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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

999 replies

AB10 · 16/12/2021 15:23

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Lennon80 · 26/12/2021 22:53

When I read your first post I immediately thought OW - trotting out the age old lines ‘not happy’ ‘fallen out of love’ etc and it was hard seeing you blame yourself as the inevitable was to be realised, I’m glad it didn’t take long to find him out. The situation now is OW doesn’t want him and clearly wants husband back - he’s realised it and now trying to get back in with you. Utter bastard!

BluebellsareBlue · 27/12/2021 00:24

I thought about you OP on Xmas day, wondering how things were, I imagine you're still in shock a f just going through the motions, it will all hit you hard soon. Just know that when it does (because emotions can be masked when big social events have to planned for) that we are all here, listening, waiting to hold your hand x

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 29/12/2021 23:03

How are you @AB10?

Original poster
AB10 · 30/12/2021 17:27

Hi everyone. Thank you for thinking of me. It’s still quite horrible here. My husband is wanting to make a go of it and now parts of my family are starting to say that yes what he did was wrong but he may have been feeling neglected etc etc.
I am at a loss and still feeling at times, this is my fault. 💔

OP posts:
fatshitcrazy · 30/12/2021 17:34

Your family should know better than to try and blame you for his bad behaviour.
Why should you have to put up with his cheating ways just because he's decided he made a mistake? He was horrible to you and said pretty awful things about you and your marriage to justify his behaviour but now he's realised there are consequences to his actions he suddenly doesn't think those things anymore? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Teacupsandtoast · 30/12/2021 17:39

Oh fucking boohoo if he felt neglected - normal men don't go and have an affair because their wife has had a baby and they dont get all the attention anymore.

Abigail12345654321 · 30/12/2021 17:57

You are the one who stands to lose if you take him back.

For everyone else, you putting up with him will make them feel better.

It’s not your job to make them feel better.

Just keep reminding them that he had an affair and walked out on you and your child after offloading a tonne of vitriol on you. You did nothing wrong.

Fluffycloudland77 · 30/12/2021 18:17

Their the family members who cba to support you and would much rather it’s all swept under the rug so they can get on with their lives.

I’d also have £10 on them never being cheated on too.

HomeTheatreSystem · 30/12/2021 18:47

It's your marriage and your risk if you take him back. Don't be swayed by your family's good but misguided intentions.

Newgirls · 30/12/2021 19:03

He might have been neglected.

But the grown up thing was to talk to you. To do more parenting. To take you out. Not sneak around behind your back.

billy1966 · 30/12/2021 19:05

OP,

Please do not feel forced into taking this loser back.

Neglected my arse.

You deserve better than a loser cheat.

Stay strong.

Keep posting Flowers

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 30/12/2021 19:07

Do you want to try and make a go of it OP? Everyone here is pretty clear about what you should do, and I agree with them, but we're not you, living your life. You have to do what feels right for you. And if you don't know what that is, it's okay to put that off until another day. And it's okay to want the space to process what has happened and to work to your timetable, not his/your family members. You're in the driving seat now, not them.

Original poster
AB10 · 30/12/2021 19:19

Thanks, everyone. I really do and have appreciated all your support and love. Your messages and anecdotes have pulled me through on so many occasions.
I want my old life back - the one where I trusted my husband unconditionally, saw him as someone who protected our family instead of ripping it apart. 💔

OP posts:
Newgirls · 30/12/2021 19:25

Bring back is right. It’s up to you. Have a go at making up if you want to. Maybe it’s the only way to feel you’ve tried it all.

But pls don’t think he’s right and you were wrong. He could have handled this all very differently

Thewookiemustgo · 30/12/2021 19:25

@AB10 it isn’t, and never was, your fault. Not one bit of it.
Lots of people perceive themselves as being in a less than great relationship but they don’t cheat. Whatever issues he has about anything, cheating is never the automatic response. It’s a weak, selfish, cowardly choice, where other healthier and morally sound choices are available.
His response to you on discovery was cruel to say the least. He doesn’t appear to be a caring, remorseful and safe partner for you OP, whatever your family think.
Take care and please don’t shoulder blame, put the blame where it lies. On him. X

redastherose · 30/12/2021 19:34

Unfortunately that life has now gone forever. You will never be the same person you were before he betrayed you.

Please don't think that I'm just being negative, he has treated you awfully and now thinks he can say sorry and get his feet back under the table and back in your bed.

You have to remember what he said when he thought that he had a better offer not anything he says now.

It is very easy to think I want my old life back but you won't ever have that same life again. What you need to do is have some real time apart from him. Really think what you want and whether you can ever forgive what he's done.

Also, I doubt that it was only kissing it is very unlikely that he was willing to tear his life apart without having slept with her. That is so very unlikely as to be almost impossible to believe. If that is the case then he has also lied to you about what has gone on.

Speak to her husband and find out what she has admitted to having gone on.

Having been in your position and tried to carry on with my marriage I'd tell anyone else int he same position not to do so. He will do it again and you will have wasted ore years of your life on him.

stairgates · 30/12/2021 19:44

Good heavens he really does fancy himself doesnt he, 'everybody else thinks im funny'! and his bit on the side. Please dont take this pathetic loser back, I bet he tries the old 'We can try for another baby!' knowing how much you love your son. He will come back for a while, leave again and blame it all on you somehow, what a saint he is giving you another chance! Keep your pride and continue as you are :)

Fluffycloudland77 · 30/12/2021 19:51

My dh has been ill for over 2 years, I could say I’m neglected and shag around but I would never hurt him or risk losing him.

Adults should know how to behave.

CrispsnDips · 30/12/2021 19:56

@BringBackCoffeeCreams

Do you want to try and make a go of it OP? Everyone here is pretty clear about what you should do, and I agree with them, but we're not you, living your life. You have to do what feels right for you. And if you don't know what that is, it's okay to put that off until another day. And it's okay to want the space to process what has happened and to work to your timetable, not his/your family members. You're in the driving seat now, not them.
These words are so refreshing to read …only you know how to navigate through all of this, even if it’s not clear yet which path you will choose 💐
Lighthouse2000 · 30/12/2021 19:57

Neglected ... with a very young child, a partner who suffered pnd, who works (ft?), who does all the cleaning etc (I know you said you have ocd but how had he tried to help with that, sounds like he was happy for that to be the status quo) ....

By that rationale; what about the next child, or child after that, what about depression, health problems, gynae problems, stress, responsibilities, the inevitable lack of novelty
spark etc in longterm relationships (after any hysterical bonding if he were taken back) etc.

He decided he did want your relationship, formed another one (just not as firmly as he thought, told you he despised you, told you he'd never been happy, left you, and would probably still be away if ow hadn't rejected him (if she still is now), and lied about the ow by immersion, you had to snoop abd find out yourself.
He also happily contributed to wrecking some other pr fker's relationship, and kids' family.

He's not a good bet.

Even if he's had some epiphany he had tk trash you and your family to have it.

Lighthouse2000 · 30/12/2021 20:24

It's the old "you weren't giving him enough attention and sex (while having his child abd suffering pnd etc) so he looked elsewhere, that's men, it doesnt mean anything, theyre simple, dick led creatures ..... he's your child's dad so keep your family together (even if he damages it and tries to throw it away), they're all the same blah blah.

What would be interesting is of you had had an affair with a work colleague, told him you despised him, told him you'd never been happy, left temporarily, he'd only found out by checking your email etc. What would their reaction be then?

Would they tell him you must have felt neglected, he was working too hard too distracted, he was depressed and that's a downer, you were sorry and wanted back now so just rake you back for his son.

In my experience, to the contrary the words "slut, slapper, bad mother" etc tend to crop up in such circumstances.

Lighthouse2000 · 30/12/2021 20:32

It's notable that the woman in this situation is now single, apparently against her wishes.

Sideswiped · 30/12/2021 20:43

@AB10, don't you even begin to blame yourself for this. The people who are trying to make you feel somehow to blame should take themselves back to the 1950s.
This is not your fault. Sorry to shout, but you need to hear it.
You didn't make him choose to have an affair, or choose not to talk to you. He did that - remember it.
(Hugs)

poetryandwine · 30/12/2021 20:51

OP,

PPs had given adequate voice to my thoughts until you said that some of your family are now making excuses for your H.

I am now furious on your behalf, not only at your H but to a surprising degree at these family members who should have your back.

It seems that it is still all about what your H wants. I’m not getting the sense that he sees you as a full person rather than someone in the role of My Wife. Has he apologised yet for the pain he has caused you? (We don’t need an answer.)

Admittedly I am prejudiced, because there are echoes in your story and the entreaties of your H of a painful relationship of my own. Breaking it off and maintaining the break was one of the best things I ever did. Admittedly I met the love of my life less than two years later but the larger point is that I started to feel - and look, he had worn me down and then started criticising my looks - better within a couple of months.

I still remember decades later how difficult the first few months were but I also remember the excitement of getting myself back. Maybe you haven’t lost yourself but it sounds like you have been shouldering a lot of the work whilst your H has perhaps been slightly spoilt. You deserve better.

RantyAunty · 30/12/2021 21:00

I remember your first post you came here blaming yourself, not knowing he'd been cheating.

Then you found your anger and strength.

This last post you're back to blaming yourself.
He's been pushing hard to get into your head and make you doubt yourself.

Has he given you an entire day without pestering you?