Dating Thread 221 - will this thread see us through 'till Christmas?

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Little update from me. I heard from Mr Cricket earlier, he is still struggling to process what we did and said he needs more time, the GF is coming over for Christmas (so obviously more serious than he told me). I replied back saying it hasn't exactly been easy for me, I've been beating myself up every day, my emotions have been all over the place and I hate myself. Its not something I do and I'm struggling to get my head around it.

I finally told him how I'm feeling instead of pretending I'm okay, I feel very exposed now. I'm not used to this and it scares me a little.

@Isitreallyme1277

Little update from me. I heard from Mr Cricket earlier, he is still struggling to process what we did and said he needs more time, the GF is coming over for Christmas (so obviously more serious than he told me). I replied back saying it hasn't exactly been easy for me, I've been beating myself up every day, my emotions have been all over the place and I hate myself. Its not something I do and I'm struggling to get my head around it.

I finally told him how I'm feeling instead of pretending I'm okay, I feel very exposed now. I'm not used to this and it scares me a little.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. IMO while it's good in a general way you were able to say how you feel, he's not the right person to do it with. He has a GF and they are clearly serious. You will absolutely get hurt in this scenario. Had your update been "I've broken things off, need some time to process, talk to you soon" it might be different.

Don't let him do it to you, please. NC and move in to someone who can actually be available to you.

I know it's not what you want to hear, and I'm not saying it's easy. However it's what my own gut tells me for you.

I’m sorry that you are struggling with your emotions with this situation with Mr Cricket @Isitreallyme1277. You’ve not really explained how it came about on the night so it’s difficult to guess where your head was at in the moment. Sadly the truth here is that Mr Cricket knew he was in a relationship - which he chose to play down to you- and in the aftermath of what happened between you he hasn’t stepped away from his gf but instead has continued to see her. I’m afraid I read his actions as damage limitation because you now technically have something over him so he needs to ensure you don’t cause issues for him. IF he had had sex with you and realised he had feelings for you he could - and should have- by now told his GF it’s not working out and ended things with her. But instead they are having Christmas together. I’m sorry but I think for your own MH I think you should walk away. 💕

@Eesha
He obviously thinks a lot of you and going by what you have said things are going well.

I'm really pleased for you that the relationship is going well, I would take it day by day and see how things go, especially with Christmas and god knows what else on the horizon

@Isitreallyme1277
Sending you a big hug and 💐
You haven't done anything wrong, I know you are hurting please don't beat yourself up.

@Onesmallstep67 I innocently and naively went round to help him have a shower. Even writing it down I can't believe how naive it sounds. I honestly thought he's a friend who has asked for my help, he even said if it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable and he didn't want me to have to wash him like a baby( I used to work in a nursing home when I was at college, I also used to bra fit, I can switch off quite easily and pretend I'm doing a job). I'd been taking the piss all evening, told him he'd be king of the great unwashed, said I'd go round on Sunday after the gym but I'd have to shower before I do otherwise we'd have two stinky people and that would be quite disgusting. When I saw him I said in my best motherly voice "look at you, what have you done!" I don't even why it happened. Neither of us planned it. We've only ever been 'just friends', yeah I had feelings for him but I put them in a box and accepted they were one sided. I don't want anymore from him other than friendship, I've never felt so comfortable with someone, he brings me out of my shell and it just flows between us. That is what makes me sad, that we may have lost our friendship.

@StartingAgain6369 thank you, 😘. I'm trying not to but it's easier said than done.

@Isitreallyme1277 I don't think you should beat yourself up any further. He wanted sex and played you. Perhaps you also wanted the attention too. But in the aftermath, you are the one left behind whereas hes continuing with his sham relationship. He's not a nice bloke and has played you and definitely planned this because you were an easy option and he knew you wouldnt think twice. You paint things naively and romantically but I think deep down you wanted whatever breadcrumbs he gave you because you are scared to go out there and deal with the rubbish/stresses of online dating or potentially available men. Don't give him much more of your friendship or anything more. You say hes this amazing friend but he really isnt. At the very basic level, he's a horrible cheat.

@StartingAgain6369 thank you, I didn't respond with the L word but yes, its there in my head. I do think he's had such terrible times and never expected to have any sort of decent relationship but now we have met, he's pretty smitten. But we are enjoying the good times and I'm going to observe how the next few months go. I've had this a couple of times in the sense men making me their world and me going with it whereas at the moment, he hasn't put a foot wrong so I can't complain! I think it helps that he had done an absolute ton of work on himself way before we even met so is someone extremely intuitive and self aware.

@Eesha I truly am that naive, honestly there were no other intentions there on either side. He literally needed help climbing into and out of the bath as he couldn't put any pressure on his hands and you instinctively put your hands out to steady yourself when you get in or out of the bath(well I do) and he couldn't get the bandages wet so had to keep them out of the way and he couldn't turn the shower on or off. He isn't a bad person.

I'm not scared to date, I don't want to date, I only started looking as I wanted a plus one for a wedding next year but quite frankly it's proved to be more hassle than it's worth. I'm happy single for now. If someone comes along that takes my fancy then I'll take a risk(I did last year).

I want to say thanks to soo many of you for being there for me this year! Especially dancerinthemoonlight who started the original thread i was lucky enough to find. There are too many to tag now and i would hate to forget anyone. It's been amazing to have you all to 'talk' things through with and get other perspectives. 🤩 I've appreciated everyone's advice on all my antics. I love reading what all of you are going through too. I'll be pretty quiet for a while now as as i'm finally taking some days free from 'life' and get into the christmas spirit. Planning on cooking my first Christmas roast dinner tomorrow then visiting family on 26th! 🍀💪🏻 Very fortunate that i'm able to see them soo easily!

Magnet-man's still around in the background but i'm going to try figure out what i want from 'us' given comms wasn't great last week with us, and my wobble. I did hear from him late last night, but i need to figure out how i'd like to start off the NewYear! ✨🤞🏻💪🏻 (look at me trying to be all sensible and grown up, we all know i'll be headed to find him and his bum-bag first chance i get) Mwahahaha! 😂😌😂🤩😂😌😂🤩😌🤩😌🤩😂 ✨✨ ✨ 🍀Happy Holidays🍀 ✨✨✨

@Isitreallyme1277 do you honestly think he's that decent? I'm sorry, he could have asked anyone close including his girlfriend. Here is where you are romanticising him whereas perhaps you can't face that potential awful truth that you have been played. If you were so happily single, you wouldn't have constantly mentioned him and your interractions with him, this hot pilot. You almost wanted the affirmation here on the thread that he must really like you if we was texting you etc. He was your boyfriend in your head without the trappings of a real relationship. With the person last year, was this Computer Geek? This was whom I thought was catfishing you because he seemed to be again playing with your feelings even though he was still in the drama with his ex. Again unavailable. Don't you see how you are picking these messes of men who are actually shits? You come across as a decent soul and deserve so much more but again after this last message, you seem like you're going to let this one again have the benefit of the doubt whereas he's a cheat!!!

I'm sorry but I have no time for these cheating scumbags, at Christmas of all times!

@Isitreallyme1277
Sorry to read about Mr Cricket, all sounds a bit crappy really

@Eesha
Good to hear about you and the ‘L’ word fingers crossed 🤞 for you

Merry Christmas 🎄 and a Happy New Year 🥳 to everyone on the thread, especially to those who have helped guide a fat old man this year and had to put up with my constant stupid jokes, comments and Monty Python references

@FabulousMrFifty thank you, its been a rough couple of weeks. I'm quite mortified he saw my hobbit feet in fact!🙈 . I suppose we do live in the Shires so it's to be expected🤣. Have a lovely Christmas 🎄 and New Year too.

[quote Isitreallyme1277]@Eesha I truly am that naive, honestly there were no other intentions there on either side. He literally needed help climbing into and out of the bath as he couldn't put any pressure on his hands and you instinctively put your hands out to steady yourself when you get in or out of the bath(well I do) and he couldn't get the bandages wet so had to keep them out of the way and he couldn't turn the shower on or off. He isn't a bad person.

I'm not scared to date, I don't want to date, I only started looking as I wanted a plus one for a wedding next year but quite frankly it's proved to be more hassle than it's worth. I'm happy single for now. If someone comes along that takes my fancy then I'll take a risk(I did last year).[/quote]
I feel for you @Isitreallyme1277 because the pattern is you post on here with the same absolute faith in what is clearly a man treating you and other women badly until you get so many posts from people trying to make you see that that you then disappear for a couple of weeks because you don’t like what’s being said. Nobody here is trying to upset you or pick on you… can you see that maybe the truth appears different to us all than to you?

Was Mr Cricket so very vulnerable and unable to seek help from anyone else that he had to ask you? (Not so vulnerable he couldn’t have sex mind you)

You’ve posted about him on here for months, do you really think you’d managed to put your feelings in a box and that you were just friends? It doesn’t appear that way to anyone who’s read your posts I don’t think. And now, he has his gf coming over for Christmas. I think if he gets wind you will not keep any awkwardness to a minimum (which will include articulating your feelings) he will likely disappear, because he sounds invested in this gf. Pity her, because her boyfriend - the one she’s spending Christmas with and no doubt all excited about - has just had unprotected sex with another woman. Imagine!

Happy Christmas to you all for tomorrow and thanks for all the advice I’ve had since starting with dating in September. In real life I don’t have any friends using OLD so it’s so helpful to hear all your insights. Much solidarity and hugs to you all.

Just caught up after having covid. Again!

Lost going on, L words and cheating.

I won’t say too much, but being penned as the “other woman” in any form has always given me the absolute rage. Like I actually can’t believe the brass neck of some men, and I’m a massive grass. Anytime I’ve been put in this situation unawares I’ve told the unsuspecting partners. Anytime a married man has even tried, I’ll send screenshots etc, as I’d want to know if it was happening behind my back. Isn’t that what we teach our children, treat people how you’d like to be treated.

Because I’ve been unwell and isolating I only managed to do the dreading Christmas presents exchange with mrWa yesterday, and surprisingly went V well, we both sort of went personal but not over the top 😅 no L words yet thankfully, but meeting each others children has been mooted. I know everyone is different, but I think at this stage it’s just too quick, 1st disagreement pending

@Eesha I'm sorry but I have no time for these cheating scumbags, at Christmas of all times

I feel exactly the same, there is never any need for cheating and I hate people who cheat.
The whole thread knew what 'come and help wash me' meant but isit still went round...i agree with the person who said that the thought this might happen was at the back of her mind.

@Isitreallyme1277 he is still struggling to process what we did and said he needs more time
Is this not the slow fade? Got what he wanted and now fading you out?
But not struggling that much that he has his real life girlfriend staying for Christmas...

You deserve so much better, you've had 2 bad experiences but don't let that put you off.
Was Mr Cricket just a new focus after Mr Computer Geek ghosted you and then he also turned out to be a twat of the highest order? (This 'he's not a bad person' is laughable because cheating on your girlfriend is bad, I wonder what would make you think bad of a person?)

@Catcrazy83 Presents with a new boyfriend/partner is so hard to get just right but it sounds like you both did well.

You have to do whats right by your children and not what he thinks is right.
Personally I'm firmly in the 'as long as possible' camp but appreciate that everyones situation is different.

I keep thinking Mr L is going to say the L word to me and I’m terrified! I don’t want him to say it and then put me in a position of having to reciprocate before I’m ready. I do have really strong feelings for him but don’t know if that’s Love as I have my doubts that I ever properly loved my exH so I feel a bit broken in that department
If he does say it I don’t know how to respond

@MayEye

I keep thinking Mr L is going to say the L word to me and I’m terrified! I don’t want him to say it and then put me in a position of having to reciprocate before I’m ready. I do have really strong feelings for him but don’t know if that’s Love as I have my doubts that I ever properly loved my exH so I feel a bit broken in that department If he does say it I don’t know how to respond

My ex from 2019/20 said it after about three weeks, even gave me a bloody card with it in.

I was really gobsmacked because at my age you just want someone you can rub along happily with, not expecting or wanting that sort of stuff. Maybe after six months or something.
Anyway, I think I just said "that's nice, thank you" or something.

I mean, if I'd reciprocated it would have been meaningless and he surely didn't expect to put on the spot and have me say the same, so there's not much else you can say.

To be fair, we had known each other a year or so before dating, so maybe he'd felt it during that time. But I didn't, and even though I said it to him later, I don't think I truly felt that way.

Like you, I'm not sure I've ever really loved anyone, probably just lust really.

The L word terrifies me too.

The thing with the children is strange, mine is older and totally not arsed either way, very much in the grunting until fed stage of hormones. His on the other hand are younger. I think he senses I couldn’t care less if I never meet them, which is true, but I don’t mind if he meets my ds. I think it’s the thought of going back to little kids in general that’s putting me off. Coming to realise we’re not as compatible as I 1st thought. Or I sort of always knew
Maybe in the back of my head, I thought he’s a weekend dad, can just be separate.
Sorry for the brain dump

@MayEye I'm in a similar position, I'm emotionally unavailable and the words 'I love you' have no meaning for me because my ex husband said it all the time but still emotionally abused me and had loads of emotional affairs.

Mr K and I are over 2 years in and neither have said it which suits me fine. I told my counsellor that if he said it I'd run a mile😂
I also spoke to her about what love is but of course its hard to pinpoint exactly what it is so I'll just carry on as I am enjoying life and our time together.

I know I love my kids - I can feel it physically almost- but anyone else - meh!
I think if he does say something Ill just be honest and say I don’t know if I’m there yet but I like him so much and want things to continue the way they are. I hope it doesn’t mess with that
….or I’ll run a mile ala sorting