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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How does this happen to peoples lives

154 replies

Christmasturkey8888 · 26/12/2021 20:58

I just need to get this out the last two weeks I have been so stressed I am on the edge

Partner had boys night out last week came home
Stinking drunk (as he usually does any time he drinks) he woke during the night when the baby cried and tried to lift him I wouldn't let him and he threw me to the ground and started kicking me. I got away into the other room and he fell back to sleep. Next morning no recollection and shocker he had also got a girls number who he also had no recollection of. He doesn't hide his phone so I don't think he's having an affair.

Spent a week talking things through and I felt we had got things sorted and back on track. This morning we were rushing to leave to go to his parents and his DD came.

I was running behind and he put the baby and His DD into car and was helping my DS put his shoes on and shouted at me
Up the stairs to hurry up you fat slut.

I was raging as he wouldn't speak like that infront of his DD so why infront of my DS. He then brought him out to the car and came back in we argued and he pushed me to the ground, choked me for about 20 seconds. I got up and he kicked me again and pressed my face into the ground I have a black bruise on my head and my front teeth hurt. Then he choked me again I started screaming for help and he walked out.

I didn't want to let my kids down so I went to his parents and he ignored me all day. We're not home and I'm up in bed with the kids my body is sore I can't believe this is my life I'm a professional woman .

I'm scared he'll take the baby from me if I leave as he tells me I'm
Mad and i make him do this

OP posts:
Turtletotem · 27/12/2021 15:20

Shame on them all! He's disgusting and so are they for enabling him.
Please talk to someone and get safe ASAP you deserve that and so do the children.

SmallElephant · 27/12/2021 15:28

That is absolutely disgusting behaviour from his parents Angry

TheresAStarmanWaitingInTheSky · 27/12/2021 15:30

Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of background, social status, job, etc. His mother obviously knows what's going on and has chosen to ignore it. How awful they gaslighted his ex who was obviously telling the truth.

supercalie · 27/12/2021 17:39

If you want to make a complain about a police officer, as well as being able to call 999 or going to a police station, you can also make a complaint to the Independent Office for Police Conduct. This is an independent organisation that investigates complaints against the police. Among other things, it's there to protect you from police officers who think they can commit crimes like this and intimidate you into not reporting because they are police. You can absolutely report him.

You don't even have to call or go in, you can make a complaint via an online form.

policeconduct.gov.uk/complaints-reviews-and-appeals/make-complaint

The most serious category of complaint, which this is, can be investigated directly by them. This is another option for you and the IOPC is specifically there to avoid people feeling the police are above the law or that they have no way to complain if a police officer commits a crime. You absolutely can, so if you don't feel comfortable calling the police remember you can also fill in online form to the IOPC.

tarasmalatarocks · 27/12/2021 18:30

Please make sure someone supportive in real life knows about this— in the meantime please call the police ASAP — given recent events , I’m pretty sure they will take any claims like this seriously— Sorry OP , terrible for you, but guys like this really have no place in the police force either

Leafypage · 27/12/2021 19:31

Get out like your life depends on it, if not for you, for the children. Sure it’s disappointing that he turned out to be such a nasty man but you deserve better than this.

bembridge11 · 27/12/2021 19:42

Please call the police and report him asap. You must take action and ensure the safety of you and your children

JSL52 · 27/12/2021 21:20

Another woman has been killed today.
Go to a refuge.
If you want to rent somewhere you can do it from there with help.
He's not fit to be in the police you must try and report him , now you know his ex was telling the truth and his parents are disgraceful for covering up for him.

inheritancetrack · 27/12/2021 21:30

Contact the police re the assaults. In domestic violence divorces the victim can get legal aid, so him having expensive lawyers isn't such an issue

Suzanne999 · 27/12/2021 21:35

No body made him do that. He chose to do it.
He’s violent and one step away from hospitalising you or worse.
Please leave. Call the police, report him for assault. They will photograph your injuries.
You are not safe, sweetheart, please leave.

Nillynally · 28/12/2021 08:17

He will kill you. Report him and remove you and your babies from him now.

Cheeeeislifenow · 28/12/2021 09:27

Op are you okay?

Original poster
Christmasturkey8888 · 29/12/2021 01:22

Hi yes sorry we all have covid pcrs yesterday positives this morning. He is back to being his charming self I don't feel in any immediate dangers as stupid as that sounds. But atm things are v calm I'm ok

OP posts:
NdujaWannaDance · 29/12/2021 04:39

Have you had a discussion with him yet about what happened or are you both avoiding it?

You say it's very calm now but is the conversation and the atmosphere normal? Is he trying to be being affectionate and jolly? Or is it bit frosty between you? Is he being sheepish?

timeisnotaline · 29/12/2021 04:45

Oh op you’re not safe at all. Please don’t be sucked in by him being nice briefly. Your children need you- a refuge is better than your being dead.

timeisnotaline · 29/12/2021 04:46

And just to add there’s nothing to talk about with him, you don’t have to try and discuss it and it won’t change him. He hit his last partner too, it’s all him. You just have to escape.

NdujaWannaDance · 29/12/2021 07:33

And just to add there’s nothing to talk about with him, you don’t have to try and discuss it and it won’t change him. He hit his last partner too, it’s all him. You just have to escape.

Of course. I hope it didn't sound like I was suggesting there should be a discussion where the OP gives him a chance to change. I just wondered if he'd attempted one.

I was interested in how he's been behaving since it happened. Whether he was carrying on completely normally as if nothing had happened, normal conversations etc, or whether he was rearful and contrite, begging for forgiveness, sheepish. Or whether things were calm and civil but with an underlying terrible atmosphere.

NdujaWannaDance · 29/12/2021 07:33

tearful

teaandchocolate1 · 29/12/2021 07:47

@Christmasturkey8888

Hi sorry just reading all the posts I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply. The bruise on my head I covered with make up and it's out in a bump but can cover it under my hairline kind of so no one noticed it. There were red marks around my neck but they faded my neck is sore and my shoulders are sore. I have a bruise/cut on my back as when he held me down his keys were In my back and I have a few bumps on the back of my head. The bruising on my arms I can cover with a long sleeve top so his family wouldn't have noticed any of them anyway.

I have taken photos of all what I can and u did get photos of the marks round my neck when they were there. I am scared of him I will leave believe me I will. I just need to get things sorted before I do I don't want to go live in a hostel with my kids. This house is in his name so I will be looking for a rental for me and my children and then I will go. I am so sore this morning and my brain is tired too I won't have another christmas like this

Thank you all again

Sorting out a rental will take time. I don't think that's time you have in your current situation. It's too dangerous.

If you went to a shelter with your kids, you would be safe. There are caring people there who would support you and you could sort out the rental and everything else from there.

Cactuslove · 29/12/2021 14:42

Hi @Christmasturkey8888 just checking in. Sorry about the positive PCR. Relieved to hear he's calmed a bit.. although obviously he is unpredictable.

What next steps are you thinking of making? Would it help to talk through anything?

Just checking in OP you're not on your own.

Redhotspicywine · 29/12/2021 15:00

Hey OP

Just to add to the chorus, you need to make a plan to leave safely and quickly.

Once things have escalated to choking it is very very likely that he will attempt to kill you and your baby and DS do not deserve to lose their mother to this man.

Please call Refuge or women’s aid and they will help you get out safely. Be aware that this is the most dangerous time for you, do not alert him that you are thinking of leaving. Get your important documents together and get to safety as quickly as you can.

Report him to the police, there is a high incidence of DV in the police force. You will be believed, none of this is your fault.

Momijin · 29/12/2021 15:20

Please call womens aid. It is good that he hit his ex wife because that is evidence that will help you be believed. Get seen whilst you still have bruising

Olliesocks · 29/12/2021 15:40

So he hit his ex, he’s strangling you to the point of blacking out when there are children present?
OP, he’s going to kill you one day soon if you don’t leave or kick him out. Please contact Womens Aid for help.

Dery · 29/12/2021 16:51

OP - please get out as soon as you possibly can in light of the positive COVID tests. This violence is serious and it's escalating and unfortunately his parents are comfortable with their son being dangerously violent so they won't help you. There is a very good chance this man will kill you and it could happen soon. You're no use at all to your children dead.

Aubree17 · 29/12/2021 16:55

You need to leave this awful man and you need help.

Do a local woman's refuge? They are there for your exact situation and can help you.

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