Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

@AB10

Thanks for your comments. I must admit that I’m not the easiest to live with sometimes. I clean a lot etc and work full time (as does he) so can be tired, irritable. Never abusive, just probably not that fun. He says he’s worn down by me. I am looking back at messages etc recent and pay, and he’s laughing, putting kisses and saying love you. Sure to can’t be all bad if that was happening? I also said that on a recent holiday that I planned we have nice memories and he said what pictures? Implying that he wasn’t really happy then either. I’m just so devastated for my little boy as I know he loves us both so much and I feel I’ve failed as a wife and keeping us together. Regarding another person, I have asked and he said no. But there has been a distinct checking out of our marriage. I have apologised profusely since he said all these things so much so my sister is insisting I done apologise or tell him I love him any further because all I’m getting back is I’m willing to put up with it because of our son. To give context, both our families have v sick close members and I tried to explain that he may be able to have an easier laugh with others and they are not embroiled in our life. He says that he can’t tell me whether he’s 💯 committed to me and our marriage. Fee lost at sea!

Maybe he's put all the kisses and smileys in the hope you would lighten up and reciprocate?

“ Maybe he's put all the kisses and smileys in the hope you would lighten up and reciprocate?”

@Specsandflowers Perhaps you can find another source of entertainment rather than saying this to a woman in a great deal of pain whose husband has just abandoned her and their young infant.

@AB10

Things have taken a turn for the worse. He said that he was going to a match tomorrow night with ones from work, I said that my mum had offered to babysit so maybe I could come too. Mutually enjoyed sport. His face fell and he said I’d have to buy a ticket. This was untrue as there are two extra tickets (he was trying to pass them off to friend before) I reminded him of this and he just said that he doesn’t like spending time with me. He is going to the match with two other boys and one girl from word. This then led to he has had doubts our whole relationship, he now despises me. And he has packed a suitcase and left. Totally and utterly bereft.

Oh that's just so horrible to read, I'm so sorry OP. What an absolute arsehole. I know it might not feel like it now, but at some point in the future you will look back and realise how better off you are without a man who can be so cruel and vicious towards you, the woman who has just had his baby. MN is full of post from women who have been where you are and have come out the other end happier and often with a new partner who truly adores them (while their exes are miserable and full of regret). Hang on in there, this storm will pass.

Specsandflowers Seriously?!! The OP is in enormous emotional pain, also suffering from PND, and you think this is the moment to take the piss? Go away.

He told you he hates you and walked out the door. Not just leaving you but your young DC.

Now he's texting saying 'you're great'? FUCK. OFF.

He may not have any choice over his feelings, but he certainly has a choice over how he chooses to act. And his choice is to abuse you horribly and cause as much damage as possible.

OP, I know it is hard, but be ANGRY and let the anger fuel you. Stop messaging him back. Don't let him back in the house. Tell him he'll have to make an arrangement to see DC. Get your finances sorted. Speak to a lawyer. I know you don't want to do any of this but you have to. Your husband may come back, yes. But how could you ever trust him again? Knowing that he hates you, knowing that he will blame you for everything, knowing that there was likely someone else all along?

This can't be mended. He's broken your marriage, broken your trust, broken your heart, and broken up your family. What a fucking arsehole. Please find your fury.

Yes. What has probably happened is that he has nowhere to go.

Do not take him back

As several posters have said, he's following a script.

Many of us have heard the same sort of stuff

He’s now texting saying maybe that he just needs some time away to realise and that it’s a not decision he has control over?

He's spoken to the ow and told her he's left you, he's not had the response he wanted from her, so he's now trying to keep a foot in both doors.

Seriously OP you are strong and doing great. Your world has been turned upside down.
He’s deluded. You don’t have to sit crying whilst he decides.
He’s left. His decision.
He’s a shit dad - he’s abandoned his toddler without any thought for his care or well being.
Don’t let him keep texting.
Can someone come to stay or you go there? Don’t be sucked into pretending to play happy families at Christmas he has chosen to go. Don’t hesitate to tell his family he has left you.
I’d email and say he’s chosen to leave. Please don’t text. We need to agree contact and monies in short term. I’m not sure how old your son is but suggest what is best for him - get your mum to hand him over so you don’t have to see him.
I think he’s jumped to soon, I think he thought you’d bend over backwards to be lovely to him over Christmas and he was intending to leave in new year. Now he’s in a mess.
Don’t dwell on what he’s said his words and actions don’t match.
Whatever you think you have done or not done him walking out on 16th December leaving you with a small child isn’t a kind way to behave to anyone let alone woman you have been with for years.
(I’m secretly hoping ‘girl’ at work had said wtf you aren’t staying with me it was only a bit of fun I’m off to x for Christmas and he’s sat in his childhood bedroom not your lovely new house on Christmas Day)

Yes, what GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow says. He turned up at hers with his suitcase and she's reacted badly. So he's now texting you that he's having a wobble because he wants to keep his options open.

Re-read beastlyslumber's excellent post – please find your fury.

It really sounds like he's either having an affair already or on the brink OP. Tell him you need space and want him to stay away from the house for while. Take some control back, he's treated you so disrespectfully

Get angry.

Tiger mama time.

See a solicitor and find out how to proceed.

I'm so sorry - but stepping through this door to independence and freedom from a man who is not committed to the marriage can be the best thing for you. You'll find many accounts from MNers who've lived this truth.

All the best to you and your child.

Thanks everyone. He sent a message this morning asking if LB was up around the same time we would be eating breakfast. I really think he thought he could come round to have breakfast with him. I didn’t reply. Does he not realise that he’s changed our son’s life forever? That he’s not going to be there in the morning for every breakfast? So heartless.

Fucking arsehole thinks he can treat you like this and slither back for breakfast??

Op he thought he was rushing to the open arms of this new interest but has probably had a sharp shock when he showed up with his suitcase. Has he said where he stayed last night?

Keep ignoring, if you do have to speak to him keep it cold and factual.

Also I’m honestly so angry on your behalf. He does not deserve you

Oh OP I am sorry you are going through this. I bet there is OW. I hope you have close people IRL to lean on and stay strong for your little one.

No more texts/Messenger exchanges. Email only. Screenshot all the text conversations you still have up til now, and shift to email. You'll need all the evidence you can gather.

AB10 Good for you not replying! He needs to know he can't lob a grenade into your marriage and your son's life and carry on like nothing's happened. Everything should be on your terms right now. You've got this, OP.

If you can, ignor, ignor, ignor.

This man is now a stranger to you now, keep it impersonal, don't address him in future texts, if he asks about your child keep it about him, nothing about you or the marriage, if possible.
So if he asks about babe say "thank you for asking, Charlie's doing great today, Regards AB10".

Give him nothing.
Talk to him like a stranger, don't ease him out of this situation., he has abandoned his family and should be treated accordingly.

I know you would like to tear his head off and scream but grey rocking him and ignoring him will annoy him the most.

He's a dead beat dad, treat him as such.
He's scum.

@AB10 Do you know where he stayed last night, OP. Good on you for not replying. I know we are all strangers, but you have the support of every person here.

Good for not replying. Email in your time and terms to arrange contact. Make it clear he can’t just pop in and out. He’s left you.
I suspect he’ll be trying to come back saying he’s been hasty when reality of only seeing son at breakfast in MacDonalds etc hits home.

I think he went to his parents. Both parents are very ill, one in a nursing home and his mum with full time carers so I can’t imagine that is a long term plan.
Many thanks, everyone. I just keep looking at my little boy and thinking I should have been more fun, less naggy and perhaps if I hadn’t struggled with motherhood then he may not have fallen out of love with me. I love our little boy and my PND has never affected my parenting. If everything, it made me so devoted to the LB which may go some way in explaining the demise of my marriage. I just wish my husband could have seen past that.

My advice to you today

Ring a solicitor and make an appointment for 31 January

If you don’t need it you can cancel, but come January 4th tea time you won’t get an appointment for live nor money and by that time you may well need some legal advice

This is hindsight

Stop blaming yourself
And realise that this is not your doing 😢

@AB10

I think he went to his parents. Both parents are very ill, one in a nursing home and his mum with full time carers so I can’t imagine that is a long term plan. Many thanks, everyone. I just keep looking at my little boy and thinking I should have been more fun, less naggy and perhaps if I hadn’t struggled with motherhood then he may not have fallen out of love with me. I love our little boy and my PND has never affected my parenting. If everything, it made me so devoted to the LB which may go some way in explaining the demise of my marriage. I just wish my husband could have seen past that.

Don't blame yourself!! How old is your DS? Months old, a year, a couple of years? Whichever, it will be a fraction of time compared to how many years you and your DH have been together and if he can't see that PND has had such a horrible impact on you then he's an idiot as well as an arsehole. He doesn't deserve your excuses. This is on him 100% – and the OW who will crawl out of the woodwork at some point.

@AB10

I think he went to his parents. Both parents are very ill, one in a nursing home and his mum with full time carers so I can’t imagine that is a long term plan. Many thanks, everyone. I just keep looking at my little boy and thinking I should have been more fun, less naggy and perhaps if I hadn’t struggled with motherhood then he may not have fallen out of love with me. I love our little boy and my PND has never affected my parenting. If everything, it made me so devoted to the LB which may go some way in explaining the demise of my marriage. I just wish my husband could have seen past that.

It’s nothing to ‘see past’! You have done nothing wrong stop blaming yourself. He should have been supporting you. This has everything to do with HIM not being good enough. Who walks out on their family like that if they care?