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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP always skint

147 replies

daffodilsunlocked · 28/12/2021 20:24

DP does not work, is on PIP (sickness benefit) as he is afraid to get back into work & possibly earn less (which completely pisses me off as he is extremely intelligent but just cannot take management unfortunately) Sad

We've been on-off-on-off for 3 years now and during this time I have been guilt-tripped into 'helping' him financially ... I work FT and have 3 DCs.

He now does not get paid (benefits) until next Wed (a week tomorrow) Sad and therefore has said he is unable to go out/take me out before New Year HmmSad

I have a good week and a half off of work too, and would have really loved to have been taken out...

Spoke to him on phone before and he just banged on about being skint and having nothing for over another week, which in turn made me feel guilty Hmm

I really don't know whether I'm being selfish in not offering him any money, but I've not long bought a new car and am paying my finance, spent-up on pressies for my 3 x DC and other bills to pay before I get paid again Jan Sad

OP posts:
Whatonearth07957 · 28/12/2021 20:29

You can enjoy expense free outing. Don't sub him X

Kljnmw3459 · 28/12/2021 20:33

Don't feel guilty, your priority should be you and your DC. Don't feel like you need to give him any money. Even if he can't work there's still stuff he could do online for beer money if he wanted to.

Whatifitallgoesright · 28/12/2021 20:39

Not too proud to borrow money off a single mother with three children though is he.

Toomanybiccys123 · 28/12/2021 20:39

Hello. You sound like me. My boyfriends on universal credits awaiting a scan to go back to work. He's living off me. Every day he's needing between 10 and 30 quid. Plus I'm buying his food. I feel like I'm being used at times. He didn't even get me a box of chocs for Christmas but did ask me to borrow £20 the other day because his mate had some Hugo boss perfume for sale and it'd apparently for me..I wanted to ask if he intended on giving me the £20 next month on top of the £550 he owes me.

Its difficult. I'm torn tonight due to him falling asleep on medication and I can't go round. Feel like its over.

Coriandersucks · 28/12/2021 20:40

Take yourself out. Leave him at home 🤷🏻‍♀️

Riverlee · 28/12/2021 20:41

Don’t feel guilty. You are not responsible for his financial well-being.

Why is he afraid to work? Has he got any plans to improve his situation?

Where do you see this going long term?

Bonbon21 · 28/12/2021 20:41

And what do you get out of this relationship?

Riverlee · 28/12/2021 20:41

@Coriandersucks

Take yourself out. Leave him at home 🤷🏻‍♀️
I agree!
Elieza · 28/12/2021 20:42

LTB.

Longdistance · 28/12/2021 20:43

I’d be permanently off with him. He’s taking you for a ride. Taking money off a hard working single mum. He has no shame.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 20:43

PIP isn't linked to income - people can get the same amount whether they earn £0 or £100,000 as it's based on needs, not income linked. Getting a job wouldn't see him lose any of his PIP, he would just rather not work than work. I mean... that's not real life.

Not too proud to borrow money off a single mother with three children though is he.

This. To be honest, based on the fact that this is a 3 ish year on and off relationship and you already have three children and work full time... what the fuck are you thinking subsidising a man who doesn't work?!

You've got kids. Subbing a lazy bloke who doesn't like authority so refuses to be managed is madness. And a poor example of relationships to be showing your kids.

It's making you feel stressed, unappreciated and taken advantage of. This is not a relationship you should even consider staying in. Nowhere near.

theworldhasgoneinsane · 28/12/2021 20:43

Concentrate on your children. Any money you 'sub' him is less you have for them and yourself. What does he actually do for you in return or is this a one way relationship?

GrazingSheep · 28/12/2021 20:43

He’s leeching off your children.

Gloriagayn · 28/12/2021 20:44

@daffodilsunlocked and @Toomanybiccys123

Get rid. Pair of wasters

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 28/12/2021 20:45

@Toomanybiccys123 I'm so sorry to hear this, and please know you are not alone Daffodil

I know a lot of people would call me selfish for wanting a guy who is financially stable - I have a history of my kids' dad (who is no longer with us) of being a high-earner initially, but then we lost everything - house, cars, etc. Sad

So I'm not selfish & I also understand that anybody can lose everything in a heart beat, but can I really do this again? Sad

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 28/12/2021 20:46

Pip is personal independence payment. It is a non means tested benefit given to people with disabilities. It wouldn't matter how much he earned. You get pip if you are eligible regardless of income.

Are you sure it is pip? Pip is not a sickness benefit or an unemployment benefit. You apply, give evidence of your conditions and how they affect you and have regular reviews

Are you sure he's telling you the truth?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 20:47

Literally nobody would call you selfish for wanting to be with someone financially stable. It's part of being an adult - earning enough to cover your costs so that other people don't lose out. In this case, you and your kids. He's perfectly able to work, he just doesn't want to. Your bar should be higher than that. A lot higher.

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 28/12/2021 20:47

@Coriandersucks

Take yourself out. Leave him at home 🤷🏻‍♀️
Thing is, I actually would, as I'm independent like that and actually enjoy my own company, but I'd then get the silent treatment or moody arse comments from him Hmm
OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 28/12/2021 20:48

Posted too soon. He isn't entitled to your money, regardless his situation. You have children to take care of. They come first. Always.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 28/12/2021 20:49

@youvegottenminuteslynn

PIP isn't linked to income - people can get the same amount whether they earn £0 or £100,000 as it's based on needs, not income linked. Getting a job wouldn't see him lose any of his PIP, he would just rather not work than work. I mean... that's not real life.

Not too proud to borrow money off a single mother with three children though is he.

This. To be honest, based on the fact that this is a 3 ish year on and off relationship and you already have three children and work full time... what the fuck are you thinking subsidising a man who doesn't work?!

You've got kids. Subbing a lazy bloke who doesn't like authority so refuses to be managed is madness. And a poor example of relationships to be showing your kids.

It's making you feel stressed, unappreciated and taken advantage of. This is not a relationship you should even consider staying in. Nowhere near.

This.

“Can’t take management”

Means he’s a know all dickhead who can’t stand being told he’s wrong.

Fuck this Op.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 20:51

Also, I didn't like being managed. You know what I did? Worked my arse off in my industry for long enough that I built up great contacts and experience then worked my arse off even more setting up my own company so I could work for myself.

That's the sort of thing responsible people do if they really don't want to be managed, rather than just not wanting to work like your boyfriend.

MMmomDD · 28/12/2021 20:53

Wanting someone financially stable - and paying his way - isn’t selfish.
You have three kids. You need to spend your money on them and on you.

He needs to grow up and start supporting himself. Before he gets into a relationship.

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 28/12/2021 20:53

Sorry, I didn't say, he is not just on PIP, but ESA - initially for depression ... he worked for the DWP for over 20 years but was forced to take garden leave about 6 years ago.

He is afraid to go back to work in case it "doesn't turn out" and he is then forced to go back on minor benefits ... but this is something that has bugged me since we met... he has made me feel shallow for feeling this way, am I?? SadHmm

OP posts:
Toomanybiccys123 · 28/12/2021 20:54

I have 2 kids too and sometimes think he's no good for us long term.. we've hadca very bumpy relationship due to his pain and money issues. He's ruining us. We can't even enjoy free stuff because he's hurting to much to walk 3 miles to a nice wood for example..all we've done since September is sit about at his.

Today I've been sat here with it all swirling in my head. I want to share a life with someone who puts fun and happiness into my life. Right now it's just disappointing and I feel I am waiting for him to start earning again so we can make a life. But I get horrible feelings of maybe once he's sorted he will finish with me anyway.

HollowTalk · 28/12/2021 20:54

Why are you interested in this man? Raise your standards! And the same goes for @Toomanybiccys123 - this was really awful: He's living off me. Every day he's needing between 10 and 30 quid. Plus I'm buying his food. I feel like I'm being used at times. He didn't even get me a box of chocs for Christmas - you are being used!