Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Have a good old cry and let it out while your little one is asleep. It’s natural and expected for you to be a bit broken at this point. Allow yourself to feel all those emotions to work through them. Maybe a nice bath or a mindless boxset to put on when you want a break from thinking about it all. You almost have to prioritise time for grieving so that it doesn’t take over every waking moment.

Please eat and hydrate.
Your body is going through an assualt course at the moment, it's so important to keep getting some fuel in you.

I think you have to hit rock bottom to then start building back up.
You will get better, nothing ever stays the same, slowly but surely you will get there.

Brave girl
xx

Try and focus your pain into anger at what your husband has done to you, and your child
He's thrown your relationship away with no thought for your wee boy
Get angry
Get documents together

Hi @AB10

I could have - in fact did - write your post 3 years ago. I was also abandoned out of the blue and blamed for it. In my case there was either no OW or she disappeared soon after the bomb dropped. Anyhow, lots of good stuff has already been said to you so I'll just offer some survival tips.

1. Tell people. I had an army of friends, family, neighbours, and colleagues behind me. They truly saved me via their listening ears, practical help (car; childcare), food, drink, and love.

1. Protect your mental and physical space. Keep OH out of the house and keep handovers brisk.

1. Do your research. I talked to solicitors very soon after OH's announcement. They were adversarial and scary but I'm glad I got an idea of the world I might soon be entering. I also spoke to the mortgage provider and independent financial advisors. It's all information to add to your reserves. Tell your kids’ nursery teacher so they can keep an eye.

1. Dial things down at work if you possibly can. Processing the shock takes huge amounts of emotional energy.

1. Aim for a balance of time between quiet, processing time for you, confiding in close friends, quality time with your child, and some 'normal' socialising with a wider circle of friends (lockdown notwithstanding). Not too much of each. The latter is the hardest as those benign topics of holidays, xmas, and other people's partners take on a dark shadow, but it's good to keep some perspective.

1. When you feel able to, eat well and exercise. Obvious, I know, but more important than ever. I’m glad you’re getting some sleep. I used sleeping tablets for the first week, without worry. Don’t drink alone.

Getting out of bed was hard for the first few weeks. But this is the situation you’ve been handed, and I know you can make the best of it.

You've got this.
Hugs.

You might find this inspiring: www.huffpost.com/entry/to-the-left-behind-spouse_b_6949312

Thanks for all the support.
He is still trying to blame this on me. How unhappy I made him. See below:
No, but I did want someone who wanted to talk to me. Someone who found me funny and someone who wanted to have fun with me and didn’t look at me with scorn all the time. I wanted someone who appreciated me for me and not because I was doing the things you wanted me to do.

I know there are photos of us looking happy, and there were happy times, but I genuinely wasn’t happy and although that’s no excuse at all, I don’t think any of this would have happened if I’d been happy in my marriage.
That was a message received today. It is so hard.

He lied. Sneaked around. Didn’t work on your marriage. Left you to look after your son.

Narcissists see things through their own eyes. That’s up to him. You are allowed to se it VERY differently

How can someone have happy times but not be genuinely happy. How was I to know?

There is no point in listening to or considering any of the crap he comes out with. He is just trying to justify his shitty behaviour to himself and any cheerleaders he has.

You really need to get proper legal advice OP.

What you got to remember is that he was part of that.
The trouble with running away from your 'problems' like your h has done , is you take yourself with you.
Without any real work on yourself nothing changes.
You end up in the same situation time after time.

What an absolute wanker, trying to blame this on you!

He is horrible, OP. I know it's the worst time right now but you'll get through this, and you'll look back and say, thank god I got rid of that lying, cheating, manipulative, gaslighting bastard.

What a grade A cunt. Still blaming it on you. Tell everyone what he has said. He deserves to be the object of general scorn.

To ditch your wife and kids for a pathetic ego boost... wanker.

You need to stop having any conversations about the why and how and concentrate on getting legal advice and avoid him totally shafting you
You will never get an honest answer from him and of course he blames you because the only alternative is to blame him which he's not going to do.

OP, I’m sorry, but you really need to stop texting him and cut all contact. It’s not healthy for you.

NOTHING he will say will make you happy. He’s not going to apologise. He won’t accept responsibility. He thinks he’s done nothing wrong.

Please cut all contact with him. Go with dignified silence. Let your family handle drop offs and pick ups with your son.

Please just block his number.

@AB10

Thanks for all the support. He is still trying to blame this on me. How unhappy I made him. See below: No, but I did want someone who wanted to talk to me. Someone who found me funny and someone who wanted to have fun with me and didn’t look at me with scorn all the time. I wanted someone who appreciated me for me and not because I was doing the things you wanted me to do.

I know there are photos of us looking happy, and there were happy times, but I genuinely wasn’t happy and although that’s no excuse at all, I don’t think any of this would have happened if I’d been happy in my marriage.
That was a message received today. It is so hard.

What a knob.

And he's a coward, op, because he if it's true that he was unhappy he did nothing about it.

Men always do this when they've cheated anything to salve their conscience, anything to avoid admitting they're in the wrong.

You deserve someone genuine and brave, op. You're far too good for him. And he knows it.

How can someone have happy times but not be genuinely happy. How was I to know?

You won't be able to make sense of what he is saying as it's not rational or honest because he can't take any blame. If he accepted he was happy in the photos then he would have to admit that his life wasn't too bad and his affair is just an ego stroke. He also has had a narrative to OW, painting himself as a victim and no doubt her as his rescuer.

Someone has mentioned narcissism and that's very likely as people who have affairs are usually highly narcisstic. It's always about them and their needs - they have low empathy, need attention and are totally selfish.

OW is also going to be flawed (although he won't know it yet) as an emotionally healthy person doesn't have affairs. They work on the marriage and if it can't be resolved they separate without cheating.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You will get through it but it will feel incredibly painful at times.

As PP have repeatedly said, you need to start getting practical before he ruins you financially, too.

Solicitors appointments
Bank statements
Contact schedules for your child
Passport copies, etc etc

Focus all your energy on those tasks. Try not to give him any more headspace or seek any explanations.

He had choices OP.

If he wasnt happy then he could have worked on the marriage. He could have separated from you.

He didn’t. He chose to cheat and lie. That tells you what you need to know.

Sounds like he's stamping his feet cos he wasn't getting enough attention! It's all about him isn't it! So sorry op, you sound lovely, hugs to you and your little one

Listen OP— people say such stupid and untrue things when caught out cheating, to just make them not look a 100% arsehole. My H told me that ‘I had always hated his mother’ — (who was terminally ill at the point he acted a complete idiot) . Not only was that not true, it was just such a crappy justification. Your H clearly wasn’t that unhappy that he felt a need to leave , until it seems someone else boosted his ego.

He's just blaming you for his incompetencies. That and he knows it hurts you. Please try to remember how great a mum you are and lean in your family and friends, and people on here. His words are worthless.

As pp have said he could have tried to sort things. Having an affair is not ok under any circumstances. He's an idiot who took you for granted and let you and your little boy down.

You are getting good advice on here, OP. From lovely women who know the score.

He had a happy picture of us as his screensaver. I asked weren’t you happy then?
He replied:
I can’t remember. It’s a photo. I can’t remember what had been said or done that particular day.
How am ever to make sense of this? I just can’t grasp that I married a man who says these things.

Try not to engage with him. You're unfortunately not going to get the answers you're looking for because he's just out to hurt you.

Do as pp have advised and turn your hurt into something productive with getting your finances in order and making sure he pays for his mistakes.

@AB10

He had a happy picture of us as his screensaver. I asked weren’t you happy then? He replied: I can’t remember. It’s a photo. I can’t remember what had been said or done that particular day. How am ever to make sense of this? I just can’t grasp that I married a man who says these things.

My ex husband used that excuse - amongst others - 'I must have been unhappy'. Saying it like that implied that he didn't really believe the lie himself but had to say it because that is what they do. By 'they' I mean narcissists. They can never be blamed so they play the victim card and say that they were unhappy in spite of evidence to the contrary ! It's so bizarre @AB10 that you cannot make sense of it. You cannot make sense of something nonsensical and made-up.

If I were you I would continue to view those photos as you always thought of them. Do not let him re-write your memories because he will certainly attempt to re-write your history together.