Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Stop talking to him/messaging with him. Grey rock everything. You won't get an answer from him, because the true answer is that he's a shithead and it's easier to blame you than to face up to that. That is the answer, OP.

Just stop engaging with him for now. The more you talk with him the more chances he has to mess with your head. Stick to what you know: what's happening right now? He's walked out on you and DC. He's having an affair. He's broken up two families. Okay. What can you do? Get finances in order, get a solicitor, focus on DC and have the best xmas you can.

I know it sounds harsh but you will find it easier to deal with all of this if you stop engaging with him.

@AB10

He wants to try and make it work for our son. 💔

Because she’s said no.

Sorry op but you deserve better and will get better. Truly you will.

You could have been the worst wife in the world (which you weren’t) and your husband still would have had ample, AMPLE choices to turn to: leaving you, asking for counselling, talking to you earnestly. But he chose to betray you and your son. He cheated because he wanted to. False stop.

I’d suggest you head on over to a website called Surviving Infidelity. The wealth of knowledge and support over there is wonderful.

Yes as pp's have said, he's blown up his own life for a life with her and she had no intention of leaving her husband.

Your ex has now realised he doesn't have a ready made new fun relationship to go to and wants to go back to you so you can look after him again.

Do not let him come back. Remember all the horrible things he said to you and about you.

Do not let him rewrite history and make you the baddy he is the one to blame for all of this. He had an affair and then decided to leave you and your son for the OW. He is the one to blame not you.

He couldn't even be honest so made up lies that you'd never been a good partner or wife and he had long since fallen out of love with you if he ever did.

Remember all of this. If she hadn't said no he would be with her now. Do not be anyones second choice, you are worth a hundred of him.

He's a very selfish man. How many lies has he told in the last few months to cover his cheating arse? Where's the loyalty to you OP?

@Joeynelson I imagine the OP’s a bit busy right now; the answers to all your questions are in her previous posts.

She has been married to her husband seven years although they have been together for over 10 years.

Yes, he has been having an affair with another woman although it looks like she no longer wants to be with him now the details of the affair have been exposed and her husband also now knows.

OP, I wish I could reach out of the screen and give you a hug.
I saw this thread in active and thought hmmm, but didn't see your update. What a cliche your H is.
You will get through this. I know how difficult it is when your world has crashed around you and you are struggling to recognise the person you thought you knew. It's tough. Gather your nearest and dearest around you.
You haven't said, but I know when I was in your shoes, I was embarrassed as if I wasn't enough, or had done something wrong. Eventually I realised the shame was all STBXH's. That really helped me.

What an arse he is.

I'd love to say something that will make you feel better, OP, but I'm too busy scoffing at what a selfish, self absorbed idiot he is. What a total pillock. Not a word about what he has done to you, just self serving nonsense designed to excuse his disgusting egocentric spoiled brat behaviour.

I hope Santa brings him a sack of coal.

In fact, stick one under the tree, and watch him explain that to your DS!

You never get answers from men like this. I thought I'd go insane from the lack of closure until I realised closure came from within myself and from accepting the fact that I'd never understand it. That's a long way down the line for you - but just believe that you will get there one day.

It massively massively helped when I pulled up my walls and stopped communicating with my ex.

You can Teath your son a priceless lesson here and show him exactly how you shouldn't treat someone you love and what you do if it's done to you.

This point is hard and confusing and so very painful but if you persevere you will be so much better off without this nasty piece of work in your home and your heart.

@AB10 - like all other PPs, I think you have behaved with incredible wisdom, strength and dignity throughout this. It's natural to feel overwhelmed by what you're going through.

Try to avoid asking him for explanations. My DF had numerous affairs and eventually my parents' marriage broke down, but at least he had the decency to say it was on him and take responsibility for what he did. It shocks me to the core how many unfaithful men on MN don't even have the balls to admit to any fault. That is how lacking he is in basic decency and integrity. He can't admit that he has done anything wrong. It is actually completely pathetic. He is a pathetic, deeply inadequate man.

And he was gratuitously cruel in the things he said to you. He said things to you that were verging on wicked and cannot be unheard. He took pains to tell you how much he disliked you and that he no longer loved you. So I don't see how you could possibly take him back with those things having been said and given how he has behaved. He felt able to say those things to you because he thought he was well in with the OW and he was swanning off to build a life with her. He didn't care about you at all.

You will get through this, OP, but as PPs have said - it will take time and the only way out is through. Also this whole thing has escalated incredibly quickly - your first post was less than a week ago - so on top of the grief, there will be incredible shock. Get as much support as you can from the people around you. Allow yourself to grieve and weep but also have some treats lined up for yourself also. In time, this will get easier and you will get to a good place where you feel only indifference for him. Hard to imagine now but you will get there.

FWIW - and I know you're not thinking about other relationships right now - but my mum met the love of her life after my parents' 30+ year marriage ended. She was in her mid-50s at the time.

Derry is right, this has moved so quickly you have not had any time to adjust to the new reality.

Sometimes you just want normal back at whatever the cost, it's understanderble but you are now at an advantage, if you can call it that.

Her husband now knows, so that will bring forward decisions on both their parts. The jolt into reality has come.

It's horrible but he maybe pining for her and that is another reason why he cannot apologise, he still thinks the affair is real, what a child he is.

Hopefully her husband is not the aggresive type but he may try to hide behind your respectability, don't let him. He needs to feel the consequenses of his actions now, leave him alone to stay with his elderly, ill parents., let him be lonely.
I doubt too much will happen as her husband will be keeping a beady eye on her.

He's a dreadful man, he really is op, the worst kind of betrayer. He's been very disloyal to you, please don't show him any loyalty, show him no mercy.

@AB10

He wants to try and make it work for our son. 💔

Cause the ow is no longer an option! No no no no no no no and no.

He's still doubling down and blaming you.
When did he try to be funny, charming, plan fun things to do?

He really is trying to break you and wear you down with his contact.
He hasn't respected your request for space at all.

It might be helpful to block him for a week or two so you can have time to think and process things without him in your ear badgering you constantly.

I wouldn’t bother talking it through with him. Perhaps just reply in hindsight you never took responsibility for yourself, and you still aren’t. If you think any of these stories you’re pulling out now justify how you’ve treated me and your child, you’re delusional. Everybody knows you left, you cheated on me, you weren’t worried about your child, just walked out because you know I will look after them.

@AB10

He wants to try and make it work for our son. 💔

Yes, and when he comes back, make sure that you laugh at his jokes, gaze at him adoringly and have fun at all times. You know what will happen if you don't, and will be all your fault.

He wants to try and make it work for our son.

Didn't seem to bothered about making it work for your son when he was having the affair, and when he walked out after the rugby match "wife and other woman combo" panic thing.

It sounds like he wouldn't be trying to make it work for your son if she had walked put too.

He's using it as manipulation to get back in.

Yes, and when he comes back, make sure that you laugh at his jokes, gaze at him adoringly and have fun at all times. You know what will happen if you don't, and will be all your fault.

While doing all the cleaning and being primary children carer while he plays golf and had nights out, with pnd (which i bet op got in part because she did bear all the night wakings) while working FT.

PP are quite right. You won't get straight answers from him, and you'll hurt yourself trying. Don't give him the satisfaction of lying to you again. You're doing well, you and your little boy will be fine without him, and I promise you will be happy again - although I know it doesn't seem like it now. Keep going, we are all thinking of you and supporting you.

OP you are naturally in shock and so is he. Reality has hit and he is being forced to face some very unpleasant facts about himself.
In your shock of realising what has been going in you are desperate for answers. In his shock of being faced with reality, he is desperate to avoid the truth about himself and his unjustifiable behaviour towards you and his son.
At present his “answers” are not the real answers you seek. They are his cruel shock response to you finding out about his true nature. His “answers” to your questions are not the truth: they are about re-writing history to shift blame to you, his answers are about vilifying you and glorifying her in order to justify his choices.
His answers make no sense to you because that is what they are: nonsense.
Of course there were plenty of times when he was happy with you, your marriage and your little family. That’s the real reason why he has that picture as a screen saver. Trouble is, in his head, if any of that is true, then what kind of man would do that to his loved ones? That is the reality he has created and he is too cowardly to face it. He can’t bear the truth about himself so his mind wriggles and squirms to avoid it.
His OW by the looks of it has also had a big reality check and run back to her husband. He has what he deserves, nothing. It’s all his own doing and he can’t stand it. He can’t stand the thought that it’s nobody’s fault but his own.
He wants to “make it work”? What needs to work is parenting your children well together within the new framework of being separated. I would not be prepared to take this man back, OP. I reconciled with my husband after his affair, but he would have been shown the door permanently if he’d ever said anything like this man has said to you, or behaved this way.
Don’t listen to his lies about you and your shared history, he is doing a huge re-fit of his whole past to make himself look like a victim and to make you look like you caused it.
These were his choices in the face of whatever issues he had, his behaviour, his actions. You did not drive him to do this or do anything which forced him or left him with no other choice. He could have talked to you at any time about how he felt and he chose not to. He chose to do this instead.
You carry no blame, OP. None whatsoever. Take care and do not try to make sense at present if a man who is talking rubbish. XX

Oh OP what a total head fuck. The problem is he’s victim blaming. Saying the ‘right’ thing in one breath - make it work - but not taking responsibility for what HE did.

How will you ever know what this man is thinking? He didn’t talk to you about his supposed unhappiness. He didn’t honour his marriage vows by try to communicate before it was too late. No he ditched you for a better gig, that got cancelled.

I’m sorry OP but you don’t want to be the back up plan so you? He’s even head fucking you rather than begging forgiveness.

Not nice. Not nice at all.

He’ll be a cunt whilst you divorce him, I’d bet my house.

@AB10

How can someone have happy times but not be genuinely happy. How was I to know?

Part of the script.

Pushing the blame on you.

@AB10

He wants to try and make it work for our son. 💔

OW has turned him down.

Do not give in.

Don't look for answers . You won't make sense of it. He saw some greener grass. He treated you like shit. You didn't cause it. He did by thinking with his dick.

He's a cheat and a liar. Bin him

@AB10

Thanks for your comments. I must admit that I’m not the easiest to live with sometimes. I clean a lot etc and work full time (as does he) so can be tired, irritable. Never abusive, just probably not that fun. He says he’s worn down by me. I am looking back at messages etc recent and pay, and he’s laughing, putting kisses and saying love you. Sure to can’t be all bad if that was happening? I also said that on a recent holiday that I planned we have nice memories and he said what pictures? Implying that he wasn’t really happy then either. I’m just so devastated for my little boy as I know he loves us both so much and I feel I’ve failed as a wife and keeping us together. Regarding another person, I have asked and he said no. But there has been a distinct checking out of our marriage. I have apologised profusely since he said all these things so much so my sister is insisting I done apologise or tell him I love him any further because all I’m getting back is I’m willing to put up with it because of our son. To give context, both our families have v sick close members and I tried to explain that he may be able to have an easier laugh with others and they are not embroiled in our life. He says that he can’t tell me whether he’s 💯 committed to me and our marriage. Fee lost at sea!

@AB10 you will get a lot of posters here who are sadly invested in helping break up other people's marriages and families but as you've acknowledged in your post, things are more complicated than that. As a previous poster said, it's very normal for marriages to need more work after children arrive and certainly doesn't mean your marriage is over.

As someone who's actually been on the receiving end of someone who's anal about cleaning and how the house looks, it does make life miserable for the other person so I can completely empathise with what your husband is saying. Of course for things like PND and sickness, he's there to support you so that shouldn't be anything he should hold against you, after all it's part of marriage vows!

I would really stop being anal about cleaning etc and try to make the home environment a pleasant atmosphere again. Find some of the fun and frivolity again. Apart from what REALLY matters, don't take life too seriously. Your marriage is infinitely more important than how tidy your house is. As long as the house is hygienic, relax on your standards so there's less pressure on both of you. Both of you should start counselling and carving out child free time together. The time to do it is now before things go really downhill.