DH goes silent and moody if I eat bad food

[PinkBauble]

NC for this. There is a bit of a backstory to this- I have been with DH for 16 years. When we met I was a slim size 12 (I'm 5'7). Just after we got married (together 4 years at that point), I qualified into a stressful profession and my eating habits spiralled. I began bingeing and my weight increased. Within a year I had put on 5 stone. It caused a lot of problems, and my self confidence became non-existent. DH confessed he did not find me as attractive or fancy me as much. I did ask him and put him on the spot but that was hard to hear.
For the last 11 years I have battled with my weight. I had DD1 8 years ago and when I was on maternity leave I signed up to weight watchers, joined a gym, and lost 4.5 stone. However, when I went back to work (full time) my stress levels increased, I wasn't able to go to the gym as much as I had been, and I began bingeing again. I then had a miscarriage and this really made me turn to food even more. I fell pregnant with DD2 fairly quickly after the mc, and managed to remain a fairly healthy weight. When she was born, I couldn't do what I had done on my previous maternity leave as I had DD1 too, and I really struggled with bingeing. A few times I managed to lose a few stone but I always put it back on again.
I have cried on DH's shoulder about my weight lots of times, and refused to go to parties or events as I was so self conscious, and initially he was supportive.
I have been diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, and my GP is trying to get me help, but there isn't anything in my area other than a talking telephone therapy service, which I've done several times for general anxiety and found useless. I'm on quite a high level of medication for anxiety.
I'm currently about 7 stone over my ideal weight (according to BMI guidelines), and still struggling to control bingeing.

Over the last few years, I've noticed DH getting grumpy, snappy and moody if I eat "bad" food in front of him. He will say he doesn't understand why I'm doing it if I want to lose weight, and gets very irritable and impatient if I ever try to explain my anxiety or bingeing to him. He thinks it is as simple as just "not doing it" ie bingeing. If I stick to a diet and go to the gym, whether it's slimming world, weight watchers, calorie counting or whatever else I've tried, he is totally different. Smiley, fun, and pleasant to be around.
Over Christmas there has been "bad" food in the house, and I've eaten it. Every time my DH has become noticeably huffy and snappy, and rather than saying anything to me, he has taken it out on the kids or the dog, snapping at them or being too hard on them, and giving me the silent treatment.

I am sick of his behaviour. I get that my weight is not ideal, I know my health is at risk, and I am trying so hard to change, but I cannot cope with this and if anything, it pushes me towards bingeing as a "release". I've even threatened to leave him, but he just doesn't say anything.
Is there anyone else in a marriage like this? I desperately want to lose weight and get fit so I can start feeling healthy, but working full time, and often at night as well, as well as doing all the life admin, finances, and looking after the kids and dog etc is so hard. DH is just making me feel worse. I dread spending time with him.
Thank you if you have read this far.

As someone who has battled eating disorders in various forms for over 25 years, I feel your pain.

BED is dreadful and soul destroying. But. You are an active addict in the grip of an addiction. You CANNOT fix this by dieting. You must realise this. You’ve tried and tried again and it doesn’t work. All your efforts to diet feed the binge/starve cycle ultimately making things worse.

Please, please look at Overeaters Anonymous (OA). It doesn’t matter if there is not a face to face meeting near you - there are online options. OA uses the same 12 steps as AA - they recognise binge eating as an addiction and deal with it accordingly.

I’m sorry your self esteem is low. Most addicts have chronically low self esteem though. It’s part of why they do what they do. And years of trying to stop an addictive behaviour only to fail again and again would put most peoples self esteem through the floor.

Seriously, try OA. It’s free and life changing.

Overwaters Anonymous follows the same process as Alcoholics Anonymous.

But going the other way and making me feel worse is just causing things to escalate, it's affecting our marriage and our children

You’re blaming him for your addiction. That’s not fair. It’s your addiction that’s affecting your marriage and children, not his behaviour. I get that everyone has to eat so in a way it’s a different type of addiction to alcohol, in that we don’t actually need to drink alcohol to survive. But you can make decisions on what you choose to eat. You e talked about Christmas cake and quality street - the sorts of food that you don’t need, and are actually harmful to you. Why have you got these foods in the house? You’re putting temptation in your own way - self sabotaging. Of course he’d be pissed off at the sight of you eating them! If it were alcohol and you were an alcoholic would you expect I him to sit there playing happy families whilst you had a couple of cheeky vodkas? Of course not.
If someone is addicted to heroin, or alcohol, or prescription pain killers, we wouldn’t tolerate them being in the house anywhere near the addict and would be quite within our rights to be angry if they used the addictive things in our presence. Food addiction is exactly the same. Calling it a disorder is wrapping it up in fancy labels. It’s still an addiction and you need help with this. Weight watchers or other weight loss clubs aren’t going to help you control your addiction. You need CBT therapy or some other type of addiction therapy. Speak to your GP. Tell them you’re addicted and need help to overcome the addiction. Ask for a referral to an eating disorder clinic.
Stop expecting your dh to ignore your addiction!

Ah i didn’t see the much more comprehensive post above me when I posted. I have knowledge of AA but not OA. But I really recommend you connect with OA where you will find your community and be able to face your condition head on.

Another vote for Overeaters Anonymous oa.org/. I'm a compulsive overeater and binge eater. Like you I was a normal shape for most of my life then ended up in an abusive relationship and put on 8.75 stone. I just couldn't lose it and I was desperate. I couldn't put on my socks without a struggle, I had back pain, high blood pressure and needed a stick to walk. A slim friend told me about OA. It's amazing. It treats compulsive eating as a disease and there is a way to recover. It also deals with all aspects of the disease - emotional and spiritual as well as physical. I'm sorry about your husband. It sounds absolutely grim. I can't help with that but happy for you to PM me about OA. There's loads of meetings on Zoom all round the world so if you're up early or late or nervous about your first meeting you can go anywhere. Sending love and fellow feeling ❤️ (P.S. yes it does work!)

Hi OP.

I also had a diagnosis of BED a couple of years ago and I wonder if you are able to go private to get help? It's just I notice some of the things you talk about (going on diets, trying to lose weight, wanting to be at an ideal weigkt) are all.things that actually exacerbate BED. The treatment for this disorder looks at finding healthier coping mechanisms at the cause rather than trying to treatment the effects such as losing weight. They promote intuitive eating rather than diets, all diets come with restriction and "good or bad food", these things promote binging and then the cycle of feeling bad after a binge and falling off the wagon. There should be no good or bad foods, just foods eaten in moderation with a healthy lifestyle.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is the help is really out there and if you can, it might be worth considering going private. Wishing you all the luck

And to add, absolutely OA is free. The programme is run on voluntary donations and every meeting would far rather have you there than your money. Give what you can afford and if you can't afford it just come anyway.

Brieandcamembert you sound ill informed about eating problems.

Private treatment is unfortunately very costly. Would see what’s available on the NHS where you are and try that.

I think some folks are maybe missing the point, it’s not about quality street or cake at Christmas, she’s already said it’s much bigger than that. She is purposely buying stuff to binge on, no one has multiple family sizes bars of chocolate in.

And him doing the shopping of a weekend isn’t going to suddenly make her slim either, the issue is also bigger than that,

Op, the line you’re giving of it’s not like alcoholism or drug addiction because you need to eat to live is wrong. You need to drink to live as well, but you don’t need to drink alcohol, jist like you don’t need to eat chocolate to live. Lots of people need to take medication, doesn’t mean they shoot heroin.

Also cheap / free self help, eg Christopher Fairburn, Brain Over Binge, podcasts.

I have a longstanding binge eating problem am a normal weight but it nonetheless affects my health (eg dental, reflux), life and my family.

My point is that they don't have to have some form of alcohol or drug like cocaine everyday to stay alive. I completely understand that it is still an addiction, but it's not the same.

I know this is veering off topic but this view is very ignorant. Physically many addicts do need the drug they are addicted to, especially heroine and the like, their bodies do physically need it hence why it's bloody dangerous to just stop and they'll have a taper plan. Once clean it's not as simple as out of sight out of mind, ah I can't see stacks of crack in the supermarket so I'm not tempted, it's a battle that many fail. In reality some research has shown that actually its better for an addict to have a 'maintenance' amount to keep them going but able to live a relatively normal life- same as with food, yes you need it but you don't need it in excess. Someone grappling with food addiction isn't having a harder time of it than someone battling any other addiction, its not a competition but these minimising comments and views just also build you up for failure. Stop falling back on it being an ED as some sort of excuse- just like with any other eating disorder its usually not actually about food at all but deep rooted in something else that needs addressing. Prioritise getting further therapy.

@MrOctopus

What exactly do you expect him to do?

That!

I sympathise with you OP but just as much as you want him to think about you and your feelings, put yourself in his shoes.

You are wrapped up in feeling sorry for yourself and you seem to think you are almost helpless in your efforts to live a healthier life. Your self pity is not helping you and if the underlying issue is your inability to cope with stress, find help in tackling that rather than gaining comfort in a diagnosis of binge eating disorder.

@Tableto

My point is that they don't have to have some form of alcohol or drug like cocaine everyday to stay alive. I completely understand that it is still an addiction, but it's not the same.

I know this is veering off topic but this view is very ignorant. Physically many addicts do need the drug they are addicted to, especially heroine and the like, their bodies do physically need it hence why it's bloody dangerous to just stop and they'll have a taper plan. Once clean it's not as simple as out of sight out of mind, ah I can't see stacks of crack in the supermarket so I'm not tempted, it's a battle that many fail. In reality some research has shown that actually its better for an addict to have a 'maintenance' amount to keep them going but able to live a relatively normal life- same as with food, yes you need it but you don't need it in excess. Someone grappling with food addiction isn't having a harder time of it than someone battling any other addiction, its not a competition but these minimising comments and views just also build you up for failure. Stop falling back on it being an ED as some sort of excuse- just like with any other eating disorder its usually not actually about food at all but deep rooted in something else that needs addressing. Prioritise getting further therapy.

Whoa. You need to reread what was written. No one, and certainly not me, said addicts don’t need the drug they are addicted to. We all know they all, it’s the definition of addiction. It’s very ignorant to not read things properly.

You cannot expect your husband to enable you.
With the greatest respect it must be incredibly difficult for him as well, imagine if the shoe were on the other foot.
Most people say they are wanting to change, but the reality is they are looking for temporary relief, rather than a permanent cure.
l lived with an addict and it very nearly broke me, trying to fix him, but of course he wasn' t able to see it from my perpsective, it was always only all about him.

@Bluntness100 you are correct you didn't say that, I never said you did. My bold at the top is what the OP has posted, and with that mindset of course it's going to be harder, and yes it's ignorant. I don't remember saying everyone on this thread had said the same, did I?

This thread has reminded me of the one before Christmas by the young poster who was upset that she had been asked by her boyfriends mum not to go "for Christmas" on Monday 20th but to wait until 23rd as her mum was working and found guests stressful. Anyway, turns out the OP had mental health issues and her (mid 20s) boyfriend also had mental health issues that meant he couldn't work. So many posters were echoing the same thing - it was a terrible idea to have 2 people in a relationship with serious mental health issues.

The OP needs a DH who is emotionally perfect because she has such complex needs. Its really unfair that she can't be expected to deal with stress or the upset from the way she looks, but her DH has to react to the years of stress caused by her eating disorder calmly and reasonably at all times.

Sulking isn't a perfect response to the stress of living with someone for over a decade with an addiction. But nowhere near as bad as expecting someone else to live with an addiction.

@Luredbyapomegranate

What a lot of people are failing to understand on this thread is that some people have addictive behaviour around eating. It’s terribly hard OP I know. I struggle with this myself so here are a few thoughts - I’d suggest you give yourself a month to do some reading and preparing before you embark on another programme, and during that time try to eat to take care of yourself, but without worrying about actual weight loss -

• The key thing I notice from your posts is you talk a lot about having tried diet after diet, but diets aren’t going to address your addictive relationship with food.
• Do some reading around this -

3 books to start - Intuitive eating by Resch and Tribole. Breaking free from emotional eating by Genene Roth. The Last Diet by Shahroo Izadi (it’s not a diet)).

• Once you’ve done some reading around this, you can decide what approach you want to take, it might be an intuitive eating approach, or it might be a moderate diet taking a kind approach to yourself
• the most important thing is to be kind to yourself and treat yourself as you would a friend - with love and care. Until you do this, nothing is going to shift
• contact BEAT which offers online support groups for over eaters
• think of this as an experiment to find a lifelong approach to eating. Expect to screw up, it’s part of the process. You know you best, focus on finding what’s right for you, and expect it to keep evolving. Try not to fall in love with other people’s approaches - no one knows you better than you. No one size fits all.
• you will need to gradually build in self care - a bit of exercise, a bit of mindfulness, in a way that suits you - Ranjan chatterjee’s 4 pillar plan is a great guide to this. (Actually his lose weight feel great is a really good general guide to healthy eating - but you will need help from other authors who specialise more in emotional eating, so I wouldn’t bother with that for now)
• if you use social media start following some people in the body positivity movement - it can be a fraught space, and I don’t personally buy into health at any size, but it’s good to start following some people who don’t apologise for their size and try live healthily within their size
• Body positive yoga (there are a few online classes) might be a good thing to explore for stress and self acceptance
• If you can possibly find a way to afford some 121 therapy do - but make sure it’s someone who specialises in emotions and food. If you can’t find an online group (eg through Shahroo Izadi’s Facebook group or beat) and find your online tribe, so you can talk about your experiences and research as you find a programme that works for you
• right now, start by introducing one positive habit - I’d suggest getting outside everyday to walk - pick an amount of time between 10 and 45 minutes that is easy to achieve and increase it by 5 mins every couple weeks till you hit 45 mins a day

Re your husband. It’s hard to live with someone with frustrating behaviour patterns, but the cold shouldering and taking it out on the kids etc is not on.

It sounds like you are perhaps reconsidering your relationship with him anyway. For the moment I would suggest getting on with your plans and not discussing them with him, as it is likely to be destructive to do so.

Whatever you do, make a commitment to tackle your emotional relationship with food. A diet alone is not going to do it.

Hi OP

I was a bit distracted by kids writing this, so a couple other things

• Get some outside support (via a specialist online forum as above if not 121) as soon as you can, it plus reading and research will begin to make you feel empowered - the road is hard and needs to be taken seriously
• Focus on finding your own path (I can see a few people recommending OA - it’s good to explore for tips, but it may or may not be the right overall path for you. There is no programme that’s right for everyone.)
• If you choose to use a weight loss programme (rather than intuitive eating) then make sure you find one that you can follow (90pc of the time anyway) for life - you aren’t ‘on a diet’ you are finding a way of eating that will support you for the rest of your life. Too good questions to ask yourself are - can I see myself following this in 5 years time, and would I want my 15 year old daughter to follow this? - if the answer to either is no, then it isn’t sustainable enough or kind enough for you.

Good luck with it all, and feel free to PM if you’d like to chat

Oh and OP - what shines out from your posts is the denial of the wider effect on your eating disorder. You appear to be convinced that because its just food you are addicted too, that its a cheap addiction, legally obtained and your faculties aren't impaired by it, that noone else is effected.

No, its not just your body effected. You are making your dh live with a low to high level stress at all times. You say you get upset and refuse to do things because of your size, which means he has to police what you are invited to and factor in your responses to anything he suggests.

He knows stress triggers your addiction so has to constantly avoid causing you more stress. Has to think about what he is eating in front of you, what the girls can have. It will be a constant worry for him. Sulking and giving the silent treatment is not great, but you aren't acknowledging what you are putting on him all the time. Christmas with all the food triggers and family stress must be such a worry for him.

[quote Tableto]@Bluntness100 you are correct you didn't say that, I never said you did. My bold at the top is what the OP has posted, and with that mindset of course it's going to be harder, and yes it's ignorant. I don't remember saying everyone on this thread had said the same, did I?[/quote]
Sorry I misread, it was my ignorance this time 😊

Your statement that you have to eat to live therefore overeating is worse than smoking / drug / alcohol addiction is not true. I think your reasoning, excuses and expectations are the same as someone who is dependant on smoking cannabis or drinking alcohol.

I don't agree with the statement if he truly loves you he will accept your weight, however if he truly loves you he will be concerned that you are on self destruct.

You have said it has stopped you attending parties, social events etc so it is affecting your life and your relationship, and your DH's and DC's life just as any other addiction. You will have less energy, you are being secretive, you are not taking care of yourself and it affects your self esteem and mood. It will also be detrimental to your physical health, as are other addictions.

I'm not comparing over eating to being a heroin or crack addict but switch the food to say, smoking cannabis every evening, the person says it relaxes them and helps them manage their stressful job. They are not getting stoned, but it does make them a bit lethargic, same could be said for a few beers or wine. But over time the smoker / drinker is too tired to have sex, too tired to go out, their appearance may suffer and it affects the relationship.

So it comes to a head they discuss it, agree that it has become a problem, agree that they would like to address it and offer each other support. Just the same as you and your overeating.

And so every time the person reaches for a cigarette / a joint / a beer / a cake it triggers something in the partner. You have given up, are not trying or don't care enough about yourself, or them, and that can affect the partners self esteem and their mood. Resentment kills relationships.

Just like any other dependency nothing can change until you take responsibility for yourself.

Have you considered speaking to a GP for a referral to an eating disorder service? In the meantime would you consider medication?
Fluoxetine may help you slightly detach and therefore help break some of the behaviour cycles

If you love someone it doesn't mean you have to accept them being 7 stone overweight. As much as it sounds like you're going through hell with it, I feel sorry for him. I ended up leaving my partner over his addiction. Certain posters would probably call me abusive for being moody when he indulged but that's bs.

I’m sorry OP but the only person who can change this is you. No amount of support from your loved ones is going to change your behaviour, you have to want to change and look for help outside the family or reasons why changing would improve your own life. It's the same for every addict.

@timeisnotaline

Starting point: 10 mental load things you hand over to him completely each Friday then on the weekend you can think positively and plan your eating the following week. And if he doesn’t do them then he had better not dare be moody at you - you have an eating disorder, what’s his health condition preventing him from shopping for the food and making lunches for his dc during the week? Lazyitis? Sabotagethewifeitis?

I don't quite understand that time, the op gives her dh 10 tasks to do and if he doesn't complete them he's not 'allowed' to have a negative response to her behaviours? Even if they impact him?

@PinkBauble

It is far bigger, the Christmas cake etc are examples from the passed few days. I binge on chocolate. Big family bars. Lots of them. I do want to lose weight though, and for myself too. But I am stuck in this horrendous cycle of bingeing, saying never again, losing a few pounds but then being over one by the urge to binge. I don't know how to beat it/control it.

As all addictions, it's deeply rooted in some kind of emotional issue. You are eating to avoid feeling some uncomfortable feelings or to avoid processing some stuff. You won't beat the eating disorder until you've figured out what is at the bottom of this.

I know you said you can't afford therapy, but can you afford to see your marriage failing? Resentment and contempt are already eating away at your relationship, from both sides.

If you care about your marriage you need to make a real effort with therapy first.