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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP always skint

147 replies

daffodilsunlocked · 28/12/2021 20:24

DP does not work, is on PIP (sickness benefit) as he is afraid to get back into work & possibly earn less (which completely pisses me off as he is extremely intelligent but just cannot take management unfortunately) Sad

We've been on-off-on-off for 3 years now and during this time I have been guilt-tripped into 'helping' him financially ... I work FT and have 3 DCs.

He now does not get paid (benefits) until next Wed (a week tomorrow) Sad and therefore has said he is unable to go out/take me out before New Year HmmSad

I have a good week and a half off of work too, and would have really loved to have been taken out...

Spoke to him on phone before and he just banged on about being skint and having nothing for over another week, which in turn made me feel guilty Hmm

I really don't know whether I'm being selfish in not offering him any money, but I've not long bought a new car and am paying my finance, spent-up on pressies for my 3 x DC and other bills to pay before I get paid again Jan Sad

OP posts:
SpanielsAreMyLife · 28/12/2021 21:22

No one is so good with your DC that you can justify taking money from them to give him, OP.

No one.

Snowsaurus · 28/12/2021 21:22

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

Ugh do you sleep with these cocklodgers? Men scrounging off their women how unattractive.
Yeah, agree but sadly the same rule doesn’t seem to apply to women though.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 21:24

@Snowsaurus

You say that as if the same people who think men like OP's 'partner' are cocklodger wouldn't say the same about a female equivalent. I absolutely would and think most people who think he sounds like a wanker would think a female equivalent was too!

pastypirate · 28/12/2021 21:26

@Whatifitallgoesright

Not too proud to borrow money off a single mother with three children though is he.
Honestly - write this on the inside of your arm to remind you every time he even hints at you giving him money.
LowlandsAway · 28/12/2021 21:27

Where did you learn that wanting a solvent partner who can manage their shit is selfish? Where did you learn that it’s your job to subsidise manbabies? Where did you learn that your kids are a lower financial priority than a sulking waster?

Rainbowqueeen · 28/12/2021 21:27

He’s basically saying I know I’ll have a tanty and quit any job I get. While doing nothing to resolve the situation. He could try setting up his own business ,this may involve additional study) or therapy to resolve his issues with management.

This is how he will be for the rest of his life. Is that what you want???

You are stopping yourself finding a decent bloke who adores you and your DC and shares your values. He is terrible role model. Is that what you want for your DC? . End it, block him and move on with your life

acatcalledjohn · 28/12/2021 21:31

My head tells me this, but then he is so good with my DC.....

He knows this. He is good with your kids because it means you then feel bad for dumping his idle & broke arse.

Your kids to him are a means to an end.

Holothane · 28/12/2021 21:32

He sulks if you go out right I’d start making him sulk by leaving and blocking him.

godmum56 · 28/12/2021 21:36

[quote daffodilsunlocked]@Toomanybiccys123 I'm so sorry to hear this, and please know you are not alone Daffodil

I know a lot of people would call me selfish for wanting a guy who is financially stable - I have a history of my kids' dad (who is no longer with us) of being a high-earner initially, but then we lost everything - house, cars, etc. Sad

So I'm not selfish & I also understand that anybody can lose everything in a heart beat, but can I really do this again? Sad[/quote]
then go to off again and DO NOT go to on again.

godmum56 · 28/12/2021 21:37

oh and "can't take management" Ie stubborn idiot

GrazingSheep · 28/12/2021 21:37

We've been on-off-on-off for 3 years now

Is this what you want your children learning about relationships?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/12/2021 21:38

What kind of a man bums off a hard working single mum with three kids.
Sorry but I'd never be able to respect him again. His money is his problem it isn't yours.

Allthelols · 28/12/2021 21:41

Genuinely not trying to be mean but why on Earth do women settle for this?

It’s not so much the finances although that’s an issue it’s the description of no shame in taking money off you, no effort to treat you in non financial ways, no turning his hand to an odd job to get some food in to cook for you.

It’s so clear he is a leech and would rather take money off a working single mum than get off his arse.

Is that really all you think you deserve? And another poster the same.

Truly I don’t get it.

KeyLimePies · 28/12/2021 21:42

You’re putting your need for a man before your children and you know it. Put your children first and get rid of the lazy fucker. I’ve had chronic depression for 40 years. It hasn’t stopped me working, in fact being in work helps once I’m over the worst of an episode.

I could be kinder, but I really cba with all the martyrdom on MN recently. Where’s your fucking anger at him for taking the piss?

Steelesauce · 28/12/2021 21:46

Single, working mum of 3 here. What are you playing at?! You are not so desperate you need a Cocklodger like that in your life! It is not selfish to want someone financially stable, it is self respect! Dump him and move on.

GettingItOutThere · 28/12/2021 21:47

and his good points are.....??

honestly OP i mean this kindly, get a backbone and dump this pathetic excuse for a man.
He is a cocklodger, no shame and he should enhance your life not drag you down

2022willbebetter · 28/12/2021 21:48

Every penny on this cocklodger man is a penny less for your DC. Reset your priorities, find your boundaries and look forward to a future without all this angst

DoodleBelle · 28/12/2021 21:54

Yuck. Get rid!

HacerSonarSusPasos · 28/12/2021 21:54

just cannot take management

That screams narcissism to me

Lucked · 28/12/2021 22:02

He is not your problem to solve. He has told you he has no intention of finding work and he does not have enough money to support himself. 3 years you have put up with this shit without progress on his part. He is a terrible role model for your children so stop trying to see the best in him.

Just break up with him. This is not difficult. Why are you hesitating?

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 28/12/2021 22:04

I worry he may fall back into a depression SadSad

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 22:05

You're worried about him?

OP. Start worrying about your children and the ways in which he's a piss poor role model for them:

Financially irresponsible
Poor work ethic
Takes advantage of others
Guilt trips a partner who socialises without him
Makes their mum anxious and stressed
Can't get them even a token gift at Christmas
Guilt trips their mum into giving him money
Makes the family unit (you and your 3 DC) LESS financially stable due to subbing him
Shows them this is what a healthy relationship dynamic looks like when it's anything but

Can you not see that?!

To continue this relationship is batshit OP.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 28/12/2021 22:06

Worry about your lack of self respect and your children financially suffering.ffs.
Get your priorities straight and sort yourself out.
Your priorities seem to be for a man rather than your children and yourself!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 22:09

The more I read this thread the less I understand how you're still with this man OP.

If you had no kids, staying with him would be foolish.

Considering you do have kids, staying with him is selfish.

KeyLimePies · 28/12/2021 22:09

@daffodilsunlocked

I worry he may fall back into a depression SadSad
Don’t worry, he’ll find another sucker in no time.
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