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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP always skint

147 replies

daffodilsunlocked · 28/12/2021 20:24

DP does not work, is on PIP (sickness benefit) as he is afraid to get back into work & possibly earn less (which completely pisses me off as he is extremely intelligent but just cannot take management unfortunately) Sad

We've been on-off-on-off for 3 years now and during this time I have been guilt-tripped into 'helping' him financially ... I work FT and have 3 DCs.

He now does not get paid (benefits) until next Wed (a week tomorrow) Sad and therefore has said he is unable to go out/take me out before New Year HmmSad

I have a good week and a half off of work too, and would have really loved to have been taken out...

Spoke to him on phone before and he just banged on about being skint and having nothing for over another week, which in turn made me feel guilty Hmm

I really don't know whether I'm being selfish in not offering him any money, but I've not long bought a new car and am paying my finance, spent-up on pressies for my 3 x DC and other bills to pay before I get paid again Jan Sad

OP posts:
IWentAwayIStayedAway · 29/12/2021 15:43

Good for you

Riverlee · 29/12/2021 15:49

@Bananalanacake

Don't let him move in with you, I'm surprised he hasn't already tried.
Me too.
Holothane · 29/12/2021 15:49

Well done OP now live your life for you and the children.hugs.

Riverlee · 29/12/2021 15:51

Just read update. Well done. You’ll feel better in the future, even though it’s difficult to make the decision,

Queenofchips · 29/12/2021 15:54

Not RTFT but I couldn't find this attractive at all. I don't expect a man to financially support me in a relationship, but I would expect him to support himself.
Ask yourself what you get out of this relationship?

Queenofchips · 29/12/2021 15:55

Oh saw your update. Well done xx

katieg03 · 29/12/2021 15:56

You wouldn't let your daughter get treated like this surely? Know your worth. You are far too good for him. Just because he is good with the kids and pays back is not a justification for treating you like a pay day loan shop.

NowEvenBetter · 29/12/2021 17:38

The silent treatment and snide comments are not a ‘great guy’, don’t accept such shit in future boyfriends, dreadful example to be inflicting on your kids.

KeyLimePies · 29/12/2021 17:52

Well done OP. Stay strong. Whenever you feel you might be wavering just look at your beautiful children and be proud that you’re doing your best for them Flowers

Youknownothingsnow · 29/12/2021 17:59

So he is worried about losing ESA and UC as he must be claiming Universal Credit to pay his rent/bills. This is not your responsibility.

I had a similar situation years ago I was a single mum and bankrolling a cocklodger. As soon as I ended it he got a job! He was in one when I met him but had difficulties (management restructure), during which so I was supportive. When I think of the money I lost I could cry, but I was a sucker for a lame duck. Anyway, point is I’m now with my fiancé and we’ve been together 7 years. He is excellent with money and a good saver. I had some time single and worked on my boundaries.

Youknownothingsnow · 29/12/2021 18:01

Oh! Just seen your update! Happy New Year!!

Allthelols · 29/12/2021 18:18

OP that’s such a good decision but I’ll be amazed if he lets it go that easily.
Stay strong

Comedycook · 29/12/2021 18:23

I know a lot of people would call me selfish for wanting a guy who is financially stable

Don't fall into the awful way of thinking that says women who want a financially stable, solvent man are gold diggers.

It's a perfectly reasonable requirement when selecting a partner.

Elieza · 29/12/2021 18:37

Good result.

He will phone you at some point to try and persuade you to try again.

He will drink when he realises you’re not having any of his manipulative shite and he had to get a job or new woman to sponge off.

He could then phone you with threats of suicide. Do not engage. Phone the police to do a welfare check on him each time he pulls that stunt.

Hopefully he won’t be silly and manipulative. Just saying so you’re prewarned and have a strategy ready to use. I’ve met his sort before.

DerAlteMann · 29/12/2021 18:47

[quote daffodilsunlocked]@Toomanybiccys123 I'm so sorry to hear this, and please know you are not alone Daffodil

I know a lot of people would call me selfish for wanting a guy who is financially stable - I have a history of my kids' dad (who is no longer with us) of being a high-earner initially, but then we lost everything - house, cars, etc. Sad

So I'm not selfish & I also understand that anybody can lose everything in a heart beat, but can I really do this again? Sad[/quote]
I know a lot of people would call me selfish for wanting a guy who is financially stable

Not "selfish" just "sensible".

TheCatShatInTheHat · 29/12/2021 19:02

Well done OP !!

Hoppinggreen · 29/12/2021 19:07

@daffodilsunlocked

Sorry, I didn't say, he is not just on PIP, but ESA - initially for depression ... he worked for the DWP for over 20 years but was forced to take garden leave about 6 years ago.

He is afraid to go back to work in case it "doesn't turn out" and he is then forced to go back on minor benefits ... but this is something that has bugged me since we met... he has made me feel shallow for feeling this way, am I?? SadHmm

I have sympathy for anyone with depression but he just sounds like a work shy loser. Nobody would judge you for not wanting to be with one of those
Elieza · 29/12/2021 19:17

In his defence, I have friends from DWP and that place is awful. Absolutely awful. However he needs to either get to the occupational health and get transferred to a different post if needs be so he can return to work, or he needs to be looking at a managed move by HR or applying for a new job in the civil service.

Newestname002 · 29/12/2021 19:53

@daffodilsunlocked

I have just told him on phone now that my heart is not in it, I can't do it anymore Sad

He is a genuinely nice guy, but him not wanting to work is always going to be a massive issue to me; I have worked since I was 16 and my mum drove into me work ethic.

I feel awful now though Sad

Phew OP! I was reading your posts and my heart was sinking further and further until you posted this. Yes do please be aware he may well try to coax you back - have your firm boundaries and responses ready. No remaining friends, no giving loans, etc.

In my opinion you just wanted "permission" from MN to cut him off as, if you re-read your own posts, you were tired of him anyway - quite rightly!! I especially liked the vehemence in your tone when "O God No" he doesn't live with you.

Keep those strong boundaries OP and stay well clear of anyone else anything like him. 🌹

RantyAunty · 29/12/2021 20:36

Well done on getting rid!

caringcarer · 29/12/2021 21:56

He would get PIP whether he worked or not. He sounds just too lazy to try. Suggest he gets a part time job to see how he goes.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 29/12/2021 22:29

Stay strong. If you have been subbing him £300 for 3 years he's taken over £10k from you and your children. Don't take him back, don't feel sorry for him and don't get into another relationship like this.

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