calorie counting or whatever else I've tried, he is totally different. Smiley, fun, and pleasant to be around.
Over Christmas there has been "bad" food in the house, and I've eaten it. Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them, and giving me the silent treatment.

I am sick of his behaviour. I get that my weight is not ideal, I know my health is at risk, and I am trying so hard to change, but I cannot cope with this and if anything, it pushes me towards bingeing as a "release". I've even threatened to leave him, but he just doesn't say anything.
Is there anyone else in a marriage like this? I desperately want to lose weight and get fit so I can start feeling healthy, but working full time, and often at night as well, as well as doing all the life admin, finances, and looking after the kids and dog etc is so hard. DH is just making me feel worse. I dread spending time with him.
Thank you if you have read this far.

Don't think it's abusive to be upset that your partner could die of a heart attack or create more health problems for themselves. hmm

It great that you read my post before choosing to reply to it.

It's the daughters and pet who are being abused.

They are not emotional punch bags for his anger, frustration etc with op.

....Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them,...

This abusive.

I'm amazed more posters haven't focused on it.

Op and her dh are adults who can choose to be in this situation/household or not; their daughters do not have that privilege. This is deeply unfair.

.... it's affecting our marriage and our children....

Not sure why anyone is questioning and minimising this, given op is saying it loud and clear (and that's only looking at the first 2 pages of this thead).

@Lighthouse2000

....Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them,...

This abusive.

I'm amazed more posters haven't focused on it.

Op and her dh are adults who can choose to be in this situation/household or not; their daughters do not have that privilege. This is deeply unfair.

Just saying, if I were in his shoes I would be beyond grumpy and snappy too. Most people would. He should be more mindful of his relationship with the kids, of course, but there's a huge difference between a man who is abusive because he's a prick and one who is occasionally unpleasant because he's drowning in a sea of stress and frustration due to his partner's addictive and self destructive behaviour.

@Lighthouse2000

.... it's affecting our marriage and our children....

Not sure why anyone is questioning and minimising this, given op is saying it loud and clear (and that's only looking at the first 2 pages of this thead).

You know what else is affecting the marriage and the kids? OP's unhealthy relationship with food and her failure to get proper help for her addiction.

OP,

I think your husbands behaviour is unacceptable.

It is abusive and controlling.

The dog is wary of him which is hugely telling.

He is using both the dog and your daughters as emotional punching bags and I would not be having it.

He's also very lazy and suits himself.

He does some housework but leaves EVERYTHING else for you to organise and carry.

You have a stressful job and yet he refuses to share the load with you.

I think you need to think long and hard about how much stress and anxiety this man is bringing to your life.

You sound like a lovely woman who deserves better.

If you're extremely overweight it will be seriously affecting your health, affecting your children, affecting your poor husband who has to watch you further damage yourself. You shouldn't have these foods around you - it's just like an alcoholic surrounding themselves with alcohol. You don't seem to take any personal responsibility. Can you imagine how hard it is to watch someone self harm like this?

There's no excuse for him taking his stress out on the kids and dog though.

but there's a huge difference between a man who is abusive because he's a prick and one who is occasionally unpleasant because he's drowning in a sea of stress and frustration due to his partner's addictive and self destructive behaviour.

The outcome is the same regardless of the "reasons".

And you are hugely minimising with "occasionally unpleasant"; op hasn't specified how often this is, but even once isbt right.

And he's not being "unpleasant", he's snapping at them when they've done nothing wrong and "being too hard on them" when they've done nothing wrong/out of the ordinary.

Even if he was just unpleasant, why should they have to take that in their home, from someone who's supposed to love them.

This could affect these girls mental health and relationship values.

They are being mistreated.

Shocking minimising happening with some posters on this thread.

You know what else is affecting the marriage and the kids? OP's unhealthy relationship with food and her failure to get proper help for her addiction.

Op is not the one snapping at and "being too hard on" her daughters.

Op needs to resolve her issue, but if her husband won't stop being abusive to their daughters and pet as a result of anger & frustration with her issue, he probably needs to move out until these issues are resolved.

@billy1966

OP,

I think your husbands behaviour is unacceptable.

It is abusive and controlling.

The dog is wary of him which is hugely telling.

He is using both the dog and your daughters as emotional punching bags and I would not be having it.

He's also very lazy and suits himself.

He does some housework but leaves EVERYTHING else for you to organise and carry.

You have a stressful job and yet he refuses to share the load with you.

I think you need to think long and hard about how much stress and anxiety this man is bringing to your life.

You sound like a lovely woman who deserves better.

Yep.

I have to wonder if, even if this issue were resolved, he would still be like this about something or other. Who knows.

In any case, if he "cant" stop abusing his kids and pet in the current situation, he perhaps needs to remove himself from the current situation.

It's not just binge-eating though, is it? At your own admission you eat "massive" portions at every meal, plus you're eating Christmas cake and handfuls of Quality Street.

And then you do secret binge-eating too.

@Youlittlerascal

Hi Pink baubles I truly understand and empathise. You are and have been carrying a lot of burdens.and your husband should be supporting and encouraging you rather than pulling at your self esteem. You are the mother of his children; see yourself as an earth momma; and find the joy in life in the precious things of life. Focus on the dog. Give your love to him in front of your husband. Use the dog as therapy and to get messages across to your husband. Whilst cuddling the dog - say with your husband listening - you love and value me for who l am and husband here does not know what he is missing out on. It is like a game and you have to box clever. Love your children more than your husband and he might get jealous. In your mind detach mentally from him and he will hold less power over you. Men don't understand women to our detriment. Box clever with him for your sake. Eat healthy mainly but if you want to have yummy things do so with a clear conscience. Hope there is something in this that is useful to you. I speak from experience of people not understanding me. Take care my friend.

As others have said, please ignore this advice as it is clearly batshit and very passive aggressive. You don’t seem to be the sort of person who would go along with such weird and manipulative behaviour anyway but I despair of some posters sometimes. Do people really do this sort of stupid stuff?

Anyway, well done on coming up with an action plan and talking to your OP. It sounds like you are taking some really productive steps to help you on your way.

This will be a long haul, these girls shall t be subjected to this during that long haul. Who knows what affect being bullied (that's what it is essentially) by their Dad everytime he's frustrated and angry with their Mum is having on them.

My dm is the same size as you 18-20 on clothes she had her first heart attack age 52. Then had a double heart bypass and valve replacement. She has problems with diabetes and mobility due to spinal problems. It's down to you to address the problem you need to take charge of your addiction to foods. I think your dh is rightly concerned.

Itsounds like this mornings conversation has been helpful. Im glad he told you he knows from the way you behave and even your body language when you've "secretly" binged. It puts his snappy behaviour back in context that also you might be being grumpy and angry but hadn't realised you were doing it.

If he has noticed so will your DDs. You aren't hiding it from them as you think you are. This is a good step.

Be careful of big promises that you are getting back on plan this time. Hes lived through it over and over and it might be triggering anxiety in him. Get professional help, not just yet another health kick or diet.

Fwiw, also rather noteworthy that he turns any anger & frustration he had onto the vulnerable, dependant members of the family, huh.

Not the one who could walk out or throw him out, disrupting his comfortable life. Not the only other adult human.

Says a lot about him.

Some of these replies by people who don't have BED aren't helpful.

OP I have BED and it really isn't something you can treat on your own through books and podcasts.

First an appointment with your GP for a full physical. Ask about medication for BED. Vyvanse is one of them. Some SSRIs work for it too as well as reduce your stress levels.
Get a referral for CBT or an ED specialist. Since you are rural, it might have to be online.
Try out the OA.

They'll help you identify triggers and then do behaviour modification to forum new habits. It changes the way you think about food and helps you get unstuck from the same spiral.

It's not easy but it's worth it and yes, there will be set backs but as long as your are willing, keep showing up and keep trying, you'll get better.

A lot of times we aren't really aware of our feelings. There's a phone app called Woebot that is free which is really good for daily check in with how you are feeling.

Good luck!

Why do so many people think only they understand “addiction”? Bluntness is correct, addiction eventually needs to face the harsh reality that only the person can exercise the self control needed. Finding comfort in a diagnosis that often leads many to think it’s not their fault is extremely unhelpful.

As the OP has aptly demonstrated people who are addicted are selfish and often think only about themselves and never of the impact they are having on others. It’s all about them, their feelings, and woes about those around them not being understanding enough or whatever enough. You will undoubtedly be having a big impact on those around you but you may not see it as you are wrapped up in yourself.

OP I am glad you are opening up your eyes on this. Old habits die hard so don’t be surprised if you fall back into the usual patterns but remember it’s always about making steps forward even when you may have taken a few steps back.

OP - just wanted to send you good wishes. I think re-thinking your job and career is beneficial - even if it means taking a pay cut. But your DH will also need to be on board with it - as a family, you may need to make financial adjustments and he will likely need to take on some of the admin burden so you can focus on yourself and your health.

Do consider maybe only having fresh fruit snacks available - banana, orange easy peelers, grapes. Limit the amount of carbs to what is used in meals. Perhaps DH could be in charge of getting the food shopping? I know it may not be as easy as this but I hope that together you can find a way to ease the stress on you and find a constructive way forward that works for your family.

I realise I haven't expanded on DH's treatment of our DC's. As an example, if he asks them to tidy up, or finish their meal, and they do not respond instantly, he goes straight to shouting and threatening that they will go straight to bed/no sleep over at granny's/put toys in the bin etc. We actually have beautifully behaved girls. They are sweet, kind, generous and funny. They will do anything I ask them to do because I ask nicely. He demands and speaks to us all like shit when he is in a mood. And he shouts. I can't deal with the shouting. I have lost count of how many times I have told him "it's not what you say, it's the way you say it".

He is still storming around the house today in a strop. When I've asked him what is wrong he just says nothing. I mentioned plans for NYD as we have been invited to a family members house, and he has said I can go with the girls but he isn't going as he is "sick of us making all the effort". For context, we live about half an hour away from most of my family and 5-10 mins from his. We spent Boxing Day and all day Monday with his family. I haven't seen my family at all yet, and the only plans to do so are on NYD. But now he is saying he won't go. Usually at these family days there is a buffet of things like mini spring rolls, popcorn chicken, pizza, etc (anything that can be chucked in the oven basically) and I'm now wondering if it is because of this that he doesn't want to go.

I think you should give the telephone therapy more of a chance. Your attitude towards it reminds me of someone I know who refuses any kind of talking therapy for anxiety, part of her clearly wants to stay the same and is frightened of making changes.

Whatever you are doing clearly isn't working so you need to try something else. Bariatric surgery would force you to stop bingeing; I would consider it in your position.

One thing that sings out from your posts is that you partly blame your husband for your addiction. That really is the least helpful thing you can do ... you need to own it if nothing else.

Oh and so I don't drip feed, I've never refused to go to family events on either side.

I did refuse to go to DH's friend's birthday party, and another of his friend's wedding reception. Because I couldn't face seeing the looks on peoples faces who last saw me when I was a slim size 12.

@A580Hojas

I think you should give the telephone therapy more of a chance. Your attitude towards it reminds me of someone I know who refuses any kind of talking therapy for anxiety, part of her clearly wants to stay the same and is frightened of making changes.

Whatever you are doing clearly isn't working so you need to try something else. Bariatric surgery would force you to stop bingeing; I would consider it in your position.

One thing that sings out from your posts is that you partly blame your husband for your addiction. That really is the least helpful thing you can do ... you need to own it if nothing else.

I will try it again, thank you. But I do not blame DH for my addiction. He is not putting the food in my mouth or forcing me to eat huge quantities. I know I make the decision to do that.

However, him being huffy and giving me the silent treatment, then taking it out on the DC's or our dog (who is the most affectionate dog I've ever come across) is not ok, makes my anxiety sky rocket and makes it even more likely that I will binge. It's a vicious circle.

I am now starting to understand things from his point of view though. I can appreciate how difficult it has been to watch this cycle for over 10 years.

And I do not believe bariatric surgery is the answer. It might stop me physically bingeing, but it won't address the psychological issues. I also know someone who had it and has not been able to keep the weight off.

@PinkBauble

I realise I haven't expanded on DH's treatment of our DC's. As an example, if he asks them to tidy up, or finish their meal, and they do not respond instantly, he goes straight to shouting and threatening that they will go straight to bed/no sleep over at granny's/put toys in the bin etc. We actually have beautifully behaved girls. They are sweet, kind, generous and funny. They will do anything I ask them to do because I ask nicely. He demands and speaks to us all like shit when he is in a mood. And he shouts. I can't deal with the shouting. I have lost count of how many times I have told him "it's not what you say, it's the way you say it".

He is still storming around the house today in a strop. When I've asked him what is wrong he just says nothing. I mentioned plans for NYD as we have been invited to a family members house, and he has said I can go with the girls but he isn't going as he is "sick of us making all the effort". For context, we live about half an hour away from most of my family and 5-10 mins from his. We spent Boxing Day and all day Monday with his family. I haven't seen my family at all yet, and the only plans to do so are on NYD. But now he is saying he won't go. Usually at these family days there is a buffet of things like mini spring rolls, popcorn chicken, pizza, etc (anything that can be chucked in the oven basically) and I'm now wondering if it is because of this that he doesn't want to go.

No doubt your husband is no angel. Who is? I’m sure there is much that he can be criticised for. However, you seem to be looking to point fingers as a way of reducing your responsibility for yourself and your weight.

I can very well imagine there’s a lot of tension in the house and as someone mentioned earlier, bitterness and resentment have kicked it. Marriages rarely recover when they get to the stage of bitterness and resentment.

Your weight may be a big part of how your entire household experience life. Your weight is a “thing” for your family. It’s not a great situation.

I have huge sympathy for you because it’s not easy to lose weight and I’m sure you don’t want to be in this situation. However, deflecting and projecting will not help you. You can demonise your husband as much as you like but that won’t help you. If you think he is part of your problem then leave.