Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

@SarahDarah, I don't think you have RTFT. There's an OW. The 'D'H has moved out

SarahDarah Seriously?! RTFT – he's been cheating on her with a woman at work and blaming her for it. Please don't add to OP's trauma by telling her she must be difficult to live with.

Sorry @SarahDarah, but there are 27 pages of thread, next time at least read the OPs posts before dispensing your advice.

@AB10 sorry OP, just seen that things progressed and he's apparently been cheating. Sending you

When I read the OP I assumed your child was much younger so these problems were relatively recent e.g. over the last several months,in which case definitely made sense to work on what I had written previously.

Thanks for apologising @SarahDarah. OP seems such a lovely person.

I've been where you are and he's definitely following the script. He's re-writing history about the times you had together and trying to put the blame on you and deflect it from him. My exH was exactly the same when I was seeking answers almost using the same wording. I felt so ashamed and didn't share what I was going through with anyone. I'm glad you've got so much support on here and in real life. Things will change for you over the next few years and things will be hard but use your friends and support on here as much as you can and ignore your ex as much as you can. Mine turned particularly nasty in his words to me despite me not getting angry and just getting on with my life.

Op don't let him away with trying to guilt you into taking him back by saying it's for your son. He's not even apologised or taking an ounce of responsibility for the horrible things he's said to you or for the other woman. All he's done us try and blame you! How dare he. I hope you're getting mad

@AB10

He wants to try and make it work for our son. 💔

He doesn't want to make it work for your son. If that were true he wouldn't have walked out on him. He wants to make it work for himself. His fantasy hasn't panned out so he wants his plan B to kick in.

He had this whole escape plan worked out. He thought he was going to live his fantasy life with his bit on the side - without realising he was also the bit on the side, or that she had no intention of ever walking away from her comfortable if a little dull real everyday life. I reckon she's now going all out to save that, and he has no place in it. Out in the cold is a nasty dose of reality. You have great reasons to say no to trying again - you know how he feels about you, you know how he treats you, what he says to you, what he did. Even if you did try again that will always be an ugly wedge between you. Plus he now has a habit that would be hard to break, and you'd never be able to trust him again. And all of this will be witnessed by your child. Stay strong. xxx

Don't get into/stay in any conversations with him @AB10 , he's just hurting you.

Only talk to him about any practicalities you genuinely have no choice but to discuss. And even things like pick ups/drop offs etc can be organized through an online calendar or something, as PP's said.

@AB10

Yes we’ve agreed contact. Thanks for all your advice. It’s really helping. I’m just in shock I think at the minute.

Dear AB, I think you're absolutely right: at the moment you're in shock. Things have changed really quickly over only a few days. It's a bit of a cliché but nobody else has said it so I will: the end of a relationship – if that's what this is – is very like a bereavement in lots of ways. You're grieving for the future you thought you had, and the man you thought he was.

I agree with PP: block your husband from texting you for a bit so you've got time to take care of yourself, process what's happened, and try and distract yourself from it too, without your DH continually throwing new accusations into the mix. It must be incredibly stressful every time another text comes in, and you don't need that just now.

Maybe have a think about how you can organise Christmas so your husband has some time with your son without too much contact with you. And I do agree that you need to fit chains on the doors, maybe change the locks, and start looking at any joint accounts to make sure your husband can't clean them out.

But please take care of yourself too – if you're putting on a brave face for your son, you need some time on your own or with friends to process all these emotions. Sending you lots of love.

@SocialConnection

He had this whole escape plan worked out. He thought he was going to live his fantasy life with his bit on the side - without realising he was also the bit on the side, or that she had no intention of ever walking away from her comfortable if a little dull real everyday life. I reckon she's now going all out to save that, and he has no place in it. Out in the cold is a nasty dose of reality. You have great reasons to say no to trying again - you know how he feels about you, you know how he treats you, what he says to you, what he did. Even if you did try again that will always be an ugly wedge between you. Plus he now has a habit that would be hard to break, and you'd never be able to trust him again. And all of this will be witnessed by your child. Stay strong. xxx

This is spot on. I’m guessing the OW is trying to make things work with her DH? Even when he ‘wants to make thing work’ he’s telling you he’s never been happy with you?

OP it must be so hard to be facing this and facing all the change that comes with it through no fault of your own. But please please do not let him back. He has no respect for you at all. He’s probably just doing it to avoid having to have the inconvenience of a split and shared custody. Your life can be so much brighter and happier than with this terrible man. If he comes back he’ll just walk all over you and you won’t feel able to say a word for fear of being accused of making him unhappy. Protect yourself and invest in a happy future without him. You sound absolutely lovely.

He'll be trying out a range of tactics, moving between them. They'll include:

Wheedling, emotional manipulation, using your child, poor-me-all-alone-at-Christmas, sobs and tears, apologies and promises, anger, ranting, insults and threats. Trying to see what sticks. What will get him WHAT HE WANTS. Which is the only thing that matters.

you will get a lot of posters here who are sadly invested in helping break up other people's marriages and families

That's absolute bollocks.

Posters on here advocate op's leaving/throwing they're partner out/not reconciling when they see they have been and/or are being mistreated.

Why would anyone be invested in breaking up the marriage/family of ppl they don't even know??
Tbh that "theory" reminds me of the sorts of things misogynist men say when women (rightly) advise his partner not to take any more of his shit; "she's a jealous/dried io/bitter/sjngleton/spinster avd she just wants orhervwineh the same" etc etc. You seem to have internalised misogyny or .... ?

*she just wants other women the same

In addition to being mistreated, posters also weigh up the chances of the op's partner continuing or repeating the treatment and that's why they advocate breaking up .... the op could be on the start ofvtge re ivory abd rebuilding Road, instead of set back by a other 2, 3, 4 etc years.

*recovery and rebuilding

@SocialConnection

He'll be trying out a range of tactics, moving between them. They'll include:

Wheedling, emotional manipulation, using your child, poor-me-all-alone-at-Christmas, sobs and tears, apologies and promises, anger, ranting, insults and threats. Trying to see what sticks. What will get him WHAT HE WANTS. Which is the only thing that matters.

Mebtsl health issue, depression, and even suicide threats may also fearire when ge realises you're serious about not letting him back into the family home/back in a convenient marriage (now that he's jumped the gun by leaving, and ow hasn't matched it (and is probably not going to unless her dh leaves).

He is also a wild card now he knows. And it's early days. He could still leave sooner or later, and ow could still end up separated .... and one has to wonder where your "d" h will end up if she does.

Lots of ppl try to work through infidelity but find they can't.

(He, being owns husband).

Nobody is "invested" in breaking up families they don't know. Actually what you've got is many, many women who've been exactly where OP is before and are "invested" in telling her that we understand, we've been there, we know she can get through it and we know she can absolutely thrive afterwards.

I think some of us get so passionate on these threads because we can't go back in time and tell our past selves what we now know, so this is the closest thing.

We're invested in women not being in awful relationships/marriages, where we can see the bloke is irredeemable, dangerous, or what he's done is beyond the pale.

You are doing so well OP. You might not think you are but you are.
Please don't listen to what he is saying. It is a well known tactic to rewrite the past. It eases his guilt to pretend that things were never good. Don't believe him. You did have happy times together. He did love you.
Unfortunately that has changed now and that is awful for you to deal with but you will get through this. Keep on going and try not to speak to him as it will not help at this stage. Sending love and strength

Posters really need to AT LEAST read ALL THE OPS POSTS!

OW has been CONFIRMED

That message he sent you posted at 1634 yesterday saying it wouldn't have happened if the marriage had been happy

1 the responsibility to make it a happy marriage is on him too!

2 you are not responsible for his actions! Even IF the marriage was genuinely unhappy (Which I don't actually believe!) then the adult responsible thing to do is SAY SO and then either do what's necessary to fix that OR leave BEFORE starting a new relationship!

He's trying to assuage his own guilt!

I agree with pps just block his lying cheating self aggrandising arse!

He wants to try and make it work for our son.

I'd be VERY wary of this! For starters you need to decide IF you can forgive him (I couldn't) and IF you trust him not to do this to you again. Plus just wanting to continue the marriage for the sake of dc is a poor reason anyway! Plus he's behaved despicably throughout

Plus I'm thinking he's only saying this as ow has realised not worth blowing her and her kids life up, possibly her dh willing to forgive and so your husband is now out in the cold without wife or ow and he doesn't fancy being alone! Cos then he may have to act like an adult!!

The thing about an affair is it is ONLY about the fun aspects of a relationship! The parties are on best behaviour, there's no day to day drudge or regular relationship issues (like nightmare in laws, financial stress etc) to bum someone out! It's all perfume and roses and sex!

That's not real life! This is why so so many affairs burn out if the parties actually properly get together.

Or makes for a very unhappy relationship for them. My ex is still with ow BUT I have it on good authority they are miserable together! He's still cheating on a regular basis, he won't leave cos he is worried about financial implications, she won't leave cos she fears he would treat their dc as badly as he treated our dd. Those are pretty much direct quotes I'm told. Any ow he gets involved with has been clear with him they have no interest in a permanent arrangement too. It's a mess! I saw a photo of them both taken a few years back, he was smiling but the smile was mouth only, he looked old, grey, tired, unfit and rather unwell tbh. She is considerably younger than me yet looks older than me now, also very grey quite prematurely, and also looked pretty unwell generally. And that was them all done up and "happy" for an event!

People who have affairs are generally immature, selfish, irresponsible types who expect good stuff to just "happen" for them. My ex was the same in our relationship and tbh with his career and friendships and relationships with friends and family too. He didn't think he needed to make an effort himself!

Since our split and from getting to know others who've had affairs or who's partners/spouses have and this is something I've noticed over the years that this is the certain type that cheats.

I'm thinking ow may "need" to stay with her husband for financial/home reasons and so that's why she's staying put.

you will get a lot of posters here who are sadly invested in helping break up other people's marriages and families

Utter bull!

That entire post is misogynistic op blaming tripe op ignore! Weak apology too.

I reckon she's now going all out to save that

I agree!

Agree with socialconnection too.

My ex tried at various points over the years to get back with me. I used his desperation at one point to finally get a confession of all he had done! What did I learn through these conversations?

He had pursued ow which was all kinds of wrong!

He admitted I had been a good wife he was just bored of being responsible and wanted some "fun" he felt he'd been passed over for a promotion around this time and was pissed off about that!

He hadn't actually wanted our marriage to end, he fully intended for ow to only ever be a "bit on the side", that they weren't compatible but she looked like a younger version of me so that's what attracted him (she does look a lot like me, when we were friends prior and out shopping etc together people would ask if we were sisters)

That when ow first told him she was pregnant approx fortnight after I'd booted him out he tried to pressure her into an abortion purely because he knew there'd be absolutely NO WAY back if there were a child involved

That he screwed his career with his behaviour at this time he was showing up late/hungover and not doing his job properly his boss was majorly pissed off with him (at the time he had tried to make out this was my fault for "stressing him out")

That contrary to what they BOTH told me at the time NEITHER family was at all happy with everything that had happened and they were each banned from the others parents home.

That his parents had absolutely laid into him with both barrels the weekend it all blew up! Then his siblings laid into him too. His sister was totally disgusted with him. That his parents had told him he was a bloody idiot for destroying a good marriage to a good woman who was the best thing that ever happened to him! (At the time he was telling me that they'd said the marriage was never going to work and that they'd always thought I wasn't right for him etc)

That her family had done the same basically they were thoroughly ashamed of her actions

He propositioned me the night before THEIR wedding! I was there for dd to be bridesmaid and he had zero shame on this!

Sometimes posters ask for revenge ideas? He had done this by text and email so I had proof (inc a dick pic which inc a nearby tattoo he had only recently had done!) so I COULD Easily have dropped him right in it...

I did?...

Nothing

But - again on good authority - I heard that he spent his entire wedding day and honeymoon SHITTING himself in case I did tell her!

I dropped dd off all smiles and same collecting her, nice as pie!

He knew I had seen and read the messages. But he had no idea how I was feeling/likely to respond.

This is exactly when "the best revenge is to do nothing" was perfectly true!

I think being happily single is a perfectly valid choice, that staying in an unhappy relationship is a bad choice and that I've yet to see "ltb" that isn't thoroughly deserved/right!

Posters generally don't post until things in a relationship are pretty bad, and even when that is the case - eg when it's just that a relationship is going through a bad patch due to new baby etc - then pps generally advise that it's common and how to get back on track and NOT ltb

I've seen certain posters reference threads they considered ltb was given to freely and I'm either already familiar with the thread or I go an look and I've yet to agree/find that the ltb was actually given "for no good reason" on one occasion the relationship was actually physically abusive and the pp saying it wasn't ltb territory was prob abusive or trolling themselves

And I've been on mn a while now!

Op he has treated you appallingly!

Protect yourself emotionally, financially and legally

How are things today, OP? How are you holding up?

@Graphista Great post.

Some men are worse than others when found out to be cheating, some show remorse, some leave but some are just downright cruel.

I know you are just finding your feet op and this is the most massive shock but your husband has a nastiness within him that has shocked many posters.

Alarm bells ringing is not in it, you neither deserved his cheating nor his wicked cruelty when on his way out. I could imagine some trauma bonding going on as he has so brutally cut you dead and altered your world so quickly.

In time you will see this man was never your friend, no true friend could ever hurt you this way. You would be better to treat him as this, a friend who was disloyal and a backstabber.

I believe there is something very off in his nature, cruel and wicked, someone who should not be in your life. I would not trust a word he says, he couldn't even lie to you to make things easier for you.

I would be very wary of ever speaking to him again as I think he has an evil streak.

Take care and protect yourself and your child.