Dating Thread 221 - will this thread see us through 'till Christmas?

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@InABetterPlaceNow

I made a bit of a faux pas earlier today with MrT. Can you all reassure me a little? Damn my anxious side. I just feel like I'm going to ruin everything. Definitely have work to do.

Obviously he mentioned the Covid and I sent a few texts trying to be some kind of ninja white knight. It was an instinct, but offering all the support, what does it mean for this and that in his life (his vulnerable mum lives with him and he had Xmas plans with DD). I caught myself and then said I'll leave him to figure stuff out but I'm here if he needs me.

He thanked me and said he'll be in contact later. Urrrgh. There's a whole lot of unlearning to do. He's so damn good for me in learning boundaries. I've been in a weird headspace today going out and getting what I need sorted (in case he's passed the lurgy to me - very likely) while not needing to fix stuff for him.

Please tell me I'm not just utterly broken and I'm doing a good enough job in catching myself!!

Hi @InABetterPlaceNow. In what way do you see this as a faux pas? What's your specific concern?

@BelladiMamma @PurpleStripyScarf

Thank you both. It's another example of where I feel like I've done the wrong thing when you look at a "text book" despite it coming from a good place, and being unable to relax. Perfectionism at its worst.

I could just sense that he was feeling like he had to reply to my questions but was off. So I said to go take some time.

In his mind, I probably did great (right?). Expressed concern and interest and then realised he was super busy working stuff out with ex and DD and how Xmas will happen and all that stuff and backed off.

I just have to really think through all this stuff as it's so out of my past experiences. Hopefully he will never know!!

Had my LFT came up positive this morning and I felt I'd passed it to him and all the consequences that would have flowed out of that I think I would have spontaneously combusted on the spot.

I really need to chill the F out 🤣😂

I did mention the worry about it being "my fault" immediately to which he said "There's no blame to be had or shared 😘" prior to me taking my own LFT. What a grown up answer. 🙄

Bleh. He's good for me to learn all this crap, even if it doesn't work out long term 🙄

@InABetterPlaceNow If you're naturally a fixer/rescuer/people pleaser you automatically go back to that when someone 'needs help'.
Its good you recognised it and pulled back. It is not your place to rescue or fix any issues related to Covid.

I'm a natural rescuer and fixer and did that for my 17yr marriage so to meet someone who doesn't need rescuing or fixing takes a lot of getting used to but once used to it, it feels bloody great not to be needed for mundane crap

Oh goodness @InABetterPlaceNow sorry that your anxiety is playing you! You've done nothing wrong ... but MrsAnxiety needs to give you a break for Christmas 🎄

I've had a Christmas WhatsApp from MrBear from a new number. It made me a little sad for him because I blocked him on his other numbers after he took DD's laptop hostage after we broke up. It was a really shitty move on his part at the time, he offered to have it fixed then kept it for ages deadlier it being her school laptop. I kept asking for it back, every week or so over 2 months. This was when I had my accident and he was completely dismissive of it. I've looked at the message so he's probably had the dreaded blue ticks. Shall I block and delete or reply? (Then block and delete)? Or just ignore.

I think the fact that I'm confused about how to communicate with him is enough indication to me that I don't want him in my life. I'm still so angry about what he did with DD's laptop.

*despite not deadlier

[quote SortingItOut]@InABetterPlaceNow If you're naturally a fixer/rescuer/people pleaser you automatically go back to that when someone 'needs help'.
Its good you recognised it and pulled back. It is not your place to rescue or fix any issues related to Covid.

I'm a natural rescuer and fixer and did that for my 17yr marriage so to meet someone who doesn't need rescuing or fixing takes a lot of getting used to but once used to it, it feels bloody great not to be needed for mundane crap[/quote]
Thank you!! ❤️ Yup that exactly it. It's refreshing to know I don't need to do it, apparently. I know he's got this, but would let me know if he needs me in some way.

Strange new world. That I intend (even if things don't work out between us) to aim for in the future. Feels really good, even though it's pushing all my "what am I good for then" buttons 😅😂

Apparently it's for the chats and laughs and (probably the DTD stuff which IMO is great and likely to get better 🙈)

@InABetterPlaceNow
Your messages are bang on with MrT and looking at it from my male perspective his responses are great too.

From what you have detailed you've got some great building blocks to go forward into the future

@BelladiMamma
No to MrBear, don't go back

[quote StartingAgain6369]@BelladiMamma
No to MrBear, don't go back[/quote]
Yup

Ignore, block, delete or all of the above? No point in an explanation is there? As anyone else wouldn't have done that in the first place?

Ahh, thanks all. I like him at lot at this point. A lot a lot. Feel like I'm on the line of "trying not to screw it all up" vs "this is me, can you handle it"? But we've been doing this dance from the start and I have good vibes - we shall see!

@BelladiMamma can you give some backstory on MrBear? I think this was before my time. And may help you frame your thoughts. I have negative connotations with it so I'm on the "don't even think about it" train already 🤣😂

Hi all, sorry for being out of the loop - am trying to catch up but about 20 pages since I last checked I think!

Have been laid low with a terrible cold that's apparently not covid. And before that mr story came to stay. He's actually ended up staying most of the past week and being really sweet and looking after me / making me soup etc. He's been flat hunting in the area too so it's been convenient for him, but I think he mostly just wanted to be here.

So there's been quite a lot of progress since his trip and it feels really lovely!

Although I'm now worried he's a bit of an anxious attacher / wants to be around me all the time, and I'm going to have to be careful not to give in as I think he stayed maybe one night too much for me (last night) and now I'm really looking forward to 'coming back to myself' if that makes sense?

He's invited me on a trip to devon / dorset / bristol for around five days where we'd drop into a few of his extended family / friends etc over new year. I said yes but then told a friend who said was I sure and it seemed a bit intense. He didn't know anything else about the relationship and the last time I spoke to him I did tell him about my lovebombing ex so he's probably influenced by that. This guy feels entirely different, especially as there has been no grand statements, and we moved at a slow pace up until now, but I'm now worrying if this is too much / a red flag that he wants to spend all that time?

"Shall I block and delete or reply? (Then block and delete)? Or just ignore."

On this bit alone. Before context.

If you have feelings you want to eeeeek out. Reply, and block.

Otherwise ignore, delete and block.

Stone cold b time. If someone is done in your life, block and ignore. They had their chance.

If it's someone you want to fight for you? Do the message then block and make him figure out a route to come back (however this is bad advice as who wants that drama?!)

So block and ignore is my advice, even without context.

@InABetterPlaceNow

Ahh, thanks all. I like him at lot at this point. A lot a lot. Feel like I'm on the line of "trying not to screw it all up" vs "this is me, can you handle it"? But we've been doing this dance from the start and I have good vibes - we shall see!

@BelladiMamma can you give some backstory on MrBear? I think this was before my time. And may help you frame your thoughts. I have negative connotations with it so I'm on the "don't even think about it" train already 🤣😂

Met him on bumble and we were together about 3 months? He was on the surface nice and charming and attentive but there was a lot of interference in my daily life.

This sounds ungrateful but it's all about context. He used to send flowers every Monday and would bring presents every time he saw me. Then he'd tell me my cleaners weren't doing a good job because he spotted a cobweb. Got too involved helping me with my tech and would turn up with wifi boosters or new chargers etc. The laptop issue was almost like the proverbial straw ... then he kept DD's laptop for ages before returning a brand new one. It was very stressful for me as DD was behind on her schoolwork and I'd had a bad accident so was pretty much bed bound for 6 weeks or so.

I let him know the reasons for the break up at the time and after I got the laptop back (I had to send a courier to MrBear's house to get it), I was so angry about the whole thing that I said goodbye and blocked him.

@BelladiMamma My advice, block. No need for an explanation (easy for me to say I know!).

All the lovebomb and critical things that would turn into criticism about you and withdrawing the "love". Wanting to be a fixer without giving you agency.

He might have been useful for a period in your life (life does seem to give you such things at times!) but he's outlived his usefulness and you are onto big and better (and more suited) things now!

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]@BelladiMamma My advice, block. No need for an explanation (easy for me to say I know!).

All the lovebomb and critical things that would turn into criticism about you and withdrawing the "love". Wanting to be a fixer without giving you agency.

He might have been useful for a period in your life (life does seem to give you such things at times!) but he's outlived his usefulness and you are onto big and better (and more suited) things now![/quote]
Yes agreed. It's also wrong to message someone when you know they're blocked you elsewhere.

Right. I'll do that now as I don't want to open a conversation with him.

@BelladiMamma Yup. Complete lack of boundaries. On top of all the other stuff? Massive red flags.

If he's potentially the love of your life, crack on 😝 Otherwise, this is definitely one to let go ❤️

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]@BelladiMamma Yup. Complete lack of boundaries. On top of all the other stuff? Massive red flags.

If he's potentially the love of your life, crack on 😝 Otherwise, this is definitely one to let go ❤️[/quote]
Oh yes I must have forgotten to contact him again when I realised that he was right about my cleaner all along and I should have fired her even though she's seen me through thick and thin and always been there for me 🤣🤣🤣

@BelladiMamma I mean... after 3 months he knows far more about you than you do yourself right?! No one else in your life can sort things the way he can, he sees everything going wrong in your life and has all the answers you just have to do everything the way he says and be grateful for everything he does for you.

🤢🤮 Sorry. You may have triggered some past trauma. Even if that wasn't spot on, I'm sure it ticked a few boxes!!

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]@BelladiMamma I mean... after 3 months he knows far more about you than you do yourself right?! No one else in your life can sort things the way he can, he sees everything going wrong in your life and has all the answers you just have to do everything the way he says and be grateful for everything he does for you.

🤢🤮 Sorry. You may have triggered some past trauma. Even if that wasn't spot on, I'm sure it ticked a few boxes!![/quote]
Don't worry I was married to one of those as well ... I saw it pretty quickly for what it was, reminded him of the sort of person I was and asked him to respect that. Cue tantrums and then self justification. And my exit - but not before the bloody laptop gets taken hostage!!!

What is it about these guys. They have the same playbook 😠

@StartingAgain33
Would this trip be the first 5 nighter away with him?

@Isitreallyme1277 & @MizK ❤️❤️❤️

@BelladiMamma
To do what he did regarding a child's laptop is totally inexcusable, block for sure.

+1 about cleaners, miss my old one terribly but will be seeing her tomorrow to give her a pressie

Absolutely they do. (I think that's why I challenged MrT so much at the start though I'm still mindful. He said on Monday "You thought I was an arsehole". My response was "Yes, and while I'm fairly confident you aren't at this point, you could still be because the best Narcs are those who cover that stuff up intentionally").

I might have lied about zero heavy talk. Things seems to come up now and then and we discuss. Seems healthy I think? He has an idea of where I'm coming from and that it will take a long time for me to trust him.

Don't tell him this, but I think he might not be an arsehole. (Sorry to circle back to me!)

[quote StartingAgain6369]@BelladiMamma
To do what he did regarding a child's laptop is totally inexcusable, block for sure.

+1 about cleaners, miss my old one terribly but will be seeing her tomorrow to give her a pressie[/quote]
Yeah. He's blocked, for the third time on a third number. The thing about other numbers is that he could have been checking out my WhatsApp profile pic or on an Instagram account checking out my pictures etc (although my insta is private).

It's not great. But dealt with.