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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

999 replies

AB10 · 16/12/2021 15:23

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
DerbyshireMama · 19/12/2021 22:43

@AB10

How do I get through this? I just feel like I’m drowning.
Time. That's the only way. But it will get better and it'll be sooner than you think.

This stage is awful but it will pass. Let yourself grieve and be angry and sad and everything else you need to be.

It's hard to see it now but you've got rid of a man who was prepared to emotionally abuse you in order to make himself feel better about cheating on his family. What a horrible shitty human being. He can never make you feel like this again.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2021 22:44

What was his reaction when you confronted him with the evidence?

Nedclarity · 19/12/2021 22:53

You poor thing! How long has it been going on? What a mess. But you are strong and capable, and you will get through this with the help of your loving family. Take the pressure off yourself right now, your little one is young enough to not be affected by this at the moment. Accept every bit of help you’re offered. You will be ok. This too shall pass.

DDMAC · 19/12/2021 22:53

I think this recent knowledge will help you remain strong for you and your son, any more of his standing in the kitchen saying poor me can be immediately hit on the head. All that shit he was saying about it being your fault, I hope you can now know what a pack of lies he told Just to make himself feel better. I’m so glad you have family support. 💐

YRGAM · 19/12/2021 22:59

I'm so sorry. Time will heal.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 19/12/2021 23:27

I’m so sorry, OP.
Is the other woman the same colleague he was going to the rugby with?

Graphista · 19/12/2021 23:46

You do feel overwhelmed at first - that feeling doesn't last.

It doesn't totally go there are waves, but you WILL get through this.

Sleep when and where you can (I couldn't bear to sleep in the marital bed at first, after a few uncomfortable nights on the sofa with just a throw I accepted I wasn't ready and moved proper pillows and a duvet downstairs so I was more comfortable)

If eating is a struggle liquid foods - soup, slim fast or similar (lots of added nutrients), smoothies

Drink plenty staying hydrated will help you feel better BUT avoid caffeine and alcohol as they'll make you jittery and depressed

See gp if necessary temp ad's or even stronger meds can help

Take the support offered by others, don't be a martyr. I spent HOURS on the phone to a lovely relative i'd not previously been that close to and a friend who had emigrated to aus was great for chatting online (this was pre social media days it was all msn messenger back then! No voip either) in the wee hours as it was daytime at hers

A neighbour I barely knew lent me money (no easy electronic transfers then and he left me totally skint with a toddler to feed! Bastard!) which I repaid when my parents transferred some money to me via post office

I had wrongly assumed Ssafa would be on his side then I had to see them about something else and the lady in there was amazing and gave me loads of really good advice! She also advocated for me on some matters which made it he had to take responsibility for some things he REALLY didn't want to (too outing to say here but feel free to pm)

Even my TORY Mp helped us avoid homelessness! Yep ex would have let me and our child become HOMELESS if it had been up to him

He is NOT your friend now

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 20/12/2021 00:00

@AB10

How do I get through this? I just feel like I’m drowning.

Ducks in a row dear.

Get practical - paperwork copies. Solicitor appointment for new year

Focus on getting through.

It's doable if you focus on you and DS

me4real · 20/12/2021 00:24

How do I get through this? I just feel like I’m drowning.

You might feel that way @AB10 , but you're doing really well. 'Just' keep doing what you need to do to protect and care for yourself. x

CrisisManagement · 20/12/2021 03:20

Oh you poor thing. You will get through this with the support of your family, the love of your DS and with your dignity and self-respect intact. YOU have done nothing wrong. He has.

Dontbeamugallyourlifesucker · 20/12/2021 04:44

Flowers. Hope you are ok op 😢

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/12/2021 05:11

I didnt post earlier as others had said what I wanted to, that there would be an OW at the root of this, there always is.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but if it helps, I and hundreds of thousands of other women have been there too and you WILL be ok. I felt like I couldnt breathe with the shock and pain of it, but each day it got a little easier.

I vividly remember a day when I realised that I hadnt thought about it (the cheating) or him or her in days and it was so freeing. When I did think about it that day I realised that I didnt miss him, that I didnt love him. Oh dont get me wrong, I had loved the man I thought he was but not the man he turned out to be. The man he turned out to be was ugly to me then, inside and out. And, as the cliche goes, he regrets his actions far more than I do. His cheating set me free to be happy and liberated, he however may still be shagging around but he wants to be home with me and our DD. Several years later if I was to call him and ask him to come home he would be here so fast his shoes would catch fire. Ironic really as I wouldnt piss on him if said fire where to happen!

One day that will be you. Keep the faith. Every day you make it through, and some will be harder than others, is a day closer to your freedom.

Teacupsandtoast · 20/12/2021 07:47

OP - if your username is a nod to your location, then I know an excellent family lawyer who will be an enormous help. Feel free to message

Loudestcat14 · 20/12/2021 08:07

You will get through this, OP. It might not feel like it now but if you just take it an hour at a time you'll get there. Thank god for your family being around you. Flowers

Dibble135 · 20/12/2021 08:53

I would add to the advice above with no contact with him for at least the next few weeks to give you time to start to heal.

It’s clear he won’t stick to discussing your child only and this will hurt and set back your progress.

Get a trusted family member or friend to act as liaison about contact schedule and let them do handover and drop off for now.

Don’t give him any more opportunity to try and manipulate you.

LadyLindaT · 20/12/2021 14:48

Stay angry. How dare he disrespect you! It's very hard to get though it, though, but you will.

Dixiechickonhols · 20/12/2021 15:01

How are you doing today?
I hope your family and friends are with you as much as they can. Please don’t be afraid to ask for help.

LoisWilkersonslastnerve · 20/12/2021 15:12

Sorry to hear that op. What a creepAngry

AgathaX · 20/12/2021 15:34

What a blow. You will get through it though. Not immediately, but you will. Take it a day at a time. Lean on your family and friends for support.

I'm glad you told her H. He needed to know too.

TheRemotePart · 20/12/2021 15:45

Agree wit @RaisedByPangolins there’s some female giggling and him

Possibly saying his lucky his wife is..

Men are simple creatures and respond to flattery
He may already be privately messaging her.

My DH is like this. Loves to be fawned over. I remind him that these dolly birds would still want a marriage and baby, but he’ll be doing it all again in late 40s , so by all means please leave me for someone else cos she laughs at your jokes.
He knows what side his bread is buttered …

You need to stop apologising for Adult Life, but of course you can say sorry for not noticing that he was quite so miserable
He may be a little bit depressed, but he can talk to a doctor first. Men all hit a certain age and seem gutted that they’re not a footballer/rockstar/similar nonsense and they’re just Joe From Accounts.

beastlyslumber · 20/12/2021 17:02

Read the thread dollybirds

WaltzingBetty · 20/12/2021 20:20

How are you @AB10 ?

Cherrysoup · 20/12/2021 21:40

You sort a schedule, it’s up to you. He’s the idiot who has cheated. Don’t let him come round if you can persuade him not to. I know it’s his house too, but if you tell him to come round only when suitable for you, will he adhere to this? I would gather paperwork ASAP, proof of his wage etc and start proceedings to get maintenance.

AB10 · 20/12/2021 23:46

Hi everyone. I’m still distraught. Just holding it together for my wee man but my heart is breaking.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 20/12/2021 23:57

You will be OP. You are doing so well. You’ve had your whole world turned upside down.
Can you get a bit of time to yourself this week, you do need to look after yourself too.

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