Dating Thread 221 - will this thread see us through 'till Christmas?

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote Onesmallstep67]**@ibelieveinmirrorballs, I think it’s more than okay to ask Mr Mixtape if you can sync schedules for possible free times he’s got in which you can meet. I’d imagine that he knows when he has his DC and other commitments. How available are you? Sorry, is it you that has a whole week free? You and betterplace joined at a similar time and I know that one of you is child free for a week. Of course the other factor holding some people back from plans is what may or may not be announced re: effing Covid 🤦🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Yes his response before was that maybe we could meet over Christmas/NY, but that his kids would be there and he wouldn't know till nearer the time what their movements were going to be and when he'd be free. I haven't mentioned it since then.

Good point re. Covid. I think we're all a bit hamstrung by the new variant in terms of plan making.

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]@ibelieveinmirrorballs Also, on the comma piece, I also struggle with similar thoughts. I'm noticing a pattern with MrT that when we see each other in person he drops down to super infrequent texting which initially raises my anxiety massively. We talked about that when it first happened and he said he's happy to provide any reassurance I need (and I felt super needy for bringing it up 😅).

I'm now starting to realise that he's all topped up from the meet so doesn't feel any need to be particularly connected. I expect he'll start to miss me at some point / he'll get a bit less busy and I'll get longer convos / some video chats. I also know that if I get particularly anxious he'd make time for me, and just knowing that helps.

For now, to help my anxiety, I'm framing things as... things were super good on Monday, and if we're not talking then nothing can happen to wobble that 😂 that includes not checking his SM to see what he's up to or checking to see if he's been online on his messaging app (not that I would EVER do these things 🙄). It's helping but I'm having to do a lot of reflection / rewiring of my old patterns.[/quote]
Yes this is what I'm thinking too, and the contact ramps up ahead of a meet for probably similar reasons. Anxiety is a bastard!

Feeling double shit? More sensitive to pain, migraine, general aches and pains. Tummy cramps, disrupted sleep, higher body temperature. Hormonal changes which could trigger different reactions.

None that have these symptoms, ( or told me ), maybe I’ve just been lucky or stupid

😞 MrT just tested positive on a LFT. I've just done one myself which was clear, and don't have symptoms... I'm OK to go out and buy ALL of Xmas today, right? Will daily LFT for a while too.

Stoopid Covid...

@FabulousMrFifty

Feeling double shit? More sensitive to pain, migraine, general aches and pains. Tummy cramps, disrupted sleep, higher body temperature. Hormonal changes which could trigger different reactions.

None that have these symptoms, ( or told me ), maybe I’ve just been lucky or stupid

Wow. Bloody hell. Either lucky them, or foolish them for keeping quiet about it

... I may be old fashioned but I take a keen interest in all human health including mental health, hormonal changes, health as we grow older etc. I think it's a helpful way to understand the human race better as so many things are dictated by health and general physical well-being, including relationships ❤️

@InABetterPlaceNow

😞 MrT just tested positive on a LFT. I've just done one myself which was clear, and don't have symptoms... I'm OK to go out and buy ALL of Xmas today, right? Will daily LFT for a while too.

Stoopid Covid...

Yes. Do all of Christmas today and then keep a low profile! 🎄

@InABetterPlaceNow As long as you're double vaccinated you can do whatever you like.
Personally I'd be taking extra precautions and limiting contact (as well as getting a food shop in just in case)

Thanks both! Yup double vaccinated. He's going to get his PCR booked but was a pretty solid line. We have enough LFTs in for me to daily test.

Will be a good kick up the butt for me to get everything done today then settle in to hibernate for the festive period.

New thing to work on, stay boundaried and not worry too much about how this messes up all his plans for Xmas! Poor thing.

I'm LFTing daily after my weekend of social events, clear so far. Selfishly I've not done today's yet as I had to go to the post office.

Tomorrow I have to collect the food from the farm shop but that's me done then, no plans that involve people or outdoors until 28th.
If I test +ive before collecting the food I'll ask the farm shop if I can pay over the phone and just collect it if they leave it in the carpark. It's timed slots anyway so sure it will be fine.

I think i need my head settling a little bit because i'm really in 'worry-mode' for some reason. Could be 'cycle-linked' @SortingItOut i think you raised this a while back? Where you're mood dips and things seem shaky with MrK (or perhaps i've confused you...hope not)
I wrote earlier to magnet-man just saying that i'm fearful he'll lose interest given all the obstacles/time/distance... he's written back that 'of course he won't lose interest, and that he's always been here and is still here' so why is my head refusing to just accept things are better than fine, that they are actually gooooood! Because in behaving this way i come across as beyond needy and i can feel how unbelievably unattractive this is...

@Naimee87 Do you track your cycle? Do you know wherecin the cycle you are right now?

Ovulation occurs 10-14 days before your period starts, estrogen and progesterone reduce and in turn your mood does.

Having tracked my 'dump Mr K' thoughts for 4 months I can confirm that in my case this is true and always falls on a weekend no matter when I last saw him.

I have never told him about it and I manage to sit on my hands as I know its irrational.

@SortingItOut I actually am really bad at tracking and don't take any type of birth control either (due to other medication the pill isn't an option) And after reading your post it sort of rang true for a dip in my mood that was happening 'randomly' every month. My next one is due on the 2nd of January, so perhaps this could be cycle linked then as the timing would fit? I just wish i was better at sitting on my hands as i remind myself of the way MrE was and he just came across so needy and it was a huge turn-off! I think i had sort of convinced myself tonight would happen for me and magnet-man and it'd be a christmas present to us both... so perhaps that's also a factor.

@Naimee87 Its perfect timing to be at ovulation stage right now, and of course not seeing him tonight would be disappointing.

I sit on my hands because I know if Mr K sent a message about us not working out or showing insecurity I'd run a mile plus of course for the other 30 days of the month I never show any feelings so why change the habit of a lifetime😂

OK so i guess i'm not totally going crazy then! But it is in my head and i need to be careful. What would i do without your wise helpful words of advice. Would be nice if i could just mirror his take on everything and be as calm and zen as he is. Maybe all his secrets are enclosed in the bumbag and this is why its on him at all times! ....

@Naimee87 My mantra is 'what will be, will be'.
Its helped me a lot since my marriage breakdown, I don't stress about things outside of my control.
If Mr K and I finished I'd be sad but we've had a great time and I'd look back fondly.
I can't change myself or him so I'd accept it and carry on with my life.

I have 2 bumbags, 1 for dog walking and 1 for nights out (black and gold and dressy)

Oh my god! You do! Perhaps i should invest as well, see if we can get them back out into the mainstream public i think we've as much chance of that happening as getting socks and sandals to ever be accepted! Feeling much better already. ThankYou!!!!

I'm feeling a bit wobbly too despite my loved-up post the other day. I think I'm freaking out a bit because I can feel how strong my feelings are getting. I'm almost trying to talk myself out of them?
Can't link to cycle due to BC, perhaps it's the intensity of seeing then not seeing him. I'm ready to introduce to DC but can't figure out when and how to do it.
Messaging is usually pretty good but it feels less flirty than it used to and I've already said how I miss the text flirt/sext.
I wonder if it's a loss of interest or just getting comfortable. My gut says the latter but I realised in therapy that I thrive on the validation- not by different men but definitely the one I'm seeing.

@Heartbeats0708 @Naimee87 sorry you're both feeling wobbly. Everyone seems to be; I'm hearing about lots of disrupted plans and of course there's the Covid uncertainty going into next year as well. This is something that just be at play too? For both sides?

In any case, I recommend chocolate and a cosy film 🎥 or lovely music 🎶

@Heartbeats0708 Its definitely getting comfortable, I miss all the sexting with Mr K.
Its interesting that therapy helped you realise you need validation from the man you're with. I think we all need to know our boyfriend likes us but I'm guessing yours is more than that.

I think its hard when you develop feelings not to worry about the what ifs, try to embrace them.

How long have you and Mr D been together? Do you need to introduce kids yet?

Thanks @BelladiMamma chocolate is off the cards for me at the minute but some self care is definitely needed, including a comforting film.
@SortingItOut I throw him a line now and again but our texts are more checking in/arranging times to see each other. I miss the connection though.
Yeah I expect it's linked to a bit of self esteem issues, working on it, but the physical attraction and aspect of any relationship is really important to me. Probably a hang up from being cheated on, needing to know I'm still "good enough"?
Over 6 months together now, I don't needs to introduce kids (just mine, he hasn't got any) but I want to. He's an important part of my life and I want him to meet the other important people! No rush or pressure from anywhere mind.

@Heartbeats0708 6 months is about what I'm aiming for, if things continue to go well (and will judge when it comes to that). What ages are the kids?

I've given it a tiny bit of headspace and I'm currently thinking something like bowling (our kids are all pre teen upwards) - neutral ground and lots of space as needed. We've agreed to discuss in more depth if it gets to that point so will see what he thinks.

I'll be interested to see what you decide and how it goes!!

@Heartbeats0708

Thanks *@BelladiMamma* chocolate is off the cards for me at the minute but some self care is definitely needed, including a comforting film. *@SortingItOut* I throw him a line now and again but our texts are more checking in/arranging times to see each other. I miss the connection though. Yeah I expect it's linked to a bit of self esteem issues, working on it, but the physical attraction and aspect of any relationship is really important to me. Probably a hang up from being cheated on, needing to know I'm still "good enough"? Over 6 months together now, I don't needs to introduce kids (just mine, he hasn't got any) but I want to. He's an important part of my life and I want him to meet the other important people! No rush or pressure from anywhere mind.

This ain't the easiest time of year. But there is something about what we are all going through that I hope is reassuring to you? ❤️

I made a bit of a faux pas earlier today with MrT. Can you all reassure me a little? Damn my anxious side. I just feel like I'm going to ruin everything. Definitely have work to do.

Obviously he mentioned the Covid and I sent a few texts trying to be some kind of ninja white knight. It was an instinct, but offering all the support, what does it mean for this and that in his life (his vulnerable mum lives with him and he had Xmas plans with DD). I caught myself and then said I'll leave him to figure stuff out but I'm here if he needs me.

He thanked me and said he'll be in contact later. Urrrgh. There's a whole lot of unlearning to do. He's so damn good for me in learning boundaries. I've been in a weird headspace today going out and getting what I need sorted (in case he's passed the lurgy to me - very likely) while not needing to fix stuff for him.

Please tell me I'm not just utterly broken and I'm doing a good enough job in catching myself!!

@Heartbeats0708 sorry that wasn't very well
Phrased - even though it's shit, we are all facing some odd times.

But Christmas is hard for those of us with a wee bit of emotional baggage. With therapy and lots of work on myself I feel pretty sanguine. It's midwinter and it's a national holiday. One day, I will go back to carols and church services and houses full of family and friends. Just not yet. And it's oddly comforting to me that 99.9% of the population is living through this with me
❤️❤️❤️🎄🎄🎄

@InABetterPlaceNow

I made a bit of a faux pas earlier today with MrT. Can you all reassure me a little? Damn my anxious side. I just feel like I'm going to ruin everything. Definitely have work to do.

Obviously he mentioned the Covid and I sent a few texts trying to be some kind of ninja white knight. It was an instinct, but offering all the support, what does it mean for this and that in his life (his vulnerable mum lives with him and he had Xmas plans with DD). I caught myself and then said I'll leave him to figure stuff out but I'm here if he needs me.

He thanked me and said he'll be in contact later. Urrrgh. There's a whole lot of unlearning to do. He's so damn good for me in learning boundaries. I've been in a weird headspace today going out and getting what I need sorted (in case he's passed the lurgy to me - very likely) while not needing to fix stuff for him.

Please tell me I'm not just utterly broken and I'm doing a good enough job in catching myself!!

I think he'll see that those messages come from a good place. You've said it all because you care. The last thing you'll want is him really leaning on you now anyway - as it's too soon and you've no doubt got things to get on with ... but he'll have felt the positive spirit it came from and that's a good thing.

You can just hang back and send him the odd text (2 a day if he's not answering) to let him know you're thinking of him ❤️