Dating Thread 221 - will this thread see us through 'till Christmas?

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@InABetterPlaceNow

Absolutely they do. (I think that's why I challenged MrT so much at the start though I'm still mindful. He said on Monday "You thought I was an arsehole". My response was "Yes, and while I'm fairly confident you aren't at this point, you could still be because the best Narcs are those who cover that stuff up intentionally").

I might have lied about zero heavy talk. Things seems to come up now and then and we discuss. Seems healthy I think? He has an idea of where I'm coming from and that it will take a long time for me to trust him.

Don't tell him this, but I think he might not be an arsehole. (Sorry to circle back to me!)

I'm now in a place where I observe and listen and don't talk about myself a lot. Then stay if I like what I see or move on if I don't. It's nothing to do with them anymore it's all about me 😁

@BelladiMamma Makes sense. We're after slightly different things though, right? You'd quite like a harem 😝 I'm firmly after a life partner.

For both things, basic respect is key. Healthy boundaries (even more so for you!) are important. I'm aware I need to learn those boundaries myself and am putting in all the work.

Given that I'm after a long term committed thing I'm happy to offer up my vulnerable bits it's in a controlled way. If they respect them, they get a bit more. Super slow and super controlled and might be I stay single (which I'm fine with).

I get a bit of a kick out of seeing how people do with vulnerable talk (as I look like I'm made of glass but have a steel interior).

All in all, I'm a bit weird 😝

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]@BelladiMamma Makes sense. We're after slightly different things though, right? You'd quite like a harem 😝 I'm firmly after a life partner.

For both things, basic respect is key. Healthy boundaries (even more so for you!) are important. I'm aware I need to learn those boundaries myself and am putting in all the work.

Given that I'm after a long term committed thing I'm happy to offer up my vulnerable bits it's in a controlled way. If they respect them, they get a bit more. Super slow and super controlled and might be I stay single (which I'm fine with).

I get a bit of a kick out of seeing how people do with vulnerable talk (as I look like I'm made of glass but have a steel interior).

All in all, I'm a bit weird 😝[/quote]
Yeah 😁 cos then only the select few ever get a full fat version of me. I can't really be bothered with a full time relationship, it would disrupt my life too much (I have commercial work and creative work plus DD needs me to be there for her even on the ex's contact days). It's kind of like a pick n mix approach 😁

But I remember those days of wanting one partner. Maybe they'll return ☺️ and I know I'm not normal 😁

@BelladiMamma Normal is for numpties! I can take or leave romantic relationships. Me, my kids work just fine. It's only when I get involved in stuff (accidentally as with MrT) all that stuff comes back. So kind of just having to deal with it as it comes.

He's already done my brain dumps and no makeup stuff (and butt talk). I guess that's how I roll with relationships 😂 it's similar on the distancing front but the same aim, potentially?

I might be playing with this one a little (and I admit it) but only because I see potential. I've just noped our before...

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]@BelladiMamma Normal is for numpties! I can take or leave romantic relationships. Me, my kids work just fine. It's only when I get involved in stuff (accidentally as with MrT) all that stuff comes back. So kind of just having to deal with it as it comes.

He's already done my brain dumps and no makeup stuff (and butt talk). I guess that's how I roll with relationships 😂 it's similar on the distancing front but the same aim, potentially?

I might be playing with this one a little (and I admit it) but only because I see potential. I've just noped our before...[/quote]
Forgot about the butt talk 🤣 🍑 🍇

@BelladiMamma 🤣😂🤣 he was soooo good with it 😂😂😂

As much as my talks have seemed deep etc I've been absolutely fine if he bails so I do think some of what I've been doing is playing and seeing what he's about.

Unfortunately now I quite like him (damn hormones and him being the best I've had in bed!!) - I'll still be fine if he goes but for now it's an experience 🤣😅🙄

I think I might put you all in a spreadsheet so I can refer to irons and situations correctly. Memory like a sieve.

As a general observation I feel like we are all weird and we are all normal. And on that astute and mind blowing note I'm going to go to bed and look forward to spending one last day with the DC before the ex-inlaws arrive and the peace is shattered by an old woman who can barely walk, two manic toddlers, and a couple who had their children very late in life and are therefore permanently knackered.

@InABetterPlaceNow 6 months was always the rough guideline I had in my head. It's tempting when in the first flush of "wow this is amazing!" to do it then but I held out, and I'm glad I did because I feel like I want to for the right reasons now. Not so we can all play happy families, or even so I can see more of Mr D ie when DC are around, but just because I want to 'blend' these two very distinct and separate areas of my life, mentally as much as anything. Hope that makes sense.
@BelladiMamma that's the impression I got from your first post, the rephrased one just confirmed! It's nice to know I'm not alone in the various mental conundrums dating throws at me.
Sorry for all the me me me, I will catch up & comment further..

@Heartbeats0708 six months sounds like a good timescale.

I’m thinking about six-nine months as my kids are still very young. Also my ex has requested that I don’t have a partner in the house while they’re there due to Covid. But the more I think about that the more I wonder if this is a control thing and not really about Covid.

@Stayingstrongish
I would say that's a control thing, I bet nothing has been said about family and friends visiting

Was supposed to have date 0.5 with ms Driver yesterday, but she bailed, said it after effects of booster (she had it in the morning), but saying that I was quite pleased as well as I felt like shite last night, did a home test & that was negative.
We chat a bit on WhatsApps, but I’m not too keen on some of her opinions on a few things.
Also I jokingly asked her what sort of things she liked for Christmas and she sent me a link for some nipple clamps !, 😟, not sure if she was joking or not,

@Stayingstrongish Of course its about control, once Covid has gone it will be something else.
So its ok for you to meet a man outside of your house and bring 'germs' back in to your house but not for a man to bring his own germs in🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

@Heartbeats0708 Its interesting to read the reasons you want them to meet and that its not so you can spend more time together because I think sometimes people go in to fast and before you know it the children have no time alone with their mum (or dad)

@StartingAgain6369 and @SortingItOut thanks for your thoughts. Yes nothing said about other visitors, just about MrBeard. I need to get financial independence really, then I will start doing things more my way.

To be honest I’m happy keeping MrBeard separate from the kids for now though. I see them as two very different parts of my life and wouldn’t want a partner to start spending much time with my children.

@FabulousMrFifty so difficult gauging someone’s sense of humour over messaging isn’t it! Perhaps she might have felt like telling you non-jokey things would be too much like dropping hints and angling for a present.

@FabulousMrFifty the opinions thing is also tricky. I guess you have to decide what you can let go and what would be a dealbreaker.

@FabulousMrFifty, I think it depends what the opinions are on. I would find it difficult to be around someone who was racist or sexist, and probably a vehement anti vaxxer. Recently removed a couple of those from my Facebook 'friends'. My list of requirements for a partner doesn't ever really start with anything physical or material and is much more about their character and outlook.

@FabulousMrFifty sorry your date 0.5 got cancelled. Without any F2F time you can't really get to know someone so views and jokes can be a strange on WhatsApp. I always check with MrDublin when I'm unsure as he's basically a stream of a consciousness with jokes attached. But I love that ❤️

@SortingItOut are you going to court? My ex tried to do this to me too and whilst it's still in U.K. law that you can insert a cohabitation clause which impacts maintenance, it's very rarely invoked. The judge in our hearing struck it out. As there is also a Human Rights 'right to a private life' that U.K. family law will respect. So whilst you're right to be cautious about merging finances etc, in THEORY. it shouldn't have any impact on any legal outcomes. But I know it's easier to keep the peace when you've got your eyes on the prize. The prize being, get out of there with your sanity intact.

Although echoing @Onesmallstep67 if someone is clearly racist etc they don't get to stick around

Thanks all, no she is not racist or sexist or anti vaccine, if anything she is almost too pro vaccine, she seems to think everyone should have Covid passports for everything, hospital, Drs visits, ability to claim benefits, shopping etc.
I’m pro vaccine. But I’m also a bit liberal, and understand it’s a free country,
But saying the above I also think Covid passports could help drive uptake

And I have regular blocked people on FB who views I really don’t like, had a block a Scottish woman I used to work with as she was so offensively anti English ( sorry to any Scots…)

@BelladiMamma I think you meant to tag @Stayingstrongish
I'm lucky enough to not have any ties to my ex after our divorce.

@FabulousMrFifty

Thanks all, no she is not racist or sexist or anti vaccine, if anything she is almost too pro vaccine, she seems to think everyone should have Covid passports for everything, hospital, Drs visits, ability to claim benefits, shopping etc. I’m pro vaccine. But I’m also a bit liberal, and understand it’s a free country, But saying the above I also think Covid passports could help drive uptake

Hmmm 🤔 there are some countries going with that view as well. But I agree it's pretty draconian. It just depends if she's a 'ranter' or not as then you worry how that translates into small scale disagreements.

Got MrDublin coming down tonight. He's just out of iso and testing negative and he's cooking risotto for me. What a dude. Can't wait to see him again.

[quote SortingItOut]**@BelladiMamma* I think you meant to tag @Stayingstrongish*
I'm lucky enough to not have any ties to my ex after our divorce.[/quote]
Sorry 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's all the 's's and using the phone 📞

Apologies

@BelladiMamma if your comment about court was for me, I’m keen to avoid that as my solicitor warned me you need £10,000 up front - which I don’t have!

At the moment my ex is still contributing to the mortgage. Once I have my own place and am paying for everything myself I’ll be much more independent and not have to take my ex’s views into account. But I don’t want to merge finances or live with another guy again, not till my kids are much much older and towering over me anyway!

@Stayingstrongish you don’t have to take your exes views into account on anything other than parenting your kids. Don’t fall into that trap and feel beholden to him while finances are muddled. I was so conscious of keeping my ex sweet this summer while we were in mediation and doing our separation agreement and buying him out of house- but it came at a cost to my mental health. I won’t be doing it again. I will be respectful and try and co-parent amicably but I’m not stopping living my life and he won’t dictate the terms on which I live it.
I also have no plans to make Mr L a huge part of my kids lives or live with him.
@Heartbeats0708 I like your reasoning for introducing Mr D- I too would like my kids to meet Mr L but not push a relationship - more of a ‘Hi how are you’ chat when they happen to see him but nothing more really. I’m starting to think of when and how - won’t be for some months yet.