Dating Thread 221 - will this thread see us through 'till Christmas?

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@StartingAgain6369 my DS is the smallest in his class... and has been for a while. It didn't bother him too much but i think lately some of his friends have also gone through noticeable growth-spurts. He is also really fair with a face full of freckles so stands out even more. We've definitely got some irish roots in the family somewhere, as well as scottish. Could be a massive generalization but i do think 'europeans' tend to be taller than the British as i am fairly short compared to a lot of the other mum's i'm good friends with here. But i'd rather be short than tall, i think tall women had a hard time sometimes a bit like shorter men when it comes to dating. The last wack-job i dated was 5'6 and definitely had 'little man' syndrome!

@teesguy
Seriously don’t let it get to you, use the rules at the top as your mantra, nothing is real until it’s real, as for apps, yes I found it was generally the same faces across all, plenty more fish in the sea

@Naimee87
Surprised about the tall women comment, I thought most super models were tall and really slim (not my cup of tea), but would have thought tall women would be inundated with suitors?

I'm relatively tall (only 5'8 though so nothing unusual) and personally love it, although I do know girls who are very tall tend to feel very conspicuous and self-conscious as they grow up. My DD (12 and also fairly tall; already 5'6) has a close friend who is about 5'10 already and only 11y and she hates it. I think she's gorgeous but I think it's that whole thing as a teen/pre-teen of really not wanting to stand out and be different.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I don't think slightly reduced messaging means much if everything else is going well.
I definitely think that once you've 'got' your person you don't need to impress them quite as much and they're not on your mind 24/7 so messaging reduces.

In the beginning Mr K and I messaged all day every day but now we message a few times a day.

I also think this time of year is busy for some people, its year end and also having the xmas break means less time to get your job done so you're extra busy trying to get ahead for the new year.
I'm working up to lunch time on xmas eve and it will be manic until then.
I've barely got time to message friends or Mr K.

I'm not sure what your job is but it sounds like its one where you have some down time during the day and can message but Mr Mr Mixtape's job doesn't sound like that.

What have you got on this week that you can distract yourself with?, this constant anxiety/worrying must be so draining and definitely not good for you.

Remember men should enhance your life and not be your life.

Thanks @SortingItOut - we both have jobs which vary between being so busy we definitely can't speak and quieter days, and on those quieter days Mr Mixtape has been known to want to spend lots of time chatting. In other words - when it suits him, he's up for it. However it's true to say that if we ever want to speak during the working day both of us message first to check neither are in a meeting. And we rarely do that, either of us, because we do respect the fact we both have demanding jobs.

I got a prescription of propranolol yesterday and had that for the first time - it's definitely made a massive difference, really impressed with it. Non addictive and just interrupts the body's response to stress so the physical symptoms fade out. Therapist thinks I'm having some sort of PTSD trigger response at the moment, I don't know what it is but it has felt completely physical (ie flight/fight response type of thing) and therefore something very hard to interrupt or limit myself.

I'm also working till Friday, have tons to do, not a single present wrapped, builders left yesterday, have a functional but basic kitchen, no dining table for Christmas, mother arriving this afternoon, spare room not made up, etc etc etc - so plenty to be thinking about and getting on with!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs 5'10 at 11? That's really tall, my gosh! I didn't mean to insult any women who are on the taller side. I agree with taller women being fairly more glamoures naturally. Although model figures are gross in my opinion i'd rather be short and curvy... my sister has the complete opposite shape to me and is more stick-insecty with long legs and is 5'7! Which she likes. Given she is wiser and taller i'm unsure if she is really the younger one...

I like the comment about light-messaging being a good sign. I think constant checking-in can come across as really needy which is such a turn-off. But admittedly me and magnet-man do text on a daily basis somedays waaay more than others. We had a conversation about this ages ago and he said i can message whenever i want and depending on how heavy his day is he'll repsond when he can. I wish i could say i'd relaxed into 'us' and didn't need the 'text/messaging' reassurance but i still do. I suppose because our escapes are really hard to plan/make definite we have to keep the spark alive somehow!

You weren't insulting @Naimee87 - we're all different hey - I have twin DDs and one is very tall, the other quite short - at age 12 there is at least 6 inches between them!

I think part of what is unsettling me re. the contact is that we don't have another arrangement to meet and like you and MM meeting is not easy. @SortingItOut do you have any tips for how to navigate this..? I don't want to suggest something else around festive period as he has his kids (and we've covered this before ) but I think it would really help for me to have an idea when we might next be able to meet. I also know that he's so busy and focused on getting ready for Christmas etc that the thought of discussing plans for the NY won't have entered his head at all.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs What do you know so far about his plans for Christmas/New Year?

I think you could ask for a tentative date for a meet up in the New Year so you've got something pencilled in but don't mention it in a way to put pressure on him because he may feel that you are trying to get him to meet over him seeing family and friends and we must not forget that you haven't known each other long. No one wants to be made to feel like they've got to prioritise a new 'girlfriend' over family and friends.

Do you think in the New Year you can try to get a regular slot to meet up so there is always sonething pencilled in or do your jobs/home not work like that?

I also think that some people are not natural planners and like to go with the flow whereas it seems you would like something planned to try and ease the anxiety around him.
Just be mindful that once he's set a date you don't then hyperfocus on another solution when your anxiety raises it head otherwise you're constantly fighting a losing battle.

Its good you've got some medication to try and help manage this anxiety.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs, I think it’s more than okay to ask Mr Mixtape if you can sync schedules for possible free times he’s got in which you can meet. I’d imagine that he knows when he has his DC and other commitments. How available are you? Sorry, is it you that has a whole week free? You and betterplace joined at a similar time and I know that one of you is child free for a week. Of course the other factor holding some people back from plans is what may or may not be announced re: effing Covid 🤦🏻‍♀️

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I don’t think there’s an issue with saying when you do have your call , do you want to check our calendars and see when we can meet up in the new year. Mr L always does that with me as I’m the one with the family constraints. Then it comes across as efficient planning
-also re comms I agree that when you are settled somewhat with someone the comms can be slower or more sporadic. Mr L is like Mr mixtape in that he will always respond if I text but he’s not a big texter generally so for example we didn’t contact each other at all yesterday I was busy and then a bit miserable after my jab and he is out on site working so knew he was busy too. I fully expect he will call tonight or message so I’m relaxed about it.

I agree with the others @ibelieveinmirrorballs in that there's no harm in asking for a solid idea on the next meet (in a really non pressured way). If you remember, a few weeks back after we first DTD I came away really anxious as we hadn't set another meet. He's just assumed it was a given I think and that we'd figure it out nearly the time (his CF / social life changes on a daily basis and mine requires a little pre planning as Ex doesn't have them so there's nothing "regular").

Especially with it being Xmas atm the moment I'm more comfy with nothing being properly planned as we're both super busy right now and I'm starting to trust in whatever this is a bit more.

Though the other week he was moaning about how one of his hobbies went and he was trying to think of an excuse to get out of it. I jokingly said "how about you say that night is now 'sex night' with you not as labelled girlfriend". He didn't see the joke so much (was over text) and asked if I actually wanted to make "sex night" a thing? 🤣😂 I quickly backtracked as I feel it's too soon to ask my nearly 18 year old for a regular slot babysitting wise, but I think we'll eventually figure something like this out 😂😂

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Also, on the comma piece, I also struggle with similar thoughts. I'm noticing a pattern with MrT that when we see each other in person he drops down to super infrequent texting which initially raises my anxiety massively. We talked about that when it first happened and he said he's happy to provide any reassurance I need (and I felt super needy for bringing it up 😅).

I'm now starting to realise that he's all topped up from the meet so doesn't feel any need to be particularly connected. I expect he'll start to miss me at some point / he'll get a bit less busy and I'll get longer convos / some video chats. I also know that if I get particularly anxious he'd make time for me, and just knowing that helps.

For now, to help my anxiety, I'm framing things as... things were super good on Monday, and if we're not talking then nothing can happen to wobble that 😂 that includes not checking his SM to see what he's up to or checking to see if he's been online on his messaging app (not that I would EVER do these things 🙄). It's helping but I'm having to do a lot of reflection / rewiring of my old patterns.

Wow you guys sure do chat.

Booster day today for me so am rushing around trying to get the last bits done before I crash out after the booster. Although MrDublin is free tonight so we might get together. That's after MrPoet came over last night and we had a rather nice time. And MrBeau has been back in touch more. So yeah that idea about my mini lockdown and not multi dating just got thrown out of the window 🤣

@teesguy I remember feeling like that after a couple of strange interactions on apps / with guys interested in me. I would say don't take it too personally and don't over analyse. The good thing is, she told you rather than ghosting you. I know that sounds like nothing but the reality of ghosting is pretty shit so ... small mercies.

@VanGoghsDog god I am so pissed off with MrWG right now. Do you think the contact / 'I'm not boyfriend material' pattern is a form of control? Given his shitty behaviour with your friend I think he might be a much more complex and dark person than we'd all assumed. Not nice. I hope your Christmas week is going well ❤️🎄❤️ and that you're enjoying the peace and quiet.

@Naimee87 I'm 5'4, my mum is 5'0, my daughter is 5'6 and my son is 6'0. My male cousins range from 6'0 to 6'8. MrA was 6'4 and I got a real kick out of it. When MrPoet came over last night I got him to reach some stuff for me off the top shelves it was great. He's 6'2. I love being with tall people and feeling like I'm in an alice in wonderland situation. It makes me smile 😊

@WeWantTheFinestWines oh hallelujah for christmases without the toxic ex in laws. I'm definitely feeling the lack of contact with my wider family but I'm determined to get over to see people again soon. My poor Dad, Christmas on his own. Ffs Covid just eff off.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs contact levels vary wildly and it's one of the joys of multi dating to see how different some people are with it. I feel I've got a way better handle on my emotional paranoia around it now though - as emotionally I'm no longer putting all my eggs in one basket and I've found it really liberating. I'm thinking I may never go back to being a one partner person. But never say never! Sometimes, an offer is too good to refuse so let's see 😊

Just to continue on the insta conversation I've had a couple of guys I follow message me recently asking me out for coffee next time I'm in town. They're both who they say they are but I've got no way of knowing if they're single. Tbf I'm not scared of asking people in person. For all my multi dating I'm not into being someone's excuse to cheat. No thank you! Too much of a head f*ck!

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]@ibelieveinmirrorballs Also, on the comma piece, I also struggle with similar thoughts. I'm noticing a pattern with MrT that when we see each other in person he drops down to super infrequent texting which initially raises my anxiety massively. We talked about that when it first happened and he said he's happy to provide any reassurance I need (and I felt super needy for bringing it up 😅).

I'm now starting to realise that he's all topped up from the meet so doesn't feel any need to be particularly connected. I expect he'll start to miss me at some point / he'll get a bit less busy and I'll get longer convos / some video chats. I also know that if I get particularly anxious he'd make time for me, and just knowing that helps.

For now, to help my anxiety, I'm framing things as... things were super good on Monday, and if we're not talking then nothing can happen to wobble that 😂 that includes not checking his SM to see what he's up to or checking to see if he's been online on his messaging app (not that I would EVER do these things 🙄). It's helping but I'm having to do a lot of reflection / rewiring of my old patterns.[/quote]
This is a really healthy attitude!

If anyone I'm seeing / messaging etc contacts me to say 'I saw you did so and so' in a slightly 'I've been watching you' way, not a 'oh wow that looked fun' way, it's an immediate turn off.

It's so hard sometimes when you're in the full grip of a crush or a comedown after DTD ... but you have to remember that this person had a life before you ever met them - and that's what makes them interesting and fun to be around!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs we seem quite similar! Although magnet-man's been on the scene for well over a year now. I tend to take slower/quieter 'messaging days' as dis-interest. But i think the world he lives in is so different to mine given he's on the road all week and lives in another country. He barely has time for himself, friends/family. Since we're in home-office again i've so much time to work, see friends and spend more quality time with DS. I would like to get dates a bit more 'set in stone' but it just isn't feasible. The luckiest we've been is where it's worked 1 night 3 weeks in a row the rest of the time it's all up in the air. Part of me is addicted to the adventure/excitement of not knowing when we'll see each other then 'going to find him' but the other part of me would like a 'fixed' weekend together with him. He's full of promises and always comes through on these as well. I think HE is relaxed into what we are and i wish i could just get on the same page but i'm too much of an overthinker-worrier! This December trip will be quite a good way to see where his head is at. Hopefully he won't have bad side effects and we'll be able to enjoy a few days (well i want the nights reaaaallly if i'm honest) with him!!! There are some who say 'listen to the words' then others 'watch their actions' who know's whats really right...

Hells fuxking bells 🔔
Got my period on booster day
🤣🤣🤣
We women are the playthings of the gods 😠😠😠🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

@Naimee87 hope you can get something fixed with MM 🤞 even if it's a while away it's good to have something to look forward to- likewise @ibelieveinmirrorballs, I'd definitely ask when he might be free for a meet. I understand that he has family commitments but I seem to remember his DC are adult so it's not like he needs to factor in childcare. Quality time with adult DC is ofc important, but just getting a rough date in shouldn't be too big an ask.
Naimee I always wonder about the actions versus words thing too! I suppose I watch out for overpromising and under delivering (actions over words) but at the same time, if someone tells you they aren't ready for a RS but behave as though they're in one, it's words you're meant to pay attention to 🤔
Oh heck @BelladiMamma I don't envy you! Good luck!

@BelladiMamma Even more excuse to wallow in bed😂

@BelladiMamma
Stupid question, but why would that be an issue?

Lovely sunrise this morning

@BelladiMamma

@VanGoghsDog god I am so pissed off with MrWG right now. Do you think the contact / 'I'm not boyfriend material' pattern is a form of control? Given his shitty behaviour with your friend I think he might be a much more complex and dark person than we'd all assumed. Not nice.

Hmmm.....I think it's more abdicating responsibility actually. Being able to say "well, I never said I would be/do xyz". See also being non committal about plans. I told him so many times things need to be planned.

I think also his being busy is avoidance. But he then doesn't like it if the other person is busy too. And I do have a life.

I also told him I don't like it when I don't hear from him. Which is why I felt he'd had enough chances and twelve days of silence when I asked him if we could find a date to meet up was too much.
I've got countless times he backed out of plans, or made vague suggestions then forgot or just didn't do them. I can't think of a single time he turned up at the time he said he would - even coming down to my sister's, he said he was leaving at eleven, it's about a three hour drive, even if he left an hour late and took an hour longer he'd be there at four. Didn't hear from him til six fifteen when I got a text to say he'd stopped to go to the loo. It makes me anxious, not knowing wtf is going on.

One time he texted at 6pm to say he was leaving his to get to mine, which is about half an hour's drive, and he arrived at half past eight. No comms in-between, I had no idea what was going on. Then when he arrives he's all "I take it you've eaten" and of course I bloody haven't, and he doesn't want to eat.....so......urgh!

Maybe it is a form of control. I did feel like he was trying to manage my expectations of it not being a relationship. But that's all just rude to be honest.

And regardless of the status of the "relationship" it's fucking disrespectful and I don't treat friends like that and would bit be friends with someone who treated me like that (well, not fir ling) hence my message to him "I don't want to be friends with someone who treats me with so little respect".

He will console himself that he always told me he wasn't boyfriend material (not what his Tinder profile says, btw) and he'll tell himself I got too attached or something.

[quote SortingItOut]@ibelieveinmirrorballs What do you know so far about his plans for Christmas/New Year?

I think you could ask for a tentative date for a meet up in the New Year so you've got something pencilled in but don't mention it in a way to put pressure on him because he may feel that you are trying to get him to meet over him seeing family and friends and we must not forget that you haven't known each other long. No one wants to be made to feel like they've got to prioritise a new 'girlfriend' over family and friends.

Do you think in the New Year you can try to get a regular slot to meet up so there is always sonething pencilled in or do your jobs/home not work like that?

I also think that some people are not natural planners and like to go with the flow whereas it seems you would like something planned to try and ease the anxiety around him.
Just be mindful that once he's set a date you don't then hyperfocus on another solution when your anxiety raises it head otherwise you're constantly fighting a losing battle.

Its good you've got some medication to try and help manage this anxiety.[/quote]
Nothing other than that his kids are there over the period. One of them lives with him already, the other is coming to stay from tomorrow. And he hasn't got a tree yet and is definitely frazzled/busy. But yes, this weekend will be 2 weeks since our last meet and nothing yet in the diary - I can well imagine he's completely focused on getting to Christmas and nothing beyond that is figuring in his brain, but I would like to vaguely pencil a date. I think I might just let him know the next childfree weekend dates I have for a start. NYE I'm sure he'll have partying plans with his friends but I think it's far too early to want to be a part of that. I'm happy to leave things till the New Year I think.

I think we're at an awkward stage - it has only been three (albeit extensive and very good) meets to now, 2 months of chatting etc. Lots in common, good connection and sexual chemistry, but at the same time - distance between us and both of us looking for a fun/adventure/sex partner but not to cohabit or anything too heavy. I do know that I'm starting to get attached, I do like him and he's a really decent guy. I feel like on the one hand we should be 'seeing what happens' as it's such early days, but there are basic requirements for it to feel comfortable and fun for me which probably means a bit more contact than we're having. Although I'm not looking for anything overly serious for me there was/is a connection there so I can't pretend otherwise.

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@BelladiMamma
Stupid question, but why would that be an issue?

Lovely sunrise this morning[/quote]
Feeling double shit? More sensitive to pain, migraine, general aches and pains. Tummy cramps, disrupted sleep, higher body temperature. Hormonal changes which could trigger different reactions.

Which begs the question, have you ever met a woman on her period 😁

@VanGoghsDog it does sound like a form of control. By not commiting to anything when he knows you want to arrange something he holds all the cards and can decide when to play them.

I had a lovely brunch with my youngest this morning which took my mind off things. She has now got me painting for her!

[quote Heartbeats0708]**@Naimee87* hope you can get something fixed with MM 🤞 even if it's a while away it's good to have something to look forward to- likewise @ibelieveinmirrorballs, I'd definitely ask when he might be free for a meet. I understand that he has family commitments but I seem to remember his DC are adult so it's not like he needs to factor in childcare. Quality time with adult DC is ofc important, but just getting a rough date in shouldn't be too big an ask.
Naimee I always wonder about the actions versus words thing too! I suppose I watch out for overpromising and under delivering (actions over words) but at the same time, if someone tells you they aren't ready for a RS but behave as though they're in one, it's words you're meant to pay attention to 🤔
Oh heck @BelladiMamma* I don't envy you! Good luck![/quote]
I've been burnt before with words > actions and one thing I very much like about Mr Mixtape is that he is all about actions and careful not to overpromise with his words. Despite the fact I KNOW this is better I do however find myself hankering for a bit more flattery

I am definitely going to try and get a rough date in the diary. To be honest, if this is a sticking point I kind of have my answer!

[quote VanGoghsDog]@BelladiMamma

@VanGoghsDog god I am so pissed off with MrWG right now. Do you think the contact / 'I'm not boyfriend material' pattern is a form of control? Given his shitty behaviour with your friend I think he might be a much more complex and dark person than we'd all assumed. Not nice.

Hmmm.....I think it's more abdicating responsibility actually. Being able to say "well, I never said I would be/do xyz". See also being non committal about plans. I told him so many times things need to be planned.

I think also his being busy is avoidance. But he then doesn't like it if the other person is busy too. And I do have a life.

I also told him I don't like it when I don't hear from him. Which is why I felt he'd had enough chances and twelve days of silence when I asked him if we could find a date to meet up was too much.
I've got countless times he backed out of plans, or made vague suggestions then forgot or just didn't do them. I can't think of a single time he turned up at the time he said he would - even coming down to my sister's, he said he was leaving at eleven, it's about a three hour drive, even if he left an hour late and took an hour longer he'd be there at four. Didn't hear from him til six fifteen when I got a text to say he'd stopped to go to the loo. It makes me anxious, not knowing wtf is going on.

One time he texted at 6pm to say he was leaving his to get to mine, which is about half an hour's drive, and he arrived at half past eight. No comms in-between, I had no idea what was going on. Then when he arrives he's all "I take it you've eaten" and of course I bloody haven't, and he doesn't want to eat.....so......urgh!

Maybe it is a form of control. I did feel like he was trying to manage my expectations of it not being a relationship. But that's all just rude to be honest.

And regardless of the status of the "relationship" it's fucking disrespectful and I don't treat friends like that and would bit be friends with someone who treated me like that (well, not fir ling) hence my message to him "I don't want to be friends with someone who treats me with so little respect".

He will console himself that he always told me he wasn't boyfriend material (not what his Tinder profile says, btw) and he'll tell himself I got too attached or something.[/quote]
Dear God he sounds like my exh. That sort of 'I'm on my way' the not hearing from them til they walk in the door at midnight was truly horrific. It became abusive. Horrific behaviour. And whilst he'd never charge for work as he doesn't do that sort of work, he'd haggle with anyone, even mates, over pricing. Of anything. All. The. Fucking. Time.

I just decided that none of the avoidant / trauma excuses were good enough and that he was basically an abusive shit.

You're well out of it. Sorry if it stings now, but I'm glad for you that you're no longer with this man.