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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How did you know your marriage was over... Describe in three words...

484 replies

LondonGrimmer · 28/12/2021 00:39

Or maybe a short sentence. I have massive doubts. Just wondering how others knew...

OP posts:
keffie12 · 30/12/2021 14:21

@LondonGrimmer

Oh bless you! I know. My late father was violent and a bully. He turned it on me when I was 13/14.

I got out when I was 16. I recreated my childhood in adulthood. I had what looked like the nice life like my childhood with the ex

I changed somethings. The one thing I didn't realise straightaway I had changed was when the ex turned on my eldest that was it I,/we were gone. History was not going to repeat itself.

I kind of through therapy came to understand why my mom didn't leave my father. It was the 70s, my mom background it would have been frowned on.

I hope you have managed fo get some specialised therapy. Wonens Aid offer it. They were amazing to us

The ex said ro me when we left "You will never survive without me"

I retorted "I don't care where we go, where we end up as long as we are safe and away from you"

I didn't expect the change of events that happened after in the aftermath. Never regretted leaving him. The only thing was I wish I had done it earlier

What your mom felt apparently is quite normal. Please find some counselling if you haven't had any

For anyone new reading, I have 4 youngster and I met my 2nd husband 2 year later who is everything the ex isn't

My now adult youngsters see David as Dad. My eldest put my 2nd husband name on his marriage certificate as Step Dad of the groom. We didn't know he was doing it. It blew our minds in a good way when we knew

You can find peace, love and happiness again. There are good men out their

Holothane · 30/12/2021 15:04

If the worst is the worst and you don’t want treatment yes I can understand that but go quickly and quietly in. Your sleep so I don’t have months years of utter misery with you, I’ve had it up to here with you my heart sinks, this had better be an infection because I’m leaving. If I have to stay then go quietly

Handholdtoday · 30/12/2021 17:35

Oh my God @Holothane I'm so sorry.

Holothane · 30/12/2021 18:25

Thankyou I thought I’d get slated for saying it but I feel numb or nothing my heart just sinks.

SunshineCake1 · 30/12/2021 19:25

@LondonGrimmer wanting to leave him is a good enough reason. Why anyone would think someone should wait until they are assaulted, cheated on etc before it is acceptable to leave is beyond me. While the world seems to be dumbing down let us fight against it. Think sensibly and maturely.

If you want out, then leave.

SunshineCake1 · 30/12/2021 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Ddot · 30/12/2021 22:51

He Killed a cat.
I planned to murder him.
He threw me over a car.
I became bulimic.
Oh sorry got carried away, thinking back I was a little dense, should have left him after the honeymoon, long story that includes fish fingers.

MumOf21 · 30/12/2021 23:05

I married far too young as a teenager mainly to get out of a very unhappy situation at home, living in an extended family with abusive relatives who quite frankly these days would have been up in court for child abuse if Social services knew what was going on at the time.
After 10 years of marriage, l had managed to climb the career ladder, my children were all at school, and a remark by a work colleague who was also a trained physchotherapist got me thinking. Up until this point l had realised that my marriage was far from perfect, but just how much we had grown apart for others to clearly realise this fact came as a bit of a shock!
There had been a few nagging doubts in my mind regarding OH behaviour at the time, especially regards other women, pornography, and hushed rumours by his work colleagues. It was actually my children who were junior school age at the time who blew the final whistle on him one morning after l returned from night duty, he had been stupid enough to bring another woman home with him the night before believing they wouldn’t realise what was going off between them whilst my back was turned. That was the final turning point where l realised that the marriage was over, and that it was time to move on.
Fast forward 25 years, l met and married my cousins work boss a couple of years after my divorce, we had two more children together, a much better quality of life, and a new start in a Brand new home without any memories of the past. Moving on was the best decision that l ever made, and time has gone on to prove that l was not the one at fault in my first marriage, as Ex husband has remarried and divorced 4 more times since then, and now lives the single life at his Mothers house!

Ddot · 30/12/2021 23:09

🤣

Scrumpy10 · 31/12/2021 09:01

Can't fit in 3 words but here are some of the red flags.

  1. He blamed me for everything
2 Destroyed my self esteem with nasty comments.
  1. Didn't communicate
  2. Lied. Even lied about being on Facebook as said he didn't have an account but did
  3. If I got a cold he would scream at me that I was a dirty cow to be poorly
  4. He would try to make me admit to things I had not done

This was over 10 years ago and best thing ever being rid of him.

Ddot · 31/12/2021 10:27

Don't rush into a decision as the pandemic has been a strain on many couples. Your still undecided or you wouldn't need to ask, give yourself some time (not too long) if by this time next year you still feel the same then make plans. Divorce is hard but it's better than living an unhappy life. Good luck and I wish you happiness in whatever choice you make x

DoItAfraid · 31/12/2021 11:01

@notoldjustpastyoung

OK, here goes. Only ever told one person recently though it was over 60 years ago. Now I'm telling the world. Married two years, wasn't going well, unemotional, no conversation, he worked by choice 7 in the morning till home at 10.00 at night. Every day. Got pregnant deliberately. Silly but in the long run she was my life saver. He wasn't interested in the pregnancy or the baby when she arrived. Only a few weeks after her birth he raped me and the next morning my legs were paralysed. I was too scared to tell the doctor how and in those days they didn't ask questions. And my husband was standing by the bed staring at me, daring me. Taken into hospital for a week before got life back in my legs. Couldn't take baby even though I was breast feeding. Left him a few weeks later. Won't go on. But in the long run it was for better than worse.
Flowers
scaredsadandstuck · 31/12/2021 12:00

Can relate to so much here. At this point I just yearn to be away from him, alone. I hate being near him, dread him coming home etc. Some key things that led to this:

  • secretly filing us having sex - repeatedly including while we were TTC baby no2
  • going on a week long walking holiday 2 months after our first was born - "a right of passage" apparently
  • deciding to undertake a part-time degree while we had two very small kids, while also working full time & part time jobs. Was told this was for our benefit, so was selfish of me to point out impact on me
  • smoking 'behind my back' for years (most humiliating when a peadiatric nurse friend told me he turned up at a party to collect eldest sticking of fags, carrying youngest who had a streaming cold at the time)
  • taking drugs behind my back
  • not stepping up as an equal partner, leaving major decisions and day to day life stuff to me
  • never getting help for his very real and understandable emotional scars from a fucked up childhood - I can only empathise for so long before it feels like it's just an excuse to behave like a dick
  • really only being able to be happy in our marriage when I'm a size 8 and willing to have all kinds of boundary pushing sex with him

Sadly, I'm still not brave enough to tell him it's over.

Ddot · 31/12/2021 16:34

Then don't tell him just pack when he's out and get a bit of cash hidden and run when you can

Ddot · 31/12/2021 16:34

Five x

Ddot · 31/12/2021 16:35

Oops five was a text for mate sorry about confusion

Original poster
LondonGrimmer · 31/12/2021 18:09

@scaredsadandstuck wow, that's quite a shocking list there. Sorry you're still with him Sad I hope you find the help and support you need to make a plan next year for him to leave so you can be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
LondonGrimmer · 31/12/2021 18:15

@Ddot

Don't rush into a decision as the pandemic has been a strain on many couples. Your still undecided or you wouldn't need to ask, give yourself some time (not too long) if by this time next year you still feel the same then make plans. Divorce is hard but it's better than living an unhappy life. Good luck and I wish you happiness in whatever choice you make x
@Ddot yes I agree the pandemic has an awful lot to answer for. I'm sure we were both much happier before. When we both worked outside of the home and had hobbies and didn't have home schooling and Covid stress etc. We're slowly getting our hobbies back now, and I'm hopeful we'll both be a bit happier next year. We do need counselling so will see what happens with that (like someone else up thread has said, you have to try. We've been together 14 years and have two children and a mortgage and life together. We've been happy for probably 12 of those so need to try). I'm certainly not miserable and there's no nastiness. He's a good man.

Happy New Year everyone on here. Whether you're questioning your marriage, happy to be out of a miserable or unsafe one, happier now you're on marriage No2, happily single or actively planning your escape. I hope 2022 brings you hope and strength Flowers

OP posts:
onedayiwillflyaway1 · 31/12/2021 20:00

@scaredsadandstuck

Can relate to so much here. At this point I just yearn to be away from him, alone. I hate being near him, dread him coming home etc. Some key things that led to this:
  • secretly filing us having sex - repeatedly including while we were TTC baby no2
  • going on a week long walking holiday 2 months after our first was born - "a right of passage" apparently
  • deciding to undertake a part-time degree while we had two very small kids, while also working full time & part time jobs. Was told this was for our benefit, so was selfish of me to point out impact on me
  • smoking 'behind my back' for years (most humiliating when a peadiatric nurse friend told me he turned up at a party to collect eldest sticking of fags, carrying youngest who had a streaming cold at the time)
  • taking drugs behind my back
  • not stepping up as an equal partner, leaving major decisions and day to day life stuff to me
  • never getting help for his very real and understandable emotional scars from a fucked up childhood - I can only empathise for so long before it feels like it's just an excuse to behave like a dick
  • really only being able to be happy in our marriage when I'm a size 8 and willing to have all kinds of boundary pushing sex with him

Sadly, I'm still not brave enough to tell him it's over.

You are brave
FindingMeno · 31/12/2021 20:03

Came to hate him.

BlueEyesBaby · 01/01/2022 02:10

Feeling totally alone together
He never has anything to say, would rather watch tv or play on the phone
Never ending days of despair and depression (which he doesn’t even notice)
Never feeling good enough
Constant picking at my clothes, appearance, nasty comments like calling me frumpy (he’s no George Clooney himself)
Never organising or arranging anything, like a day out, holiday, birthday or Christmas present but always complaining with whatever was arranged by me
Feeling totally unloved, unseen, unsupported
Never having any emotional support even when I am at a breaking point
Always blaming someone else or some life circumstances
Having all joy and hope sucked out of life, nothing to look forward to
Wishing I was dead day in day out (I don’t want to pass this pain to the kids)
20 years of marriage, 2 kids and I cannot suffocate living like this any longer

Fernticket · 01/01/2022 07:53

BlueEyesBaby
Your post really worries me. Is there anyone such as family or friends who would support you and get you the help you need?. If not , it might be worth contacting Refuge, as this sounds like emotional violence. Please, please get help ASAP.

scaredsadandstuck · 01/01/2022 13:40

@Fernticket

BlueEyesBaby Your post really worries me. Is there anyone such as family or friends who would support you and get you the help you need?. If not , it might be worth contacting Refuge, as this sounds like emotional violence. Please, please get help ASAP.
I agree. Can you reach out to a support service like Samaritans? Take care of yourself x
SunshineCake1 · 01/01/2022 17:42

@scaredsadandstuck

Can relate to so much here. At this point I just yearn to be away from him, alone. I hate being near him, dread him coming home etc. Some key things that led to this:
  • secretly filing us having sex - repeatedly including while we were TTC baby no2
  • going on a week long walking holiday 2 months after our first was born - "a right of passage" apparently
  • deciding to undertake a part-time degree while we had two very small kids, while also working full time & part time jobs. Was told this was for our benefit, so was selfish of me to point out impact on me
  • smoking 'behind my back' for years (most humiliating when a peadiatric nurse friend told me he turned up at a party to collect eldest sticking of fags, carrying youngest who had a streaming cold at the time)
  • taking drugs behind my back
  • not stepping up as an equal partner, leaving major decisions and day to day life stuff to me
  • never getting help for his very real and understandable emotional scars from a fucked up childhood - I can only empathise for so long before it feels like it's just an excuse to behave like a dick
  • really only being able to be happy in our marriage when I'm a size 8 and willing to have all kinds of boundary pushing sex with him

Sadly, I'm still not brave enough to tell him it's over.

You ARE brave enough. You're a mum. That gives you all the courage you need as you have to do it for them if you can't for yourself.
GotBeatenUp · 01/01/2022 17:44

Read my username