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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP always skint

147 replies

daffodilsunlocked · 28/12/2021 20:24

DP does not work, is on PIP (sickness benefit) as he is afraid to get back into work & possibly earn less (which completely pisses me off as he is extremely intelligent but just cannot take management unfortunately) Sad

We've been on-off-on-off for 3 years now and during this time I have been guilt-tripped into 'helping' him financially ... I work FT and have 3 DCs.

He now does not get paid (benefits) until next Wed (a week tomorrow) Sad and therefore has said he is unable to go out/take me out before New Year HmmSad

I have a good week and a half off of work too, and would have really loved to have been taken out...

Spoke to him on phone before and he just banged on about being skint and having nothing for over another week, which in turn made me feel guilty Hmm

I really don't know whether I'm being selfish in not offering him any money, but I've not long bought a new car and am paying my finance, spent-up on pressies for my 3 x DC and other bills to pay before I get paid again Jan Sad

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 28/12/2021 22:09

I Feel sorry for your children
Their future seems bleak

acatcalledjohn · 28/12/2021 22:10

@daffodilsunlocked

I worry he may fall back into a depression SadSad

And what is he doing to fix it, other than relying on you to bankroll him?

I'm guessing the answer is 'nothing'.

massiveblob · 28/12/2021 22:11

@Toomanybiccys123

Hello. You sound like me. My boyfriends on universal credits awaiting a scan to go back to work. He's living off me. Every day he's needing between 10 and 30 quid. Plus I'm buying his food. I feel like I'm being used at times. He didn't even get me a box of chocs for Christmas but did ask me to borrow £20 the other day because his mate had some Hugo boss perfume for sale and it'd apparently for me..I wanted to ask if he intended on giving me the £20 next month on top of the £550 he owes me.

Its difficult. I'm torn tonight due to him falling asleep on medication and I can't go round. Feel like its over.

Why on Earth does he need £10-30 a day
BitcherOfBlakiven · 28/12/2021 22:13

@daffodilsunlocked

I worry he may fall back into a depression SadSad
And what about you? Your children?

I’m a single parent with 3DC.

I’ve had one boyfriend since I got divorced. He too was on PIP and ESA. He never asked me for a penny, and, actually, because he didn’t pay council tax or rent, he had more money coming than I did, and much lower bills because he had a small 1 bed flat.

We split up because, well, he was needy as fuck and between work, my degree and my DCs, I didn’t have time for that shit - even if I had no DC, I still wouldn’t have time for that shit,

Also, his shitty MH was making my MH take a turn for the worse. And I come first - because if I’m okay, my kids are okay. Not some random blokes MH. (He’s been a close friend of my brother for over a decade, so not exactly random, but you know what I mean).

RandomMess · 28/12/2021 22:18

You can't raise 3DC on thin air. Relationships aren't just about feelings.

It's been on and off for 3 years - that should be the honeymoon period.

The moodiness and mismanagement of his own funds would be a deal breaker for me.

Mumsgirls · 28/12/2021 22:23

Bit naive on here re benefits
In theory can work and PIP not affected, but if you work they will look at what u have said u cannot do, so PIP can be at risk . He is probably also on ESA as well, which is work re-later. System works against trying to get back into work and he may not be any better off working , may be comfortable

massiveblob · 28/12/2021 22:23

So if he won't go to work is he doing all the jobs of a house parent (wife)? Is the garden tidy & the house clean? Are diy jobs done? That's what I'd expect.

Funnylittlefloozie · 28/12/2021 22:26

So if he falls in to a depression, so what? He can go to the doctor and get tablets like every other adult.... or he can find another hard-working woman to ponce off, and be a "great dad" to her kids to get her to subsidise his lazyarse lifestyle.

Original poster
daffodilsunlocked · 28/12/2021 22:27

@massiveblob

So if he won't go to work is he doing all the jobs of a house parent (wife)? Is the garden tidy & the house clean? Are diy jobs done? That's what I'd expect.
I wish ..... HmmBlush

As I see this in black and white it rings MASSIVE bells

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 28/12/2021 22:30

Why on earth do you want to settle down with a man that doesn't work! Also people work on PIP. I wouldn't entertain a man that doesn't work. What is his sickness preventing him from working?

CharlotteRose90 · 28/12/2021 22:32

He’s got you hook, line and sinker. This guy is taking you for a mug. Too scared to go back to work because he’s scared of management 😂😂. No what he is is a child that’s turned lazy and doesn’t want to work. Get him out of your life. He’s not the type of role model you want in your kids lives.

violetbunny · 28/12/2021 22:44

OP, you sound like a lovely and kind person.

This man is not good for you. In fact, the more you post about him the worse he sounds. Sulking? That is manipulative behaviour designed to get you to fall into line.

You are not responsible for this man, for his depression or for his lack of funds. You are however responsible for yourself and your kids. By funding him you are taking away opportunities for your kids. And by putting up with his sulking behaviour you're are telling him it's ok for him to keep manipulating you.

I don't say this lightly, but I think you need to move on from this relationship. Being "good with the kids" doesn't cancel out all of the other poor behaviour and I think you know this.

Allthelols · 28/12/2021 22:48

Thank god the alarm bells are ringing OP

Listen to them.

This is madness. For your DC. For you.
He is an utter waste of space no matter how nice he seems and what he tells you about his depression he is not your problem to solve. This is not a partnership you are in it is more like having an expensive very needy 4th child.

Pls prioritise yourself and your kids

GrazingSheep · 28/12/2021 23:02

OP, you sound like a lovely and kind person.

Yes - to the useless man she’s hooked up with
To her children- not so much

violetbunny · 28/12/2021 23:39

@GrazingSheep

OP, you sound like a lovely and kind person.

Yes - to the useless man she’s hooked up with
To her children- not so much

Let's not kick the OP when she's down. The fact she's posting on here at all suggests she knows something isn't right. I think she needs support, not to be browbeaten.

Howshouldibehave · 28/12/2021 23:45

and would have really loved to have been taken out...

I don’t think this man will ever be one who ‘takes you out’. He’d probably ‘forget’ his wallet and you’d have to pay.

Get out now whilst you still can

HairyFanjoBanjo · 28/12/2021 23:50

So… You’re like a mother figure to him?

Don’t you already have 3 children to pay for?Hmm

crispsandnuts · 28/12/2021 23:55

Don't be a rescuer/people pleaser. I was in the same position after my marriage ended, I was vulnerable and desperate for attention so ended up with someone who enjoyed spending my money, I was too excited by the attention that I didn't realise.
I look back at how I used to give him money to help pay his gas bill then he used it on a night out... claiming his mental health needed to socialise, very manipulating but I learnt a lesson.
You sound independent strong and really don't need someone who would compromise that.

Lbnc2021 · 29/12/2021 00:12

OP I’ve been in a similar situation before. Seriously, rip the plaster off now because you’re going to feel like shit even more later on. Get rid of him, I won’t give another penny to a man again not when I’ve got children to support. I’d rather be by myself then have the piss ripped out me like this.

Riverlee · 29/12/2021 09:31

@Funnylittlefloozie

So if he falls in to a depression, so what? He can go to the doctor and get tablets like every other adult.... or he can find another hard-working woman to ponce off, and be a "great dad" to her kids to get her to subsidise his lazyarse lifestyle.
I was about to write something similar.

He’s not your responsibility, financially or healthwise. I get you’re a nice person, and want to be supportive, but put you and your family first. You are not being selfish by doing this.

Viviennemary · 29/12/2021 09:39

I think the added worry and stress of supporting your partner financially for the long term is just too much of a burden especially when you have your own family to support. I wouldn't do it. For a short time till somebody got back on their feet yes.

SouthernFashionista · 29/12/2021 09:41

Honestly, time after time, I read posts from single mums who work hard and end up with absolute wasters. The guy sounds like a loser OP. Bump him off and focus on your family and career. Better to be single than with a waster like this.

Agadorsparticus · 29/12/2021 09:43

Give yourself the best New Year's gift of not having to deal with him anymore.

Peppapigforlife · 29/12/2021 09:56

I'm a full time single mum with a toddler on UC and have still managed to find time here and there to get on the internet and make a bit of extra cash for treats and stuff. He's got all the time in the world he could do SOMETHÄ°NG with his time. Even if it's self care and treat his depression. Stop feeling sorry for him, when really you feel sorry for yourself for your previous financial loss which you stated earlier.

Bananalanacake · 29/12/2021 10:37

Don't let him move in with you, I'm surprised he hasn't already tried.