DH goes silent and moody if I eat bad food

[PinkBauble]

NC for this. There is a bit of a backstory to this- I have been with DH for 16 years. When we met I was a slim size 12 (I'm 5'7). Just after we got married (together 4 years at that point), I qualified into a stressful profession and my eating habits spiralled. I began bingeing and my weight increased. Within a year I had put on 5 stone. It caused a lot of problems, and my self confidence became non-existent. DH confessed he did not find me as attractive or fancy me as much. I did ask him and put him on the spot but that was hard to hear.
For the last 11 years I have battled with my weight. I had DD1 8 years ago and when I was on maternity leave I signed up to weight watchers, joined a gym, and lost 4.5 stone. However, when I went back to work (full time) my stress levels increased, I wasn't able to go to the gym as much as I had been, and I began bingeing again. I then had a miscarriage and this really made me turn to food even more. I fell pregnant with DD2 fairly quickly after the mc, and managed to remain a fairly healthy weight. When she was born, I couldn't do what I had done on my previous maternity leave as I had DD1 too, and I really struggled with bingeing. A few times I managed to lose a few stone but I always put it back on again.
I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive.
I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, and my GP is trying to get me help, but there isn't anything in my area other than a talking telephone therapy service, which I've done several times for general anxiety and found useless. I'm on quite a high level of medication for anxiety.
I'm currently about 7 stone over my ideal weight (according to BMI guidelines), and still struggling to control bingeing.

Over the last few years, I've noticed DH getting grumpy, snappy and moody if I eat "bad" food in front of him. He will say he doesn't understand why I'm doing it if I want to lose weight, and gets very irritable and impatient if I ever try to explain my anxiety or bingeing to him. He thinks it is as simple as just "not doing it" ie bingeing. If I stick to a diet and go to the gym, whether it's slimming world, weight watchers, calorie counting or whatever else I've tried, he is totally different. Smiley, fun, and pleasant to be around.
Over Christmas there has been "bad" food in the house, and I've eaten it. Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them, and giving me the silent treatment.

I am sick of his behaviour. I get that my weight is not ideal, I know my health is at risk, and I am trying so hard to change, but I cannot cope with this and if anything, it pushes me towards bingeing as a "release". I've even threatened to leave him, but he just doesn't say anything.
Is there anyone else in a marriage like this? I desperately want to lose weight and get fit so I can start feeling healthy, but working full time, and often at night as well, as well as doing all the life admin, finances, and looking after the kids and dog etc is so hard. DH is just making me feel worse. I dread spending time with him.
Thank you if you have read this far.

I think what’s very interesting is you’ve posted your dress size a couple of times, asking posters if that makes a difference, thay you’re not as big as they are imagining, when it is exactly what they are imagining, you also then post you don’t have a fat stomach You carry weight all over. You’re one stop short of posting you “carry it well”. These aren’t normally the words of someone who “despises” their body but more someone who has fully accepted their size and doesn’t find it that bad. So a contradictory message.

In addition you must be going out of your way to buy the foods you eat, then planning and eating them in secret. I guess hiding thr wrappers. So there is an element of control there. You can control it so you don’t do it in front of others, you’ve also previously controlled it and lost weight and got healthy. Clearly you have an eating disorder, but a diagnosis of such is not a hall pass to remove personal responsibility. It’s not “well I’m Ill so it’s not my fault” every addict is personally responsible for their own recovery.

I read an article on alcoholism once, where doctors were in dispute if it was a disease. The ones who said it was not, gave the rationale that if you call it a disease many alcoholics will then think well it’s not me. I have no personal responsibility, I have a disease.

Your repeated comments on your “diagnosed” eating disorder make me wonder if some of that is going on with you. You’re now diagnosed so it’s not your responsibility any more, plus the downplaying your size, is something to examine.

I have just caught up with the posts that have been written since I went to bed last night. I slept terribly as I couldn't stop thinking of all the things that have been said on this thread. I have cried over comments, and been inspired by others.

Today I am going to do some reading, go on the OA website, contact my GP and ask to be referred to the telephone service again, look at the BEAT website and download the podcasts and books that have been recommended. I am also going to take the dog out on my own for some fresh air and alone time, then flick through some of my recipe books and pick some healthy meals to cook over the next few days.

I briefly spoke to my DH when I got up, before the DC's came downstairs, and I asked him why he ignores me and he told me quite bluntly that he knows if I have binged by MY mood, the way I hold myself, talk, interact etc. He told me that I am a different person when I'm "on plan". When I asked him what he meant by on plan he said when I was sticking to whatever eating plan I was following and getting regular exercise. He also said he is frightened I'm going to leave him alone with the girls but we didn't get to finish that conversation so I'm not exactly sure what he meant but after this thread, my guess is that he is worried I'm going to have a heart attack or something. I will speak to him again tonight when the DC's are in bed.

I have been so focused on myself that I haven't realised how badly this has been affecting him.

When I go back to work next week I am going to have to really address the work/life balance, and make getting better my top priority. If that affects how quickly I climb the professional ladder then so be it.

This thread has been an eye opener. I've needed to hear what a lot of you have to say. I feel a bit wobbly but I'm grateful.

Hi Pink baubles
I truly understand and empathise. You are and have been carrying a lot of burdens.and your husband should be supporting and encouraging you rather than pulling at your self esteem. You are the mother of his children; see yourself as an earth momma; and find the joy in life in the precious things of life. Focus on the dog. Give your love to him in front of your husband. Use the dog as therapy and to get messages across to your husband. Whilst cuddling the dog - say with your husband listening - you love and value me for who l am and husband here does not know what he is missing out on.
It is like a game and you have to box clever. Love your children more than your husband and he might get jealous. In your mind detach mentally from him and he will hold less power over you. Men don't understand women to our detriment. Box clever with him for your sake. Eat healthy mainly but if you want to have yummy things do so with a clear conscience. Hope there is something in this that is useful to you. I speak from experience of people not understanding me.
Take care my friend.

@Bluntness100

I think what’s very interesting is you’ve posted your dress size a couple of times, asking posters if that makes a difference, thay you’re not as big as they are imagining, when it is exactly what they are imagining, you also then post you don’t have a fat stomach You carry weight all over. You’re one stop short of posting you “carry it well”. These aren’t normally the words of someone who “despises” their body but more someone who has fully accepted their size and doesn’t find it that bad. So a contradictory message.

In addition you must be going out of your way to buy the foods you eat, then planning and eating them in secret. I guess hiding thr wrappers. So there is an element of control there. You can control it so you don’t do it in front of others, you’ve also previously controlled it and lost weight and got healthy. Clearly you have an eating disorder, but a diagnosis of such is not a hall pass to remove personal responsibility. It’s not “well I’m Ill so it’s not my fault” every addict is personally responsible for their own recovery.

I read an article on alcoholism once, where doctors were in dispute if it was a disease. The ones who said it was not, gave the rationale that if you call it a disease many alcoholics will then think well it’s not me. I have no personal responsibility, I have a disease.

Your repeated comments on your “diagnosed” eating disorder make me wonder if some of that is going on with you. You’re now diagnosed so it’s not your responsibility any more, plus the downplaying your size, is something to examine.

You are probably right. I used to feel repulsed when I had to buy a size 18. I couldnt believe I had gotten so big. Now I am relieved when I still fit into an 18. I do however hate what I see in the mirror, and feel disgusting when everything wobbles when I walk. I hate the way I have to wedge myself into the dining chairs at my mil's. I hate the way I am always twice as wide as everyone else in a photo. I hate that I have to ask people to "move in" when I need to get by as I know I won't fit through the gap. I hate that I can't go horse riding because I'm too heavy for the horse. I hate that my DC know "mummy doesn't go swimming". I hate that my once quite striking eyes are hooded with heavy eyelids and my face looks "blown up".

I wonder what job you do and what stress busters you can build in. I have a stressful job and very often when I’m about to tackle something particularly difficult, often a phone call or a report, or some research or a meeting, I look for something to procrastinate and that may well be a biscuit, a piece of toast and could spiral. When I was in the office I would walk for five minutes, outside if I could, around the corridors if I couldn’t. That 5 minutes would distract me from the biscuit tin and also clear my head to focus on the task ahead.

Do you recognise your trigger points for eating when stressed at work @PinkBauble ?

Pink Baubles
From your post above this morning l can clearly see that you are beginning to take control and you are being proactive which is key to all this.
Love that dog. Give him your affection. Pretend he is dh. It is called transference and it works as a psychological tool. Husband need not know. Fight it in the mind and you will win.

@Youlittlerascal

Hi Pink baubles I truly understand and empathise. You are and have been carrying a lot of burdens.and your husband should be supporting and encouraging you rather than pulling at your self esteem. You are the mother of his children; see yourself as an earth momma; and find the joy in life in the precious things of life. Focus on the dog. Give your love to him in front of your husband. Use the dog as therapy and to get messages across to your husband. Whilst cuddling the dog - say with your husband listening - you love and value me for who l am and husband here does not know what he is missing out on. It is like a game and you have to box clever. Love your children more than your husband and he might get jealous. In your mind detach mentally from him and he will hold less power over you. Men don't understand women to our detriment. Box clever with him for your sake. Eat healthy mainly but if you want to have yummy things do so with a clear conscience. Hope there is something in this that is useful to you. I speak from experience of people not understanding me. Take care my friend.

That is all truly bonkers, especially this It is like a game and you have to box clever. Love your children more than your husband and he might get jealous.

Just to briefly say OP I am going to an OA meeting next week due to this thread so thanks to the posters who suggested it

OP I wish you luck too on your journey, make sure you do focus on yourself not your DH as this is about you.

That is all truly bonkers, especially this It is like a game and you have to box clever. Love your children more than your husband and he might get jealous

And use the dog too! The husbands not going to get jealous, he will just think she’s also weird, or trying to be manipulative and failing badly.

If my husband started doing that, I’d think he had something wrong with him.

@Bluntness100

That is all truly bonkers, especially this It is like a game and you have to box clever. Love your children more than your husband and he might get jealous

And use the dog too! The husbands not going to get jealous, he will just think she’s also weird, or trying to be manipulative and failing badly.

If my husband started doing that, I’d think he had something wrong with him.

This ^^

What a weird thing to say about the dog! Would think you've lost your marbles completely.

One of the weirdest bits of advice I've seen here, and one of the most passive aggressive stupid things anyone could possibly do

Well done OP - keep going. Print this thread off or save it somewhere as a reminder maybe?

Good luck @Mermaidwaves and well done on starting!

Your dh needs to stop taking his anger & frustration with you out on your daughters (and the poor dog).

That is abusive.

If he can't, seriously, maybe you should separate for a while. I feel like his abuse of them has been mostly ignored in this thread.

(And when I say "can't", I obviously mean, won't).

@Allsortsofroses

Your dh needs to stop taking his anger & frustration with you out on your daughters (and the poor dog).

That is abusive.

If he can't, seriously, maybe you should separate for a while. I feel like his abuse of them has been mostly ignored in this thread.

Do we really know what the exact behaviours are? It could be shouting and verbal abuse, or it could be simply a grumpy mood/mumbling that OP is blowing out of proportion.

I wouldn't be so quick to call it abusive.

@Bluntness100

I think what’s very interesting is you’ve posted your dress size a couple of times, asking posters if that makes a difference, thay you’re not as big as they are imagining, when it is exactly what they are imagining, you also then post you don’t have a fat stomach You carry weight all over. You’re one stop short of posting you “carry it well”. These aren’t normally the words of someone who “despises” their body but more someone who has fully accepted their size and doesn’t find it that bad. So a contradictory message.

In addition you must be going out of your way to buy the foods you eat, then planning and eating them in secret. I guess hiding thr wrappers. So there is an element of control there. You can control it so you don’t do it in front of others, you’ve also previously controlled it and lost weight and got healthy. Clearly you have an eating disorder, but a diagnosis of such is not a hall pass to remove personal responsibility. It’s not “well I’m Ill so it’s not my fault” every addict is personally responsible for their own recovery.

I read an article on alcoholism once, where doctors were in dispute if it was a disease. The ones who said it was not, gave the rationale that if you call it a disease many alcoholics will then think well it’s not me. I have no personal responsibility, I have a disease.

Your repeated comments on your “diagnosed” eating disorder make me wonder if some of that is going on with you. You’re now diagnosed so it’s not your responsibility any more, plus the downplaying your size, is something to examine.

@Bluntness100

I often enjoy your posts, even when tough.

But honestly, you don’t understand addiction or EDs, so while I understand you are probably trying - you really aren’t being helpful to the OP here.

The OP absolutely needs to take control, but she needs practical tools given by those who understand the topic. She’s got some good links and references to get started. Please can you leave it.

I agree to prioritise therapy. Consider looking into Internal Language Enhancement:

www.pesi.co.uk/blog/2019/february/a-new-approach-to-eating-disorders

It's helped me, and is the only approach I've come across that looks to unpick and resolve the compulsive side of an ED.

OP you've had loads of good advice here already. Something I wanted to add though is - please don't take away from this thread that you are in the wrong, therefore he is in the right.

You can be an addict, and he can simultaneously be a bit of a shit. Both of these things can be true.

Because the below doesn't sound great:
He could definitely share the burden more. I do ALL life admin (insurances, car mots, vet appointments etc), organise everything the school including keeping on top of all emails from them, making sure they get homework done, booking after school clubs, I do the meal planning, I am responsible for paying all bills (we co tribute equally but I sort it out). If I ever challenge him about this he says I'm better at it than him. Which is rubbish- I'm just more organised because I have to be. In fairness to him he does share the housework which is a big help.

The focus on this thread has rightly been your addiction. And that should rightly be your focus now. But please don't let that mean you put up with bad behaviour from him, because you feel you deserve it for being so awful to live with. Taking it out on the kids & dog is not OK. Strategic incompetence with household tasks is not OK.

I do agree with PP that you need to prioritise counselling for yourself, as it sounds like there are numerous factors that have lead you here, that will take a lot of working through.

Good luck.

@Allsortsofroses

Your dh needs to stop taking his anger & frustration with you out on your daughters (and the poor dog).

That is abusive.

If he can't, seriously, maybe you should separate for a while. I feel like his abuse of them has been mostly ignored in this thread.

Don't think it's abusive to be upset that your partner could die of a heart attack or create more health problems for themselves.

@RoseRedRoseBlue

To be fair, I can see both sides of the story here, but whatever happens, you need to intervene if he starts taking it out on the kids or the dog. That’s not OK.

But also.... you say you are working full time,looking after the kids and all the admin. Is there any way he could take on more/afford a cleaner to give you time to go the gym or just concentrate on yourself more? I hope you can sort this out, really feel for you OP. Hugs.

Hi there,
I just wanted to say that you’ve taken the first step and accepted you have an issue.
I also have suffered from an eating disorder for the last 6 years. It’s mainly bulimia but there’s other less well known ones such as orthorexia. So I’ve seen some responses on here that are super helpful and that are not so helpful.
Firstly with regards to your DH… he proabably doesn’t really know what to do. However he isn’t helping the situation and he really needs to support you in this rather than help by being mean. He really needs to stop the food issues around the kids too as they could end up with an eating disorder too.
Secondly this is the hardest thing to get your head around… you need to stop trying to lose weight (for now) and stop restricting food. It’s a vicious circle… you go on a diet, your metabolism slows down, you then binge eat because your mind and body is starving. You need to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with a snack in between. Do not restrict fat, carbs or protein.
Something that has really helped me is watching ‘follow the intuition’ on Youtube. She has some amazing videos with examples and studies. They’ve really helped me. I also watch Abbey Sharp for ideas on meals that are nutritious and filling.
Personally I don’t believe in Binge Eating as a way to cope with emotions… I’ve discovered that I was doing it because I just was not eating enough throughout the day and I also had a really bad relationship with food (orthorexia) this is a real thing and can be one of the main culprits. At one point I wouldn’t even take medicine if it had a tiny bit of sugar in it. I still struggle with it but it’s getting better. I haven’t binged in 2 months which is brilliant because I used to do only everyday. I am slowly losing weight but I don’t care about that really… I’m more happy I’m not binging and I am getting better at relaxing around food.
So stop restricting, forget about weight for now and make sure you make peace with food and your body. Do it for yourself and no one else. You haven’t got a food addiction- you just have a food relationship. One you start feeding your body and understanding what makes you feel good then you probably won’t turn to the chocolate or cake as much… you might go for the apple slices dipped in peanut butter instead! Mmmm

He could definitely share the burden more.

I was going to ask about the housework split, and I can see others have already asked. It's clear you can control your eating when you have time and space to focus on it. Your DH is desperate for you to change, so surely he'll take on more of the household load in order to create that space for you?

I'm not suggesting he take on it all, but perhaps he could take on the meal planning, paying all the bills and sorting all the insurances? Instead of general 'do more admin', it's very specific additional pieces.

It's a very practical solution that he can help you with. That might appeal to him.

Have you thought about a gastric band? I'd be concerned if my dh was 7 stone over weight that can be healthy especially as we get older which diabetes heart problems. My dm has always been over weight and has suffered health problems because of this although she wouldn't admit her weight is a contributing factor in this.

@wotchalike
Thankyou!

*Do we really know what the exact behaviours are? It could be shouting and verbal abuse, or it could be simply a grumpy mood/mumbling that OP is blowing out of proportion.

I wouldn't be so quick to call it abusive.*

Op has said he is taking hos moods out on her daughters and their dog.

She says the dog's default is to be apprehensive of his mood and to go to her. The dog is evidently wary of him.

Op has not expanded on how he takes his moods out on their daughters, but it doesn't sound good at all.

Their children shouldn't have to deal with moods from him due to his frustration with theirs mothers behaviour.
That's not a negotiable, that's not grey.

"Simply a grumpy mood" is not acceptable, it's stressful, unpleasant etc for the recipient and is fundamentally unfair.

It's unacceptable behaviour.