Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

No - he know says that he’s so anxious because every time I don’t reply/ answer his calls, he thinks that’s it over for good. This thinking is completely warped to me because of everything he has done previously.
Tonight, I went out when he came to our DS to bed. When I came home, I didn’t engage in conversation. I’m now tucked up in bed with my little boy wondering how my life has changed so much in the space of a couple of weeks!

Nobody has any place telling you what you should put up with for the sake of peace and their own convenience. Do what is right for you OP but not out of guilt or obligation. These were not considerations given to you by your DH. You know you are worth more than that. You can never go back to the imaginary perfect time before. It wasn't real, it was smoke and mirrors. Will you ever be able to trust him again?

You have your bed sheets dry cleaned?!

The bed sheets comment has made me laugh. Yes, it was just a habit we got into when we lived in a smaller place without a tumble dryer (winter months mainly).

But dry CLEANING? Not just a launderette. You is SWANKY

Oh no - they are just washed and ironed - no dry cleaning involved.

OP - I am terribly sorry he has behaved so abominably and you must be in shock.

Part of the cheater's script is to minimise unless forced to tell the whole truth, hence him telling you he and the OW only kissed. The chance of that being the truth are about a million to one.

It's painful because you loved him - what part of him blaming you for him leaving indicates that he has any love or respect for you? You think you still love him but really you love the man he once was.

If you take him back, even if you forgive him, you will never forget his horrendous behaviour and every time he's late home from work, a niggly voice in your head will wonder if he is cheating again. Why would he not? By taking him back knowing what he is, he will be confident of you taking him back again should the next OW also reject him. On the other hand, she may not and then he will leave you without a backward glance, and you suffer all over again.

I do so hope you can find the strength to reject his pathetic attempts at reconciliation. You deserve better.

@AB10, I take my hat off to you for your courage and the fact that you still have a sense of humour going on.
It's not an easy thing that you are going through, and whilst I've not been in exactly your situation, I've been in a similar one.
If you can continue to channel a bit of humour and an equal part of outrage, it will see you right.

@AB10

No - he know says that he’s so anxious because every time I don’t reply/ answer his calls, he thinks that’s it over for good. This thinking is completely warped to me because of everything he has done previously. Tonight, I went out when he came to our DS to bed. When I came home, I didn’t engage in conversation. I’m now tucked up in bed with my little boy wondering how my life has changed so much in the space of a couple of weeks!

Well that's the price he pays for his actions and it's not your job to soothe his anxiety about his plan B falling through. He's trying to manipulate you into dancing to his tune, putting himself and his feelings first. He trying to not give you space because he knows it might help you to clear your head and send him packing for good.

@AB10 never forget what he said to you - that he despised you & no longer loved you. He wants his life back despite what he has said and done. He made his bed. Too bad if he's now shitting his bed over destroying his family.
It goes without saying, and it sounds like you're staying strong, but if you were to take him back he would know he can get away with treating you like shit.
You deserve more. As does your son. He'll adapt well at just 3 years old.

No - he know says that he’s so anxious because every time I don’t reply/ answer his calls, he thinks that’s it over for good

@AB10 He should've thought of that before he cheated on you and treated you like shit.

Too little too late

Not a popular opinion here on MN, but people can and do get through things like this and go on to be happy together. BUT and it’s an enormous BUT, that takes literally years of hard work, the majority by the unfaithful partner, counselling (both separately and together) and a full look in the mirror to see what ON EARTH made him feel entitled to behave in this way. And it IS NOT because he felt neglected…..even if he did there are many different paths he could take to address that, he doesn’t have to shag someone else. That was a choice he made. Can you see him doing any of that work? Can you see him still being patient with you 2 years down the line when you are upset about it all? Will he have the balls to actually admit that he did it because he is a selfish person and do the work he needs to do to change that? Or will he just try and sweep it all under the carpet and carry on? Only you know the answer to those questions, but if it’s the latter, for me, that would be me done. I do believe people make mistakes and I do believe in forgiveness but without true remorse and a recognition from him of how seriously SHITTY his behaviour was and is, I couldn’t move past it. You sound like a lovely person op and I wish you luck whatever you decide xx

I’m not getting the sense that he sees you as a full person rather than someone in the role of My Wife.

That struck me too.

And while I have no sympathy for the ow, I don't even think he saw her as a whole person either; he apparently judged/predicted her actions v poorly.

He seems like a narcissist.

The other thing about his anxiety about your relationship being really over (poor him, wasn't so anxious when he was cheating or walking out, was he) is that once he gets over the hump, men like him tend to move on very swiftly and happily, often with rather poor co parenting.

I've just read through the whole thread from beginning to end. What a ghastly time you're having in such a few short days. There's a lot of advice from many of us but the one thing that shines through is your own voice. To you and to those who are starting to suggest you should take him back, making you feel somehow responsible - never forget your own words from the heart:

'Husband has been off with me for a while now.'

'Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger'

'asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. '

'And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection.'

'He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy'

'He says he’s worn down by me.'

' Implying that he wasn’t really happy then either.'

'Regarding another person, I have asked and he said no.' (Lies)

'But there has been a distinct checking out of our marriage.'

'He says that he can’t tell me whether he’s 💯 committed to me and our marriage.'

'I said recently that we’d been affectionate and he said one swallow doesn’t make a flock.'

'he says that he resents me because of how I acted.'

'He then texts an hour later saying he’s not coming because he can’t put on a happy face.'

I’m blaming myself because he says he’s so miserable'

'Something has just changed.'

'His face fell and he said I’d have to buy a ticket. This was untrue as there are two extra tickets'

'he just said that he doesn’t like spending time with me.'

'He is going to the match with two other boys and one girl'

'he has had doubts our whole relationship, he now despises me.'

'And he has packed a suitcase and left.'

'he again repeated that he can’t stand my company, that he has had doubts our whole relationship'

'he’s saying he despises me, can’t stand to be in my company. He’s also saying he has no choice in the way he feels.'

'I think he’s vilified me to the point where he couldn’t see any good.'

'saying things like maybe he just needs to get his head showered, maybe he’s being irrational but he had to tell me he’d fallen out of love with me.'

'he went and although I am heartbroken, I am also done with his torment. I love him but I’m not willing to endure this.'

'There is another woman at work. She is also married with two young children. I don’t think I can do this.'

'My family are all here. I’m just lost.'

'I only happened on one seedy message then the rest unravelled. Her husband knows, I told him, I just had to. I contacted her first to give her an opportunity. She replied with I don’t know what you’re talking about. My husband had already admitted.'

'Hi everyone. I’m still distraught. Just holding it together for my wee man but my heart is breaking.'

'He is still trying to blame this on me. How unhappy I made him.'

'I just wanted to seek an answer for this his ruination of my family. I’m not sure I ever will which is so sad.'

'the fact that he’s destroyed someone else’s family with young children hurts to consider.'

'The OW’s marriage has broken up; her husband has asked her to leave and he has been in contact with me to say that their marriage is over.'

'The affair was physical with just kissing. (I have asked very plainly whether there was anything else.)'

'But none of this changes the sheer heartbreak and agony that he has meted out to our family. 💔'

He did this of his own free will. You know them by what they do, not what they say.

Love to you and LB and all the best to you both for a happier 2022.

xxx

@AB10

Hi everyone. Thank you for thinking of me. It’s still quite horrible here. My husband is wanting to make a go of it and now parts of my family are starting to say that yes what he did was wrong but he may have been feeling neglected etc etc. I am at a loss and still feeling at times, this is my fault. 💔

I've been wondering how you've been getting on, OP, and I'm really disturbed to read this. Your 'family' needs to shut the hell up and let you work out what you want to do. If you do decide to reconcile – which is entirely your choice, not anyone else's, either IRL or here on MN – it shouldn't be because you're being guilt-tripped into it! NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

HE cheated.
HE lied.
HE told you he despised you.

Again, NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

@SocialConnection excellent post recapping for OP. Hoping she's not listening to people who want their own needs met and not hers.

@SocialConnection

Fantastic summary.

@AB10 Read it and remember how you felt. He's not going to be able to backtrack all that.

‘He seems like a narcissist.’

^This 💯
I agree and thought so when reading through all of OP’s post before Christmas, but refrained from mentioning the N word as I’ve recently noticed that some people seem to get really defensive as soon as it’s mentioned 🙄 I wonder why? 🧐

OP’s family are not doing her any favours encouraging her to get back with him. This is so sad. I’m angry with them on OP’s behalf.

OP - You sound like a lovely person/partner/Wife/Mum. You’ve navigated your way through this mess so well so far. You should be very proud of yourself. This man is still lying, is clearly not sorry and has not ounce of remorse for the way he has treated you. If he wants to, he can try to get another Wife to take care of his needs, if does not have to be you. He does not have to be your problem anymore.
I’d only try to keep a relationship/marriage going if there was genuine remorse and a willingness to seek counselling. And even then it will take years to re-build if possible. Depending on the circumstances, most relationships can never recover. He said awful things to you that can never be taken back. Telling you they only kissed is yet another slap in the face. No one in their right mind would attempt to give up their child, home &/or marriage based on just kissing.

Continue to do whatever is best for yourself and your child. It’ll be hard, but it’s been hard and it’s really bloody hard now so no change there. You’ll be fine in the long run. You’re in your home with your child. You’ve got a FT job and have been doing all of the childcare (when not at your paid job) and most of the household tasks anyway. I like a clean house too
😉 It’s not always OCD, but if it is in your case that’s fine and understandable.

You will get through this and meet someone new and lovely & have more children, if that is want you want.

Keep your head up. Thank you for sharing. You’re an inspiration to many, including me.
Happy New Year Lovely. All the best for the future xx

@AB10 What I see is that he's still trying to manipulate you. When he says that every time you don't respond, he has anxiety because he thinks it's over for good, he's trying to force you to make a decision ("Either talk to me or you're 'admitting' it's over for good"). This is just utter BS. After all he's done to you, the least he could do would be to give you some time and space to think and heal. If what he did before didn't make it clear, the way he is behaving now is still demonstrating what a selfish person he is, and that he only cares about what he wants. He is still willing to try and make you feel guilty and stomp all over your boundaries (desire for some space) so he can try and get his own needs met at your expense. So infuriating and hurtful, but he's showing you who he really is, time and time again.

The cynic in me says he’s thinking how much he’ll have to give you in pension contributions.

He’s gone from despising you to being anxious to hear from you rather quickly hasn’t he?.

Thanks everyone. I just feel like I’m leaving my worst nightmare. He’s texting this evening saying that he didn’t wish our DS a happy new year earlier when he saw him and all I can think is WTF. This is the worst new year I’ve ever experienced.

@AB10

Thanks everyone. I just feel like I’m leaving my worst nightmare. He’s texting this evening saying that he didn’t wish our DS a happy new year earlier when he saw him and all I can think is WTF. This is the worst new year I’ve ever experienced.

He’s too busy feeling sorry for himself now - no thought for the hell he has put you through. He’s a selfish wanker.

There is a better life out there Op. There really is.

@AB10

Have you had an appointment with a solicitor to see where you stand regarding divorce/house/finances etc

I can appreciate you might not have considered a divorce or that it's a route you might not go down eventually BUT it's good to know exactly where you stand to help you make an informed decision on where to go from here onwards.