Husband wants a career change

[OwZ321]

My husband rushed through all his exams to be an accountant and he's now decided he wants a career change.

He seems to always be unhappy at work, frequently changes jobs and moans a lot.

We've been together for 8 years and he's had 5 job changes in that space of time. He always finds something to moan about something with work, it's usually his managers but with his current job he has decided that being an accountant is not for him and he's bored with working from home on a computer. He started working there during covid, he's only been working there for a year.

My husband has now decided he wants to join the police, he's never once told me in the 8 years we've been together this is the path he wants to go down. He's applied and starts in January, I have expressed to him a million times how I'm really not happy with him joining and the timing of it all. I have asked him if he would wait a few years as our youngest is only 12 weeks and he has refused and continued with his application.

To be honest I'm so annoyed and exhausted with it all. We have 4 kids together, 7 year old, 6 year old, 20 month old and 12 week old. We live in his hometown and my family live 1hr30mins drive away, we only have support from his mum who lives close by and that's not very forthcoming.

Working for the police will mean he will have to work unsocial hours, horrible shift work and a £6k pay cut when we are already struggling financially.

He has made it perfectly clear this is what he wants to do and nothing is going to change his mind, he even handed in his notice yesterday. Whenever I talk about it, he makes me feel bad and says he doesn't understand why I'm so upset about it.

I'm also a community nurse part time but currently on maternity leave. My job requires me to work 2 weekends a month and I don't know how I'm going to do that with him working a lot of weekends also.

I would move closer to family and consider leaving him but I can't afford to live closer to family as they are on the outskirts of London and its way too expensive.

I'm just looking for some advice please and others views.

I'll be honest - you've been together for 8 years. You're married with 4 kids.
That sounds like everything moved really quickly. Have you ever actually really discussed what your family/careers/future would look like?

Was it you who put the pressure on for the big, expensive house and all the kids?

If you're struggling for money, is you going back to work earlier than planned an option? Can you go back full time to make up the difference in money?

Him working shifts will actually make childcare loads easier.

@Eleganz

This is a relationship issue and not a DH career issue. He is making big decision without discussing them properly with you, he does not listen to you, he blames you for things not going well in his life that you have no control over, he refuses to take his share of responsibility for jointly made decisions, he refuses to seek help to improve your relationship.

I suggest it is ultimatum time, he either starts working with you to.imprive your relationship or you start figuring out what life apart looks like.

100% this, I’ve changed jobs quite a lot (but with the same industry), normally for advancement / promotion/ pay rise, it’s not hurt my career at all, I did take a small pay cut once as I knew a particular role would give me more opportunities to advance.

What is he joining the police as? A response officer?

The shift work is horrific for family life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My partner is now a detective in the police so the shifts are a bit better, but he will regularly do 15+ hour shifts.

I hate that I'm alone of an evening, doing bedtime alone regularly. And then I will be alone all weekend quite often too, it's a very lonely lifestyle for the partner!

@girlmom21

I'll be honest - you've been together for 8 years. You're married with 4 kids. That sounds like everything moved really quickly. Have you ever actually really discussed what your family/careers/future would look like?

Was it you who put the pressure on for the big, expensive house and all the kids?

If you're struggling for money, is you going back to work earlier than planned an option? Can you go back full time to make up the difference in money?

Him working shifts will actually make childcare loads easier.

It's not really a big expensive house. It's a 3 bed semi that was in need to updating, in a nice area walking distance to the school. He would of preferred a 3 bed mid terrace at the other side of the town. I have to admit that I probably did put a bit of pressure on. We did speak about the future at a lot and this never came up.

We did move quickly and maybe that's why we've hit this patch and I'm struggling to find a way to resolve it all.

I might have to look at going full time and see if it can work with childcare, it's not something I wanted to do but I suppose we all have to adjust.

@PinkiePonk

What is he joining the police as? A response officer?

The shift work is horrific for family life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My partner is now a detective in the police so the shifts are a bit better, but he will regularly do 15+ hour shifts.

I hate that I'm alone of an evening, doing bedtime alone regularly. And then I will be alone all weekend quite often too, it's a very lonely lifestyle for the partner!

He wants to join as a response officer. I've had a look at the shifts and they are definitely not family friendly, they seem to be all over the place.

Wow people saying he might have MH issues or ltb. Op I am sorry because you do sound stressed and tired and I have 4 so know the craziness but at the same time using the word 'moans' means you stopped listening to him some time ago. Working in jobs that don't suit you is soul destroying. I'm lucky my faffing time was pre children but to hate something you spend 5 days a week at is hell. And at least he's moving to an actual job as opposed to 'I'm going to go do a 4 year degree that doesn't pay'. Talk it out with him but just try and see his side too

Yes they are all over the place. Response around here is 6 on and 4 off. Which doesn't fit in with every day life. You just have to rely on yourself for everything child related because he could be working a night and need to sleep the day before and day after... ! I only really started to hate the shift work since having our daughter as it really limits you. For example, I used to tutor of an evening, but can't do that now because I can't commit to one specific evening every week. I really feel for you.

I would look at planning your life like a single parent, as you can’t rely on him with the shift work. That may also mean moving and working full time.
He needs to realise that sacrifices need to be made by you both.

I empathise for your DH - sounds like an awful lot of pressure - 4 kids and poor MH and a job you hate and relationships issues. Maybe try and reconnect and work as a team to get through this hard time. He should be allowed to change job but two people on two jobs with antisocial hours sounds tough. Sorry you are going through a tough time.

Oh, and he needs to go to the GP. Nothing wrong with pills! He can come off them if he dislikes them.

If he hated speaking to the public in his role in debt collection, what on earth makes him think he’s suited to the police? They see way more trauma than people owing money!

I have just spoken to him and said I would like to have a good look at moving back closer to family, I'll work full time to help. His response was “no, we can't afford it. Why do you find it so difficult to look after your kids? Any other mum just gets on with it, I don't understand why you find it so hard". My response was fine I'll look about moving on my own he responded "you won't be able to afford it, stop moping around and be proactive in your decision making". How can this possibly work, whenever I bring it up and automatically defensive, dismissive and rude.

I think this is a DH problem.
As in he needs to see his GP and also get some counseling.
It's one thing to faff about doing whatever you want when you're single but he isn't and has 4 children to think of.

Did he say why he quit the army?

You either support him, and that includes him seeking counselling with any underlying MH, and also includes you looking for higher-paid/more work. Or you don't support him and leave.

You can't force him to stay in a job he doesn't want to be in.

I see this very differently and think you are being very unfair and unhelpful in the way you are viewing it. I totally understand because I do accounts, (not a qualified accountant) and I have seen many accounting jobs where people are treated like dirt.
But I also think there may be other reasons for his discontent. The way he spoke to you was not nice and is worrying.
Hmmm. I fear your problems may be only just beginning.

I can see why you aren't happy. Has he explained how he thinks you can make his shifts and your shifts work with childcare? If he is suffering with his mental health, and he doesn't like dealing with the public it sounds like a recipe for disaster! I'd be seriously looking at what options you have if you go it alone, as it doesn't sound like he is considering you as a family at all, just want he wants and needs as an individual.

Missed your last post. Oh dear, this seems to be getting worse.

I would wonder, if he is troubled getting on with people which can be why people keep changing jobs, why he thinks the police will be different. Getting on with colleagues,eg in close confines of car, van for long spells, taking instruction as you will be a subordinate for many years, dealing with the public. It sounds like the wrong thing for him.
Can he do counselling for why he leaves his jobs - face some home truths/ difficulties from his past - first, then look for new career.
Minorities and women are what most police forces look for first - he might not get a job.

I'm all for supporting spouses in career changes with DH and I having gone through a few ourselves, but he's being incredibly selfish, how on Earth will you both manage the childcare between you on shifts with FOUR children? He lost his right to just doing what he wants no discussion a long time ago and has to concede 4 children in particular limits you both.

My DH is the military so similar to the police in that it is very demanding on family life, not particularly flexible, we have no family nearby but I have an extremely flexible home based 9-5, M-F role to balance that out (still a fulfilling career though).

Oh OP I thought he sounded awful before your update and now he sounds like a fucking nightmare. Of course looking after 4 kids (including a 12 week old!) is difficult. I’m sure you love them all deeply but that doesn’t mean 4 young kids with only 1 extended family member for support is easy. Be proactive in decisions? What nonsense is that? He means - shut up, carry the load, be compliant and let me be proactive in my selfish, reactionary and irrational decision making. It’s not just the number of jobs he’s had but the extent of the change between them - he’s got 4 children needing care, he needs to give things a longer bedding in period and research change within his current sector rather than jump into a job that will make it really difficult for you to both to share childcare responsibilities. I’m really annoyed on your behalf that he is just taking himself out the equation with childcare and not only leaving it to you to sort but telling you to do it with a smile! I think you really need to research leaving now - houses within say a 30 min drive of your family would still make a big difference? Maybe search how to maximise your income with hours, jobs, promotions etc, any welfare entitlement online, what maintenance you can expect from your husband etc. Though how you’re meant to have the energy for that with all you currently have to do I don’t know. Sorry you’re going through this.

What about joining the police as a civilian accountant/finance officer? Then he could observe the culture and working practice and see if it fits. It would also give him an opportunity to assess where he might best fit in terms of role.

Given how oversubscribed the police are (or perhaps that’s changed), I’m a little bit surprised that someone with such a chequered employment history was picked.

Regardless, if he couldn’t / wouldn’t stick at the army, I don’t think he’ll last long. Does he have a fallback plan if it goes wrong? Do you?

@OwZ321

I have just spoken to him and said I would like to have a good look at moving back closer to family, I'll work full time to help. His response was “no, we can't afford it. Why do you find it so difficult to look after your kids? Any other mum just gets on with it, I don't understand why you find it so hard". My response was fine I'll look about moving on my own he responded "you won't be able to afford it, stop moping around and be proactive in your decision making". How can this possibly work, whenever I bring it up and automatically defensive, dismissive and rude.

Your response to me was fair and rational and it was nice to see but now I think he's a cock. He can't have it all ways. He can't provide for the family if he's taking massive pay cuts and if you need family support to make up the difference in earnings that's because of his decisions.

Is he always so dismissive towards you?

He's been planning this move into policing for ages, surely - it takes quite a long time to apply, be accepted, go through vetting and then get a start date on a training course. I wonder if you were hoping that he'd get fed up long before this, and start looking for something more appropriate - I think that would have been my reaction, were I in your shoes.

He sounds totally unsuited to policing, so he may well move on again in a short time frame. However I think you need to see him as an unreliable support, and start making your own plans that may or may not involve him. Did you work before you had children? Could you go back to a similar job at some point?

Think he’s telling you he’s not ok but currently can’t see a way out. He’s also faced with the fact that in our culture men are supposed to tough it out and just get on with things- as seen by some of the responses on here.
Taking a drop in income may be a small price to pay.
I’ve been in a situation where my mental health was being affected by my work. I gave up with no job to go to and found something else a month later. I’ve been in my new role a few years now but my children still talk about what it was like during that time. I was stressed, frustrated, impatient and short tempered.
I don’t think your DH is a “selfish bastard” . Please listen because it sounds like he’s not ok.

Speaking as a police officer married to a police officer he sounds totally unsuitable for the job. Does he know how many domestic arguments he’s going to have to pick his way through? Shift work is also hideous to navigate and the only way we manage with our one DD is the use of after school clubs and the fact I have a great deal of flexibility in my role ( we have no family support ). Pre Covid I also used breakfast clubs which all cost £££ a month. He is the one moving the goal posts so I would want a definite solution to the childcare problem. Print the shift pattern off if you can ( maybe HR can send it if it’s not published online) and have a look at the conflicts with your shifts and ask what his solution is. Not “ I’m going to ask….” But actual concrete plans. His mum, or whoever needs to know the commitment could be x number of times a month before they give vague promises to help out. Most new starters to the police don’t have 4 children… there’s no flexibility really for new starters. That comes further down the line with specialism. My DH has gone back on response team as an Inspector following a long period 9-5 and it’s really had a negative impact on our family life.