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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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How does this happen to peoples lives

154 replies

Christmasturkey8888 · 26/12/2021 20:58

I just need to get this out the last two weeks I have been so stressed I am on the edge

Partner had boys night out last week came home
Stinking drunk (as he usually does any time he drinks) he woke during the night when the baby cried and tried to lift him I wouldn't let him and he threw me to the ground and started kicking me. I got away into the other room and he fell back to sleep. Next morning no recollection and shocker he had also got a girls number who he also had no recollection of. He doesn't hide his phone so I don't think he's having an affair.

Spent a week talking things through and I felt we had got things sorted and back on track. This morning we were rushing to leave to go to his parents and his DD came.

I was running behind and he put the baby and His DD into car and was helping my DS put his shoes on and shouted at me
Up the stairs to hurry up you fat slut.

I was raging as he wouldn't speak like that infront of his DD so why infront of my DS. He then brought him out to the car and came back in we argued and he pushed me to the ground, choked me for about 20 seconds. I got up and he kicked me again and pressed my face into the ground I have a black bruise on my head and my front teeth hurt. Then he choked me again I started screaming for help and he walked out.

I didn't want to let my kids down so I went to his parents and he ignored me all day. We're not home and I'm up in bed with the kids my body is sore I can't believe this is my life I'm a professional woman .

I'm scared he'll take the baby from me if I leave as he tells me I'm
Mad and i make him do this

OP posts:
RhubarbCustardy · 26/12/2021 23:25

Im so upset for you.

Embarrassed or dead? What would you prefer? Apart from anything, you're putting your children at risk by staying with this waste of space. Speak to someone in rl that you trust. He's gaslighting you. He's manipulated you to the point that you're thinking straight. Eg. You know that size 8 isn't fat.

Get help. Get out. Doesn't matter that hes a policeman. It will actually be more difficult for him because of this. (I know this via a friends similar experience and money won't make a difference either). He will shitting himself once you report him.

Take of yourself and your kids. Tomorrow. Don't wait until until you're another statistic.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/12/2021 23:27

You really must leave and get medical attention ASAP. Some info on delayed effects of manual strangulation:

Women who survive strangulation are up to seven times more likely to go on to die at the hands of their partner, according to recent studies in the US.
And there are side effects that aren't always obvious to treating doctors, paramedics or police officers — everything from voice changes to blood clots, strokes and paralysis.
Survivors and medical professionals are now pushing for increased training and awareness around non-lethal strangulation — something they say could help save lives.

Law professor Heather Douglas has also heard of cases involving memory loss, loss of consciousness, anxiety, paralysis and miscarriage.
"Gael Strack, who is an educator in the US around strangulation and prevention, describes it as the 'last warning shot'," she says.

When somebody has been choked, it's not always obvious to first responders.
Dr Vanita Parekh, the head of Clinical Forensic Medical Services at Canberra Hospital, says 50 per cent of people who report an attack will have no marks on their neck.
"About 35 per cent will have very minor marks, and 15 per cent will have enough injury to be photographed," she says.
Without appropriate training, she says, it can be "very difficult" to spot other signs of non-lethal strangulation — like memory loss and increased anxiety.

The injury from being strangled includes psychological injury (PTSD, depression, suicidal ideation, memory problems, nightmares, anxiety, severe stress reaction, amnesia and psychosis), neurological injury (facial or eyelid droop, left or right side weakness, loss of sensation, loss of memory and paralysis) and even delayed fatality.

While victims of strangulation may never lose consciousness and many regain it after losing it, that doesn’t mean that damage has not been done. Even the temporary lack of oxygen can cause brain damage and other life-threatening injuries.

“Most abusers do not strangle to kill. They strangle to show they can kill,” says Gael Strack and Casey Gwinn in the American Bar Association’s Criminal Justice. However, it is important to realize, “When a victim is strangled, she is on the edge of homicide.”
In fact, a study published in the Journal of Emergency Medicine found that women who survive strangulation by their partner are seven times more likely to be the victim of an attempted homicide, and eight times more likely to be a victim of homicide.

Always seek medical attention after a strangulation attempt, even if you feel like you haven’t suffered any lasting effects. There may be internal injuries that aren’t visible.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 26/12/2021 23:28

@Christmasturkey8888

He is a police man so has told me already it's my word against his
He has a vested interest in lying to you. You need to find a safe way out quickly, for your children's sake. I know that sounds impossible, but the choking is a really bad sign and this is escalating so fast. Is there somewhere you can go with your kids, a temporary safe place from which to ring women's aide? Or go to emergency department at local hospital? They could document any evidence of bruises, check your throats ok and you could call police and women's aide from there.
Helpstopthepain · 26/12/2021 23:32

Take photos of any injuries @Christmasturkey8888.
I’m sorry this is happening to you.

sherrytrifleforthewin · 26/12/2021 23:33

If leaving feels too hard (which is understandable) find a way to alert someone who can help you. This is not your fault. It will be hard and scary to leave but it will be harder and scarier to stay. You deserve better, everyone does, including your baby. Do it for your them if you can't find the motivation for yourself. All the best, well done for taking the first step

Dery · 26/12/2021 23:34

It’s not just your word, OP. Take photos of your bruises. Please follow the advice above re telling the police. Report to a different police station.

You are in terrible danger - he is being very violent and strangulation is regarded as a huge red flag for future murder. You are at great risk of being killed. After Wayne Couzins, decent police officers will have even less tolerance for this behaviour than they would have had previously.

Tell the police, tell social services, get yourself away as soon as you can. To a refuge if necessary. Keep this secret from him. Do NOT confront him or tell him you’re leaving. He will probably kill you if you do.

You can’t allow a bit of embarrassment to keep you where you are. You’re in danger and so are your children with a father who behaves like that. And remember you cannot look after your children if you’re dead. It’s that serious, OP.

SpookyScarySkeletons · 26/12/2021 23:38

Get out get out get out. This man has choked you twice (at least the two times you have told us about).

Ring family, if no family ring womens aid.

From what you have told us he did this man WILL kill you one day.

Please please please get out.

converseandjeans · 26/12/2021 23:39

He sounds awful. Is DD from a previous relationship? If so get in touch with his ex - his daughter should not be visiting if he's hurting & choking you.

Stay safe.

bluejelly · 26/12/2021 23:43

Please please call women's aid and get away ASAP. He is extremely dangerous.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 27/12/2021 00:16

There’s evidence that domestic violence is higher in police profession than many others - type of career that attracts power hungry authoritarians - obviously most police are amazing but there are those who are not so so not let that stop you reporting him. It may be your word against his but yours is a very powerful word. Please use it and get away from this life.

Cheeeeislifenow · 27/12/2021 00:25

Thinking of you op I am worried for your safety

DramaAlpaca · 27/12/2021 00:35

That was a shocking OP to read. You MUST leave this man. I fear for your safety if you don't.

Sid077 · 27/12/2021 00:46

Please call Women's Aid, no one should be treated like this. You and your child deserve so much better. Leave this violent criminal behind. Flowers

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2021 00:51

The hitting isn't new tbh but it wouldn't be as often has it has the last fortnight

It is escalating.

He had his hands around your throat.

Next time he could kill you.

When he hasn't got you to knock around, just the kids, who will protect them?

SpookyScarySkeletons · 27/12/2021 08:37

@Christmasturkey8888

He is a police man so has told me already it's my word against his
In light of recent events complaints and accusations of assault towards police officers are being taken extremely seriously.

Please report him and get away from.

This man WILL kill you one day if you stay.

grapewine · 27/12/2021 08:44

@Christmasturkey8888

He is a police man so has told me already it's my word against his
Why am I not surprised. You need to leave, OP. He could kill you.
Rainbowqueeen · 27/12/2021 08:50

You poor love. Please seek help urgently.

You will be believed and you will be free. I understand that you might feel worried about approaching the police. What about your gp, pharmacy or womens aid. I wish you all the best

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 27/12/2021 08:52

Since he's a police officer and if the SE case taught us anything is that coppers will protect each other, you want to try and document as much proof as you can.
Take pictures moments after each attack (helps you track the dates as well as this will be stored in the pictures meta data), and then take pictures a day or so later as bruising doesnt appear straight away.
If he starts shouting at you, start recording it on your phone (so he can't see and escalate the situation). Do not let him be around your DD on his own. I read this as DD isn't his daughter? Keep him far away from her. He's proven himself to be vicious and you wouldn't forgive yourself if he attacked her.
Speak to a trusted friend/doctor/woman's aid or someone so there is a record.
The fact his family has money is irrelevant.

stressedy · 27/12/2021 08:54

please
please please leave thisan before he kills you.

LunaTheCat · 27/12/2021 08:58

Sweetheart you must take your baby and go - this man will kill you.

JennyForeigner · 27/12/2021 09:01

No, it wouldn't. I am a lawyer and work for free with local domestic abuse charities. You would have wonderful people on your side who have seen this hundreds of times before and will keep you and your children safe day by day. Find a service online and call today.

If you stay your children are in danger too. Act for them.

JennyForeigner · 27/12/2021 09:02

@JennyForeigner

No, it wouldn't. I am a lawyer and work for free with local domestic abuse charities. You would have wonderful people on your side who have seen this hundreds of times before and will keep you and your children safe day by day. Find a service online and call today.

If you stay your children are in danger too. Act for them.

Sorry - this was a reply to OP saying her abuser has a lot of money and would lawyer up while it would be her alone. Not sure why that isn't apparent.
MintJulia · 27/12/2021 09:04

Him being a policeman makes absolutely no difference. You have bruises. His violence is escalating. Please get out now for you and your children's safety.

Go to your family, then to the police. Do not allow this to happen. You are a competent professional woman, you will cope, I promise you. xx

Yuledo · 27/12/2021 09:06

You need to act now whilst there is physical evidence. Take photos and get seen today at a doctors if possible someone independant needs to see those marks.

2irishmums2be · 27/12/2021 09:09

Sp sorry this is happening. You really need to gather the evidence,write it down or text it to a trusted friend. If possible bring gruend with you to police station. You need to get out of there for your own safety

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