Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dont be so harsh to yourself. Where was his communication? He gave you no warning that he was unhappy. He gave you no opportunity to work anything out. He gave you no chance at all.

You dont deserve that. You really dont. You are worth so much more than that.

Please look out for yourself and little boy. Don’t let him just come back after his hurtful words and actions.
We all could do things differently but a caring partner takes you in sickness and in health. You had PND. He should have spoken to you not pulled away. I personally wouldn’t believe a word he says I think he’s saying anything to justify his actions - if you had been out having ‘fun’ and hadn’t cleaned or looked after baby he’d have thrown that at you instead. You offered to go to the rugby and organised babysitting (I bet he never did that) and he rejected it.
Life is probably looking pretty grim for him if he’s sat alone in his parents home. Things he’s taken for granted like cooking, washing, seeing child, nice comfortable home are all gone. I bet his work colleagues are reluctant to go out due to covid and have family plans over Christmas.
Are you able to see your mum or a friend today? Make sure you get support. Best wishes.

and thinking I should have been more fun, less naggy and perhaps if I hadn’t struggled with motherhood then he may not have fallen out of love with me.

@AB10, it is not your fault. It is his fault.

@AB10 this is not on you. When you tried to have fun he packed a case and walked out 🤷🏻‍♀️

@ivykaty44

My advice to you today

Ring a solicitor and make an appointment for 31 January

If you don’t need it you can cancel, but come January 4th tea time you won’t get an appointment for live nor money and by that time you may well need some legal advice

This is hindsight

This. 100%.

That’s very good advice now to book in with a solicitor for a few weeks time. You can always cancel. First weeks of January are peak time for people contacting a family solicitor.
Other thing you are forgetting while you are being harsh on yourself is Covid. How much ‘fun’ could you have had - holidays, meals out, concerts have been so disrupted.
I hate the word nagging. He obviously wasn’t doing 50/50 chores and childcare. If by nagging you mean you had to tell him to put his pants in the washing basket not floor so you could wash them that’s not nagging.

I don't think this is the end of your marriage, but I do think you both need time and probably counselling to help you get through this.

It sounds to me that he's conflicted between what he used to feel for you and how he feels now. He's handled it badly though; the right thing would be for him to talk to you and for you both to try and work through your problems, with the help of counselling.

Stop blaming yourself op. PND is an illness, would he have moaned if you weren't fun due to cancer or another illness? He should have been helping and supporting you during this time, not moaning that you've not been upbeat enough, or more fun etc.

Have dc is tough and difficult, especially in the early days, if he had an issue then he should have talked it through with you, not just up and left you.

You do see the irony of him saying you aren't fun, and when you offer to go to the football with him to have 'fun' he throws a wobble and leaves?

This is NOTHING to do with you or your relationship, it's down to his selfish wants and needs being the only thing he's concerned with

He could have helped more

He could have been more fun

Taken you out, talked to you, found other ways. It does take two to make a happy marriage - has he done his share, really?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is him, not you!

It sounds like there's another woman in the wings. As a PP said, she finds him hilarious and invflates his ego. She was part of the group going to rugby match so you pushing to go too backed him into a corner and the coward ran away. Now reality is biting and he's beginning to see how he's destroyed his family, hence the concillatory messages. Fuck that shit. Let him wallow in his own mess.

I feel so angry for you OP. I hope in next few days you stop being so hard on yourself and get angry. Talk to people.
Things like the house move when you were teary at end of day and didn’t want Champagne. How was the day honestly. Were you rushing around cleaning both houses, trying to care for toddler, in new house trying to unpack so toddler had familiar items and regular meals. Looking around seeing things that were hazardous for toddler and thinking gosh what have we done it’s a lot of work. What did he do?

The minute he saw my face that day he was furious. Silent treatment etc. I’m beginning to think that perhaps he hasn’t given me much of a chance.

Oh goodness, OP, this sounds like the script and his reaction when you suggested that you come to the match with him absolutely confirms it. He's being such a shit to you because he's had his head turned and is trying to convince himself you're lacking as a wife to justify his treatment of you.

You did exactly the right thing ignoring his message. Make the git realise the consequences of what he's doing. You deserve none of this shitty treatment.

Our boy is three so not a tiny baby anymore but I wouldn’t have said that I still suffer from PND. We’ve been on holidays, had lots of I say happy times since I first suffered. We were a family.

He sounds like hes playing with your feelings. If it were me itd have to be the end, even if he tries to weasle back in when he sees reality is too much hard work for him.
I couldnt trust someone who can say they despise you then the opposite later. How would you now know which he means?

I would put money on him having something going on with someone at work. I'm so sorry OP you don't deserve this. You were unwell, it's not your fault, where's his responsibility here?

.

You mean the day you moved OP?

I re read your posts and you mentioned him playing golf constantly in summer. Then he’s been out drinking with colleagues regularly. So you’ve been left home alone with baby.
You do the cleaning, washing. I get strong impression you do most of childcare.
It’s a tale as old as time - leave wife to do all chores and childcare (and her work ft) then complain she’s not ‘fun’.
You’ve arranged days out and babysitting. How many things has he arranged for you?

@AB10

Our boy is three so not a tiny baby anymore but I wouldn’t have said that I still suffer from PND. We’ve been on holidays, had lots of I say happy times since I first suffered. We were a family.

That makes his behaviour even more despicable. He's turned it all on you now, three years on, to excuse what he's been getting up to. If there isn't an OW lurking I'll eat my cat.

I'm not sure I agree with the PP who said this doesn't necessarily mean the end of your marriage either. He walked out saying he despised you. I honestly don't see how you can come back from that.

Yes, the day we moved.
I think he’s vilified me to the point where he couldn’t see any good.

Why would you want him back? He’s lazy, selfish, contributes little to the running of your home and says cruel and spiteful things to you.

Honestly if you have been feeling down I suspect you will start feeling a lot better when you aren’t taking care of a whole other manbaby. You’ll even get a bit of time to yourself when he gets LB for whatever agreement you come to.

You really ought to take pps advice and book a solicitor now for January

ow.
Leave them to it.
Get a divorce in 2022.

I would agree with the other posters who think there must be someone involved in your relationship with your husband. Same happens to me when ex left me, he was unhappy, did not love me anymore, did not fancy me. Shock to the core as we have been together 25 years and 3 kids, claimed no one else was involved, refused counselling. He went to live with his parents as I couldn't take it anymore. He moved to a new house 3 months later, 6 months later announced that he has met someone, oh surprise except he did not just met her, he was seeing her all along. His girlfriend were putting everything online so was easy to figure out that he had met her at least a year before he left me.

@AB10 I mean this in the nicest possible way but you need to get a grip and stop this woe is me I’ve been a terrible wife. It’s so so obvious reading this that it’s not your fault.

Even down to him throwing a tantrum when you wanted to go on his date with this work woman then being nice as pie when he got his own way and you didn’t go. He’s disgusting. Plenty of relationships go through hard times. That’s why you make a vow for better or worse when you get married. You don’t start blaming your wife for everything. You tried to make an effort following on from your chat. You arranged a babysitter and wanted to go on an evening out - he couldn’t care less.

Tell him he has to have LB at the weekend and ask him where he's gonna take him - it's cold outside so he will need a plan.

I don't believe in using little children as a weapon. They are very upset anyway but to bat them around between mum and dad is awful when all they need is some security in their rapidly disintegrating world. Of course they need to see dad at some stage but to use them as a something bad that the other partner needs to do is unforgivable.

Glad to hear that OP took him into her bed to give him comfort and security.