Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hope you are OK OP. What a dreadful thing to have to deal with just before Christmas. I’m really glad your wee boy loved visiting Santa.

I’m afraid I also agree with PPs. Men demonstrate their commitment to you and their family by (at a bare minimum) refraining from carrying on an adulterous affair with another woman when the going gets a little bit tough.

Let him back and he'll do it again.

@Onthedunes thanks yea I never got the "guilty and will agree to anything stage" he was just out for himself the second we split - with ow as well as me!

@Ibizafun I too go through/went through stages of "why didn't I see what he was really like?" But NOBODY saw it, his parents, siblings, his closest friends since school were all also completely shocked and blindsided by how he changed it was really very strange! And it wasn't ow influence she's actually (aside from the cheating) a v nice person!

@SarahDarah I have NEVER seen what you claim on mn in several years of reading such threads. Your entire post was misogynistic drivel and I wasn't the only one who thought so

@me4real exactly and as I said in my first response to that in most cases by the time an op posts a thread they're usually at the end of their tether and have had to put up with a load of crap already!

I have no hatred of men (despite my background of abuse - not inc my ex aside from the cheating he always treated me well and it was a good fair marriage) and all I wish for fellow mners is a contented and peaceful life with their needs met and that they're not being mistreated.

Translation - the other woman has dumped him in an attempt to save her marriage

Yep! Don't be fooled op he's treated you dreadfully

When asked I've always said I MIGHT have been able to forgive the affair if he had been genuinely contrite and willing to do the work

What I could never forgive were his actions following the split and the way he treated dd especially. Completely out of order

He doesn't get to expect you to forget about the disgusting things he said and did just because his affair hasn't worked out the way he'd hoped.

You moreover can't forgive someone who's not sorry - as long as he's sticking to his narrative that his infidelity was entirely justified because your marriage wasn't all moonlight and roses, your marriage can't be saved.

Sorry, OP. Such a shit time of year for it to happen. I think you are handling the situation brilliantly and being so strong for your DS. Your husband is a fool to have squandered your love.

Telling someone, your wife, you despise them is unforgiveable, totally unforgiveable.

If they say they didn't mean it that makes it even worse.

Of COURSE he's saying he's 💯 committed to you and your son.

This is The Script.

'Oh crap, plan A failed. She's staying with her husband.

Quick, over to plan B.'

You're plan B.

Worm, wriggle, wheedle, whine.

Saying anything to get back what he's thrown in the bin.

Remember what he DID.

Insulted, despised, belittled, cheated on and abandoned you both.

You know their true nature by what they do. Not what they say they'll do.

Very poor behaviour from him.

Clearly he wanted some play time over Christmas, panicked at the event he went to and blurted out his current feelings.

Their relationship was obviously not set in stone as yet, but his words to you were unforgivable.
I would suggest this could just be a lull in their affair to get them through Christmas. The ow is probably trying to appease her h as we speak

But this may change after Christmas, it will start up again and all his words of 100% committed will mean nothing.

There is really nothing in his words for you to believe, I bet no one has ever told you they despise you, well he did and for her.

She is number 1.

Never go back with a man who tells you this and curses you at the same time.

It's the words.
He is very cruel.

I’ve only read your recent posts after coming back to this thread after several days.

You’ve been brilliant.

Some may not agree, but I’m glad you spoke to the OW and then told her poor HB. All parties have the right to know so they can then make informed choices about their lives.

Your sorry excuse of a HB is blatantly trying to weasel himself back in to the happy family life that he was apparently so miserable in. Him saying that he was not really happy for all those years was BS. He was lying to himself, you and your LB in a messed up attempt to justify his selfish and cruel behaviour.

He’s shown you exactly who he is, so you can’t trust him with your heart/happiness/life anymore. It’s the way in which he has gone about this would be the major issue for me. Him cutting you down the way he has with his cruel words has been devastatingly unkind and totally unnecessary. This is who he is. You can’t pretend that it did not happen, even though he obviously thinks he can.

Depending on my relationship history, I could possibly forgive an infidelity once, but I would want to know ALL of the details first (timelines, texts/emails, how may times they met up and where. How many times they were intimate and for how long, I.e., overnight somewhere or quickies in, did they kiss. Was it just a shag or did he think he was in love).
You’ve seen the emails and spoken to the OW and they’ve both lied and denied the evidence, so you have a good idea of how it evolved.
He has completely messed up bc of how he’s treated you by trying to blame you for his infidelity. He’s not sorry; he just feels sorry for himself and what he’s losing. And his still blaming you even now whilst also trying to worm his way back in!
He thought he’d found someone new and exciting to have sex with (sex is almost always exciting with new people in the beginning 🙄) and the bonus is that person would also cook for him, wash his clothes, keep the house clean, spick and span whilst also financially contributing to household finances. He would have all this new excitement (which obvs wouldn’t feel new for long), whilst you continue to provide 100% love and care for your LB in the home that he walked out of with that suitcase.
The fool definitely thought the grass was greener. He’s an idiot bc the OW obviously was not prepared to go the whole hog with him and give up her family set up. She took a dangerous risk by playing a dangerous game and now her family is f’d too, through her own doing.

You’re lucky to have a supportive Mum. Lean on her and friends and family to get through this. Spend Christmas with your Mum (anyone but him!). Please be kind to yourself. Have some time just for you and your LB over the holiday period. Continue to create a healthy distance from him. Continue to do pick ups & drop offs at the front door. You’ll be feel a lot better eventually 💐

It’ll be difficult but try to enjoy Christmas for your LB. It sounds like you been amazing so far with your LB, whilst going through all of this.
Here’s to a better New Year 💫

@FridaRose

It's a bit rich saying 'if my husband ever acted like this - he'd be out of the door!!'

Erm, your husband had an affair? And you're still together. @Thewookiemustgo

Frida,

Many couples have affairs, many couples split and many stay together.

There are many variables that change the decision whether to forgive or get rid.

You may have or may not have experienced an affair but I would say one of the biggest actions of remaining together is the cheaters remorse after discovery.

Some men/women do everthing they can, unlike op's husband, he kicked her in the stomach then booted her in the face when she expected an apology, very nasty behaviour.

Wookie is very honest in her telling of her husbands affair and their remaining together and I'm sure she's given so many other posters the wisdom of how to try for reconcilliation, but her husband very much regretted his actions and this changes things.

Bit of a personal attack there, I hope you never have to make that decision because it's unbelievably hard, especially when it's been a very long marriage.

@Abigail12345654321

He isn’t committed to you.

The other woman doesn’t want him now.

So he will stay with you until a better offer comes along. He won’t leave you until he has somewhere else to go. But he isn’t 100% committed to you or to your son. He is lying. He doesn’t want to stay at his parents with nobody to cook for him, clean for him and shag him. It’s as simple as that. He isn’t your friend. He isn’t your love. He isn’t someone you can trust.

Protect yourself and your child. Kick him out and make a better life without him. Don’t waste your youth waiting for him to find someone else. Far better to end things now and find someone else yourself. You deserve better than his git.

Here’s to a better 2022 xxx

Wise words. Sadly, speaking from experience of taking a cheater back.

Hope you manage to enjoy Christmas with your son. In my view you’d be mad to take him back OP. How could you ever trust him again. He’s been downright cruel to you. Lied to you - he denied ow. It sounds like he’s missing son and comfy home (what he criticised you for creating) not missing you. He’d almost certainly have an eye out for next ‘fun’ ow. Please be careful I agree he may try the lets have another baby tack to trap you. Certainly don’t rush into any decisions.

‘She is number 1.’

I disagree. He clearly thinks he is number 1. He put himself and his selfish needs before his Son, Wife, OW, OW’s Husband and their children.

You show people exactly how you expect to be treated. And check them every single time they step out of line.

‘…Please be careful I agree he may try the lets have another baby tack to trap you..’

I agree. I’ve seen this happen way too many times.

‘Many couples have affairs, many couples split and many stay together.

There are many variables that change the decision whether to forgive or get rid.

You may have or may not have experienced an affair but I would say one of the biggest actions of remaining together is the cheaters remorse after discovery.

Some men/women do everthing they can, unlike op's husband, he kicked her in the stomach then booted her in the face when she expected an apology, very nasty behaviour.

Wookie is very honest in her telling of her husbands affair and their remaining together and I'm sure she's given so many other posters the wisdom of how to try for reconcilliation, but her husband very much regretted his actions and this changes things.

Bit of a personal attack there, I hope you never have to make that decision because it's unbelievably hard, especially when it's been a very long marriage.’

^This 💯

@EllieSattler

Husband is now saying that he is 💯 committed to me and my son.

Translation - the other woman has dumped him in an attempt to save her marriage. Your husband is a callous bastard. I am sorry this is happening to you.

Sadly the most likely explanation. He’s rowing back because she is no longer an option.

@RantyAunty

Very sorry to hear it. I’ve seen it too many times. Husband has affair. Seems contrite (but really OW doesn’t want him!) and wife doesn’t actually throw him out. So ‘they’ try to make it work. But really that means she tries to make it work. In the meantime he’s no happier than he was before and is just waiting to see if a better offer comes along. Whereas she thinks they are both going all out to make a go of it.

And he may never get a better offer. So it might ‘work’.

But who wants to be left with the booby prize nobody else would want?

And if anyone else wants him, he just leaves later.

There should be more research on marriage breakdown so the data can be published; how can women make informed choices without the data? Someone on here once said they worked in divorce law and in their whole career, never saw a man initiate divorce unless he has an OW lined up.

So if the women put up with having their shitty cheating asses in the house, they will stay until it suits them to leave. So depressing. But it’s so important women know that if it’s reality - and make decisions accordingly.

@FridaRose……personal and unkind #bekind…..

@Abigail12345654321 there IS some research into this. It shows that men & women are roughly equally likely to be unfaithful and that around 25-50% of unfaithful partners go on to cheat again, whether in that same relationship or another one. Obviously this is based on what people say so has to be taken with a grain of salt but lots of studies have shown similar results. I’ve never read any research into what % of men have OW lined up, but I would agree with you, I’ve never known a man bugger off without a side piece in the wings!!!

They always say have we ever been happy when they are reading the infidelity script.
Never apologise again, tell him to get stuffed if he feels like that and other people might think he's funny but you don't.
He can swivel on that the gaslighting knob.

Aside from his from character (he fucks around with another woman and tries to jump ship, having married and created a family with someone, tries to blame them, rewrite history etc.) .....

I would see any reconciliation as very tenuous, and therefore unwise because;.

A ow's husband is in shock, preservation mode, possibly hysterical bonding etc. He, like many spouse's, may think ge can forgive it, may try to forgive it . . But may not be able to. If he leaves, she's available and for more likely to entertain your husband again. Do you think he'll stay, given How's he's acted, what's he said, and what he saying now? He's told you he despises you, he was seemingly prepared to leave you, he's only said said wants yo make it work for your son, now he's saying he's committed; bit ues not said he was wrong/lying about despising you, or wrong/lying about never having been happy (or not being happy for a long time). He may say it if you demand it , but would be be truthful?

His plan a has tanked, he doesnt want to be a single/separated man living in his parents house, looking like a loser, looking not respectable etc. Thats appears most likely.

B OW could change tack and leave after all. Same implications as above.

C OW abd your dh could go back to being involved when danger/crisis etc is past. That happens. Same implications as above.

It's a city tenuous socialism you'd he putting yourself in, depending on the whims of OW, ow's husband, and your husband. I worry you'll come out the victim again.

Might I add your marriage doesn't sound like it was equal or fair before all this anyway.

He sounds like one spoiled, selfish boy.

*It's a very tenuous situation

Fwiw I also seriously doubt your son is his priority.

He wasn't when he cheated, and walked out.

He's using him to get back in.

Despicable.

Thank you everyone. Yes, it’s very hard especially at this time of the year.
My husband is saying that he know what he did was shameful, horrible and entirely his fault.
He says he wants to build my trust back up and wants us to be a happy family again. But my heart is still broken.
The OW’s marriage has broken up; her husband has asked her to leave and he has been in contact with me to say that their marriage is over.

Of course, he doesn't want you to have any space - he wants you to feel confused and doubting yourself and stressed because then he thinks he can slip back in as if nothing happened. Maybe even get some of the blame put back on you for not being fun or understanding enough and driving him into another woman's arms etc.

This.

You'll be blaming yourself for having pnd (bet you did pretty much all the nights abd that a last partly caused it) and a bit of ocd, if he gets his way.

You'll be the one feeling like you have to try harder.

You don't.

You arent to blame.

Plenty of people have ocd to some level. Plenty of women get pnd.

Do 100% of their partner's cheat and throw away their marriages (he's mostly trying to get back because ow hasn't left)?

He's a dumb ass. Not only selfish abd lacking integrity and unrealistic and unreasonable ; but actually a dumb ass. Cause he's left his wife for an ow who doesbt actually want him enough to leave herself; do you want to ge wiry someone who's such a dumb ass loser, they can't even judge hos on exit affair correctly, abd is back, cap in hand, at discarded wife's door, using his child as currency??