Husband wants a career change

[OwZ321]

My husband rushed through all his exams to be an accountant and he's now decided he wants a career change.

He seems to always be unhappy at work, frequently changes jobs and moans a lot.

We've been together for 8 years and he's had 5 job changes in that space of time. He always finds something to moan about something with work, it's usually his managers but with his current job he has decided that being an accountant is not for him and he's bored with working from home on a computer. He started working there during covid, he's only been working there for a year.

My husband has now decided he wants to join the police, he's never once told me in the 8 years we've been together this is the path he wants to go down. He's applied and starts in January, I have expressed to him a million times how I'm really not happy with him joining and the timing of it all. I have asked him if he would wait a few years as our youngest is only 12 weeks and he has refused and continued with his application.

To be honest I'm so annoyed and exhausted with it all. We have 4 kids together, 7 year old, 6 year old, 20 month old and 12 week old. We live in his hometown and my family live 1hr30mins drive away, we only have support from his mum who lives close by and that's not very forthcoming.

Working for the police will mean he will have to work unsocial hours, horrible shift work and a £6k pay cut when we are already struggling financially.

He has made it perfectly clear this is what he wants to do and nothing is going to change his mind, he even handed in his notice yesterday. Whenever I talk about it, he makes me feel bad and says he doesn't understand why I'm so upset about it.

I'm also a community nurse part time but currently on maternity leave. My job requires me to work 2 weekends a month and I don't know how I'm going to do that with him working a lot of weekends also.

I would move closer to family and consider leaving him but I can't afford to live closer to family as they are on the outskirts of London and its way too expensive.

I'm just looking for some advice please and others views.

There’s a strong vibe of everyone and everything has to work around him. The police is totally not like that! Interesting that you need to make a job change to work around him. Why do you have to make a change from your job? Plus there are other implications e.g. lack of sick pay, loss of pension contributions

Can you cope on his new salary? Four kids while dad earns £22k seems worrying. I get he's unhappy in his job but aren't we all

On the other hand if he's been stuck WFH while you're home too it'll be really good to have some space while he's out at work.

I just can't see him sticking this out though, can you?

I would go back full time and tell him the kids are his responsibility and he can apply for flexible working around them. After all it’s not like the police is better paid than nursing.

Or alternatively divorce without the divorce where 50% of the week is his responsibility to sort childcare and 50% is yours. I recently proposed this to DH when I got fed up with his inflexible shifts (I also work shifts) . He needs to realise all the other dads manage to look after their kids without all this drama.

It’s fine to change jobs when you hate your job. It’s not fine to do so without considering the restraints having children (let alone four) place on your life. He should face exactly the same limitations on his working hours and job choices as you do and if he doesn’t something has gone wrong.

@Tiger120 what a lovely message— you have restored my faith that there are police who aren’t such black and white thinkers - despite my comment above !! Glad your H has proved supportive

Wow the wheels are going to come off his bus pretty quickly.
Police work is damn hard, stressful, emotionally and physically taxing, underpaid and under appreciated. The hours are long and he will yet again spend a tonne of time in front of a computer.

I'm all for supporting career change but he's unstable in his moving and bloody inconsiderate. Not only that, but he dismisses you and your work and input too.
I'd leave or at least start paving the way.
Awful.

Police training and work nearly killed one of my smartest and most durable friends who was a young single man a few years ago. It’s exhausting. Really hope the outcome isn’t bad for your partner, OP. Just letting you know the reality of it. I’d be focussing on yourself and the kids and setting up as much support for yourself as possible. Take care

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend OLDnightmare. Yes I am going to start making sure I'm prepared to leave if I need to. He really doesn't care or want to hear any of my concerns.

@OwZ321

I have just spoken to him and said I would like to have a good look at moving back closer to family, I'll work full time to help. His response was “no, we can't afford it. Why do you find it so difficult to look after your kids? Any other mum just gets on with it, I don't understand why you find it so hard". My response was fine I'll look about moving on my own he responded "you won't be able to afford it, stop moping around and be proactive in your decision making". How can this possibly work, whenever I bring it up and automatically defensive, dismissive and rude.

Just wow.

This says it all to me. He's useless and sees the kids as "yours" and that "you can't cope".

My partner asked if he's been listening to Loose Units podcast. Maybe he started listening to it while working? The guy often talks about career change into police force before it is too late and lots of listeners have? Although bear in mind his long career was in a different time and place.

I know it doesn't help your situation but might explain his sudden interest?

My friend's ex husband was like this - grass was always greener, never happy with anything he had. He had an affair which ended their marriage and that didn't last either. He's now doing something different again. He goes through life burning bridges, not caring who he hurts in the process.

I'd move back home. He has zero consideration for you and your children.

4 dc, a low paid job, unsupportive husband. You need a career change! Get yourself away from him. It sounds like you are completely on your own here. Losing the manchild would make your life a lot more pleasant.

I agree with sticking with him because you need him to support you now, but can you tell him you want to help make up the shortfall in salary and look to see retraining options. Get his dm to help with childcare whilst you do night school?

There's nurse roles that pay better can you look at how to climb the ladder from where you are.

You aren't going to want to be stuck with your awful dh when he finally gets the benefit of being in the police which is his pension.

@OwZ321

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend OLDnightmare. Yes I am going to start making sure I'm prepared to leave if I need to. He really doesn't care or want to hear any of my concerns.

Well them thats more than a good reason to leave.

"He really doesn't care or want to hear any of my concerns."

This is the worst part of it all. But maybe he truly believes it will work for him. You'll just have to wait and see, as if he is happier he might become less self absorbed. But do make your own plans in case everything goes pear-shaped.

OP I just want to say please please do not just go on the bank. Most trusts don’t accept bank work as nhs time worked and you won’t accrue more annual leave days, reckonable service etc. I did it and it means having been qualified and worked for nearly 17 years I still get the annual leave entitlement as if I’d worked 5-9 years. Also you aren’t entitled to occupational mat pay so if you ended up having another baby you’d be really stuffed.

I’ve gone back on the books in part so we can possibly have a baby.

Don't start swapping and changing your shifts to work around his. He's the one who's chosen this new role, fully aware of the problems the rotas will cause, and ignoring your concerns. He needs to be the one to flex around you (or find suitable childcare).

Of course he won't, but don't torpedo your job if you're on the brink of leaving him.

Yes. Make no work changes yourself and you do right to consider separating asap.

Your H is being U.

Policing is appalling for mental health and relationships, and not at all ‘family friendly.

I come from a police and military family and neither is good for mental health. If his mental health isnt robust now this career change could cripple him.

You and the DC cannot live on that salary. I would work full time and get myself in a position where I could manage without him. He sounds selfish and self absorbed. We've all been in jobs we hate but we've done them because our families needed the money.

Gosh this situation is brutal op. It also does not sound like a healthy partnership. I cannot imagine my dh making a decision like this without seriously working through the implications with me.

My dh is in the police but be was already in when we started seeing each other so I knew what I was getting into. Being married to a police officer isn't for everyone, the disruptions due to being on shifts is horrible with a family. My partner was on a 5 week rotation when on response. A set of early shifts (7am starts,) set of back shifts (2pm starts) and nightshifts (10pm starts). And that was week days, weekends the shifts were different. That's not even counting the times he was held on due to being on the scene of an accident or murder locus, doing paperwork or managing an arrest late on his shift. It wasn't unheard of for him to be expected hoke at 8am but not get back until 10 or 11am.

Early shifts were OK, backshifts were nice (I could binge on my TV shows!) But night shifts were a write off, out all night then sleep all day. I wouldnt see him for a week.
Add a young family in the mix and you are going to burn out without serious help or adjustments of everyone's expectations.

It works for us even with a young family, partly because he is no longer on response so less likely to be held on but also because I knew this was who he was. Whenever he wants to apply for a new role within the police he talks it through with me first. Pros cons and how it could potentially help his career in the long run.

I really worry for your relationship op, it doesn't seem like a 2 way partnership.

I agree it's definitely not a 2 way partnership. It's just a shame because we use to be such a good team, always had the same future goals and seemed to be on the same page. I'm not sure where it went wrong really. He seems to have become really selfish, always blaming me for his problems and telling me I have to just accept this new career change when I'm really struggling to find any benefits.

We told my 6 year old he'll be joining the police and that would be working nights and she cried because she said "I want my daddy to be able to kiss me every night before bed'.

He struggles to stay up past 9pm, and if he has a late night he's really grumpy. I'm not entirely sure how he would even manage those shifts.

The older two children have groups after school during the week for example rainbows and swimming on a Saturday, I'm dreading the thought of dragging all the kids out.

I'm also worried about the dangers of joining the police.

If he's always wanted to do it, then it wouldn't be such a surprise to me but this has come out of nowhere. He does listen to podcast mangowithasqueezeoflime, so maybe he's got the idea from that.. I don't know.

I really don't see much hope for us if I'm honest. I don't really want to be with someone that dictates to me, this is going to be my life and I need to just shut up and put up. I wouldn't describe life and great at the moment and during the last few weeks of pregnancy, he wasn't very nice to me either because I didn't agree with it.

With hormones added to the mix, I use to sit and cry about it all and our relationship and he wouldn't even comfort me.

He also has a habit of snapping at me and apologises the next day. I can't see much hope for our relationship if it's this crap now then how the hell would it survive this new career.

It won’t. You should get your ducks in a row to move on.

If you couldn’t afford housing nearer your family, are concerned about them living too far away from their father and/or your H would object legally, best plan for that to be where you currently live.

Sounds as though he has emotionally checked out of family life, especially with the comments about you wanting all the kids. Not good.

@OwZ321 I haven't read the last 2 pages of this thread but is swapping roles a possibility I.e. you working full time and then him being a stay at home dad?

He sounds like he needs a mental heath break from his job and being the bread winner in a job he hates (I agree with others that such a situation can be utterly soul destroying plus the stress it's causing is probably what's leading him to have these outbursts at you). The benefit will also be that he gets to experience first hand how full on 4 kids full time is and have a new found appreciation for what you're doing

@OwZ321 just seen your last post. I wouldn't give up on the relationship. You've both had a chaotic 8 years and have put a lot of stress on the relarionship. Stress can cause all kinds of problems. I would insist to him for you both to go for counselling. Sounds like his own mental health is spiralling downwards and he's desperately seeing his job change as a way out of his misery. Men can be very bad at handling their mental health due to societal and other pressures and is unfortunately why there is such a high suicide rate for me (and your husband is at a high risk age). If I were you, i would also suggest to him to go for individual counselling. Many workplaces for example offer 6 free sessions for employees and can access this quite quickly. He can also get referred by his GP.

All the best OP and congratulations on your baby

This sounds so tough @OwZ321I’m really sorry