Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Please don't let him lay all of the blame at your feet op, if you were really that bad you wouldn't have been together for so long.

I'm sorry he turned out to be such a shit, it's hard when they try and gaslight you that things have been terrible for ages. Like a pp said it's one of the cruelest things to do as they try and leave without having to think of themselves as a bad guy.

If you can take charge of some of this now you'll be so glad you did looking back. As I was told when it happened to me let him feel the loss of you, un other words stop doing things for him and with him. He has to make arrangements to see your ds out of the house, its really shit timing and I'm betting he wasn't planning doing this before Christmas.

Read The Script, he's following it to the letter and check out Chump Lady online I also found that helpful. And keep posting here you'll get great advice.

This is so painful to see op keeping blaming herself, whilst the husband is of doing goodness knows what and then laying the blame with his wife…

As soon as I read this He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. I thought OW.

Sorry OP but as PP have said, there is a woman at work who is laughing at all his jokes, hearing all his stories for the first time, telling him how awful it must be to have to live with an old cow like you...

I am so sorry you are in this position, but you need to get tough for the sake of your child. Get a solicitor appointment so you know what the possible outcomes/options are for you.

Better times will come

I know you don’t want to hear it, but there is someone else. You couldn’t go to the rugby because she is going with him.

We all go through phases with small babies when our partners aren’t our main focus. It evens out over time. Throw in pnd and it’s not fun for anyone.

You need to start looking at it like this; you got ill whilst looking after the baby you both wanted. Instead of caring for you and offering kindness and patience, he decided to let you know how awful you are and how much you’ve ruined his fun.

This is not the actions of a good and kind man.

He has someone else laughing at his jokes and last night he panicked because you were about to uncover all his lies.

Whether you believe there is another woman or not, the only way to get through this is to stop playing his game. Don’t let him decide this is over, decide for him. Tell him he is not the husband or father you thought he was and that you won’t wait around for him to choose to come home. Tell him he needs to arrange contact with your dc and suggest every other weekend (or whatever is appropriate). Do not let him flit in and out as it suits.

Find your anger and go into practical mode. If (and this is a big if) he’s just having a stupid moment, it might make him realise the stark reality of what he’s leaving behind. If not, you are setting your boundaries early.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Just because you weren’t perfect, doesn’t mean his actions are justified. You don’t walk away like that, you talk and go to counselling and try to mend things. He’s already placed his focus elsewhere and I think it’s only a matter of time before that comes to light.

It’s easy for me to say this but, I’d play him at his own fucking game

Yes dear you spend some time away and we can both think about what we want to do as your behaviour recently is terribly cruel & I’m not liking it one bit - so best you sort yourself so where to stay.
Oh and you’ll need to have D.C. on Saturday

Then go and treat yourself to whatever, shopping, pedicure etc

Yes it’ll be strange but it’ll do you good to take some control

I’m so sorry- I, like others who have posted on your thread, have been where you are. Your husband is displaying the typical behaviour of being in the midst of a affair or he’s thinking of entering into one. I received practically the same treatments you are when my husband did the same- everything was my fault, I’d ‘changed’, he loved me but was no longer ‘in love’.. blah, blah, blah.. it’s all rubbish, he just wanted to to find a way out, and the way out was to re-write our history.
I won’t lie, the pain of this will sit with you, you will question yourself, you will be tempted to play ‘pick me’ and.. you will want to confront HER. Do not do any of those things.
The BEST advice I can give to you is.. confide in 1 person in real life, do not phone. Or text him. Grieve.. it’s a process, and it’s important to go throw the spectrum of emotions that are coming your way.
I would strongly advise gathering financial evidence when you can, ie his payslips, pensions details,etc
Please keep hold of this information, because when he does come back.. and he will, his motivations for doing so may not be to work on the marriage, no matter what he says.. just keep your wits about you.
I’m sorry you are going through this.. I’m a year on from you and believe me, you are stronger than you know and you WILL get through this.

I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. There’s something going on between him and this girl from work who he’s taken to the rugby. Don’t let him gaslight you about this awful behaviour. He’s an arsehole.

As others have said, tell him you need time to think and don’t let him back in the house. He can have your little one on set days and not in your house. Don’t beg him to pick you or try even harder than you already are to make everything perfect for him to choose you.

Your confidence sounds really low. It’s unlikely that it’s your fault unless he has been telling you repeatedly he’s unhappy about certain things tat you do, it is been causing arguments but you’ve refused to do anything about it. What was the trigger of you PND? Was he supportive with the new baby? And is there an underlying reason for your need to have everything extremely tidy all of the time? It sounds exhausting for you, to clean all the time while looking after a baby and working too. It sounds to me like you really need to start looking after yourself. And perhaps he has been a bit selfish for a long time?

Where is he staying, by the way?

His behaviour is appalling. You need to protect yourself now, and act in your own best interests. He's no longer your friend or partner. You cannot trust him to do the right thing.
Reach out for whatever support you have around you. Seek legal advice to protect your financial situation.

None of this is your fault. You poor thing. It'll be tough, but stay strong.

It’s just the things that he’s said. You do everything for me, you’re a great mum, a great person. But on the other hand, he’s saying he despises me, can’t stand to be in my company. He’s also saying he has no choice in the way he feels. But I just can’t believe he’s choosing to rip his family apart.

Don’t run after him please. For your sake I’m glad he left. There wasn’t more you could do, it was time he left. Just message him and say please let me know when you would like to see ds. I’ll need some notice so it works for me too. I’ll go out if you want to see him at our place.

He is saying those things to make you the bad guy to justify his actions. Do not listen.

Good men don’t walk out on their partners and children suddenly over a day out. They don’t say cruel and unkind things to women with PND.

This is not a good man. As soon as you stop allowing him to blame you, and start getting angry with him, you will be on the path to freedom

He has left your son.
He has left his baby.
Who did he think was looking after him? Why does he get to assume you will just carry on doing 100% of the work?
He has LEFT YOUR SON.
Get angry. Go and photocopy financial info.
Tell him he has to have LB at the weekend and ask him where he's gonna take him - it's cold outside so he will need a plan.

I think the other woman’s got cold feet too. Or he’s built it all up in his own head of how wonderful life would be if he was with her but she’s no idea at all.

Dhs ex-friend is always doing this, one relationship to another and each one “he’s never felt like this before” dh is very 🙄 and has pointed out previously that he said that about each one including his wife.

Despise is a strong word.

He has said the most hurtful thing to you that he" he despises you"
The one person he said he loved, he now hates.
Take that in for a moment and think about it.
You are not loved by him.
He has met someone else now, and you are nothing to him, he is a snake.
Of course, his truth is a lie now.
So close to Christmas, he has ruined your family time together. Actually you are the one thing in your child's life and keeping your child safe and loved and this piece of crap just walks out without a care in the world. He is servicing his ego now. You take care now and as others have said get your financials sorted now. Don't wait for him, he left you holding the baby.

Don’t let him decide this is over, decide for him. Tell him he is not the husband or father you thought he was and that you won’t wait around for him to choose to come home. Tell him he needs to arrange contact with your dc and suggest every other weekend (or whatever is appropriate). Do not let him flit in and out as it suits.

Please OP read this and follow it.

You need to take control now.

He doesn’t get to control the game anymore.

Also, stop texting him. Don’t beg or plead. Ignore his guilty messages. You will just drive yourself crazy trying to decipher what they mean.

And PLEASE stop trying to figure out what you did wrong/what went wrong.

It has nothing to do with you.

It’s all HIM. He is a deadbeat dad who has walked out on his family.

Please read Chump Lady and get angry. There is no coming back from this now. You will
Never trust him again.

Oh OP I'm so sorry to read your update. Please disregard my first post on this thread. I never did to my ex what your husband did last night - after your update, i realise the two situations are not at all comparable. If my ex had suggested coming on a night out with me, I'd have been thrilled and would have said yes immediately.

I'm sorry for what I wrote about being draining. This is absolutely not you - it's him, and I think he's being really cruel.

OP, I’m going to post this again to show you how predictable his behaviour is. This is a well-worn path/script for cheating men around the world.

Hallmarks of Wife Abandonment Syndrome:

You don’t need to check off all ten to fit the definition:

1. Prior to leaving, the husband had seemed to be an attentive, emotionally engaged spouse, looked upon by his wife as honest and trustworthy.

1. The husband had never said that he was unhappy in the marriage or thinking of leaving, and the wife believed herself to be in a secure relationship.

1. The husband typically blurts out the news that the marriage is over/he’s unhappy/miserable "out-of-the-blue".

1. Reasons given for his decision are nonsensical, exaggerated, trivial or fraudulent.

1. By the time the husband reveals his intentions to his wife, the end of the marriage is already a fait accompli and he often moves out quickly.

1. The husband’s behavior changes radically, so much so that it seems to his wife that he has become a cruel and withdrawn stranger.

1. The husband shows no remorse; rather, he blames his wife.

1. In almost all cases, the husband had been having an affair.

1. The husband makes no attempt to help his wife, either financially or emotionally, as if all positive regard for her has been completely extinguished.

10. Systematically devaluing the marriage, the husband denies what he had previously described as positive aspects of the couple's joint history. Makes statements such as, “I/we were never happy.”

Read “Runaway Husbands” to mentally prepare for what’s to come. He is not your friend anymore.

OP, I'm so sad for you, you must feel like your world's imploded.

Whilst I don't have direct experience of this situation, I really hope you'll be able to read back on this thread later and take on board what the wise women on here have said.

All I can offer you is a big hug from a wee chunky Scottish woman, and to remind you to look after yourself. A nice sugary cup of tea and a wee bit of toast if you can manage it.

What a cruel fucker he is, placing all the blame on you and trying g to make you believe there was never any happiness. Strange that he's only just decided that now. I'm sorry OP but this os classic other woman script. He's trying to convince not only you but himself that he was never happy. He's trying to justify his behaviour amd I guarantee he's either got his eye on someone else, or he's already messing around.

Sending you hugs. [Flowers]

This must feel terrible but it's not you, it's him. You have to look to yourself for strength because he's not a source of support any more.

You're not terrible, or a failure, or hopeless. You're a woman whose husband couldn't hack the responsibility of having a family. Don't chase him.

Years from now you'll have a lovely partner and a child you have a close bond with and he'll be the guy who left it all to get pissed and shag around.

The texts are to give him a way back in, in case he changes his mind. Cut him off right now IMO. He’s broken your trust and is being incredibly selfish. Change the locks and blast that Tina Turner!

He's definitely throwing crumbs in case he wants you back. Do not tolerate this. Tell him its over, not to contact you unless its to discuss your child and he is not to come home.

I swear to god on these threads I always want the poor wife to fuck about with her ‘D’ H and text them ‘do you know what darling, I’ve just had an amazing coffee with a brilliant divorce lawyer and then a tinder date with an incredibly HOT entrepreneur/rock climber/Uber-masculine carpenter type and now I think you’re completely right. Well done you for getting us to this point, I’ll always respect you as a friend and the father of our D.C., but I’ve changed the locks and carefully packed your things. Re wedding presents, would you prefer the crystal from aunt Mary or the clock from cousin reggie? Let me know when you get a second, best wishes for your future life!’

I swear to fuck the asshole would be back in seconds like ‘but but but… that’s not the narrative… aren’t you sobbing and broken? I’m meant to be the poor soul agonising over my loyal devoted wife with no real agency of her own and whatever exciting individual is flirting with me in the canteen’

This is so shit for you, I am furious on your behalf.

I'm sorry op but I think you really have to brace yourself for there being another woman
This is awful but also so typical or people who have affairs
Please don't let what he says make you doubt yourself as he is just saying these things and re-writing history to make himself feel better for being a total twat.
No one leaves their oh saying 'oh yeah they were lovely. A great wife . Couldn't get any better, but I had my head turned and bugger any responsibilities or marriage vows , I'll do as i like!'
They need to try and convince themselves that they have good reasons