Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

999 replies

AB10 · 16/12/2021 15:23

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 16/12/2021 23:43

You’re being far too hard on yourself. If he was as unhappy as he claimed why not discuss it? He’s a dead beat

IAmMeThisIsI · 16/12/2021 23:52

He reminds me of David Brent. The comedian at work (in his own mind). Then he comes home to the wife and she's just not awkwardly laughing to be polite. Sigh. What's HE bringing to the table then? Is HE a riot and a right laugh a minute to be around?

troper · 16/12/2021 23:59

OP I've read all of your posts but not read all the replies.

I could have written your posts word for word. Scary how similar this is to what I went through with my exH. Turns out he started an affair with someone he worked with when my dd was only 2 weeks old, took me a year to discover this. The whole year of the affair I was oblivious and blaming myself for his unhappiness and the distance that was growing between us. He blamed everything on me and my hormones/PND then told me he didn't think he'd ever been in love with me. Didn't even see me as a friend as he didn't like me anymore - I think sun-consciously that was the guilt making him feel that way. We were also married for 7!years, together 10.

Obviously just snow it feels like your world has fallen apart and it feels like the worst thing ever but it does get better!
My ExH is now with OW and she is SM to my DD but I've genuinely moved on and couldn't care less about him. Don't think I could ever have been this happy if we had stayed together Thanks

troper · 17/12/2021 00:01

@Serendipity79

I'm sad to say I knew what your update would be before I got to the end of your posts. I've lived this life - please don't blame yourself, this man is not worthy of your love.

Take him at his word, he's left - well then he doesn't get to come back. Please do think about some counselling for yourself because I read your posts and thought this person is like me 3.5 years ago, her confidence is battered and her self esteem is low. You're looking for all the reasons why you've "driven" him to be unhappy. The truth is he's had his head turned, he's rewritten history to suit his narrative, and he's made the conscious decision to get involved with someone else and to leave his wife and child.

Please DONT do the pick me dance - I did for a bit after my exes first affair and I literally humiliated myself - then he did it again. Be strong - this man is showing you who he is now.

It's like there is a script for it eh?! I think they do it to ease their own guilt and justify their actions. I even think my ExH now believes his own version as it makes it easier for him to live with himself

Original poster
AB10 · 17/12/2021 00:33

Thanks everyone.
I’m in shock I think.
He’s now texting saying maybe that he just needs some time away to realise and that it’s a not decision he has control over? Also that he’s sorry and that I’m a great person?
So royally confused and just feel my husband has ripped our world apart.

OP posts:
Original poster
AB10 · 17/12/2021 00:35

I’m going to stop replying now. I think I have to start being as distanced from him as he has with me.
Before he left, he told me he despised me, now he’s saying I’m a great person and mum. What a warped view.

OP posts:
BobbieT1999 · 17/12/2021 00:36

Your husband is trying to control things. I'm so sorry but utterly does sound like he is either having an affair or preparing too. Either way, the way he us treating you is unforgivable.

I know how much pain you're in, but you need to find the strength to take charge of the situation. Like others gave said, while he's away make safe any and all financial documentation. Flowers Flowers

BobbieT1999 · 17/12/2021 00:37

*it does (not utterly!)

TreadLightly3 · 17/12/2021 00:42

So sorry OP. I wish you lots of strength and as a PP said, you need to go into Mamma Bear mode and protect your son and yourself Flowers

Onthedunes · 17/12/2021 00:43

@AB10

Thanks everyone. I’m in shock I think. He’s now texting saying maybe that he just needs some time away to realise and that it’s a not decision he has control over? Also that he’s sorry and that I’m a great person? So royally confused and just feel my husband has ripped our world apart.
The wanker.

He's not decided yet has he.
He's still edging his bets, wants to keep you hanging on in the background whilst he has some fun.

I know you must be beside yourself but fake it at the moment.
Tell him no, he cannot come back now, he has burnt his bridges.

By the sounds of it this ow is a real self entitled piece of crap and pushing his decision in the background.
Not a care for the children.

So 2 selfish arseholes have found one another, not a great combination for the long haul.

i'm really sorry, you will work your way through this, keep posting as what he tells you, the wise women of MN will explain what he really means.

Onthedunes · 17/12/2021 00:54

Also, he's not confused, he's trying to pacify you now he's left so you don't rip him a new arsehole and take him to the cleaners.

He's also buying time before you tell everyone what a shithead he is.
He wants you to keep this a secret at the moment.

I wonder why?
Show him no mercy, he knows exactly what he is doing, controlling the situation.

Forget the flattery, he does not mean it.

ProudThrilledHappy · 17/12/2021 00:58

He’s just discovered OW isn’t as keen on playing full time wifey as he expected when he left with his suitcase so he’s going to try and get his foot back in your door while he feathers his nest with her a bit more

Icanflyhigh · 17/12/2021 00:58

There is more to this I guarantee it. The woman from work...... how long has he been socialising with her.

You have done nothing wrong OP, the dynamic has changed how you have your baby, and you have to put him first. I experienced similar with ExH - he was jealous of the time I spent with DD when she was first born and it never recovered.

I lay bets this woman from work has no kids, and can go out as she pleases etc. Get your ducks in a row. He is a first class bastard.

Dillydollydingdong · 17/12/2021 01:11

Stop blaming yourself. Stop apologizing. Its dishonest and cruel of him to blame you for his own weakness and selfishness. There's an OW out there somewhere who's caught his eye and he wants some of that. He might be bored at home but that's not your fault. I'd play hardball now, OP. Give him a shock. There's a song called "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor. Listen to the words and then go out there and teach him a lesson.

Onthedunes · 17/12/2021 01:15

Soon you will find your anger.

Use that to take action.

Iwonder08 · 17/12/2021 01:26

I can tell you what game he is playing. He has someone he is interested in. He walked away today as you called him out and I think it happened earlier than he planned. I bet he is just hedging his position with you just in case the other woman is not going to take him so he can come back.
Even if for some reason you decide to take him back after that I would urge you to contact a divorce lawyer tomorrow and get a very clear pricture of where you stand with financials. He needs to know you are not a pushover and mean business.

BookFiend4Life · 17/12/2021 03:52

OP I think he probably has a thing going with the woman from work and panicked when you wanted to go with him so had to make up a bunch of nonsense about how he can't stand you. Then was embarrassed he'd been a complete shit and realized how extreme his reaction was with the suitcase and is now backpedalling. I think he'll probably try to come home while his "head's a mess" and be very non-committal about your future while he tries to see if the thing with the other woman has legs. I'm really sorry. I think this is a super common way for men to behave when they've met someone.

  1. He's "been unhappy a long time" (totally unbeknownst to you)
  2. Needs some time to think things over
  3. Admits feelings for someone else (but has never acted on them of course!!)
  4. It's true love and he can't help the way he feels

It's completely shit and you deserve better even if you do like a clean house.

Original poster
AB10 · 17/12/2021 05:03

I’ve not been able to sleep much. Brought LB into big bed with me and tried to get some rest but it’s so hard. Just keep playing over in my mind. Was it really that bad? He says he’s been losing feelings for me for a period of time although when I look back at photos he’s smiling and happy.
It’s just so hard.
Thanks for all your advice. I’m going to keep my little boy in his routine and keep his little world as secure as possible. That’s all I can do.

OP posts:
TopCatsTopHat · 17/12/2021 05:16

Sending thoughts across the darkness of comfort and warmth. There are people out there who wish for you to have the strength to stand as you hurt and others who wouldn't have turned their back until they had tried everything to communicate the problem and mend it. This situation wasn't made by you alone. Your relationship wasn't a lie, but if there were fatal flaws in it earlier than you knew you aren't at fault for that. If things broke down and now his perspective has shifted to forget what was at the time that isn't only on you either.
Trials between a couple are a joint problem however they manifest.
In the shock of this, seek comfort and love where you can find it and love yourself too. I also became hard to live with during a similar phase of my life, I was shown compassion and support by a dh who turned towards not away from the problem and I was able to return. I grieve for you that for whatever reason this was not true for you. We're all just doing our best as we go through life and that's all anyone can ask.
Chin up and know you are seen and encouraged not to bend your head. Hold it high, grieve but don't put it all on yourself, it takes two.

GreyGoose1980 · 17/12/2021 05:53

I’m so sorry to hear your update OP. I was about to write to say I’d really encourage you to ask him go to counselling. However I’m not as sure this is the right course of action now. It sounds as if he’s too selfish and too focused on blaming you for all of this without acknowledging it takes two to create a marriage. I’d withdraw from him now and start to focus on protecting yourself and son from further hurt. Spend time with people that love you and take a break from him. If it were me I’d Stilton engaging in communication with him and send a text saying you need some time to think about what this all means for you and will be in touch in a few days.

GreyGoose1980 · 17/12/2021 05:55

‘Stop’ not ‘Stilton’ Nor sure what auto correct is doing tonight 😀

DixieSun · 17/12/2021 06:00

He's at the rugby with another woman and didn't want you to go.

There's a jigsaw here you need to put together Thanks

isitspringyet23 · 17/12/2021 06:07
Thanks I'm afraid I think that there is someone else in the corners too. Not that's he's acted on anything etc.. but there is definitely someone there. I'd play him at his own game and see how long this new attraction lasts... he will be back
Peanutmnm · 17/12/2021 06:22

@RaisedByPangolins

100% There’s a woman at work who finds him hilarious. I’m sorry. It’s so predictable.
This
everyonebutme · 17/12/2021 06:27

So sorry to read what you're going through. I remember a similar conversation with my ExH before I found out he was having an affair. Once you suspect the signs can be quite obvious although it drove me mad trying to find more and more evidence. As others have said, there is a script and it all fell into place. Don't blame yourself. Focus on your and your child and get as much support as you can from those around you. Don't give him any more time or space.

Swipe left for the next trending thread