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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband wants a career change

129 replies

OwZ321 · 18/12/2021 04:44

My husband rushed through all his exams to be an accountant and he's now decided he wants a career change.

He seems to always be unhappy at work, frequently changes jobs and moans a lot.

We've been together for 8 years and he's had 5 job changes in that space of time. He always finds something to moan about something with work, it's usually his managers but with his current job he has decided that being an accountant is not for him and he's bored with working from home on a computer. He started working there during covid, he's only been working there for a year.

My husband has now decided he wants to join the police, he's never once told me in the 8 years we've been together this is the path he wants to go down. He's applied and starts in January, I have expressed to him a million times how I'm really not happy with him joining and the timing of it all. I have asked him if he would wait a few years as our youngest is only 12 weeks and he has refused and continued with his application.

To be honest I'm so annoyed and exhausted with it all. We have 4 kids together, 7 year old, 6 year old, 20 month old and 12 week old. We live in his hometown and my family live 1hr30mins drive away, we only have support from his mum who lives close by and that's not very forthcoming.

Working for the police will mean he will have to work unsocial hours, horrible shift work and a £6k pay cut when we are already struggling financially.

He has made it perfectly clear this is what he wants to do and nothing is going to change his mind, he even handed in his notice yesterday. Whenever I talk about it, he makes me feel bad and says he doesn't understand why I'm so upset about it.

I'm also a community nurse part time but currently on maternity leave. My job requires me to work 2 weekends a month and I don't know how I'm going to do that with him working a lot of weekends also.

I would move closer to family and consider leaving him but I can't afford to live closer to family as they are on the outskirts of London and its way too expensive.

I'm just looking for some advice please and others views.

OP posts:

IHateCoronavirus · 18/12/2021 04:53

Maybe counselling for him to find out what is going on with the indecisiveness regarding work.

Elbie79 · 18/12/2021 05:10

Yes if this was a long wished for career change it might be the supportive thing to suck up less money and shift work. But there's clearly a major issue with his approach to work - moving jobs that many times is mad.

It's really concerning that he doesn't listen to you when you raise concerns and thinks decisions that will affect the whole family hugely are his to make alone. I also really don't like you having the feeling that you won't be able to do all of your job after mat leave because of his choices. That's just unacceptable. He's being selfish and irresponsible. You're right to feel as frustrated as you do.

I agree with PP that counselling is the way to go. But I'd start with joint counselling as this is a relationship issue. Many people offer it online now so hopefully you can make it work despite all the family responsibilities. Do try to, you shouldn't have to put up with this and, I don't want to generalise but, you may well find that the culture of working in the police does not assist with his dismissive approach to you - get in now with improving communication with the help of a counsellor in the hope of warding off yet more difficulties.

Lotusmonster · 18/12/2021 05:24

Aside from the career shenanigans, what's his general behaviour like at home? I'm actually wondering if your DH might have some underlying MH condition ...?

Original poster

OwZ321 · 18/12/2021 05:38

I have asked him to do couples counselling a few times and he's declined. He does suffer with his mental health and seems to be pinning his cure on joining the police.

Last month when he thought it might be impossible to join he started turning on me saying "you're the one that wanted this expensive house, and that's why I'm stuck in my job", "all my problems are your fault" and "I wish we didn't have so many kids". He did apologise and said he's feeling really low but it's all becoming exhausting. I have asked so many times for him to see the GP but said he doesn't want to because "all they do is give you pills and it ends up on your record". Our relationship isn't great at all, having 2 under 2 is challenging on any relationship let alone adding a career change into the mix.

The money really isn't an issue for me, but going solo on so many weekends and dragging 4 children around on my own to clubs they do in the week will be challenging. Im also anxious it's going to affect the kids. It's just not great timing.

OP posts:

Original poster

OwZ321 · 18/12/2021 05:49

@Lotusmonster

Aside from the career shenanigans, what's his general behaviour like at home? I'm actually wondering if your DH might have some underlying MH condition ...?

Yea he does suffer with his mental health but won't seek help and keeps a lot of it bottled up. He goes running quite a lot and usually says that helps. He use to work in a debt collection call centre and said he hated speaking to the general public etc. He's also an introvert and doesn't social with his friends, his mum seems to think joining the police with effect his mental health even more, and I agree.

OP posts:

ImmutableSexQueen · 18/12/2021 05:53

Purely anecdotal but my experience of accountants is that they flit between jobs, so perhaps that isn't unusual.

Can you downsize? Is there anywhere you could get support? I knew someone whose mum stayed over a couple of nights a week to help with childcare - would that work for you?

I know anyone can have a rant, but blaming all his troubles on you does sound like the start of The Script.

MsTSwift · 18/12/2021 05:54

Why did you have so many kids?

Original poster

OwZ321 · 18/12/2021 06:00

@MsTSwift

Why did you have so many kids?

Because we wanted to. We both always wanted a big family, I didn't really predict this would happen. If Im being honest maybe if I knew I wouldn't have had so many.

OP posts:

DBI78 · 18/12/2021 06:00

I've no issue with people switching jobs, some people are not suited to the 'job for life" mantra. But it does have to work with your family life. It's unreasonable of him to make a big change that's going to impact on you and kids so much. And tbh working a stressful pressured role is unlikely to help his mental health. It sounds like he's trying to fix his mh problems from the outside which won't work he needs to look at why he has mh issues band get some help.

Marchingredsoldiers · 18/12/2021 06:04

I am going to go against the grain here and say i would support him. I hate my job and feel trapped because of the money. It is very bad for your mental health. Worse if you then make financial commitments based on this hated job.

If you engage with him rather than opposing him maybe you can get some practical compromises to help you out. Could you move somewhere closer to your family? Move somewhere cheaper to lessen the load and help pay for support with the house/kids? Could you put a roadmap in place so you can both evaluate how things are going after 2, 6 and 12 months?

Make him realise that he has to consider the whole family in his decision. But that probably won't happen if he feels you are against him.

GoodnightGrandma · 18/12/2021 06:07

He’s a selfish bastard, and I bet he’ll soon be moaning about this job too.
Sounds like he won’t like any job he ever does.
I’d be kicking his arse out and as I bet you’ll have a less stressful life without him.

Iggly · 18/12/2021 06:07

@MsTSwift

Why did you have so many kids?

Pointless question as you can’t put them back.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/12/2021 06:11

I would be getting my ducks in a row. He sounds like he will never be happy. He isn’t doing the work needed to get happy. He is just chasing after the mythical unicorn that will make him happy.

My first thought when I read your post was that he wants to avoid domestic life and joining the police with the irregular hours will allow him to do that. I’d insist that once the training is over that he applies for a post closer to your family and move.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 18/12/2021 06:14

Why did you have so many kids?

Ah, there you go, OP. Just jump in your time machine and have less kids, problem solved!

On a serious note, I agree with the PP who mentioned moving closer to your family. I know you said they live in an expensive area but is there anywhere near by that would still get you closer than you are now? And how much support would they provide? If they would be willing to help with childcare you could go back to work full-time.

Iggly · 18/12/2021 06:30

OP, your DH could have considered different options in accountancy instead of just running away to be honest.

He could also consider staying in this career for a bit, and also finding time and space to do things he enjoys as well.

It seems like he’s trying to make his career fit him and actually we don’t always have that luxury.

Aprilx · 18/12/2021 06:35

@ImmutableSexQueen

Purely anecdotal but my experience of accountants is that they flit between jobs, so perhaps that isn't unusual.

Can you downsize? Is there anywhere you could get support? I knew someone whose mum stayed over a couple of nights a week to help with childcare - would that work for you?

I know anyone can have a rant, but blaming all his troubles on you does sound like the start of The Script.

I am an accountant of thirty years and I don’t think it is normal to flit between jobs. Five jobs in eight years would be extraordinary, look very bad on the CV and actually it would tell me “here is somebody that is not happy in their career choice”.

We spend a long time in the workplace, if he is not happy, I think OP you should support him in making a change. My concern in this place is not the change bit whether he has put enough thought into what to change to, feels like he did it a bit on a whim.

Original poster

OwZ321 · 18/12/2021 06:37

@Marchingredsoldiers

Make him realise that he has to consider the whole family in his decision. But that probably won't happen if he feels you are against him.

I have told him I'll try and support him as best as I can but it's going to be a struggle on us all. In regards to making him realise he has to consider the whole family, he always says he doesn't understand why I'm making it such a big deal and it will be fine. He said he's going to ask his mum if she can look after the younger 2 once a week to help with childcare fees.. She doesn't work but I'm not convinced she'll say yes, she loves the kids but I think she suffers with anxiety.

She was really worried about having the 20month old once a week when I returned to work after mat leave last time.

Moving closer to family would be great but I just can't see us being able to afford it with a pay cut and now I'm working part time. We would only be able to afford a 2 bed flat and with 4 kids that's not ideal.
I'm going to do some more research and see if there might be any possibility.

OP posts:

Eleganz · 18/12/2021 06:39

This is a relationship issue and not a DH career issue. He is making big decision without discussing them properly with you, he does not listen to you, he blames you for things not going well in his life that you have no control over, he refuses to take his share of responsibility for jointly made decisions, he refuses to seek help to improve your relationship.

I suggest it is ultimatum time, he either starts working with you to.imprive your relationship or you start figuring out what life apart looks like.

Original poster

OwZ321 · 18/12/2021 06:40

When we was younger he spent 8 months in the army before quitting, which he regrets. I think he believes, joining the police will help heal those wounds if that makes sense.

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 18/12/2021 06:46

I really don’t believe he will settle in any job. You need to decide if you’re going to support these constant job changes.
Think about what you want for YOU.

TrufflesAndToast · 18/12/2021 06:46

@Eleganz

I suggest it is ultimatum time, he either starts working with you to.imprive your relationship or you start figuring out what life apart looks like.

100% this.

MissTrip82 · 18/12/2021 06:48

I understand why he doesn’t want to be an accountant but wow I really really wouldn’t think that regular night shift and exposure to trauma would help mental health.

Regardless, retraining has to be a joint discussion in a family with children to raise.

AgentJohnson · 18/12/2021 06:59

You say if you would have predicted that this could have happened then you probably wouldn’t have had so many kids but given his behaviour and nature in the 8 years you’ve been together, it couldn’t have been a surprise. It’s time to take the blinkers off.

He sounds immature, entitled and selfish and waiting for the non entitled version of him to show up, is why you are in this position with four kids. When he says you aren’t supportive, he means how dare you challenge his unilateral decisions which effect you and his children. The chances are his Police career will be short lived too.

I think you need to accept that this is who he is and the price for staying with him is his reluctance to factor you or his children in his decision making.

Okbutnotgreat · 18/12/2021 07:03

I know you say he has mental health issues @OwZ321, there’s no way he could have ADHD is there?

Adult DD has just been diagnosed and an inability to stay in a job and make impulsive moves all the time with no thought to consequences is a big part of her issues. She desperately wants to find the right job but her mind is always onto the next thing.

HowlyScowly · 18/12/2021 07:03

If he's an introvert and doesn't like talking and dealing with the general public, god knows how he will handle being in the police

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