Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

999 replies

AB10 · 16/12/2021 15:23

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
AB10 · 21/12/2021 17:21

Thank you everyone, I will take your advice.
I just wanted to seek an answer for this his ruination of my family. I’m not sure I ever will which is so sad. 💔

OP posts:
CagneyNYPD1 · 21/12/2021 17:21

I think the time has come to take him at his word. He has told you that he is deeply unhappy. You are also now deeply unhappy. Ask him what his plans are.

Original poster
AB10 · 21/12/2021 17:22

He wants to try and make it work for our son. 💔

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 21/12/2021 17:26

Seriously OP he’s utterly despicable. I know it’s tempting to text back but don’t.
If he was miserable as he says correct course was to speak to you, suggest marriage counselling and if still not happy have a grown up conversation and agree to part. Not have an affair and walk out a few days before Christmas abandoning his child.
Email a version of one poster suggested other day if you haven’t so far where you say don’t contact me I deserve space.
Stay strong. Sort practicalities he’s not on your side. It will hurt now. Time will help.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 21/12/2021 17:26

Ask him what his plans are.

Please don’t do this.

You’ll be opening yourself up for more poisonous and hurtful words from him.

YOU take control. YOU make the plans. Legal advice, financial advice & keep coming here for advice from women who’ve been where you are.

You’re in the driver’s seat now.

Fuck what he wants to do. He’s made his bed, he can lie in it.

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/12/2021 17:26

Don’t negotiate with terrorists. What he wants is a relationship is unfettered by adult life. Like a teenagers 🙄

Which is fine but at some point the house work needs to get done, the food shop has to be bought and the childcare has to be done. It’s dull and it’s boring but if you want the cosy retirement with the final salary pension and grandkids it’s just got to be done. If he thinks future relationships won’t fall into the same pattern he’s wrong and will be a very disappointed little boy.

Get a chain on that door. Front and back.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/12/2021 17:29

So ow doesn’t want him and he’s crawling back. It would be a firm no from me. He’s lied, cheated, blamed you. He doesn’t want you just a maid and easy contact with his son. He’s not said sorry. He says he doesn’t love you. Says he despises you. Says he was never happy.
Your son is small and will be fine. You deserve so much better.

Ninananna · 21/12/2021 17:29

You are not responsible for his happiness. All the signs are there for another woman on the scene. Sorry.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 21/12/2021 17:31

Does he ever take responsibility for his own actions?
He sounds emotionally stunted and exceptionally immature. Lots of growing up to do.
If you take him back I say he’d need to commit to some serious solo therapy to even consider having an adult relationship with this boob.

Fireflygal · 21/12/2021 17:36

"Cognitive dissonance is what happens when someone believes two or more things that can’t be true at the same time. In the case of someone cheating on their partner, those mutually exclusive beliefs are that cheating hurts their partners and that they are kind people who wouldn’t hurt their partners.
People have a natural urge to fix their cognitive dissonance by rationalizing their opposing beliefs. This process is called dissonance reduction.

A person who is cheating on their partner will sometimes try to practice dissonance reduction by telling themselves their partner is not worthy of honesty or faithfulness. In order to prove to themselves that their partner isn’t worthy, they may begin to criticize or demean their partner on a regular basis"

You will need to process what is happening but I don't think you'll ever understand it. Intellectually maybe but not emotionally as you won't have his faulty thinking. The root of his behaviour will be in his childhood and at some stage you may pity him...especially when you realise he has lost you (and you're awesome)

PlanktonsComputerWife · 21/12/2021 17:39

If he loved his son, he wouldn't have been so cruel to the boy's mother.

Clearly OW doesn't want him landed on her yet

Dixiechickonhols · 21/12/2021 17:40

Have you agreed contact? I’d block his number so he can’t text you like this. It’s emotionally abusive. Don’t see him, I hope a family member can assist with contact handover. Please lean on your friends and family. Don’t be bullied into playing happy families at Christmas.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 21/12/2021 17:41

He wants to try and make it work for our son.

Tell him that there was a time for that, and it was before he decided to find someone else, and drop a bomb on you that it was all your fault.

Even after all this, I can't see where he's accepted any responsibility or acknowledged that he's hurt you.

If you were to accept him back based on this, you would be doing yourself a huge disservice, and showing your DS that it's ok to ignore your own happiness for other people.

Find your anger - for your son's sake if not your own.

Original poster
AB10 · 21/12/2021 17:41

Yes we’ve agreed contact. Thanks for all your advice. It’s really helping. I’m just in shock I think at the minute.

OP posts:
GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 21/12/2021 17:42

Why would he even think it's a good idea to make it work for his son. It's the opposite, it'll hurt you and your some more. He's such a selfish man putting his own wants and needs before his son and the woman he cheated on

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/12/2021 17:46

She doesn’t want him then? Oh great, he’s not just unfaithful he’s undesirable as a new partner too!

Fab.

Dottielottie123 · 21/12/2021 17:47

“He wants to try and make it work for our son. 💔”

Honestly op, fuck that. What about you???? So he wants to make it work, while
Making out it was such an awful relationship. How are you ever meant to feel content with him again?? You will always be wondering if he’s really happy and or is he going to play away again. If he wanted to make it work for your son, he would have done that during the relationship, not when he has been caught with another woman. Staying together for the sake of children doesn’t work, you deserve happiness not somebody that is with you because of your shared child. I know it is hard, but be strong and simply say “ no, you ruined our marriage, not me, I will not be giving you another chance to run all over me, you have shown me the true you and it is not somebody I wish to be married to’

Hugs Xx

happychristmasbum · 21/12/2021 17:50

OP how did he react to the fact you told OW DH about their affair?

It really does look like she doesn't want him. You are way too good to be his second choice (until she wants him or he finds someone else who laughs at his jokes.)

There will never be trust in your relationship again - you know he already has one foot out the door. Sad

Original poster
AB10 · 21/12/2021 17:52

He didn’t even react to that really, well not initially anyway. Even the fact that he’s destroyed someone else’s family with young children hurts to consider.

OP posts:
Joeynelson · 21/12/2021 17:57

That’s so sad and upsetting for you. Dare I ask… has he found someone else??

Stress and financial pressures don’t help if he’s worried about that?
How long have you been married?

Mumof3confused · 21/12/2021 18:03

What a pathetic excuse for a man he is. You will realise in years to come you’ve had a lucky escape.

He is looking for excuses and since there are no plausible reasons he has had to make them up - and he’s digging the knife in to boot, making you think it’s your fault! Why didn’t he voice his concerns before going off to find a replacement. That is absolutely terrible. You deserve more than him.

Loudestcat14 · 21/12/2021 18:30

@AB10

He wants to try and make it work for our son. 💔
He's having a laugh isn't he?! Having read your latest replies, OP, I cannot believe he thinks this is even possible. Blaming you for his affair, he doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as you and your son, let alone be allowed back into the family home as if nothing has happened. He is despicable, a snake.

I'm so so sorry you're going through this, especially right before Xmas. Flowers

Loudestcat14 · 21/12/2021 18:50

Also, stop engaging with him about the infidelity and his excuses for it – he's never going to admit his failings and he's now using it to emotionally wound you even more. He's an absolute bastard.

DDMAC · 21/12/2021 18:51

@AB10

He had a happy picture of us as his screensaver. I asked weren’t you happy then? He replied: I can’t remember. It’s a photo. I can’t remember what had been said or done that particular day. How am ever to make sense of this? I just can’t grasp that I married a man who says these things.
So he expected you to do a dance watching your words and deeds and being ready to please him at all times?! Imagine if you had had to have done that to keep him happy. It must be so so difficult for you right now but from the outside looking in you are so better off without him I’m so sorry for all the pain you have to go through now.
Robin233 · 21/12/2021 18:51

Happiness is an inside job.