Husband wants a career change

[OwZ321]

My husband rushed through all his exams to be an accountant and he's now decided he wants a career change.

He seems to always be unhappy at work, frequently changes jobs and moans a lot.

We've been together for 8 years and he's had 5 job changes in that space of time. He always finds something to moan about something with work, it's usually his managers but with his current job he has decided that being an accountant is not for him and he's bored with working from home on a computer. He started working there during covid, he's only been working there for a year.

My husband has now decided he wants to join the police, he's never once told me in the 8 years we've been together this is the path he wants to go down. He's applied and starts in January, I have expressed to him a million times how I'm really not happy with him joining and the timing of it all. I have asked him if he would wait a few years as our youngest is only 12 weeks and he has refused and continued with his application.

To be honest I'm so annoyed and exhausted with it all. We have 4 kids together, 7 year old, 6 year old, 20 month old and 12 week old. We live in his hometown and my family live 1hr30mins drive away, we only have support from his mum who lives close by and that's not very forthcoming.

Working for the police will mean he will have to work unsocial hours, horrible shift work and a £6k pay cut when we are already struggling financially.

He has made it perfectly clear this is what he wants to do and nothing is going to change his mind, he even handed in his notice yesterday. Whenever I talk about it, he makes me feel bad and says he doesn't understand why I'm so upset about it.

I'm also a community nurse part time but currently on maternity leave. My job requires me to work 2 weekends a month and I don't know how I'm going to do that with him working a lot of weekends also.

I would move closer to family and consider leaving him but I can't afford to live closer to family as they are on the outskirts of London and its way too expensive.

I'm just looking for some advice please and others views.

This sounds like a huge mess to me. His mental health is the key problem which he is both refusing to tackle and using as an excuse to make impulsive unilateral decisions. He can't or won't cope with looking at how this will impact you and the children, so no rational discussion can be had. Even saying his mother can look after the youngest two one day a week is like dropping a pebble in a pond , even if she is up for it, which likely she won't be. Two babies / toddlers are hard work. How does that support you through him working weekends? He is blaming you because he is in too deep in this mess and that's his only strategy for off loading.

A father in a relationship should be able to make decisions after taking into account the family's needs. It doesn't mean he has to suffer in a job he hates (I've known lots of accountants who hate the job) but he needs to approach it in a different way. It is very unfair on you.

But you can't control or change him, so you are going to need to take charge of your own life. I imagine that will be very hard with 4 children but there will be a way. Good luck.

Your husband sounds similar to me in terms of not being able to make a decision, flitting between things, suddenly becoming obsessed with a certain thing and going all in etc etc could it be possible your husband has adhd?

One positive thing about the police is when he gets itchy feet there loads of different roles so he can move about but stay in the same environment. There's also roles that his financial background would be an advantage.

He’s not spoken to any police officers. He’s not done much research into the role. He’s got a patchy job history mostly not related to police work. He’s got mental health issues. He doesn’t do well working with people and is introverted.

Police jobs are competitive.

How on Earth did he get this job? Are you sure he did?

I'm a finance director who also spent ten years in the special constabulary.

The jobs could not be further apart.

Not sure how flaky MH is compatible with this change.

Seems a shame to throw the qualification away.

I run the finances for 2 secondary schools. There is more to accountancy than messing pissing about with a plumbers invoices etc.

Seems dramatic..

I read through this again and he has given notice to quit his job and says he starts police training on the 1st.

It says it can take several months to go through the process of being selected.
Background checks, physical tests, physical and mental exam, etc.

He would have had to apply a few months ago.

Did you know he applied?

This is a difficult one OP— I think he probably wasn’t suitable for being an accountant, although if one of my police force relatives is anything to go by certainly has a way with black and white thinking that fits a certain kind of police force mindset (apologies to any lovely liberal, open minded police or partners on here— I’ve just not encountered it) . I’ve done a lot of jobs in my life, although been in same industry for last 18 years. They ‘all’ have upsides and downsides and if he’s looking for the perfect job, chances are it won’t materialise. I suspect with you saying he regretted leaving the army it may be that even as an introvert, he actually prefers a more out and about job rather than being plonked in front of a PC all day. He ‘may’ like it— the big issue is shiftwotk doesn’t work if you are both doing it unless you have a very supportive family on hand— so it may be time to see what level of support your family can offer— it may be none! 4 kids is a big ask of anyone— it may make more sense for you to look for a working from home job for a while with a bit of childcare provision and see how it goes— if this too turns to shit I would have a serious think on the relationship as I don’t think you or your children are ever going to come first

Don't worry, you'll be divorced in a few years if he's a police man.... he won't be around much and the 4 days he has off he will be tired and they'll fall on shit days.

I don't know if all forces work in the same way, but where I live the police work back to back varying shifts, so in the same week they will have overnight shifts, earlies and lates. I can only imagine how bad this is for health and routine. My neighbour seems to have his curtains and blinds permanently drawn when he's home - I'm assuming catching up on sleep, great if you're a bachelor, not so much if you have a family to take care of...

@RantyAunty

I read through this again and he has given notice to quit his job and says he starts police training on the 1st.

It says it can take several months to go through the process of being selected.
Background checks, physical tests, physical and mental exam, etc.

He would have had to apply a few months ago.

Did you know he applied?

Yes I was wondering how true/real it is. OP are you 100% sure he has a confirmed training place and start date?

The criteria and application process for most forces is pretty rigorous and competitive. Someone with an unexplainable unstable work history, a personality who struggles to deal with people and demonstrates the sorts of behaviours described by the OP would certainly flag up in the testing and interview process. At least for further investigation.

And even if he really has made it through, the drop out rates in training are fairly high as people discover the reality and realise it's not really for them after all. Or the employer makes that decision for them.

It does sound like he is struggling but can't see that. For the OP, there are not many choices.

Stick it out, be supportive and see how it goes, despite the huge effect on her life and the family finances..

Change her life and act like a single parent even if he is still living with the family.

Ask him to leave and be an actual single parent. He gets the kids around his work pattern (assuming he really is joining the police)
Go nuclear and move back with the kids closer to family, with or without him.

He may or not have mental health issues - if he won't see a doctor it's not diagnosed. He might just be flaky and selfish and unsuited to being in a relationships and parenting a large family. Who knows. Even if he is struggling with his mental health or as ADHD or whatever, the reality is it's affecting the OP a great deal and she can't fix that alone. Whenever people have mental health/illness problems there tends to be massive judgement on MN if the partner decides they cannot continue to live with it. But supporting someone with mental illness is incredibly hard and eventually it's OK to make decisions for your own wellbeing and that of any children.

I think the shift patterns are something your dh really needs to think about. Shift patterns and times etc vary by area, but an example would be:

6 days on - 2 earlies (e.g. 6am-4pm), 2 lates (e.g. 4pm-Midnight) and 2 nights (e.g. 10pm - 6am). Followed by 4 days off.

Not really conducive to family life, unless the other parent is stay at home/part time. On the positive side police do get a chunk of time off e.g. four days. The bad is at least one of those days will be a write off due to catching up on sleep.

There’s a lot going on here.

• I too suspect a bit of ADHD. Might be worth getting assessed as that isn’t a barrier to employment unlike mental illness and is for most people easily manage with medication.
• Liking your job is important. You don’t have to love or enjoy it, but it has to be at least bearable, some people take longer to find out what that job is. So he deserves support in that respect.
• Encourage him once in police to look into transferring to fraud investigations. They are begging for people with accountancy skills as most fraud is done by organised crime doing money laundering and you can’t spot that’s unless you’re trained in forensic accountancy. This would be a higher paid police job with regular 9-5, M-F schedule. So think of this entry into the police as a stepping stone.
• When can you return to work FT? Can you adjust your career to be more sociable? Ie be a mental health nurse instead of ward nurse?

-How much is £6k pay cut compared to total income? Would it make you eligible for UC top up? Tax credits? Free school meals? -Do any children have special needs? Can you apply for DLA?

My fried. Is a policewoman, if he thinks accounting is difficult and stressful he won't even get through the training in the police force

Unfortunately if he is not going to be a stable and consistent resource in your kids' lives, you will have to be and that means you going fulltime. Also, do you have to move this year? If I were you I would avoid too much expense! You've enough on your plate paying for 4 kids. That's going to be extremely expensive.

@OwZ321

I have just spoken to him and said I would like to have a good look at moving back closer to family, I'll work full time to help. His response was “no, we can't afford it. Why do you find it so difficult to look after your kids? Any other mum just gets on with it, I don't understand why you find it so hard". My response was fine I'll look about moving on my own he responded "you won't be able to afford it, stop moping around and be proactive in your decision making". How can this possibly work, whenever I bring it up and automatically defensive, dismissive and rude.

I was actually feeling a bit of sympathy for him, as well as you, until this point. I could see how he might have felt pressured and lost and unappreciated. But here, you've done all you can, offered to work full time with four kids so he can fulfil the career dream that isn't the best choice fit the family, and he's thrown it back at you with insults and the statement that he thinks raising four kids is easy and you should just sit down, shut up and do as he says with a smile, whatever the cost to the family.

That's concerning and the career stuff is just a manifestation of the problem.

Sorry if I didn't explain clearly, he handed his notice in last week and starts with the police middle of January.

The recruitment process was heavy but progressed quite quickly. Throughout it he kept telling me its really unlikely he would get in and I didn't really take it too seriously.

I never really thought he might had ADHD, I'll have to research it a bit more. His whole shut up and put up with it attitude is really starting to grate on me. I can't blame his constant dismissive and defensive attitude on MH

I've got a lot of thinking to do. To be honest I'm not very happy in my relationship anymore. He does know that and we've been trying to work through it. I'll just have to have a really good think and work through my options.

I feel really sorry for you, he dosnt seem have any plan for shift work at all. 4 kids under 7 is massive ask even if you pay through teeth for it. Is he expecting you to get into debt for this for few years? Or secretly expect you to be one asking work to sort shifts every month? It’s to late now if he’s going into training but seems massive practical gap in how you will cope as a family

@Akire

I feel really sorry for you, he dosnt seem have any plan for shift work at all. 4 kids under 7 is massive ask even if you pay through teeth for it. Is he expecting you to get into debt for this for few years? Or secretly expect you to be one asking work to sort shifts every month? It’s to late now if he’s going into training but seems massive practical gap in how you will cope as a family

I have to go back permanent for at least 3 months due to taking NHS mat pay.

He's asked if I can go back to my current job for 3 months and then work bank shifts around his shifts and kids school holidays etc. If not then yes speak to my work and ask them to give me weekend shifts when he's not working weekends.

So he's expecting you to give up the security of a permanent job and muck up your career prospects to work bank shifts and weekends to facilitate his endless job changes when he gives you no thought or support? Screw that, don't do it OP, especially if you are thinking that this marriage isn't what you want for the future

I can relate to both sides of your dilemma and thought I'd share some of my story with you.

I am a mum of 3 married to a Police Officer who was already in the job when we met, so I am well aware of what impact the job has on relationships, and family life. I understand that is hard to juggle it all. Keeping the children quiet whilst sleeping off nights, missing birthdays and social events are the negatives, However there are lots of pluses to the job, you'll find due to his shifts he can probably be more hands on during the days and help out with school runs etc.

So, at 37 I decided that I would have a career change, I applied to become a Police Officer without the support of my husband. This didn't go down well and he was unsupportive and was unhappy more so because of the impact it would have both juggling shifts/kids, being off late, wanting to keeping me safe and I think there were insecurities about working in a predominantly male environment and he was worried about the risk it could have on our marriage. It caused a lot of tension, arguments and upset. To the point I nearly backed out last minute. Had he of convinced/guilt tripped me into withdrawing from the process I think eventually our marriage would have broken down.

I've not long got out of training, which I struggled with because it was so full on and having all the 'mum jobs' to do when I got home. I never felt I had time off. However, considering how unsupportive my husband was, he has turned a huge corner and been my rock and got me through the training and told me how proud he is, something that I never thought would happen. I honestly believed that when I started this journey it might end my marriage. It may make your marriage stronger, because your husband might feel happier knowing he is 'making a difference' to peoples lives, it puts things into perspective when you see how other people live and how good you've got things. It is a hugely rewarding career.

I took a large paycut and again I won't lie it has impacted on us, we're about £500 down a month but, I know there is career progression and my pay will go up rapidly and there is shift allowance after training. We've had to cut back on luxury items/take aways etc.

I'm an introvert too, and don't like socialising but I know I'm getting paid to do a job and have no issues talking or dealing with people. The police need a variety of personalities to problem solve and deal with different situations, so he may well flourish.

We too are in the same boat reference childcare and have lack of family support, the Police are now more family friendly and accept flexible working patterns, albeit he will have to do his fair share of shifts but it may help you with your role.

I can only suggest however hard it is, talk through your concerns and be honest with one another, it's such a huge change for you both, but it could be an unexpectedly positive one? It might make you both so much stronger when you've adapted to the change.

Please feel free to message. It will all be okay, go with the change, it might be for the better....

@HowlyScowly

If he's an introvert and doesn't like talking and dealing with the general public, god knows how he will handle being in the police

Plus mental health issues....I predict he would even get through the training

Have you thought about what you'll do if he quits after a year?

It's seems he is putting everything on you to sort out too.

Thank you so much for your message @Tiger120. It's definitely refreshing hearing it from your point of view.

I'm going to try to support him through the training the best way I can. We've never been in such a low point in our relationship, I am just hoping things can only get better.

I'm really not completely against it, I think I'm just more frustrated with his attitude towards me. Hopefully once he's joined he'll be happy and that would reflect on our marriage and family life.

@RantyAunty

Have you thought about what you'll do if he quits after a year?

It's seems he is putting everything on you to sort out too.

I don't think I would be able to cope! Another job change would tip me over the edge lol the anxiety of what if he doesn't pass probation really isn't fun.

I understand you wanting to support him.
Please think of yourself too. You have a good career that you've worked hard for.