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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 221 - will this thread see us through 'till Christmas?

957 replies

WeWantTheFinestWines · 18/12/2021 00:18

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
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8
TobyEsterhase · 27/12/2021 11:47

My 1 previous date with South American lady was very memorable.

She was Venezuelan and we met for what I thought would be low rent date at Prezzo in Westfield Centre.

Ended up at private members club in Marleybone she was a member of and after rounding off the morning at Leicester Square MacDonalds took the first train out of Waterloo at 6.30.

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 27/12/2021 11:58

@Slothmomma lovely to hear from you ❤️

Naimee87 · 27/12/2021 12:59

@Shayelle2009 sorry to hear about your family dynamics! Can't be easy! Have you ever managed to speak to your dad about how you feel? I'm shocked in such a good way, considering how a few years ago scraping together bus fair seemed impossible for him. He's now managed and international bank transfer... i'm just hoping he stays in contact. It means so much to my DS, more than he'd care to admit too. He's confused because he really loves his dad even though he hasn't ever been involved. It really is this time of year when 'family-life' comes under scrutiny and dormant emotions resurface.

Eesha · 27/12/2021 13:37

@Shayelle2009 sorry to hear about the family crap. I'm glad you gave your friends to be there for you

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 27/12/2021 14:06

@Shayelle2009 and @VanGoghsDog 💖💖💖💖💖

InABetterPlaceNow · 27/12/2021 15:47

@Shayelle2009 @VanGoghsDog Hugs to you both ❤️ I have some experience with these things, though the close people involved have now passed and I'd created a healthy distance by that point. It's not easy at all.

@TobyEsterhase Wow, what a date! I'm glad you had a good time!!

@Slothmomma Sounds amazing!!! I'm so happy for you!

@BelladiMamma MrDublin sounds so perfect for you. Though I have no idea how you balance all the others!! It sounds like things could be working out for the best!

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards ❤️ to you!

Sorry to everyone I've missed, been struggling I keep up on the thread.

I'm getting really frustrated with MrT being in isolation. He seems to be the same and keeps setting up video calls so we've talked every night since Xmas eve I think. When we were talking last night we realised it's only actually been a week since we last saw each other in person which was technically the bar for our meets so far. It doesn't seem enough anymore (though it's doable and will depend on logistics on both sides).

I'm starting to develop some really strong feelings for him. I think it helps that we spent the 4 months or so after date zero connecting on a friend level - I'd intended to keep it there tbh as I really, really liked him as a person and didn't want to screw things up by adding in other stuff. Date "one" was actually labelled a "meet" rather than date with the agreement we'd decide after if it would be labelled a date. Then the chemistry thing happened.

Had a wobble and talked to him about it as ... that's apparently what we do. As I really, really want this man in my life for a long time. We laugh together so much, have the same sense of humour, and he just seems to "see" me. I feel more myself around him than I can remember feeling with anyone really. He said if I decide we should just be friends he'd respect that completely but to bear in mind that while going the other route carries more risk, it also carries greater reward.

I'm trying to stop the feelings happen so quickly as I know our biggest chance is just letting things slowly evolve. I just like him so much on every level, from friendship to sexual chemistry to intellect and our spiritual views match. We also want the same future stuff. These things have been brought up on both sides first so it's not even that he's just saying what I want to hear.

While feeling like we are different enough to learn from from each other too. He makes me want to be a better person and tackle all these "issues" I have so I don't put them on him. Because when I'm not dealing with them, things are insanely fun, but when they come up from time to time he's also so good at just listening and giving me gentle reassurance that I'm fine, my feelings are valid because of past experience, and he's not running away because he's "not made of glass".

Anyway, just needed to get that out of my head somewhere. Sorry.

On a more fun note, we're planning a cinema trip then hotel stay in the new year, plans are starting to firm up on meeting each other's friends, and he's planning on getting a tv screen set up in his bedroom so he can bring the Xbox up and we can play some co-op! He also needs to help me with the prep for the hobby he does that I've signed up the work "team" for so will be doing that as soon as it's legal to meet! (I'm going to be devastated if we go into lockdown, I really need to stroke his beard at this point 🙈)

Danz0r77 · 27/12/2021 16:16

Hi everyone,

Just found this thread on Google and it's so reassuring seeing that other people go through the same issues I seem to be having. Why is this OLD business so difficult?!

I am a 39M, joined a site 2 months ago and have been on dates with 5 people so far. The first one was terrible, mainly because we weren't at all right for each other, but also because I was incredibly nervous. My nerves have improved over the others and the next 4 have all been really positive..... initially. I've had some fun, and really really got on with a couple of them but just can't seem to get to the next phase.

The last woman I dated.. I feel like we clicked instantly. We had a great first date, then another the following week. She kissed me at the end of that one. Then, on Christmas Eve, she invited me round to hers and we had an incredible night. Christmas day was spent sending lots of explicit messages over WhatsApp and I felt so happy.

But later that evening, after I'd had a good number of beers, and was really tired.. we were chatting and it all went a little wrong. She made a comment that I took as being really sarcastic, and I got a little moody. Nothing horrible was said but she's just gone completely cold on me from that moment. Now she is saying we're on different pages and we want different things..... I'm not sure if that's just an excuse. I never thought I'd ever say this but I actually feel a little used.

Onesmallstep67 · 27/12/2021 17:10

@Danz0r77, do you feel that it all got a bit misconstrued because of it being Christmas Day and you had had a drink? Is it salvageable by you saying that you can see that it wasn’t an ideal exchange or is it now no longer an option? I don’t know what was said but of course nobody wants to have a disagreement with someone so early in the process of getting to know each other and with it being Christmas Day it probably felt even more unwanted. One to either chalk up to experience or one last shot at a salvage job ?

InABetterPlaceNow · 27/12/2021 17:19

@Danz0r77 Was this all said over text? It's an awful medium until you have a good sense of someone and even when you do it can be really easy to misinterpret!

Do you think you're on different pages? If you think there's a connection there it might be worth arrange a call at minimum, video chat better or best in person meet depending on availability to understand exactly what's meant by her comments and if that's actually the case from your POV.

Even if that doesn't get the outcome you want, it's a good learning point and now you know there's people you can have a genuine connection with! Nothing lost at this point. You either find you can resolve conflict well and it will set you up in the future, or you'll see that would have caused issues in the future.

It doesn't sound like a case of being used from what you've said so far. It sounds like she's having a wobble and time to have a proper chat and know each other a bit more and see if you're compatible.

FabulousMrFifty · 27/12/2021 17:26

@Danz0r77
When Im on the apps I try to stay away from the booze for this very reason, I think it’s so easy to miss the meaning of texts.

I think it would be a case of chalking this one up and keep moving forward

But saying that sounds like you are doing well and getting the dates in okay

Danz0r77 · 27/12/2021 17:31

[quote Onesmallstep67]@Danz0r77, do you feel that it all got a bit misconstrued because of it being Christmas Day and you had had a drink? Is it salvageable by you saying that you can see that it wasn’t an ideal exchange or is it now no longer an option? I don’t know what was said but of course nobody wants to have a disagreement with someone so early in the process of getting to know each other and with it being Christmas Day it probably felt even more unwanted. One to either chalk up to experience or one last shot at a salvage job ?[/quote]
Hi @Onesmallstep67, thanks for the reply.

Yes it definitely was misconstrued because it was late, after a long day, and I had had a few drinks. It was just such a small disagreement I find it hard to understand why she'd want to give up the potential we had over something that really was a bit trivial.

And the reason(s) she gave I.E. not being on the same page in terms of what we want don't really add up either. I guess she's already decided she doesn't want to pursue the relationship anymore, for whatever reason, but probably not for the reason she gave.

It just seems really strange how quickly it did a 180 and it's all a bit baffling.

InABetterPlaceNow · 27/12/2021 17:33

@FabulousMrFifty Happy Christmas to you!

Danz0r77 · 27/12/2021 17:37

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]@Danz0r77 Was this all said over text? It's an awful medium until you have a good sense of someone and even when you do it can be really easy to misinterpret!

Do you think you're on different pages? If you think there's a connection there it might be worth arrange a call at minimum, video chat better or best in person meet depending on availability to understand exactly what's meant by her comments and if that's actually the case from your POV.

Even if that doesn't get the outcome you want, it's a good learning point and now you know there's people you can have a genuine connection with! Nothing lost at this point. You either find you can resolve conflict well and it will set you up in the future, or you'll see that would have caused issues in the future.

It doesn't sound like a case of being used from what you've said so far. It sounds like she's having a wobble and time to have a proper chat and know each other a bit more and see if you're compatible.[/quote]
Hi

Yes it was all said over WhatsApp, and I said that it was basically my misinterpretation. But I think she was upset about the way I reacted to the misinterpretation.

We are on slightly different pages, she is not ready for a serious relationship yet, but I am. But she's known this from the start and I've said we can take as long as she needs. It didn't seem to be an issue until this happened.

Is this a time to stand back and let her work through it in her head, or is it a time for me to try reinforce how I feel about her? It's such a delicate balance!

Danz0r77 · 27/12/2021 17:40

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@Danz0r77
When Im on the apps I try to stay away from the booze for this very reason, I think it’s so easy to miss the meaning of texts.

I think it would be a case of chalking this one up and keep moving forward

But saying that sounds like you are doing well and getting the dates in okay[/quote]
Yeah it is all a learning experience I guess. All a combination of too much to drink, too little sleep and misinterpretation.

I'm finding it really hard to let her go though, because we just get on so well, 98% of the time.

Do you guys have any tips on how you move forwards when you feel like you had that connection?

InABetterPlaceNow · 27/12/2021 17:46

@Danz0r77 From the information so far, I'd say if she doesn't want a serious relationship and you do, you need to listen to that. It sounds like maybe having to deal with some conflict is exactly why she's probably not ready to go down that route.

I'd say that even though you feel you got on well 98% of the time, it's still very early days. That gap is likely to get bigger over time if she's just not in the place to do something serious, as much as that sucks!

I'm in agreement to chalk this one up to experience. You've seen that putting yourself out there can lead to a genuine connection and hopefully the next one (or the next, or next!) will be in the same headspace as you. It might still not work but it's all experience and will make the right one work so much better!

VanGoghsDog · 27/12/2021 17:46

Do you guys have any tips on how you move forwards when you feel like you had that connection?

The way to get over someone is to get under someone else.....

No, you need to develop a thicker skin. The connection wasn't real, it was too early for that.

Also, if someone tells you they're not ready for a relationship, you accept that and you don't tell them to "take as long as they need". That's just you trying to force your agenda on them. I'd be really cross if someone said that to me after I'd told them I didn't want or wasn't ready for a relationship.

BelladiMamma · 27/12/2021 18:14

@Danz0r77 sorry that this has happened to you and that you're feeling rubbish over the Christmas period.

I would consider one last crack at having a conversation, preferably F2F or on the phone. and then if that doesn't work, going no contact. It's very hard to get over someone if you've still got contact with them

Wishing you luck in any case ❤️

Danz0r77 · 27/12/2021 18:54

[quote BelladiMamma]@Danz0r77 sorry that this has happened to you and that you're feeling rubbish over the Christmas period.

I would consider one last crack at having a conversation, preferably F2F or on the phone. and then if that doesn't work, going no contact. It's very hard to get over someone if you've still got contact with them

Wishing you luck in any case ❤️[/quote]
Thank you @BelladiMamma, I appreciate the kind words.

She hasn't cut off contact with me yet, so I suppose there's still a small chance we can get this resolved and move forwards. But yeah, not holding out much hope Sad

Thanks for the good wishes Smile

FabulousMrFifty · 27/12/2021 19:19

@Danz0r77
To be honest, if you are 39 and looking for a proper relationship, you should have problem finding someone.

But as Bella says try a F2F with your current iron rather then text

teesguy · 27/12/2021 19:20

So the person I was chatting too and was supposed to meet today until her kids came back from her ex's early looks like she has blocked me on WhatsApp. Profile pic has gone and message not going through. No idea what I did wrong. It would have been good to get some feedback, especially as I'm a people pleaser and hate the thought I've done something to upset her, but I can't control the actions of others so will just have to chalk it down in the experience column.

Hopefully got a date zero tomorrow with someone else. She is super busy and her messaging is sporadic at best, so we'll see what happens, if it even does!

Started a chat with another iron this afternoon and had a phone call. Chat was quite good but a couple of red flags. I'm probably prepared to accept these at the moment but will keep and eye on them. Planning to do a video chat later in the week.

OLD is hard!!

Danz0r77 · 27/12/2021 19:22

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@Danz0r77
To be honest, if you are 39 and looking for a proper relationship, you should have problem finding someone.

But as Bella says try a F2F with your current iron rather then text[/quote]
@FabulousMrFifty
Did you mean to put I should have a problem, or shouldn't have a problem?

Danz0r77 · 27/12/2021 19:23

@teesguy

So the person I was chatting too and was supposed to meet today until her kids came back from her ex's early looks like she has blocked me on WhatsApp. Profile pic has gone and message not going through. No idea what I did wrong. It would have been good to get some feedback, especially as I'm a people pleaser and hate the thought I've done something to upset her, but I can't control the actions of others so will just have to chalk it down in the experience column.

Hopefully got a date zero tomorrow with someone else. She is super busy and her messaging is sporadic at best, so we'll see what happens, if it even does!

Started a chat with another iron this afternoon and had a phone call. Chat was quite good but a couple of red flags. I'm probably prepared to accept these at the moment but will keep and eye on them. Planning to do a video chat later in the week.

OLD is hard!!

@teesguy

It is hard isn't it?
Can I ask what you mean by the "red flags"?

teesguy · 27/12/2021 19:32

@Danz0r77 just a couple of things she said that didn't sit well with me. The main one was that she is un-vacinated. I believe it's down to each individual to choose but just one thing to watch.

It is really hard. I want to open myself up so that people see the authentic me but I'm now more wary of getting too invested early on. One thing I'm trying to tell myself is that I can't control the actions of others and if they behave in a way that isn't compatible with my values or decide to disappear without the courtesy of a thanks but no thanks message then they weren't right for me.

Onesmallstep67 · 27/12/2021 19:34

Red flags can vary for different people and what you find unacceptable but an example might be something like only able to chat after 9pm - might be genuine and would therefore offer a credible explanation or might be an indication that married? Or spends a lot of time talking about sex and asking questions about your preferences- again not a red flag for some but may be an early indication of someone looking for casual or hook up.

Onesmallstep67 · 27/12/2021 19:37

Sorry @Danz0r77, I misunderstood. I thought you were asking for what red flags meant as opposed those specific to @teesguy’s iron