Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Neither he nor his affair partner spared a thought for their spouses or children when they were pursuing their little ego boost.

You and her husband are far better off without people like that in your homes.

Your husband will absolutely be sneaking off to see her.

The OW is back in play now. She's available. She's out in the cold. I'll bet tomorrow's lunch they'll find each other again. A united front between you and her husband might be a good move - agree and support each other in how to deal with the pair of them.

What a mind fuck. What do you want to do?

This is such a horrible situation OP.

I think it's way too soon for you to make any kind of decision about the future. What he's done is horrible, and it's not a case of just accepting it and agreeing to work it out. If you want to keep your marriage, it will be a long, long road to rebuild trust.

So to start I would say, don't decide anything at all until the new year. Nothing. Just tell him to leave you be until then. See if he can respect a simple boundary of not trying to talk to you (except re DC) until January.

If he can't do that, that tells you something.

If he meets up with the OW, that obviously tells you something too.

Give yourself some space, OP

@AB10, I've been in a similar situation to you. I felt like I had been punched very hard in the stomach.

I did the pick me dance. He came back. I wasn't happy. I was desperately clinging on to something that wasn't there.

He was still cheating. Still obsessed with the OW.

I was stupid. He wasn't who I thought he was.

Stick to your guns.

If you do take him back, (please don't), do not have unprotected sex with him.

It will never be right again

[quote Buildingthefuture]@FridaRose……personal and unkind #bekind…..

@Abigail12345654321 there IS some research into this. It shows that men & women are roughly equally likely to be unfaithful and that around 25-50% of unfaithful partners go on to cheat again, whether in that same relationship or another one. Obviously this is based on what people say so has to be taken with a grain of salt but lots of studies have shown similar results. I’ve never read any research into what % of men have OW lined up, but I would agree with you, I’ve never known a man bugger off without a side piece in the wings!!![/quote]
Interesting - not that surprising cheating is roughly equal - that’s how so many peoples fathers aren’t actually their fathers! But initiating the breakup and the drivers for that is another matter. Anecdotally I find women leave when they feel unsafe or are being abused; men leave when a better offering appears!

@AB10

Thank you everyone. Yes, it’s very hard especially at this time of the year. My husband is saying that he know what he did was shameful, horrible and entirely his fault. He says he wants to build my trust back up and wants us to be a happy family again. But my heart is still broken. The OW’s marriage has broken up; her husband has asked her to leave and he has been in contact with me to say that their marriage is over.

Her husband is a wise man…..

OP, I’m no advocate of staying together after cheating and there is no excuse in the world for your husband’s behaviour. But it’s important to realise that you do have options and, more importantly, you do not have to make any decisions right now.

I think I recommend posting in the forums at Surviving Infidelity before, and I couldn’t recommend it enough for good advice and support, in whatever you decide you want to do.

Was is a physical affair or an emotional one?

It’s a horrible situation made worse by time of year. I’d focus on your son and give yourself time and space. How is he saying these things to you about wanting you back? Try and step away. What he’s saying now is exactly opposite of last week.

Hi everyone. Just our little boy to bed and he’s very excited about Santa coming.
I know - it’s such a difficult time to bear.
The affair was physical with just kissing. (I have asked very plainly whether there was anything else.)
Husband says he wants to rebuild my trust. That is hasn’t felt connected to me in a long time but now he does. He is looking at me so differently than before. But none of this changes the sheer heartbreak and agony that he has meted out to our family. 💔

You're Option Number Two.

Your 'DH' needs a home and he doesn't like being at his elderly parents' gaff like a big loser.
Who's going to wait hand and foot on him there and shag him?
Please don't take him back.

"Just kissing"?
Lol.
He's lying to you.

Read The Script.

Just kissing.....he wouldn't have risked everything for just kissing.....

Sorry OP but that's another lie.

@Teacupsandtoast

Just kissing.....he wouldn't have risked everything for just kissing.....

Very true.

I was seeing a guy last year for about 6 months, I found out he was married when his wife called me. I ended it with him straight away, told his wife what she wanted to know and his exact words where "if you don't want me then I'll just go back to my wife"

Other posters are 100% correct. You are option number 2 because she didn't want him. As awful as it is to hear or think about, it's true. It won't be long before he meets another woman and you'll go through this whole thing again.

I really hope you and your son have a good Christmas and things get better for you.

How can you believe a word he says. Just kissing is implausible and even if it’s just kissing it’s still unforgivable imo cheating on you.
I’m sure it’s constantly on your mind but try and focus on your little boy. 3 is such a lovely age for Christmas. Best Wishes.

Please don't let him cause you anymore heartache by stringing you along with this dripping of "honest information". As other people have said it wouldn't have been just kissing which would have caused him to wreck his marriage. Protect you and your little boy and keep your distance from his poison.

That is hasn’t felt connected to me in a long time but now he does. He is looking at me so differently than before

Because you're not ol reliable sure thing, to be discarded if he chooses .... at the moment.

When you are back in the ol reliable sure thing box, I'd not trust what he'll do in time.

"I can only value you (my wife and mother of my child my long term partner) when I've thrown you away and you're not coming back easily" is not a good basis for a stable, string relationship.

The ow being single now is also a high risk situation. He doesnt even have to meet a new love interest he's already laid all the ground work with her/crossed lines with her. Shell no doubt be very needy and unstable for a while; when he gets psst the offence of her not leaving for him, he may be back there.

Does her husband believe thry only kissed?

(In addition to the seedy messaging you found).

BTW I think owns husband told you so you'd be on your guard/not be left in the dark.

After all, your husband didn't even tell you why he was really walking out; and may not have for quite some time (would probably have presented ow as a new gf after splitting) , you had to find out by investigating yourself.

He's not honest or straight, and you have no idea what will transpire with ow, more than ever now she's single.

@FridaRose with the greatest of respect you haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about.
Not all husbands who have affairs react like he did. Not all who cheat are the same. There are brave ladies and men on here who admit to cheating and are full of remorse and horrified at what they did. They don’t blame their partners and call them shitty names and desert them. They own their crap behaviour and are doing all they can to be better people and make up for their wrongdoings. Are these people beyond redemption? Are you the only the sum of all the crappy things you ever did or said and regretted? Have you never learned from your life choices, good or bad?
It’s Christmas Eve Frida, when you chose to be so unkind to a total stranger.
If you lump all human beings as reacting/ being the the same in the same circumstances then there is no room for redemption, change or forgiveness in your world and I’m genuinely sorry for you.
It’s Christmas Eve Frida, new hope, a time to reflect and be thankful, when you chose to be so unkind to a total stranger.
I hope the spirit of Christmas reaches you at some point, Frida. It’s clearly absent here.
Me? I’m happy, about to watch Polar Express with our older teenage kids and my husband of 32 years like we always have since they were tiny. It will be a room full of love, hope and happiness.
Merry Christmas Frida, and everyone on Mumsnet. @Onthedunes you bloody rock and I think you are an amazing, strong, brave and refreshingly honest woman.
OP, hug your son and try to look forward now, not backwards. Things look bleak now but they will get better for you, you deserve so much more xxxx

It doesn’t really matter how he sees you now @AB10. The question is, how do you see him?

Do you see the man you trusted and married, or the man who happily tried to make you feel responsible for the breakdown of your marriage? Who used your PND as an excuse to mess around with another, MARRIED, woman?
Who looked you in the eye and said he despised you and walked out of your house with his suitcase at a time of day that his own child could witness it?

He was capable of all those things, however sorry he is now does not diminish his ability to do it again as soon as OW changes her mind or another woman comes along.

@AB10

Give it a rest, is there one thread about infidelity on here that you don't feel the need to ve in espousing the wonders & joys of staying with a cheating partner.

The lady doth protest too much.