@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. It sounds like you're potentially trying to push Mr Gambit away, even if you don't realise it, with the hope he will come back to you and tell you you would be worth fighting through all that for.
I feel like the problem is, it's very easy to say these things when you are distanced, but you are long way off it being any kind of reality. With the blocking and unblocking, it sounds like he has his own issues and I don't think you'll find the level of support you need from him, and if you did I worry it wouldn't be healthy.
For what it's worth, MrT was a carer for many years for his first wife. The reasons they split were unrelated and I believe he would have kept doing it. He has a bit of white knight syndrome that I'm having to actively talk to him about to make sure we both keep healthy boundaries in place.
I really feel that you need to focus on your own health, both physical and mental first. You honesty don't need a partner to take care of you - and you can build up a support network full of friends and professionals to split any support you need. That means that when the right person comes along you simply won't need them to look after you, though they may help in some ways. It means you can focus on all the other lovely stuff that comes with being in a real without constantly feeling like a burden.
Hopefully when you start counselling you'll get some support you work through some of these things and break some of the patterns. I think it would really, really help you to be a little happier and more hopeful. It was brilliant for me, though my struggles were different, I recognise some of my old patterns and everything I'm saying comes from a place of love and shared experience. ❤️