Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Agree with @RaisedByPangolins 100%. X

I have been exactly where you are op. Once I realised to what extent of a piece of shit he was, I felt disappointed in my judgement of character- and wondered if I'd ever be able to trust myself to chose a decent person.

The man you thought he was is not that man. Every time you feel your heart breaking, realise that this was not your decision and that you have no choice. It might be hard to see now, but there is an AMAZING future out there for you and your ds. It may not be the one you thought it would be (and you are grieving this) but it will be SO MUCH better. You just need to stay strong and determined in the short term.

I’m so sorry op. He is a class one, grade A thundercunt. He is also tragically predictable, absolutely nothing special about him….he’s been shagging some equally morally devoid bint, so OF COURSE that must be your fault! He is the definition of a sad cliche. I can feel your pain through your posts and it’s awful. But the only way through now is to grey rock the shit out of him. Communicate only about absolute essentials, nothing personal and get your ducks in a row. If his side piece is wavering, the next part of the script will be “I made a mistake”. At that point tell him to fuck off, then fuck off some more. This wasn’t a mistake this was thousands of lies and so much deception. You deserve far more.

How are you today, OP? Hope you're holding up OK.

I have read your entire thread and I think he has treated you abominably. The things he has said; and the rewriting history to suit his own ends is just beyond the pale. His behaviour is so transparent in what he was attempting. And now that his side piece doesn't want him, he has come crawling back to you, expecting you to forget the cruel and awful things that were said. I hope you will not forget what he did and said.

Oh well done op. You're doing so well. I'm so sorry - I once had a call from the xh of ow telling me what was going on - such a similar story to yours, unfortunately. Even the same photo comments!

The shock when I found out was a sickening gut punch and the subsequent cruelty is still hard to reconcile with the man I met and married. I was so upset at the unfairness and sudden loss of everything i knew, I was physically ill. It was a torrid time but I got through it and you will too.

The best thing you can do is lawyer up and start walking through this. I'd genuinely just file for divorce and leave him behind. You are worth so much more than this. You can't ever really come back from this cruelty.

Tell him he can be as happy as he likes and can stay with the person who appreciates him because you don't want him.
Please don't take him back he will do this again, as soon as things get a bit tough again he will look elsewhere.
I know it's hard know but it will be even harder if you go back and he does it again, because he will. You will never trust him again.
Tell him to stop texting about his feelings and what's going on with him, you are not interested, could you please only communicate about our son and other house matters , I'm not interested in anything else and please don't cave in and let him come for Christmas.
He wanted His free life now he can have it.
You are better off without him. X

What strikes me is that he sees op as sine kind of cardboard cut out, non person with no feelings, dignity, wishes, rights etc.

"I said u despise you, I've never been happy with you, I've cheated on you for months (?), I've walked out on you and our rather than take you to a rugby match my affair partner was going to be at (and because I was planning on doing it anyway), you may suspect I'm only asking back because my affair partner'ss not leaving her husband, I've potentially destroyed someone else's marriage and small kids' family as well as my own, but ....... I want to try for our son.

It's all about me, should be his theme tune.

Does it also strike you that his judgement & knowledge of the other woman as a person is completely lacking too; because he's totally jumped the gun and it doesnt look like she's leaving her marriage. So maybe shes a bit of a cardboard cut out to him too.

He seems like a fkg narcissist.

The poster who said ppl like him have no emotional intelligence, are selfish etc has a point.

Asking him the how and the why will just give him the sense that you're interested and you'll listen. Which he'll seize on and use against you.

It will then prompt him to manufacture, rehearse and embed his own tale into the whole thing, into his mind as the truth, and possibly into your mind too.

He's the desperate one now, who'll say anything to get it all back, which up til now has been your unpleasant role in all this.

I treated my one experience like a difficult conversation with a member of staff whose behaviour was unacceptable. It helped very much.

Now you know the situation, go with telling him what is going to happen. Though it will be difficult, resist the urge to say what and how you feel. Opening the door to your feelings can be a way in for manipulative tactics. Be the polite, businesslike, reasonable one. Bring conversations back to business if he tries the emotional manipulation script.

And keep detailed notes of what has happened as they may well be important.

The next play from DH about 2/4 weeks from now will be - well done for sticking by me. Let's have another baby to cement our stronger than ever bond 😏

@AB10

And I do agree that you need to fit chains on the doors, maybe change the locks, and start looking at any joint accounts to make sure your husband can't clean them out.

It can be hard to think through some practical issues whilst you are going through this maelstrom of hurt and bewilderment OP but please, take time - sooner rather than later - to protect your finances.

Once your 'D'H realises there's no way back into your marriage for him (or even before then) he will turn nastier and could well drain your bank accounts.

Do ensure that you change any the passwords to accounts which he even might know how to access (ensure to passwords are strong, unique and unguessable) plus, if at all possible, withdraw at least half from any joint accounts - including savings. I've seen so many times on MN that the outgoing spouse (often the man) has no conscience about leaving their partner, and often children, destitute when things don't go their way. This is the main step for now - in the future you'll need to remove him as a beneficiary from any other financial plans you have - eg: Death in service benefits from your job. 🌹

@Graphista I completely stand by my comment that there are a lot of posters on this Internet board who appear sadly invested in breaking up other people's marriages/families. I and other posters see this all the time.

@SarahDarah We don't have any motivation to do that if there's no reason for a couple to split. We're not deranged or evil. The men/husbands women describe on here can be very cruel, abusive, and/or cheaters (as in OP's husband's case) etc.

If you would stay with a bloke like that, you do you I guess. But I wouldn't advise any women to put up with sexual coercion, cheating and all the other stuff we see on this board.

'I reconciled with my husband after his affair, but he would have been shown the door permanently if he’d ever said anything like this man has said to you, or behaved this way'
@Thewookiemustgo

But your husband is no better than OP's husband.

It's a bit rich saying 'if my husband ever acted like this - he'd be out of the door!!'

Erm, your husband had an affair? And you're still together. @Thewookiemustgo

What an utter knob but then this is how they go - blame the wife for their unhappiness which they never communicated at the time . There is no point in even trying to make sense of a man like this . He has chosen a path and he wants to say he is not at fault and that it was all you .

I’m so sorry you are going through this @AB10. It’s horrible, but you are not the one at fault here. Minimise your contact - perhaps get him to use email (and set up a divert so all emails from him go into a special folder that you only check when you feel up to it - stops him popping up and demanding your attention.)
Another book recommendation would be Rosie Green’s “How to Heal a Broken Heart”.
Please remember that your value does not decrease based on someone’s inability to see your true worth. You are not alone and you are strong.

I haven't read the full thread but have got the gist so I'm sorry if I am missing anything.
OP your husband has been gas lighting you which is a form of emotional abuse. He was quite happy to blame you and make you think you were the one at fault when actually he was the one who was having an affair. This is absolutely unacceptable and although you may not feel it today, one day you will look back and agree with what I am saying.
You and your son deserve better, you deserve to be happy too and will this man ever truely na should happy?!
Good for you for telling the OW husband!
Sending lots of love tk you xx

@Sidehustle99

The next play from DH about 2/4 weeks from now will be - well done for sticking by me. Let's have another baby to cement our stronger than ever bond 😏

I know a family with a huge age gap then a sticking plaster baby.

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for the messages. I do really appreciate all of your support and care. Currently, I’m just getting through Christmas for my DS. I took him to see Santa yesterday which he loved.

I am still in shock. My world is just upside down and I can’t make sense of it but as many of you have said, that is normal so I’m holding onto that with both hands.
Husband is now saying that he is 💯 committed to me and my son. This is so hard to hear because it’s just so at odds with what happened last week.

Husband is now saying that he is 💯 committed to me and my son.

Translation - the other woman has dumped him in an attempt to save her marriage. Your husband is a callous bastard. I am sorry this is happening to you.

He isn’t committed to you.

The other woman doesn’t want him now.

So he will stay with you until a better offer comes along. He won’t leave you until he has somewhere else to go. But he isn’t 100% committed to you or to your son. He is lying. He doesn’t want to stay at his parents with nobody to cook for him, clean for him and shag him. It’s as simple as that. He isn’t your friend. He isn’t your love. He isn’t someone you can trust.

Protect yourself and your child. Kick him out and make a better life without him. Don’t waste your youth waiting for him to find someone else. Far better to end things now and find someone else yourself. You deserve better than his git.

Here’s to a better 2022 xxx

You'd be mad to take him back after he's been shagging another woman.
And because he's been so cruel to you and so willing to walk out the door, in the first place.

You are doing so well, OP. I would tell your H that you refuse to discuss ANY part of this with him right now. He needs to stop coming at you with all these conflicting messages. It's hurtful and confusing. He needs to give you space to process how you feel.

Of course, he doesn't want you to have any space - he wants you to feel confused and doubting yourself and stressed because then he thinks he can slip back in as if nothing happened. Maybe even get some of the blame put back on you for not being fun or understanding enough and driving him into another woman's arms etc.

I agree with pp. Sounds like he thought it was all go with the OW and she's knocked him back. I would tell him to back off. You'll talk when and if you're ready to do so, but that's not going to be on his schedule or his terms.

Hope you are doing ok OP.

He used words to destroy your world and blame you for his leaving when he had been cheating.

Now he's saying nice things to weasel back. If you take him back, you'll always be on tenterhooks waiting for him to do it again. Because he will.