Husband wants a career change

[OwZ321]

My husband rushed through all his exams to be an accountant and he's now decided he wants a career change.

He seems to always be unhappy at work, frequently changes jobs and moans a lot.

We've been together for 8 years and he's had 5 job changes in that space of time. He always finds something to moan about something with work, it's usually his managers but with his current job he has decided that being an accountant is not for him and he's bored with working from home on a computer. He started working there during covid, he's only been working there for a year.

My husband has now decided he wants to join the police, he's never once told me in the 8 years we've been together this is the path he wants to go down. He's applied and starts in January, I have expressed to him a million times how I'm really not happy with him joining and the timing of it all. I have asked him if he would wait a few years as our youngest is only 12 weeks and he has refused and continued with his application.

To be honest I'm so annoyed and exhausted with it all. We have 4 kids together, 7 year old, 6 year old, 20 month old and 12 week old. We live in his hometown and my family live 1hr30mins drive away, we only have support from his mum who lives close by and that's not very forthcoming.

Working for the police will mean he will have to work unsocial hours, horrible shift work and a £6k pay cut when we are already struggling financially.

He has made it perfectly clear this is what he wants to do and nothing is going to change his mind, he even handed in his notice yesterday. Whenever I talk about it, he makes me feel bad and says he doesn't understand why I'm so upset about it.

I'm also a community nurse part time but currently on maternity leave. My job requires me to work 2 weekends a month and I don't know how I'm going to do that with him working a lot of weekends also.

I would move closer to family and consider leaving him but I can't afford to live closer to family as they are on the outskirts of London and its way too expensive.

I'm just looking for some advice please and others views.

@Whattochoosenow

Think he’s telling you he’s not ok but currently can’t see a way out. He’s also faced with the fact that in our culture men are supposed to tough it out and just get on with things- as seen by some of the responses on here. Taking a drop in income may be a small price to pay. I’ve been in a situation where my mental health was being affected by my work. I gave up with no job to go to and found something else a month later. I’ve been in my new role a few years now but my children still talk about what it was like during that time. I was stressed, frustrated, impatient and short tempered. I don’t think your DH is a “selfish bastard” . Please listen because it sounds like he’s not ok.

Yes exactly that! I'm just going to have to try and support him, but at the same time make my own plans that will enhance me and my kids life.

It sounds like he's the sort of person that likes change, thrives on the newness of situations. Much like your relationship, to be married with that many children, in that timescale must have meant you were either pregnant, just had a child or planning a wedding at any stage in your relationship. Couple that with him changing career so many times. Army, call centre, accountant and now police, has there ever been a year when things we simply 'stable'? It must be exhausting

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow I think that's an astute assessment.

@OwZ321

I have just spoken to him and said I would like to have a good look at moving back closer to family, I'll work full time to help. His response was “no, we can't afford it. Why do you find it so difficult to look after your kids? Any other mum just gets on with it, I don't understand why you find it so hard". My response was fine I'll look about moving on my own he responded "you won't be able to afford it, stop moping around and be proactive in your decision making". How can this possibly work, whenever I bring it up and automatically defensive, dismissive and rude.

He is slapping you down so you do what he wants. What a horrible man.

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow

It sounds like he's the sort of person that likes change, thrives on the newness of situations. Much like your relationship, to be married with that many children, in that timescale must have meant you were either pregnant, just had a child or planning a wedding at any stage in your relationship. Couple that with him changing career so many times. Army, call centre, accountant and now police, has there ever been a year when things we simply 'stable'? It must be exhausting

Add to that, this year a house move and renovation.. I was hoping for 2022 to be the year of stability.

If he doesn't like dealing with the public, especially in difficult situations, why on earth would he consider being a police officer?

Tough shit he doesn’t like his job- 4 kids to support, no you don’t take a pay cut!

I think he is crazy- but that's just because being an accountant might not be very exciting but it's a lot easier Than being bottom of the ladder in difficult job like policing. He's going to have a shock.

I think he is probably doing it because he feels overwhelmed by being the breadwinner and main cog to support the family. He needs to get over this! I would rather he kept his job but encouraged him to take up new hobbies or have a retreat for a week to rebalance

It sounds like it might not work out and he won’t complete the training.

@OwZ321

I have just spoken to him and said I would like to have a good look at moving back closer to family, I'll work full time to help. His response was “no, we can't afford it. Why do you find it so difficult to look after your kids? Any other mum just gets on with it, I don't understand why you find it so hard". My response was fine I'll look about moving on my own he responded "you won't be able to afford it, stop moping around and be proactive in your decision making". How can this possibly work, whenever I bring it up and automatically defensive, dismissive and rude.

Interesting that every word of what he said could apply to him and changing job (again):

“no, we can't afford it. Why do you find it so difficult to stay in a job? Any other man just gets on with it, I don't understand why you find it so hard"

As for looking after the kids, with you going back FT he'll become responsible for 50% of the childcare. I'm sure he'll just get on with it and won't find it difficult to look after his kids...

@Whattochoosenow

Think he’s telling you he’s not ok but currently can’t see a way out. He’s also faced with the fact that in our culture men are supposed to tough it out and just get on with things- as seen by some of the responses on here. Taking a drop in income may be a small price to pay. I’ve been in a situation where my mental health was being affected by my work. I gave up with no job to go to and found something else a month later. I’ve been in my new role a few years now but my children still talk about what it was like during that time. I was stressed, frustrated, impatient and short tempered. I don’t think your DH is a “selfish bastard” . Please listen because it sounds like he’s not ok.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Sadly many men do end up feeling trapped in jibs they hate because it's the only way to meet the financial obligations of supporting their family.

My DH was in that situation a few years ago with a well paid job, me on maternity leave but an absolutely awful toxic workplace. It made him so miserable and he felt completely trapped and powerless.

OP try talking to him some more about how you can better work together as a team, reassure him that you don't just see him as a wage slave to finance the family, but do appreciate him as a person. Ask him what it is that's making him unhappy work wise and genuinely try to understand.

And for the love of God please ignore all the LTB and "he doubts selfish" bad advice. Your husband may be the main earner but don't dehumanise him to just an income source. He's a person with real feelings, no doubt flaws too, but obviously wants to work, but is deeply unhappy and trapped feeling.

I can't believe this at all. My dh wanted to retrain as a teacher when ours were both under 2 years old. Plus I was paying the mortgage on my own (I have decent maternity pay)

I said no way. He would end up working on assignments with no income. It would have been a deal breaker as he isn't great with cooking etc either.

In your case your dh was very smart to tell you to be proactive in your decision as he can't even stick with one decision. I think it's impossible but it looks to me he doesn't commit to things.

@Rainbowqueeen

I would be getting my ducks in a row. He sounds like he will never be happy. He isn’t doing the work needed to get happy. He is just chasing after the mythical unicorn that will make him happy.

My first thought when I read your post was that he wants to avoid domestic life and joining the police with the irregular hours will allow him to do that. I’d insist that once the training is over that he applies for a post closer to your family and move.

I agree. I'd wholeheartedly support a career change if he'd discussed it with me, considered the implications to our family and offered a compromise if needed and (especially for something like the police) had a burning desire to join, but he hasn't done any of these things.

I had a career change recently and my DH supported me but I had to wait it out a year longer than was ideal for various family reasons plus time to put away some savings to cover my training period. At the very least he should wait until you're off maternity leave ffs.

I have encouraged him to join a running group because he likes running, he declined.

I asked him if he would consider joining the police as a volunteer for a year, he declined. I thought it would be good to get an insight into it first.

He won't and hasn't even spoken to a police officer before about their role, just follows some on twitter.

You are running in trouble really quickly

• He has already told you everything is your fault, you wanted the big house, you wanted the kids.

• You have small children and he will be working really crap hours, earlies, late, nights, getting off late. Working Christmas, Bank Holidays etc

• The police can be very incestuous, people working really close together, day in, day out. Practically seeing more of your work family then your own. Affairs are rife.

• Paycut will make life hard so you take up a full time job, how you do that with tiny kids but hey, then you become ships in the night.

@Whattochoosenow

Think he’s telling you he’s not ok but currently can’t see a way out. He’s also faced with the fact that in our culture men are supposed to tough it out and just get on with things- as seen by some of the responses on here. Taking a drop in income may be a small price to pay. I’ve been in a situation where my mental health was being affected by my work. I gave up with no job to go to and found something else a month later. I’ve been in my new role a few years now but my children still talk about what it was like during that time. I was stressed, frustrated, impatient and short tempered. I don’t think your DH is a “selfish bastard” . Please listen because it sounds like he’s not ok.

I also agree with this but rushing off the join the police isn't the answer. I suspect based on some of your recent post he wouldn't, but have you seriously considered him being the main care provider or at least sharing the responsibility? You increase your hours/income so take some of the burden from your DH and he looks for a PT job. I suspect he won't get in to the police force anyway but you never know if they are particularly keen to recruit a certain sector/demographic he might do but I couldn't support his selfishness and would be taking the kids and moving back nearer family if he goes ahead with it.

I've flitted around a lot and suspect I am autistic or have inattentive ADHD. It's actually really annoying and exhausting and I have no idea why I do it. There is nothing more I would love than to find a job and stay/progress. Thankfully I have a wonderful DH who earns more and puts up with me.

I'm better when there is an element of routine and there are no surprises. I'm also an introvert so work better on my own or with a very small team. I've just turned a job down because I thought it would affect my mental health. I'm not sure what the Police would be like but it would definitely be more interesting than being an accountant.

I hate to say it but I very much doubt he is going to change. You have to decide if you can put up with it. Luckily, DH just ignores me most of the time!

It sound as if the police thing is him clutching at straws. He knows he needs to get out of his current situation but doesn’t know how.

Honestly? I would leave him. He sounds like a selfish arse - having poor mental health is not a license to be a dick. He's not thinking about you or your kids, only himself. He's made it impossible for you to work when mat leave ends, won't allow you to move closer to your family for support and is not in a position to support you himself. Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Has he thought of actually going back into the Army? If he regrets leaving so much is that something worth exploring?

He's not taking anything you say into consideration, he sounds a very self centred and selfish man

It sounds really hard and frustrating. I don’t know what the answer is but what I can say is that from what you’ve said about him I would think it’s highly likely he won’t stick the police out for very long.

I would definitely investigate working full time for yourself , are there other nursing roles you could look into that maybe don't have the weekend shift...
No matter what the reason for his inability to stay in a job the fact he makes unilateral decisions that affect the whole family is just shit....
The way he talks to you is poor,

but equally you seem quite impulsive as well 4 kids, a more expensive house that needs work, part-time work, all in 8 years with someone who keeps changing jobs and is unstable......it all sounds a bit chaotic....I would start with trying to sketch out a plan and some options..
Jobs, costs, childcare, housing so if you'd like to move nearer your family what would that look like? On your own or together would they really be able to help or is that just an assumption?

Sorry about this OP, this sounds really hard.

I think he's going to find the reality of the police hard, and it may not work out, so you are in for a bumpy 6 months to a year. Anything you can do to pull in childcare support, do. At the end of that time either it will have worked out or he will have left the job. On the bright side, if he has his accountancy qualifications, at least he can return to that.

This might sound hard but it sounds to me that you are both somewhat immature. Flitting around jobs is clearly a sign of that, but so is your joint decision to have 4 kids (especially so quickly) and stretching yourselves financially the kids and the house.

All can do right now is support him in his choice to join the police, but also be clear with him that this job flitting cannot go on. I would try and negotiate that he goes and gets help for his mental health issues, and if the police doesn't work out then he returns to accountancy (in an office, if home work doesn't suit him).

If you don't think he can or will change, then you may have to call it, return closer to your family where you can get childcare help and step up your own hours.

I'm also a community nurse part time but currently on maternity leave. My job requires me to work 2 weekends a month and I don't know how I'm going to do that with him working a lot of weekends also.

This was standing out in your OP because it just shows that

• he doesn’t see the issue with childcare etc… and the effect this couod have because it’s not HIS responsibility.
• you see childcare, running the house etc.. as YOUR responsibility so you end up doing it all whilst he does nothing.

His further comments about how is it that you can’t cope with your own kids when all other mothers do just reinforced that tbh.

From your posts, it looks like you are at the end of your tether with a DH that refuses to accept any responsibility in the running of the house and is thinking that all of it is your sole responsibility. Aka he is very good at blaming you for all the issues he can have whilst telling you to stop moaning and be proactive….

It also sounds like you are genuinely thinking about moving back to your home town. Would you do that on your own?

What I will say is that he might or might not be depressed. If he is and isn’t making any steps to be better (being proactive as he says), then it’s nit fair on you who has to bear the brunt of it. Nor is it fair on the dcs.
But more importantly, this doesn’t mean you have to stay with him ‘because he is ill and can’t help it’. If he is refusing to get help and you don’t want to deal with his mornings, you CAN go away and separate.
If he isn’t depressed and he is just using you as his emotional punching bowl, then… yep you certainly don’t have to accept it either.