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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 221 - will this thread see us through 'till Christmas?

957 replies

WeWantTheFinestWines · 18/12/2021 00:18

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
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8
BelladiMamma · 23/12/2021 12:15

@Stayingstrongish yes - either way you shouldn't have to take ex's wishes into account as regards your private life. Just wanted to reassure you that not all judges are dickheads, even if our exes are. I found it profoundly depressing how my ex thought it was ok to dictate my private life to me even whilst he had a live in lover, who moved in 6 weeks after they met 🤨

Spruced · 23/12/2021 12:25

Hi, I joined on the previous thread to post about potentially asking a man out on OLD, and whether people are still going on in-person dates despite the Covid situation! Just a quick update - I asked him out, he said yes, we went for a drink and are planning to meet up again after Christmas! Thanks for the encouragement! Grin

BelladiMamma · 23/12/2021 12:40

@Spruced

Hi, I joined on the previous thread to post about potentially asking a man out on OLD, and whether people are still going on in-person dates despite the Covid situation! Just a quick update - I asked him out, he said yes, we went for a drink and are planning to meet up again after Christmas! Thanks for the encouragement! Grin
Congratulations 🎉 I hope it all goes well for you 🎄
Gettingonwithit12 · 23/12/2021 13:04

Hi all, I was wondering if I could ask for any collective wisdom about coffee ‘dates/meetings’ as I’m still quite new to all this. Went for coffee a couple of days ago with a guy I had been chatting to online for a couple of weeks. It was nice, he was nice, we chatted easily for a couple of hours. I’m not sure he fancied me though and didn’t say anything about meeting again. Just wondered what the etiquette is for these casual coffee meetings- would you expect any further contact? if I had met him for a proper date I would have perhaps texted to say thanks for a lovely night, or to say I got home ok, even if we weren’t going to see each other again. It’s fine if it isn’t going to go anywhere, it just feels weird to have been chatting to someone every day for a couple of weeks, and then nothing!

Stayingstrongish · 23/12/2021 13:05

@mayeye and @BelladiMamma thanks for your support and sharing your experiences.

The hypocrisy of your ex is staggering @belladimamma! What a ridiculous man.

SortingItOut · 23/12/2021 13:08

@Gettingonwithit12 Even with a coffee meet I would still thank them for meeting up and that could come from either of you.
He may not have messaged because you didn't message him.
Even though its a more casual meet politeness still applies.

If you liked him you could still message now and say what a nice time you had and would he like to do it again?

PurpleStripyScarf · 23/12/2021 13:14

[quote SortingItOut]@Gettingonwithit12 Even with a coffee meet I would still thank them for meeting up and that could come from either of you.
He may not have messaged because you didn't message him.
Even though its a more casual meet politeness still applies.

If you liked him you could still message now and say what a nice time you had and would he like to do it again?[/quote]
Yes I absolutely agree with this. Don't delay any more - do it this afternoon!

Gettingonwithit12 · 23/12/2021 13:23

Thanks, Yes I guess you are right, I don’t really know why I didn’t message! I guess it didn’t really feel like a ‘date’ as such, and so I didn’t want to make it into something more than it was. I’m finding dating very confusing for some reason Grin

PurpleStripyScarf · 23/12/2021 13:26

@Gettingonwithit12

Thanks, Yes I guess you are right, I don’t really know why I didn’t message! I guess it didn’t really feel like a ‘date’ as such, and so I didn’t want to make it into something more than it was. I’m finding dating very confusing for some reason Grin
Yes I agree it's confusing, and it's also changed a lot in the last couple of decades.

Let us know how you get on!

PurpleStripyScarf · 23/12/2021 13:27

@Gettingonwithit12 ha ha - that wasn't supposed to be a pun on your name Grin - but it is quite apt!

Eesha · 23/12/2021 13:43

Hello peeps, just checking in after a few days with Mr Music. The L word was stated by him....

MayEye · 23/12/2021 14:08

Ooh @Eesha 🥰 How did you feel about that?

BelladiMamma · 23/12/2021 14:08

@Eesha

Hello peeps, just checking in after a few days with Mr Music. The L word was stated by him....
Wow 🤩

Mate I'm so effing chuffed for you!!

❤️❤️❤️🎄🎄🎄🎉🎉🎉

BelladiMamma · 23/12/2021 14:09

[quote Stayingstrongish]**@mayeye* and @BelladiMamma* thanks for your support and sharing your experiences.

The hypocrisy of your ex is staggering @belladimamma! What a ridiculous man.[/quote]
I think he's unwell, tbf, but is supported in his delusions by 1. The patriarchy and 2. The patriarchy

SortingItOut · 23/12/2021 14:09

@Eesha 😱😱 That's very early, how do you feel?
Is he sure its not lust?

BelladiMamma · 23/12/2021 14:51

@Gettingonwithit12

Thanks, Yes I guess you are right, I don’t really know why I didn’t message! I guess it didn’t really feel like a ‘date’ as such, and so I didn’t want to make it into something more than it was. I’m finding dating very confusing for some reason Grin
It really bloody is! Til you meet someone you click with and then you can be honest with them
BelladiMamma · 23/12/2021 14:51

[quote SortingItOut]@Eesha 😱😱 That's very early, how do you feel?
Is he sure its not lust?[/quote]
That's true as well. I'm awaiting further updates!

Eesha · 23/12/2021 14:59

@SortingItOut it's very early, perhaps a month since first chat online, 3 weeks since our date. But I guess you know when you find someone decent. We have no plans to move in or meet children, just enjoying each others company. He's a good guy though.

SortingItOut · 23/12/2021 15:06

@Eesha Totally agree and I'm pleased for you both💗
Although my cold, unemotional, barriered heart went😱

FabulousMrFifty · 23/12/2021 15:12

[quote SortingItOut]@Gettingonwithit12 Even with a coffee meet I would still thank them for meeting up and that could come from either of you.
He may not have messaged because you didn't message him.
Even though its a more casual meet politeness still applies.

If you liked him you could still message now and say what a nice time you had and would he like to do it again?[/quote]
Yes, do this - Do it now !

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 23/12/2021 16:01

Afternoon all... ramping up to the big day here, bit of present wrapping, mother-herding, etc.

Spoke to Mr Mixtape today after gently calling out the change in contact since we got back from our weekend. He admitted he was starting to feel the weight of expectation as to whether we were moving towards being 'boyfriend/girlfriend' and had wanted to take some time to reflect on it.

We had a good honest chat about what we both wanted and agreed to try and meet during post Christmas week, he asked for some dates and will get back to me. We're going to meet during the day for a walk/talk/lunch. I think it could go either way when we meet, but we did agree re really get on and fancy each other, have a lot of fun together, but the sticking point could be a mismatch in terms of what we can both offer the other.

@Eesha that is lovely even if early, sometimes it's just how you feel. Did you reciprocate? I've had things like that before where one person has said it for a while before the other and it hasn't mattered at all.

@Gettingonwithit12 yes I'd agree with others that after any sort of meet it's the right thing to send a message. I don't think it matters much who sends the first one - if they're not feeling it you can soon tell because comms tail off naturally. It is weird when you've been messaging daily and then it peters out, it's why meeting sooner rather than later is a very good thing!

@BelladiMamma The stories I think judges and barristers must be able to tell in terms of the crazy things they're asked to support or approve in family court hearings.

InABetterPlaceNow · 23/12/2021 18:06

@Eesha Oooh! How exciting!! I told MrT I like him lots last night 😂 he teased that my ice queen persona was slipping. And he's said last week that he cares about me quite a lot, then corrected himself to caring about me a great deal. I think the L word will be a ways down the line for us. I love him as a human being, from what I've seen so far, but I'd rather see how he is with friends, how we handle our first conflict, etc etc. I get the sense he puts a LOT of weight on that word too so I don't think it will be said easily (on either side tbh).

@Gettingonwithit12 I always sent a message after a meet. The first date with MrT I wasn't sure if he was attracted to me as there was very closed body language and it felt a bit more like we had the basis for a really good friendship. He asked me to text him when I got home (despite him walking me back to just around the corner from mine as he was headed to a friend that lives close 😂) That all totally changed on date 2 and since then there's been ridiculous chemistry. So you never know!!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Im glad you were able to talk things through! Thinks crossed you manage to find a way forward on the next meet!

MrT called last night for a bit of a vent (I offered that I could either be there for chats or leave him to sleep) so my mini panic was unfounded last night! He's quite poorly but being stoic about it and is still working through it (he WFH). I just wanted to scoop him up and look after him but hopefully at least the chat and some laughs helped a bit!

I'm starting to feel a little rough myself, but still testing negative on LFTs and none of the "typical" symptoms, just a bit run down. Everything is bought now for Xmas so time to settle in and hibernate anyway.

InABetterPlaceNow · 23/12/2021 18:17

While out Xmas shopping today I saw beard baubles and was sooo tempted to buy them for MrT 😂 however he has said that while beard fairy lights are a "soft" no, beard baubles and beard glitter are a "hard" no. So I had to let them go 😂

Will be after new year I expect now till I see him anyway as his isolation doesn't run out until late next week then he'll be making up for the missed DD time, so the fairy lights will have to wait till next year if we are still a thing!!

VanGoghsDog · 23/12/2021 18:48

Don't forget isolation is down to seven days now if you have negative LFT on day six and seven.

InABetterPlaceNow · 23/12/2021 19:12

@VanGoghsDog

Don't forget isolation is down to seven days now if you have negative LFT on day six and seven.
Aha! I didn't actually know this, thank you! He'd mentioned the plans with DD would be based on LFTs coming back and being negative and I was a bit confused.

Will let things settle as he'll have a lot to catch up on once he's out of isolation. Hopefully I'm fairly high on the list of catch up but we shall see 😁

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