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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How does this happen to peoples lives

154 replies

Christmasturkey8888 · 26/12/2021 20:58

I just need to get this out the last two weeks I have been so stressed I am on the edge

Partner had boys night out last week came home
Stinking drunk (as he usually does any time he drinks) he woke during the night when the baby cried and tried to lift him I wouldn't let him and he threw me to the ground and started kicking me. I got away into the other room and he fell back to sleep. Next morning no recollection and shocker he had also got a girls number who he also had no recollection of. He doesn't hide his phone so I don't think he's having an affair.

Spent a week talking things through and I felt we had got things sorted and back on track. This morning we were rushing to leave to go to his parents and his DD came.

I was running behind and he put the baby and His DD into car and was helping my DS put his shoes on and shouted at me
Up the stairs to hurry up you fat slut.

I was raging as he wouldn't speak like that infront of his DD so why infront of my DS. He then brought him out to the car and came back in we argued and he pushed me to the ground, choked me for about 20 seconds. I got up and he kicked me again and pressed my face into the ground I have a black bruise on my head and my front teeth hurt. Then he choked me again I started screaming for help and he walked out.

I didn't want to let my kids down so I went to his parents and he ignored me all day. We're not home and I'm up in bed with the kids my body is sore I can't believe this is my life I'm a professional woman .

I'm scared he'll take the baby from me if I leave as he tells me I'm
Mad and i make him do this

OP posts:
Nefelibata86 · 26/12/2021 21:11

I’m really worried about you. Strangulation and new baby are huge indicators of significant risk. If safe I would contact police or at least womens aid. This is domestic abuse

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 26/12/2021 21:13

he threw me to the ground and started kicking me. shouted at me Up the stairs to hurry up you fat slut. he pushed me to the ground, choked me for about 20 seconds. he kicked me again and pressed my face into the ground I have a black bruise on my head and my front teeth hurt. Then he choked me again I started screaming for help and he walked out. he ignored me all day. my body is sore
This is all horrendous. The worst of it is he choked you. He is a dangerous man. He could easily kill you. You need to leave him carefully. You need to phone womens aid safely. Staying is not an option. You need to safeguard your children.

urgenthelpplsas · 26/12/2021 21:16

OP, I understand your concern.

Please know you have to leave so getting your ducks in a row might be a bit different to most.

  • TELL SOMEONE, you need evidence
  • document every incident - every bit of emotional abuse
  • photos of any physical abuse
  • try record any argument that becomes threatening just in case

Any evidence means he has no chance - please get out

RedBonnet · 26/12/2021 21:38

Is there anyone you can go to? Go now. If not phone the police and report it. Report it anyway. Does his dd live with you? If not then you can see he didn't take her away from her mum and he won't take your baby

SummerWhisper · 26/12/2021 21:43

Please take photos and email them to a trusted friend. Call 101 for advice NOW. Ask to deal with women officers only. Being a police man doesn't give him automatic protection. The prick is arrogant enough to believe it, but it doesn't. Make an appointment with your GP to get the injuries logged. Stay safe x

Yellowshirt · 26/12/2021 21:46

I'm male. I would never speak to a woman in that way. Even my Ex wife who I don't like. You need to get out immediately for yourself and your children.
My Ex wife would of smacked me in the face then kicked me out. And I would deserve it.

Offmyfence · 26/12/2021 21:46

Jesus fucking Christ! Call the police now, the police have to listen a covid they don't remind them of Wayne Couzems.

ImInStealthMode · 26/12/2021 21:51

Jesus OP, you need to leave NOW. Take your baby and get as far away from him as possible, and then report everything.

Him being a copper will make absolutely no difference, none. He's talking shit to intimidate you.

Lots of more practical suggestions above and more will no doubt follow, but please, please, please leave.

cocktailclub · 26/12/2021 21:52

Report the crime that has been committed. Get photo evidence while you have bruising (get the police to take the photos). Get some
Advice from a
Charity like Refuge. This will only get worse not better

teaandchocolate1 · 26/12/2021 22:00

You need to get out of this relationship now. Your life is at risk. Can you move on with your parents for now?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/12/2021 22:02

He told you he loved you. That isn't true.

He told you he wouldn't do it again (I expect). That wasn't true.

He told his employers he would not bring his profession into disrepute or break laws. That wasn't true.

He's a liar. Your baby will not get taken away.

You MUST at the very minimum record evidence of your injuries initially on your phone, hidden somewhere he can't get to them and ideally tomorrow at the doctors.

When it's his next shift I would go to a police station that is NOT his beat, report what's happened and say that you're concerned that it won't be treated as seriously because he is a police officer and that you will only be comfortable with a female police officer dealing with you at this stage. Tell as many safeguarding professionals as possible so the dots can be joined up and you have the best chance of someone, somewhere in a position of safeguarding responsibility becoming an advocate for you. Police, GP, your kids school, your MP. The more you show that you want to leave and are taking this seriously, the more support you will get and the LESS it will look like you aren't safeguarding your kids.

The only way you're the one letting your kids down is if you don't get them out of this environment. That sounds harsh, but that's the reality of this.

He's already escalated terrifyingly quickly.

Men who strangle their female partners are 6-7 more times likely to murder them. You must focus on that statistic.

He will likely turn on your daughter too at some point. And he will almost definitely turn on your son if he tries at any stage to protect you, because he will see him as a direct threat as a male.

Please, please, please don't stay with him. He is now 6-7 times more likely to murder you than even other domestic abusers.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/12/2021 22:02

@NothingIsWrong

Or rather, once you have phoned the police you need to insist it is escalated internally to professional standards. They should have a route to investigate their own officers that doesn't involve their peers.
Absolutely this, x1000.
groovergirl · 26/12/2021 22:05

He tried to kill you. Don't give him another chance.
Do you have a friend IRL who can go with you and your baby to the police?
There is heightened awareness about police off-duty behaviour after what happened to Sarah Everard. They will listen to you and take this very seriously.

Lorraineinherleggings22 · 26/12/2021 22:05

Sod keeping a diary? Call the police now and get out! Worry about the rest later..take it from someone who has been through the exact same thing (me). You will get help if you ask for it. Next time it could be worse and you're in hospital or dead and your baby is home alone with him. Imagine your child being alone with him and you're not there. Get out now, please please report and get out,go anywhere,just go

Georgeskitchen · 26/12/2021 22:12

Please get the police and get to a place of safety asap

Looneytune253 · 26/12/2021 22:13

There is no way on earth he would be able to take that baby from you. Ring the police, ring women's aid. You deserve better and he's got ZERO chance of keeping the baby.

AlternativePerspective · 26/12/2021 22:22

OP I’m going to be blunt. He won’t be able to take away your baby, but if you don’t leave him then social services quite possibly might.

You need to report him to the police and you need to leave. Not just for your sake but for your baby’s.

MNHQ
ClaraMumsnet · 26/12/2021 22:22

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.

Best wishes OP Flowers

TokyoSushi · 26/12/2021 22:27

Oh OP, this is absolutely awful and I'm so sorry this is happening to you. The ultimate goal is for you to report him and leave, he's an absolute disgrace. But if that feels too much for you just now at least take pictures and document everything that's happened as well as starting to research and make some plans to leave. Flowers

Tavelo · 26/12/2021 22:29

Get the wanktard locked up without removing ligature risks. So done with males like this. Can people stop aising feral men pls thanks v much

Original poster
Christmasturkey8888 · 26/12/2021 22:32

Thanks for all the advice I do want to leave I'm so tired.

I am called names all the time I'm constantly called fat (I'm a size 8) he tells me no one likes me calls me boring because I don't want to get drunk in the house when the kids are here. The hitting isn't new tbh but it wouldn't be as often has it has the last fortnight.

I will take all the advice I haven't told anyone IRL as I'm embarrassed another failed relationship

My ex was emotionally and mentally abusive but I didn't realise that until I left him over his affair and went to conselling. I promised myself I wouldn't be in this situation again and yet here we are

OP posts:
ImInStealthMode · 26/12/2021 22:35

@Christmasturkey8888 Thanks for coming back OP. Have you got people you can turn to in real life? If so then you must, tomorrow if possible.

There is no reason to be embarrassed. People who love you will only ever be glad that you're safe and happy. You're neither of those things right now, so please open up and let them (and us) help you get there x

thetinsoldier · 26/12/2021 22:36

Report him to the police. Choking is a significant red flag for going on to kill a woman.

You are not safe with him. He does not like you or respect you, and doesn't give a shit about your ds hearing him talking to you like that.

Who owns the house?

2bazookas · 26/12/2021 22:38

@Christmasturkey8888

He is a police man so has told me already it's my word against his
Not any more! Now any woman who makes a complaint about a policemen threatening her life is far more likely to be heard. Make a formal police complaint. Keep a diary, take pictures of all injuries.

His parents will probably be horrified he has hurt you ; you should have shown them the bruise and told them.

Ask his ex if she got the same treatment.

AnEpisodeOfEastenders · 26/12/2021 22:40

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