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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP always skint

147 replies

daffodilsunlocked · 28/12/2021 20:24

DP does not work, is on PIP (sickness benefit) as he is afraid to get back into work & possibly earn less (which completely pisses me off as he is extremely intelligent but just cannot take management unfortunately) Sad

We've been on-off-on-off for 3 years now and during this time I have been guilt-tripped into 'helping' him financially ... I work FT and have 3 DCs.

He now does not get paid (benefits) until next Wed (a week tomorrow) Sad and therefore has said he is unable to go out/take me out before New Year HmmSad

I have a good week and a half off of work too, and would have really loved to have been taken out...

Spoke to him on phone before and he just banged on about being skint and having nothing for over another week, which in turn made me feel guilty Hmm

I really don't know whether I'm being selfish in not offering him any money, but I've not long bought a new car and am paying my finance, spent-up on pressies for my 3 x DC and other bills to pay before I get paid again Jan Sad

OP posts:
GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 29/12/2021 11:43

There are plenty of financially stable men out there that will be 'good with your dc'

You work hard and make sacrifices to earn money, don't waste it on someone who sulks when you enjoy yourself!

Take yourself out on nye and enjoy yourself without him. He's using you

Re his depression, you can't solve this for him. You're not his career

billy1966 · 29/12/2021 11:45

@Whatifitallgoesright

Not too proud to borrow money off a single mother with three children though is he.
What a waster.

Dump and raise your bar.

What an awful example to your children having this waster in your life.

SortingItOut · 29/12/2021 12:11

He's not really good with your DC because he is taking money from you which is for your kids.

There are plenty of men out there who would be good with your DC so that doesn't set him apart from others.

I stayed with my ex for 17yrs because each time I caught him having emotional affairs he would threaten to kill himself.
In the end I left but only when I realised if he killed himself it was his decision and nothing to do with me.
I did end it eventually and his mental health wasn't great, he was sectioned and attempted suicide 3 times but he actually had to take responsibility for himself.
We had become like parent/child or nurse/patient and it was highly destructive.
3.5yrs on he is doing great and is back at work. He had to reach rockbottom to climb back up.

Its not easy from our side, the hours of calls and messaging regarding our marriage and suicide messed with my head big time but eventually I blocked him and decided he would either die or sort himself out,luckily he sorted himself out but if he had died that would have been his decision.

You can do so much better than this man, what exactly are his positives? I mean proper positives, not the 'good with my DC'

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/12/2021 12:19

It's not clear if you're actually living with this guy?

If so I'd get rid of him straight way, before you're the one with depression and a financial mess. As a PP said, he'll find someone else to leach off soon enough

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 29/12/2021 12:49

Lol at doesnt do management mmmmmmm me wonders why not. Hes good with your children as he knows thats what keeps you in line

TheCatShatInTheHat · 29/12/2021 13:14

Come on OP, get rid of this tosser.

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 29/12/2021 13:41

Am I out of order / selfish if he always pays me back though?? Hmm

OP posts:
FairFuming · 29/12/2021 13:52

Whether he pays you back or not doesn't matter. How long have you lived together? Does he pay anything towards bills on a regular basis? Is it your house? I've no interest in a man who thinks borrowing money off a single mum is ok except in exceptional circumstances especially after being with my financially abusive ex. Your money is for you and the kids. And a grown man who sulks and doesn't even do his share around the house while not working is one if find hard finding attractive

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/12/2021 14:03

@daffodilsunlocked

Am I out of order / selfish if he always pays me back though?? Hmm
I can't believe you've read all the posts properly if this is something you're still unsure of?

You're being out of order / selfish to your children by staying with this bloke. You really are.

He's a piss poor example to them and he's making their mum feel crap.

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 29/12/2021 14:07

@FairFuming Sorry, he doesn't live with us no, God no!

OP posts:
cruffin · 29/12/2021 14:10

Why the fuck are you with him?!? The number of women on mumsnet who need to raise their standards is depressing.

IncompleteSenten · 29/12/2021 14:17

@daffodilsunlocked

Am I out of order / selfish if he always pays me back though?? Hmm
No. He's not entitled to use you as a free overdraft facility

Look. He's taking the piss. You either let him or you don't. It's your choice

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 29/12/2021 14:25

I have just told him on phone now that my heart is not in it, I can't do it anymore Sad

He is a genuinely nice guy, but him not wanting to work is always going to be a massive issue to me; I have worked since I was 16 and my mum drove into me work ethic.

I feel awful now though Sad

OP posts:
GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 29/12/2021 14:29

Don't feel awful, you should be his partner, not his carer or his bank account.

Howshouldibehave · 29/12/2021 14:29

@daffodilsunlocked

I have just told him on phone now that my heart is not in it, I can't do it anymore Sad

He is a genuinely nice guy, but him not wanting to work is always going to be a massive issue to me; I have worked since I was 16 and my mum drove into me work ethic.

I feel awful now though Sad

Well done-good for you. What did he say?
HMG107 · 29/12/2021 14:32

Im sorry your feeling rubbish over the festive period OP but you’ve done the right thing.

I get PIP and struggle in employment as I find RA are usually not forthcoming. Although I could be a SAHP as my LO is a toddler, I want to work and now run my own business.

It didn’t sound like he had the right work ethic for you.

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 29/12/2021 14:33

He was really nice about it, which makes it worse Sad

He did say initially that he always pays me back etc., he's changed in other ways like drinking less etc. I just said we would never be able to go on holiday together with his financial situation.

If I'm completely honest, I love him but haven't been in love for some time now Sad

I do feel relieved, thank you all for giving me that kick up the backside Daffodil

OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 29/12/2021 14:36

@Whatifitallgoesright

Not too proud to borrow money off a single mother with three children though is he.
This.

You're being used, big style.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/12/2021 14:40

Ffs he was drinking booze while he was choosing not to work and instead taking money from a single mum? Funny how he had enough money for alcohol isn't it? Just gets better and better.

Glad to hear you've ended it. Worrying you didn't seem to see how bad this was before especially as an example to set your children when it comes to relationship modelling.

Hopefully you won't get back together with him.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 29/12/2021 14:42

Good for you.

If you feel yourself backsliding remember his schtick seems to have been, successfully, making you feel responsible for him. Like his mother. Not sexy, not sustainable.

You don't have a void in your life big enough for his neediness to fill.

Yellowshirt · 29/12/2021 14:50

You were being taken advantage of. I'm not proud to say my Ex wife was taking the mick out of me financially for 8 years. She was intelligent as well. A fcuking Assistant headteacher.
I've been single now for 3 years but I'm starting to sort myself out and whether I buy a small flat or wait another 5 years to get a house we will have to wait and see. I couldn't be with someone who doesn't see the long term benefits of working hard. I want the house and holidays that go with working.
My 16 year old daughter has just started her first job. Hopefully she will see me as a good role model one day.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 29/12/2021 14:53

Don't worry about him, OP.
He'll have found a new pair of knickers to sponge off by Michaelmas.

Suzanne999 · 29/12/2021 14:57

@daffodilsunlocked

Sorry, I didn't say, he is not just on PIP, but ESA - initially for depression ... he worked for the DWP for over 20 years but was forced to take garden leave about 6 years ago.

He is afraid to go back to work in case it "doesn't turn out" and he is then forced to go back on minor benefits ... but this is something that has bugged me since we met... he has made me feel shallow for feeling this way, am I?? SadHmm

You are not the shallow one. You work, you support your children. If your partner has to live on benefits because he’s too sick to work then he has to budget to survive on those benefits. If you didn’t work, would you go looking for a boyfriend you could constantly borrow money from? Probably with no intention of returning it? I bet you wouldn’t so take yourself away from him.
IncompleteSenten · 29/12/2021 14:59

Nice about it is his first response.
Prepare yourself for others.

billy1966 · 29/12/2021 15:40

OP,

He was using you.

Expect him to try and suck you back in.

Your children deserve so much better than someone using their mother in their life.

Flowers